Distance too great to work it out?

[Daisy-oliviaWentcher]

I've been getting to know this guy but I feel a bit distant and it's not the distance between us and our two cities although that might have something to do with it. First of all, he has a son. He has more than once wanted me to meet his son, but I have said that I did not want to meet his son until I know for sure that we are serious and that we are going for the long haul. Otherwise, it could be quite confusing for him and it might not be the right thing for both of us. I want to solidify our bond and relationship before his son is involved and I believe that this is the sensible thing to do. He says he understands but he admits that he is offended. He even have asked that his son come on our dates with us, but I assured him that a date is between two consenting adults that are trying to get to know each other, a little child turns it into a play date and that is not appropriate. Again he said he understood but was offended. I guess he believed that something so precious to him ( like his son) was getting snuffed or rejected and in turn it made him feel rejected. But I don't understand what is not clear about this. Mind you, he has been a single dad for 7 years raising his son on his own, his son is his life. But I politely said that you can raise your son and still pursue the girl you just have to manage them separately until the time is right and even then you have to make time for the woman in your life. He has been single for the amount of time he has raised his son so sometimes I wonder part of it is that he is rusty and out of practice and doesn't really know HOW to pursue a lady? could that be it? plus I am very busy and so is he so finding time to skype is quite a bother too. I find myself losing interest and I wonder if it is because the distance is so great and I feel this isn't working. My friend said perhaps I should save money and go back to see him again but he hasn't once made arrangements to come see me. My friend also suggested that I allow his son to come down but I still find that not appropriate. Perhaps the son can come down but I just don't want to meet him yet and I certainly do not want him to come on our dates, am i right for holding this stance? I've also just want to get on with my study and meet men locally and continue to date. We are not in an official relationship despite talking about it for ages, but I feel he has been on the fence about actually making things official which in turn has made me less and less interested in him. What do people suggest I do? I feel I am right in this but I might be too harsh and so therefore I'm beginning to feel guilty.

[madjac74]

As a father I can understand why he is offended. You have no children but you presume to know what is best for his son and how to handle being a single parent while trying to date.

 

I have had plenty of female friends whether there was romantic interest or not, they were simply just friends as far as my children were concerned so there was no harm in them meeting that person. It isnt like we are instantly grooming every woman we meet to be their future stepmom.

 

You have discussed the fact that he is on the fence about making things "official" and then said You kinda just want to get on with your studies and date locally. That is odd. I think it would be best for him to not get involved with you in my humble opinion.

 

In your future studies, take a writing course. The block of text is horrifying!

[StalwartMind]

What you wrote doesn't seem hard to understand, and whether you are "right or wrong" with your stance is actually only something you can decide. There is no right or wrong way to go about anything, there is just the opinion of an individual. I'm sure some will claim otherwise, but those are typically also the people that like enforce their own views and make others believe the same.

 

Are you harsh? Again I don't think so, but at the same time I would approach it entirely different. I feel you restrict yourself too much, you certainly aren't giving the relationship a chance to grow, since you have your set in stone views about his son. Has he lost his ways about how to pursue a woman? Possibly, but considering his son has occupied his life for so long now and been the focus, if you think of things from his perspective, it's actually a compliment he wants to include you in that and become a part of it.

 

I completely get your view and I also think it is very sensible, maybe I'm just too open minded, but I like to have a positive attitude. If you feel already that going on a date that includes his son will ruin things, then they are already ruined before you gave them a chance. People tend to do this with too many things, too few actually give things a chance. Does that mean that people are wrong for doing so? Absolutely not, again it's a choice, we all have standards and expectations, in the end we have to stop questioning things so much and actually just put in an effort to get things we want and make them work.

 

How you go about that, is really up to you, you have many opportunities. I understand that this makes you uninterested, and if you are already thinking about dating other men, then honestly perhaps you should let this man find someone else who is willing to actually do even just a small sacrifice for him. You seem to be at two different state of minds, that doesn't mean it can't work, but if you close off and shoot down ideas, then that isn't exactly a great condition for a relationship to unfold in a positive way.

 

I also understand why he feel offended, in my opinion he shouldn't, but again that's not for me to decide, he is allowed to feel that way, but in a sense, you are both just being a bit "selfish" in the sense you are both just looking at things from your personal view. I find it vital to be able to reflect on a situation from all perspectives, it's easy for me to do as someone neutral, but I do it with my own life as well, which has given me a lot of patience to understand other humans.

 

I don't think either of you are in the wrong with anything you feel or say, it's all very sensible, but it doesn't change the fact you have some conflicted views. Personally I can't understand people who doesn't dedicate to someone they are interested in, as such we are all different. When I do anything, it's all in or nothing. Giving someone 50% of of me or less just seems like a waste, but I'm not one to judge what anyone does, we are free to do as we please.

 

So to kind of overall answer your question about "being right in this view" of yours, from all I wrote above, you are both right and wrong, it's just a matter of perspective as well as what your end goal is. I do however not find anything you said or think to be harsh, if I was him, you'd have my full understanding, and again if two people are sensible, they can work out a solution, even in favor of your requests, such as not including his son in a potential date. As always, an relationship requires effort, it all depends what you are both willing to do. How badly do you want this? If I was either of you, I would make the required sacrifice, but I am also not one who minds a challenge.

 

This ended up being a lot longer than I expected, hopefully most of it made sense, best of wishes with whatever you choose to do, enjoy life, every moment is precious.

[Lois_Griffin]

When you yourself don't have kids, that just makes it so much harder to find common ground with someone who does. Add to this fact that the guy lives quite a distance away and it just seems like another good reason to let it go.

 

Truth be told, once he introduces you to his son, you'll probably never have any private time alone together again. I think his biggest push for wanting to have you meet his child is convenience for himself. That will eliminate having to find babysitters, scheduling, blah blah blah.

 

He really needs to be dating a woman who also has kids. Then they can get together and their kids can have play dates, etc. Also, a woman with kids can better understand all the limitations there are when dating with young children.

 

Honestly, it does sound like you're wasting your time with this guy.

[Daisy-oliviaWentcher]

When you yourself don't have kids, that just makes it so much harder to find common ground with someone who does. Add to this fact that the guy lives quite a distance away and it just seems like another good reason to let it go.

 

Truth be told, once he introduces you to his son, you'll probably never have any private time alone together again. I think his biggest push for wanting to have you meet his child is convenience for himself. That will eliminate having to find babysitters, scheduling, blah blah blah.

 

He really needs to be dating a woman who also has kids. Then they can get together and their kids can have play dates, etc. Also, a woman with kids can better understand all the limitations there are when dating with young children.

 

Honestly, it does sound like you're wasting your time with this guy.

 

I've been made to feel like I'm the selfish one interesting huh? but It's true I just want to spend some alone time in getting to know the guy as I barely get to and he lives an hour away. I don't think I am asking too much. Plus he hasn't come down to see me and I would like him to. I'd like him to because I don't make an awful lot being a student. I just wouldn't want to meet a little boy too soon as I just want to get to know his dad a bit better. Once I know the dad a bit better I'd feel more comfortable getting to know his son. That's all it was. But I've been made to feel like the wicket step mother from the west and we haven't even made things official.

[Els]

I don't think the issue here is the distance at all. Firstly he doesn't seem to be invested in the R at all, and secondly dating someone with a child is a big commitment that doesn't necessarily suit everyone. Even if this guy had been local, I would advise you to bail.

Edited August 3, 2015 by Elswyth

[Aedra]

I share the same view in that I would not want to meet their children in such a relationship until I knew the relationship was serious enough. If I was a single parent I would not want them meeting their potential step-father either until it was serious. Taking their child on what's supposed to be a date is just really weird to me and also not appropriate in my eyes, but I can understand why he might be hurt with him being a single father for so long and his children being precious to him and wanting a mother for his child. Regardless, I don't believe you are not wrong or bad for holding this view at all and shouldn't feel guilty. Neither of you are wrong, its just it feels like he's looking for a bit of convenience being a busy dad and he has different priorities to you hence there's no official relationship for so long. I don't think it'll work for you.

[justwhoiam]

1) An hour drive does not qualify as long distance. Sorry. Even if it feels that way for you.

 

2) Your post made me instantly think of The Sound of Music. You're the Baroness, but he needs a Maria in his life.

 

3) I might be wrong, but I think a dad would need to see how you deal with a kid, before throwing himself into a relationship headlong. That's priority. A man who's really attached to his children and raising them would not want the baroness. He's a family guy, you're just a girl wanting to date and be spoiled a bit. You're at different stages of life and wanting different things. So, yes, distance has little to do with not being the best for one another.

 

"What do people suggest I do?"

Let him know you're not ready for family. I guess he drew back a bit already, after he realized you are keeping distant. So, going separate ways shouldn't be too hard on anyone at this point.