tawnyap Posted August 2, 2015 Share Posted August 2, 2015 I have a guy best friend and we have been friends for nearly 4.5 years now.We go to the same college but are from different classes. We had a close group of friends and after we have graduated we had gotten out of touch completely. And since my guy friend, let's say Alex was from the same neighborhood, we never really lost touch with each other. In fact, we got closer with each other. He was dating other girls back then, and I was the go to person for him if something was not working out or if he needs any help/suggestions with this dating. We used to hang out once in a while have fun watch movies etc. Everything was going well, until one day he broke up with his girl friend who he's been dating for nearly 1.5 years(she got married to some other guy). Since his break up, he ended up spending more time with me in the sense like stop by over the weekend watch movies until late night and that continued for a while where we got really really close with each other. We've gotten so close to each other that we used to sit on the couch right next to each other, cuddle each other, fight with each other playfully just like any other friends.(may be I was wrong, may be close friends don't cuddle with each other?) Things started to change from my end after his break up. I started falling for him, and that's when I thought even he was into me....though I never really expressed my feelings to him. Because he keeps bringing up other gals he was seeing. He is not seriously involved with anybody right now and last week as usual we were hanging out at my house watching some movie. As always, he started playing with my hair , arms etc. but I didn't realize when he started becoming more physical with me, like touching my waist, and then he got to a point where I was almost half naked( I was still in shock or couldn't understand completely what was going on). That's when I started feeling a bit uncomfortable and he then apologized, stayed for a bit and left for the day. The next day he stopped by and apologized for what has happened and said it just happened accidentally out of opposite gender attraction and he doesn't want to ruin our friendship and that he always wants to come to me if there is any problem bothering him. And assured me that it would never happen again. I didn't know how to react to his behavior: because I first of all couldn't understand what was going on. I was thinking may be he had feelings for me and so made this physical move but when he said it happened accidentally I felt sad because I had a ray of hope that this might atleast take our friendship to the next level. Can a person get physically involved with you if he doesn't have any kind of feelings towards you? If he doesn't find you attractive enough , does he get physically involved with you? Guess am trying to figure out what's stopping him from making me his girl friend and thought may be am not beautiful enough for him to make his life partner and wanted some insight/ advice from you all. Link to post Share on other sites
Qboro90 Posted August 2, 2015 Share Posted August 2, 2015 Listen this guy is clearly attracted to you and actually likes you on a personal level which you know by the fact you've hung out and been friends for so long without ever hooking up or having sex. So now that that's out of the way the question is why don't you kiss him and allow him to move things forward. He is pulling back and apologizing to you because you tense up and get awkward when he tries to get physical and progress past the "friend zone" wth you. You're also giving him mixed signals by saying that you don't want your friendship to be affected and you accept his apology for touching you like that. What you should have said done was kiss him that night and let it develop naturally rather than needing to talk about it first to make sure you're both on the same level. Guys won't hang out and cuddle and play fight like that unless they like you. This guy likes you. He brings up other girls and things like that as a safety measure so you don't think he's clingy and has nothing else going on romantically besides you. It's time for you to make a move. Invite him over for a movie and hold his hand. Kiss him or let him kiss you and try not to overthink it and have a discussion with him about "remaining friends" before or after. You have to decide whether the fear of losing him as a friend is more important to you than the chance of having him as a boyfriend. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author tawnyap Posted August 2, 2015 Author Share Posted August 2, 2015 Guess my fear is losing him both as a friend and as a boy friend. The next day he was behaving so casually and pretended as if it never happened. I don't see him being sad for losing me or our friendship. And what throws me off more is he never really kissed me that night, he was more physical like touching my body, waist...(groping we didn't have sex or anything). I've seen him date prettier gals before and he is way too handsome, so am not sure if I express my feelings(he never ever kissed me, might get mad if I do that esp when he doesn't like me?) I would be losing him both as a friend and boy friend. Link to post Share on other sites
Versacehottie Posted August 2, 2015 Share Posted August 2, 2015 Sounds like he is having a similar debate as you. Doesn't want to lose you as a friend but IS interested too. You should have reciprocated and since you were discussing "you" that night would have been perfect time to let him know you would be interested in see what is there. You can try to make something like this happen again or start a discussion saying "about the other night" and give him one sentence or a brief idea of your feelings. I think once you start to have feelings for a friend they are hard to stop and it's not like you can turn them off so you are better off exploring them if it's mutual. Chances are he feels the same. Plus wouldn't it be worse to have to suffer through him having a new serious gf? Life is meant to be lived. If you're interested, go for it. If the friendship is strong enough it can be rebuilt if things don't work out. Oh, and you've got to shore up those insecure feelings of yours about looks (yours, his, past gfs of his). You need to believe in your specialness to have a fighting chance. Good luck 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Qboro90 Posted August 3, 2015 Share Posted August 3, 2015 If you are scared of losing him as both then I fear that your indecision will lead to a even more painful "what if" or a "I regret not....".... With this guy. It's obvious he likes you and is attracted to you. If he's groping you and getting physical like that you should be able to tell but it seems like you have some self confidence and insecurity issues of your own that's holding you back. This guys comes and he hangs out with you, you're not begging him or chasing him to spend time with you so you must have something that he likes and enjoys being around. As a guy I can tell you that we as men don't just hang around 1 on 1 with girls because we like them as "friends". The only point to spending time like that is to hook up or because we like you more than just friendship. It seems like you hang out with him a lot so there's a good Chance you'll be alone with him again where you can make a move. I do caution you not to start texting or trying to force that moment to happen after this thread too. There's a fine line... You want your next hang out to happen naturally (whether it's at your or his place or out with friends, bar, etc) but you also don't want to wait too long until school starts and risk him being surrounded by other girls and people that he forgets about the connection you and him have. So I'd say get together with him within the Next 2 weeks and hook up. And don't overthink what he's thinking. He's not thinking this in depth to it as much as you are. Guys and girls are just wired different that way so while the littlest things might make your head spin for days, odds are he hasn't given them a second thought so try not to play the game of waiting till he spells it out that he likes and wants to kiss you. You'll wait forever. He's hands on with you and likes being around you... You've got it made... Just close the deal and have fun! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted August 3, 2015 Share Posted August 3, 2015 This is a chick version of the friendzone. The friendzone in a nutshell is where there is comfort and rapport between to people of the opposite sex but there either is not a sexual attraction with the person doing the friendzoning (in this case your buddy) or both people are suppressing their sexual attraction in hopes that the other will show their cards and lay it out on the table first. There is a possibility he tried to do that but you shut it down. You fcked up. now you are going to have to do more work and stick your neck out to make up for the damage that did. To bust out of the friendzone there are a few things you are going to have to do. The first is if you want to be BF/GF you are simply going to have to risk things getting awkward and risk losing the movie-buddy friendship. There is no fix there, you have to risk losing the buddy-buddy friendship for a romantic/sexual friendship to take it's place. I'm not saying you will lose it or that you have to lose it, I am saying you have to risk it and have to live with the results either way. One of the other things you are going to have to do is bump up your sexy. .... a lot. You said the other girls he's dating are prettier. You are going to have to get caught up. It's time for a little make over and update the style and wardrobe and time to ditch the comfortable, sensible shoes. Then finally you are going to have to turn on the green light to him making the moves sexually. You are going to have to undue the damage you did when he made the move and you are going to have to back-pedal and admit that you are open to a more romantic/sexual relationship. ...and then you are going to have to back that up with actions. I'm not saying that you have to pin him down and ride him like Secretariat the first night. But you are going to have to look sexier, dress sexier, be flirtier and go out on actual "DATES" and you have to embrace his sexual advances. You can still maintain your own personal boundaries just like you would with any other guy you were interested in and were starting to date, but just like with any other guy you would be starting to date, sexuality HAS to be on the table and has to be a possible eventuality. Sexuality has been the missing ingredient here so it is going to have to start being added to the stew. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted August 3, 2015 Share Posted August 3, 2015 ....And just a little FYI, I may sound a little harsh and blunt but I am actually in your corner. You both sound like nice people and you sound like you actually do like each other and care for each other and respect each other. I hope this works out and I hope you get together as a couple :-D 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author tawnyap Posted August 3, 2015 Author Share Posted August 3, 2015 Thank you all for the responses. Might as well bring it up with him next time and clear my mind. But I remember him mentioning that whatever has happened was just a one time fling that happened out of male female attraction and doesn't mean anything else. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted August 3, 2015 Share Posted August 3, 2015 Thank you all for the responses. Might as well bring it up with him next time and clear my mind. But I remember him mentioning that whatever has happened was just a one time fling that happened out of male female attraction and doesn't mean anything else. He was BSing you just like you were BSing him. It's time for both of you to cut the crap. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author tawnyap Posted August 3, 2015 Author Share Posted August 3, 2015 Okay, lol!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Versacehottie Posted August 3, 2015 Share Posted August 3, 2015 Thank you all for the responses. Might as well bring it up with him next time and clear my mind. But I remember him mentioning that whatever has happened was just a one time fling that happened out of male female attraction and doesn't mean anything else. Lemme guess, he said that after you "rejected" him, right? He was just quickly trying to bring things back to normal friendship so he didn't lose that and so his ego doesn't get bruised. If he said it before he started groping you, I'd be concerned. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author tawnyap Posted August 3, 2015 Author Share Posted August 3, 2015 Yeah, he said it the next day when he dropped by to apologize for what has happened. Strange that everyone thinks that he likes me except for me I just wasn't sure if he was feeling desperate/bored after the breakup and took advantage of me and the situation. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author tawnyap Posted August 3, 2015 Author Share Posted August 3, 2015 Also I didn't reject him or anything as such. I didn't respond to his actions and accepted his apology as I never clearly understood what it really meant. Link to post Share on other sites
Versacehottie Posted August 3, 2015 Share Posted August 3, 2015 That's why I put the "rejected" in quote marks. You think you did not reject him but i bet he feels a bit rejected. Think of how much courage it must have taken to risk your friendship and cross the line with you. Oh that's right, you might be having that experience in the near future. It's not easy! It's was a huge gesture to come over the next day to sort things out. He is trying to be careful with your friendship for sure and cares what you think. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tawnyap Posted August 3, 2015 Author Share Posted August 3, 2015 Now I feel sad, he is not talking to me anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
Versacehottie Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 Hmm, his ego is hurt. You mean he is backing off right? Not cut all contact with you, right? And not said he no longer wants to speak to you, right? Just give it some space and try to act as normal as is possible. Just me, but if I was in your shoes I would bring up what happened the other night and subsequent day and be honest with him about your real feelings as soon as you have next chance with him alone in right setting. Just say he caught you by surprise and that you actually have similar feelings but were caught off guard as far as revealing them at that time. But that you are interested in seeing what would happen between you two. Make sure he's in a good mood. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tawnyap Posted August 4, 2015 Author Share Posted August 4, 2015 He hasn't said any of that. Just my own feeling that he is not talking to me. Guess I need to deviate my mind and forget about this until I meet him next time. Link to post Share on other sites
Versacehottie Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 Think positive and about all the reasons why he could be liking you like that. I really think he does. Shore up your insecurity. think of all that is possible. Proceed as if the best outcome is likely. If you come from a place or worry or insecurity you will only be hurting your mission. I'm not sure if I've got the timing right but so he just hasn't "been in touch" for a day or two? Well he's just trying to get his mojo back and give you space since you did not reciprocate his advances. That's all. And not sure about your particular friendship but this would maybe be normal in lots of friendships even if the cuddling never happened. I'm sure he's just pulling back because you "rejected" him. Lol, guys egos are very fragile. I know, I know you didn't reject him but trust me, he feels rejected but trying to play it cool. Link to post Share on other sites
rajrao Posted August 5, 2015 Share Posted August 5, 2015 Maybe you are Link to post Share on other sites
Author tawnyap Posted August 5, 2015 Author Share Posted August 5, 2015 My friend usually stops by over the weekend to hang out. And he never stopped by last week. May I ask what makes you think that he really likes me? Am 23 years old but not too great/mature at understanding this stuff unless a person tells me specifically that he likes/loves me. What makes you think that he really likes me and it wasn't just lust or something? The next day he stopped by he specifically indicated hat I shouldn't interpret this as something else and am not sure what he exactly meant by this statement. Was he indirectly suggesting that I shouldn't assume that he has got feelings for me? This is what is stopping me from expressing my feelings to him. Link to post Share on other sites
Versacehottie Posted August 6, 2015 Share Posted August 6, 2015 My friend usually stops by over the weekend to hang out. And he never stopped by last week. May I ask what makes you think that he really likes me? Am 23 years old but not too great/mature at understanding this stuff unless a person tells me specifically that he likes/loves me. What makes you think that he really likes me and it wasn't just lust or something? The next day he stopped by he specifically indicated hat I shouldn't interpret this as something else and am not sure what he exactly meant by this statement. Was he indirectly suggesting that I shouldn't assume that he has got feelings for me? This is what is stopping me from expressing my feelings to him. Well, he's attracted to you for one by the physical stuff he did. He spends a lot of his time with you so he enjoys your company. And after the incident where he assumed you didn't want the contact because you didn't react like you did, he was scrambling to fix things with you so that you didn't hate him or chuck him out of your life, so he cares greatly what you think. He may still be figuring it all out if you have been friends and what it would mean to take it to the next level. A lot of people are scared to have things change or get messed up. I think obviously he could be honestly saying that he didn't mean he has feelings for you it is possible. I think it's very likely he was just trying to cover for his actions of the previous day and it's a story he made up after the fact that it didn't go the way he had hoped with you. But it is possible he just got carried away physically but that alone already says he's attracted to you!! Look you guys have all the ingredients of a good relationship. Since you have feelings for him and that's not going to go away, you will just have to take a leap of faith to pursue what you want. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author tawnyap Posted August 6, 2015 Author Share Posted August 6, 2015 Thank you. Guess I will wait to see him and talk about this.Hopefully he stops by this weekend. Link to post Share on other sites
Versacehottie Posted August 6, 2015 Share Posted August 6, 2015 Hmmm, does he usually contact you? You never reach out to him (text/phone call/social media/email)? He just stops by? If the contact between you has typically been two way, keep that up and be normal about it until you see him in person. Don't shut down what you usually do because of what happened the other night and stuff. If contact has typically all been initiated by him then you are kinda at his mercy because I don't think you want to start acting clingy now. But you could just text him some normal friendly stuff to kinda show that everything is 'ok' between you two, friendwise. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tawnyap Posted August 6, 2015 Author Share Posted August 6, 2015 Yeah I usually don't reach out to him, it's always he who initiates the conversation and drops by. Unless there is something important that I really need his help with or something, I don't usually reach out to him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tawnyap Posted August 6, 2015 Author Share Posted August 6, 2015 Lack of kissing somehow does not bode well. Link to post Share on other sites
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