Chronograph Posted August 2, 2015 Share Posted August 2, 2015 So people keep giving me the same advice: move on, focus on yourself, focus on your goals in life, what do you want and so on. My problem is that I don't have any goals at the moment. I feel my life and myself are both like a blank canvas to me right now. I never had that feeling before, I always had dreams and fantasies. I also have interests and passions and hobbies and everything. But when I try to think about my "goals in life", as in a broader picture I just don't see or feel or want anything anymore. Could that be due to the breakup? Like being in the post break up depression phase maybe? Maybe I don't know who I am anymore (the relationship lasted fifteen years), maybe I lost my identity and that's why I don't feel drawn to any place or activity or job or career in particular. I don't know what is important to me anymore. I can't even answer the question if I want a family or not. I don't even know if I want a new serious relationship at all or not. Everything I can think of just results in a big NO. I don't wanna live there, I don't wanna live here, I don't wanna work in that job, I don't wanna work in this job, I don't want to date, but I don't want to be lonely, I don't want the breakup but I don't want to go back into the relationship as it was either (I would have wanted a changed relationship with the same guy I guess). So, no matter where I turn I just feel a "no" coming up. Nothing excites me. I dream of nothing, I fantasize of nothing. It's like my life is a blank canvas and I'm standing in front of it like a totally uninspired artist, baffled, clueless. Can anyone relate to this at all? Or do you all find it easy to find and focus on your goals in life after a breakup? (Maybe I'm just severely depressed) Link to post Share on other sites
Xiomn Posted August 2, 2015 Share Posted August 2, 2015 First you have to discover your goals before you can focus on them. Only you can do that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Chronograph Posted August 2, 2015 Author Share Posted August 2, 2015 And how do I discover these goals? (I have been trying to discover my goals in life for years! I thought I finally had a goal in life, I found it last year, I wanted to push on my songwriting and musical skills ... but after the breakup I suddenly find myself thinking: What for? As if making music was always only driven by the hidden motivation to get appreciation from the man I loved. And so now it's pointless.) Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted August 2, 2015 Share Posted August 2, 2015 I have no goals whatsoever. I just enjoy doing what I enjoy doing. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BriNyc82 Posted August 3, 2015 Share Posted August 3, 2015 15 years is a long time, I'm sure part of you lost a little bit of yourself and that is normal. If you can't think of any long term goals, don't force it. Use this time to find what DOES excite you. And go from there. Link to post Share on other sites
Bubberfly Posted August 3, 2015 Share Posted August 3, 2015 Perhaps you are depressed. I completely understand. I've been there. I think maybe in your case, "goals" need to be day to day simple things. Baby steps baby steps. This really helped me in my progress. I too felt lousy and didn't care about much of anything anymore. So, I made a goal of doing one nice thing for myself each day. Simple cheap things that no one else was going to do for me. They went like this: Goal 1- buy myself some flowers. Goal 2- take a nice bath Goal 3- go for a walk and try to enjoy the weather. After a few weeks of begrudgingly doing this, I started looking forward to whatever "nice" thing I was going to do that day. It eventually led to bigger goals, making some big positive changes in my life, distracted me a little from my lousy break up and I'm doing better. On a side note, yes the advice given to find some goals is good advice. HOWEVER, there's also no pressure right now. Sometimes it's best to just let the bad feelings sink in and to ride them out. Just don't wallow in them forever. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Chronograph Posted August 3, 2015 Author Share Posted August 3, 2015 Thank you, that's a good point! Baby steps. I guess I'm incredibly impatient with myself in general. It's as if I want my new life to completely unfold right now. Sigh. Yes, and it's pressure. I put myself under pressure a lot. Don't know where that comes from. ... Allow myself to be and feel whatever I feel. (Hey, there you go, this could be my goal! ) Link to post Share on other sites
Reels Posted August 3, 2015 Share Posted August 3, 2015 Even if it seems very hard to focus upon, you will still have to. Link to post Share on other sites
Amas5750 Posted August 3, 2015 Share Posted August 3, 2015 Your reflection on goals resonates with me. I'm very much the same- as in- feel like a blank canvas. I used to endulge and enjoy a variety of dreams/hopes/plans. Then when my marriage ended I just blanked out. What future exists? I'm not sure I can't really see it. It's eerie how much I can relate. I get the "don't know"/"no" feeling about all the aspects : living, future relationship, career progression Just wanted to say that I GET it, fully and completely. Bugger. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Chronograph Posted August 3, 2015 Author Share Posted August 3, 2015 Your reflection on goals resonates with me. I'm very much the same- as in- feel like a blank canvas. I used to endulge and enjoy a variety of dreams/hopes/plans. Then when my marriage ended I just blanked out. What future exists? I'm not sure I can't really see it. It's eerie how much I can relate. I get the "don't know"/"no" feeling about all the aspects : living, future relationship, career progression Just wanted to say that I GET it, fully and completely. Bugger. Hey, thanks for sharing that it resonates with you! Makes me feel less alone. How long is it since your marriage ended? For me it's 3 months now. Link to post Share on other sites
aloneinaz Posted August 3, 2015 Share Posted August 3, 2015 Perhaps you are depressed. I completely understand. I've been there. I think maybe in your case, "goals" need to be day to day simple things. Baby steps baby steps. This really helped me in my progress. I too felt lousy and didn't care about much of anything anymore. So, I made a goal of doing one nice thing for myself each day. Simple cheap things that no one else was going to do for me. They went like this: Goal 1- buy myself some flowers. Goal 2- take a nice bath Goal 3- go for a walk and try to enjoy the weather. After a few weeks of begrudgingly doing this, I started looking forward to whatever "nice" thing I was going to do that day. It eventually led to bigger goals, making some big positive changes in my life, distracted me a little from my lousy break up and I'm doing better. On a side note, yes the advice given to find some goals is good advice. HOWEVER, there's also no pressure right now. Sometimes it's best to just let the bad feelings sink in and to ride them out. Just don't wallow in them forever. This^^^ I was where you were after a painful break up. I couldn't function to do really anything for several weeks. Couldn't sleep, eat or did I really care about anything either. The good news? It lifted after 3-4 weeks. Then, I did set some DAILY goals to feel productive. I wrote a list each night of things I wanted to do. One of the biggest was to work out and exercise. This really HELPED me. I started feeling better and the endorphins improved my mood. I like the term baby steps. I also repeated in my head the line from Shawshank Redemption "Get busy living or get busy dying".. Life's short and we need to take advantage of it while we are here. Link to post Share on other sites
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