Does he deserve forgiveness & trust?

[MissMaryJane]

My boyfriend and I are in our late 20's and have been together for a decade.

 

Four months ago, he had a bit of a "thing" with a coworker. Calling it an "emotional affair" seems a little over the top, but (he claims) nothing physically happened between them and it really only lasted a week or so.

 

Long story short, he lied to me so that he could take her out to the bar one night. Not only did he lie, he gave me an elaborate preplanned story on where he was going and what he was doing, so he had obviously put a lot of thought into what he was going to tell me. I knew that something was wrong when I didn't see or hear from him in over 6 hours, so I ended up "hacking" into his text messages and finding a two hour conversation between them, in which he had specifically asked if she "wanted to go out drinking" with him.

 

I immediately confronted him and then kicked him out, despite his claim that it "wasn't what it looked like". A week later, he called to tell me that he was "ready to come clean", and admitted that, two days after he left, he went out and bought a new cell phone so that he could text her behind my back (he had lied to me all week, assuring me that they hadn't been talking). He swore up and down that nothing happened and that he didn't have any real feelings for her. He more or less admitted that having a younger girl chase after him stroked his ego, and he thought he wanted to be with her until he realized that he didn't. Since he seemed genuinely apologetic, we agreed to try to work it out as long as he cut off all contact with her.

 

For two months, I had complete and total access to all of his accounts and, I'll admit, I monitored his cell phone records like the NSA. Since I always have to find things out by snooping, I needed actual physical proof that they weren't still talking. He had blocked her number, stopped responding, and (allegedly) tried distancing himself from her at work, but she would NOT take the hint. She continuously tried calling and texting on a regular basis, and he flat out refused to confront her and put a stop to it, even though I got upset every single time she tried.

 

He eventually got tired of me "stalking" his account and he changed the password and locked me out. He's shown me the account a few times since then, just to prove that they weren't still talking, but I haven't seen it in well over a month.

 

About a month ago, she started blowing his phone up in the middle of the night from a random number. He blocked her when he realized who it was, but still refused to confront her. We got into such a huge argument over this that he packed up and left, and we've agreed to live separately until we can work through this. Two days later, he called to tell me that he "dealt with it" and "didn't think she'd be a problem anymore", but he deleted all of their messages and has refused to show me the account.

 

The problem is, he's still lying about what really happened that night. He's tried to brush the whole thing off as him just being a nice guy and giving her a ride, but every single detail of his story completely contradicts what I read in their texts. He wants me to believe that it was completely innocent and that they were just a couple of friends having a drink, but I'm not convinced. I fully believe that he took her out with the intention of getting drunk and hooking up, and the more he tries to deny it, the more I question everything else he's said.

 

Since he's basically told me to "get over it" since it happened, I believe he's only telling me part of the story in an attempt to brush all of this under the rug as quickly as possible. He's tried to blame a lot of it on her, claiming he was pressured into going to be her designated driver, but like I said, that excuse couldn't make less sense and it contradicts what I read in their texts.

 

I really want to believe that nothing physically happened, but since he can't seem to be honest about how he ended up at the bar (of ALL PLACES!), I'm having a really hard time with that. I mean, he lost his virginity to me and, as far as I know, has never laid a hand on another woman, but with alcohol involved... anything is possible. He can't even keep his story straight on what/how much he drank.

 

The fact that this girl has been obsessed with him since that night only makes me wonder if there was something fueling her obsession.

 

I love this man and I know that he loves me. I've tried to end this relationship multiple times since that night, but he doesn't seem to want that to happen. He's been doing nice things for me, staying accountable, and making an effort to prove that he can be trusted, but he's suddenly demanding privacy and refusing to let me see his phone and/or account.

 

During an argument not long after this happened, he admitted that he still wanted to be her friend and have the freedom to talk to whoever he wanted. He even told me that the more I tried to "forbid" him from talking to her, the more he wanted to do it out of spite, and went as far as to threaten to unblock and text her right in front of me. I've made it perfectly clear that if she is going to be a part of his life in any shape or form, I REFUSE to be, and if I saw one more call or text from her after he allegedly confronted her, I would be one million percent done with this relationship. A part of me believes that the only reason he's refusing to show me the account is either because they've still been talking or he knows that she's tried to contact him since he confronted her.

 

I need help. I am completely consumed by all of this. I have spent an unhealthy amount of time analyzing every last little detail of what happened. I don't know how to let this go, and I don't know how to forgive and trust him again. Him taking her out to the bar was completely out of character and such a slap in the face, and the fact that he was ready and willing to cheat and/or leave me has been devastating. I feel disposable, like I'm only a placeholder until he finds someone better.

 

What gets me the most is that this has all been turned around on me, as if I'M the one who has done something wrong. Is this relationship worth saving? Should I just believe what he says (even though it makes ZERO SENSE) until I can prove otherwise? Is it right of him to now be demanding privacy and keeping his phone from me (even though I still have access to all of his other accounts), or do I have the right to know who he's talking to? Is it unfair of me to demand that he cut off contact with the girl he tried to cheat on me with, even though he claims that they were "just friends"?

[Qboro90]

It's over he's manipulating you and you're letting him do it. When you say that this girl is "not getting the hint" that is complete Bs. If he had actually told her off she would not still be contacting him. He's clearly telling and acting differently towards her while at work and there is no way for you to truly know what goes on there.

 

Do you really want to have to monitor your partners cell phone and email records like the CIA? No one should have to do that. There is no trust there and you shouldn't trust him. If he's willing to go the length of purchasing a 2nd cell phone in order to talk to another woman than trust me... He's sleeping with her. You need to cut him loose ASAP otherwise you fall into the trap of wanting to believe his blatant lies. So much he's said and done are so blatantly obvious to us reading that your BF is being unfaithful and making up stories (bad ones at that) . It's only going to continue and get worse because the only consequence you have made happen so far is to check his messages. And even that stopped and he turned it on you. He's the Cheater, not you.

[MissMaryJane]

It's over he's manipulating you and you're letting him do it. When you say that this girl is "not getting the hint" that is complete Bs. If he had actually told her off she would not still be contacting him. He's clearly telling and acting differently towards her while at work and there is no way for you to truly know what goes on there.

 

Do you really want to have to monitor your partners cell phone and email records like the CIA? No one should have to do that. There is no trust there and you shouldn't trust him. If he's willing to go the length of purchasing a 2nd cell phone in order to talk to another woman than trust me... He's sleeping with her. You need to cut him loose ASAP otherwise you fall into the trap of wanting to believe his blatant lies. So much he's said and done are so blatantly obvious to us reading that your BF is being unfaithful and making up stories (bad ones at that) . It's only going to continue and get worse because the only consequence you have made happen so far is to check his messages. And even that stopped and he turned it on you. He's the Cheater, not you.

 

To be fair, she hasn't worked there in almost two months. When she tried to contact him this last time, it had been a few weeks since her last attempt (or so he claims, I haven't seen the account since then). Almost every single time she's tried, she's drunk dialing him in the middle of the night.

 

I definitely agree that I shouldn't be in a relationship where I feel the need to monitor him; it's just my only way of proving that he's being honest and trustworthy. I don't trust him at all right now, and I guess I feel like if I have the physical proof in my hands that he's doing what he says he's doing, we can start to work this out. I don't feel like I need to be all up in his accounts for the rest of my life, I just need him to be an open book until I feel like I can trust him again.

 

I definitely appreciate your input. I have no idea what to do or where to go from here.

 

ETA: I should also add that he only (allegedly) confronted her about a month ago, and claims that she hasn't tried to contact him since then. He let her continuously call and text for 3 months before he told her that she needed to stop, and even then he says he only told her that she "can't call/text drunk in the middle of the night", not that she needed to stop completely.

Edited August 2, 2015 by MissMaryJane

[Space Ritual]

It does not matter, Your BF is so full of crap his teeth are floating. Move on. It will happen again. Maybe not with the same girl, but it will happen again. save yourself the heartache of having to find out all over again

[Space Ritual]

Is it right of him to now be demanding privacy and keeping his phone from me (even though I still have access to all of his other accounts), or do I have the right to know who he's talking to? Is it unfair of me to demand that he cut off contact with the girl he tried to cheat on me with, even though he claims that they were "just friends"?

 

Reread what you just wrote here....and reread it like 30 times. You have your answer. Get rid of him.

[Qboro90]

Again... He's playing you. This girl is an ego boost for him because she's younger and it's thrilling for him. He clearly doesn't care about how you feel about it otherwise he would've stopped it the moment you found out. You only think she hasn't contacted him in a month because that's what he is telling you. Lol why would he tell you he's still talking to her?

 

He bought a 2nd cell phone once. What's to say he hasn't bought another one. Or created another account to message/email her. Girls don't "drunk dial" men that they haven't hooked up or slept with. Sorry to be blunt. They're not just friends, she doesn't just have a crush on him. They've been intimidate and probably still are if she doesn't care that he's married and will call him in the middle of the night drunk. Ever hear of a booty call? Your husband is hers.

 

Stop trying to find the smallest things that he's telling you he's done right and focus on the laundry list of things he's done and is doing wrong. It sucks and is absolutely awful to realize but it's happening and you need to get away from Him.

 

And you say you only want to monitor him until you can trust him again. Um sorry to be the bearer of bad news here but he's just going to be on his best behavior until you lull yourself into thinking that he's changed and it was just 1 mistake and then he'll start up again. Might be the same girl, might be a new girl. Guys will wait and play the decoy and the second he sees your back to normal, that's when he'll go back to being a dog.

 

If you have the ability to hire a private investigator that would be your best way to discreetly find out what he is doing during work and when he's not with you. A private investigator can monitor their phone calls and texts/emails and trail him when he's not with you. You might be the kind of person that needs to actually see your partner being physical with another woman in order to truly believe it. If that's the case hire someone now and get to the bottom of it.

[Lois_Griffin]

To be fair, she hasn't worked there in almost two months. When she tried to contact him this last time, it had been a few weeks since her last attempt (or so he claims, I haven't seen the account since then). Almost every single time she's tried, she's drunk dialing him in the middle of the night.

All you have is the word of a cheating liar whose BIGGEST objective is to cover his cheating, lying ass.

 

Your boyfriend is the epitome of cliché. His physical affair with this young girl has been going on for a long time. To believe it's never been physical would be BEYOND naïve.

 

Lastly, you can monitor all his KNOWN venues of communication all you want - he's no doubt been using other means of communications to carry on with this girl. SnapChat, WhatsAp, etc. etc. etc. There are SO many apps now that let you communicate without even showing up on your cell bill - all you need is WiFi.

 

Look, I hate to tell you, but if you and your boyfriend have been together since you were both basically 18 years old teenagers, then this type of thing really isn't surprising. His entire young dating years were spent in a committed relationship and he's dying to spread his wings and experience other women. It sucks but its kind of expected because he committed WAY too young and now he wants to sow his wild oats.

 

I think the writing's on the wall. This relationship has run it's course.

[ExpatInItaly]

This relationship is dead in the water. He's a liar, a cheat (yes, a cheat - please don't tell me you believe his story that nothing happened) and now trying to gaslight you into thinking you're guilty party. He's clearly not in love with you anymore and has no respect for you or your relationship. Someone who loves you wouldn't dream of subjecting you to this. I think he's checked out and that a lot more has gone on between him and this other girl that you don't know about. He's not broken up with you already because he likes having the security of a relationship and the thrill of a fling at the same time.

 

Girl, you know the truth here. He didn't confront her about not contacting him, he now wants freedom to talk to her, he's deleted her messages, he apparently went to some lengths to meet her behind your back...He likes her. He likes her a lot. Move on and in time you'll find someone who wants to be with you and only you. He's a jerk.

[Satu]

The 'friends' claim is ridiculous.

 

Neither of them behave as friends would.

 

Occam's razor...

[smackie9]

if it doesn't feel right, that's because it's not. It doesn't matter whether they bumped uglies or not....when they have an emotional affair, that means they have already stepped out of your relationship. We all know guys don't waste their time on someone they don't feel an attraction for....he has been lying to you continuously....it's time to go. I don't think you need anymore convincing.....

[MissMaryJane]

I appreciate all of your responses. I really do. I know the answers to my questions seem blatantly obvious, but I just cannot imagine throwing away the last 10 years of my life on something like this.

 

Not surprisingly, this isn't the first time something like this has happened. We went through a similar scenario at the very beginning of our relationship, but we were just kids then and he obviously wasn't ready to settle down into a such a serious, committed relationship. Just within the last 2 years, he's developed feelings for at least 2 other women, but both of those "friendships" ended when those girls started to pursue actual relationships with other guys. My boyfriend got jealous (and was clearly too stupid to hide it) and cut off all contact with them on his own.

 

I actually saw this one coming months before it happened, and I was not shy about letting him know what I thought. For four months, he had nothing but horrible things to say about this girl, and I almost feel like my jealousy and insecurity put the idea into his head and drove him to do it. He's actually blamed me for most of this, claiming he's been unhappy with the fact that I've "let myself go" since we first met. And while a part of me understands where he's coming from, it doesn't give him the right to start taking other girls out on bar dates.

 

I just can't picture him sleeping with her. I feel like I know him more than he knows himself, and he just doesn't seem like that kind of guy. Oddly, when he came in that night after getting caught, I straight up asked him if he slept with her, and his response was "what do you mean?" with the most horrified look on his face. I haven't been able to forget that moment.

 

I guess I'm just convinced that I have it all wrong and I've blown it all out of proportion. I've been trying everything I can think of to get him to admit to something more, but he just won't do it. I don't know why, but a part of me feels like I NEED the whole truth before we go our separate ways. Like, I NEED to know that I was right all along. I feel like he's only telling me enough to cover his tracks.

 

Even if he's been honest, I just don't see myself ever being able to forgive him for this. We have been together far too long for things like this to be happening, and any ounce of trust we had has been completely destroyed.

 

I only came here for advice on how to move forward, but I know you all are right. I really have no choice but to end it.

[smackie9]

You are only in your late 20's.....you have plenty of time to find the right man.

 

TBH if he hasn't put a ring on your finger, and made you his wife you already have wasted 10 years.

[No Limit]

Dump him and any future partner who lies and cheats.

[ExpatInItaly]

If this has happened before, it's going to happen again. You two have outgrown each other.

 

Save yourself more heartache and end it. No, 10 years isn't easy to walk away from. For you. But keep in mind he was willing to risk it all by getting too close to other girls. Your relationship hasn't meant as much to him as it has to you. You deserve a boyfriend who actually treats you like a priority, not a back-up plan.

[Qboro90]

I appreciate all of your responses. I really do. I know the answers to my questions seem blatantly obvious, but I just cannot imagine throwing away the last 10 years of my life on something like this.

 

Not surprisingly, this isn't the first time something like this has happened. We went through a similar scenario at the very beginning of our relationship, but we were just kids then and he obviously wasn't ready to settle down into a such a serious, committed relationship. Just within the last 2 years, he's developed feelings for at least 2 other women, but both of those "friendships" ended when those girls started to pursue actual relationships with other guys. My boyfriend got jealous (and was clearly too stupid to hide it) and cut off all contact with them on his own.

 

I actually saw this one coming months before it happened, and I was not shy about letting him know what I thought. For four months, he had nothing but horrible things to say about this girl, and I almost feel like my jealousy and insecurity put the idea into his head and drove him to do it. He's actually blamed me for most of this, claiming he's been unhappy with the fact that I've "let myself go" since we first met. And while a part of me understands where he's coming from, it doesn't give him the right to start taking other girls out on bar dates.

 

I just can't picture him sleeping with her. I feel like I know him more than he knows himself, and he just doesn't seem like that kind of guy. Oddly, when he came in that night after getting caught, I straight up asked him if he slept with her, and his response was "what do you mean?" with the most horrified look on his face. I haven't been able to forget that moment.

 

I guess I'm just convinced that I have it all wrong and I've blown it all out of proportion. I've been trying everything I can think of to get him to admit to something more, but he just won't do it. I don't know why, but a part of me feels like I NEED the whole truth before we go our separate ways. Like, I NEED to know that I was right all along. I feel like he's only telling me enough to cover his tracks.

 

Even if he's been honest, I just don't see myself ever being able to forgive him for this. We have been together far too long for things like this to be happening, and any ounce of trust we had has been completely destroyed.

 

I only came here for advice on how to move forward, but I know you all are right. I really have no choice but to end it.

 

 

If you were reading this and it wasn't about your own relationship what would you think? Because it's blatantly obvious to all of us reading that your man is a liar, Cheater, and manipulater. You continue to make excuses for him and even when telling us about his previous "mistakes" you make it sound like he did the right thing by "ending it with them and stopped talking to them all on his own"... Lol do you realize how ridiculous that sounds? You're giving him credit for stopping his pursuit and flirtatious behavior with other women.

 

You might not think he's the kind of guy that would sleep with another girl and cheat on you. But you also have a warped mind looking at it because you're choosing to only look at it in the "best case scenario despite the fact that the odds of that being true is sooooo minuscule. You literally know that he's had feelings and pursued other women on more than 1 occasion and you think that your fault!?

 

So his defense for chasing other women and going out drinking and on dates with them is not to apologize and beg for forgiveness.... Instead he tells you that you've let yourself go and that drove him to cheating!?! Wow... This guy is a real winner.

 

To top it off, when he comes home from being out with another woman and you confront him with "did you sleep with her"... The puzzled and deer in headlights look from him followed by him denying it somehow was enough to convince you that he's a choir boy and didn't go anything but hang out as friends with her?! For goodness sake come to your senses here.