I don't know what to do

[Persephone]

Ok...here's the deal. I went out with this guy for 1 1/2 years. I started to notice we were having problems early on in the relationship, but I didn't realize how fundamental they were until we broke up. One of the main problems we had was I was doing all of the work trying to maintain the relationship. One day he told me he just didn't love me, and he didn't think we had a future together. Needless to say, I was crushed. He said that he wanted to continue to be friends, but I couldn't even bear to look at him at the time. So, we didn't talk for 3 months. This was difficult because we had class together and hung around the same social circle. One day, I had to call him about a pressing matter; I was very nervous about this because of the length of time we'd spent not talking. However, things went very well, and he sounded happy to hear from me. Gradually, we began talking again. Then, one night, we started to become...nostalgic, so to speak. This only happened twice, we both recognized that it was a bad idea to even think about getting back together after spending so much time apart. Now, we see each other almost daily, and when most people see us, they think we are back together. This isn't the problem...because I don't care what people who aren't involved think about my situation. My question is "Can exes truly be friends after an emotional breakup?" Nothing happened that was unforgivable while we were together, so there isn't any hard feelings involved, but I just can't shake the emotions I still harbor for him. I'm still very much in love with him, and I am not entirely sure he doesn't feel the same way. One of the things he told me when we first started talking again was: "there was something missing...and it was you." Please help me!

 

Persephone

[Tony T]

You cannot be friends with him while you are in love with him. Things didn't work out for you romantically and you just need to be away from him in order to heal.

 

In a few years, when you are totally over him, a friendship will not be practical because whoever he is dating then will not feel good about him being friends with an ex.

 

When he gets married, his wife will not feel comfortable with him having any meaningful friendship with an ex.

 

So unless you are an absolute glutton for serious punishment, you simply need to cease contact. If you somehow got back with him...things would be no different than they were before.

 

How many times do you have to date a guy before you learn the combination is not right? It is simply not rational to go back to a sorry situation over and over. When he told you he didn't think the two of you had a future together, I think he covered all bases.

 

You'll feel lots better when you resolve yourself to moving on. But you absolutely have the option and the freedom to pursue more pain for yourself by trying things with him again. We'll be here for you.

[UK guy]

Hi there, I think an alternative might be to try and keep the friendship plutonic for the meantime. See how it goes, and if in a month or two you both feel the same about getting back, why not give it a second chance (At least this way you`ll know if he`s interested in YOU, or just the physical stuff). If people in general didn`t try things at least more than once, we would not know or ever imagine an age where we are today. Problems are there to be solved. And believe it or not young men make a lot of mistakes, it could be he just got a little edgy or lazy (long term things tend to scare little boys).

 

If you`re still thinking like this now, you obviously don`t feel enough layers were revealed in your relationship to make the final decision that you two are not right.

 

I`m sure by now you`ve had the opportunity to take up something with another guy, if you have then its not worked and your stronger feelings have stood firm for this guy.

 

Its a shame if you have to waste things like these, and if the risk might be worth it, then take a little gamble. Life`s all about taking risks, we walk on streets where there are many life threatening hazards, but we take the risk to gain what we want.

 

If you feel you really want to try again, give it a go there`s nothing like a learning experience, and if it does turn out for the worse you`ll definately come out of it knowing a little bit more about yourself and what you do want.

 

I hope I`m not sending you in the wrong direction, but make the decision you want to and go with it. In life we have to make mistakes and take the second chance, to learn if nothing else. But you don`t sound like you really want to move on... just yet.

 

Wishing you the best.