On death and dying

[smile]

Since my grandma passed away my family has been around a lot.. and I see the relationships that my cousins and aunts and uncles have and I see what I deserve... what I want. What I am unwilling to compromise. I havent thought about that in a long time.

 

I have spent so much time wanting him to need me and needing him to want me that I was so neglecting my wants and needs. Besides if I am here at his beck and call how will he ever learn to respect me ... or have any idea what his life would be like without me.

 

As many of you know I am a huge part of my exs life.. .but he isnt ready to be back in a relationship. We have never really been apart in the 10 months we have been broken up and most ppl only consider us "technically" broken up for 2 of those months.

 

I go to his house at least 3 times a week and he calls me every other day. I know everything about his life and he knows most of mine. But this thing with my grandma has opened my eyes. He was there for me when she was sick but when she died he just started to flake on me like crazy.

 

He admitted the other day that it was because of unresolved issues he has with his mother and grandmothers deaths and I get that. But the day of the funeral and today, the day after, he didnt even call. No card no are you ok .. nothing. I txted him yesterday saying I hope he had a good day and he never even answered.

 

So I think its time. I feel like I want to just start over. Like I need to start demanding things from life instead of settling. I need to stop worrying about what is going to make him happy and start thinking about what makes me happy.

 

I know you have all said that a million times before but I think a person has to come to it. I dont have any prospects or anything.. but I deserve more than comming home crying because I am unsure how to feel about everything.

 

Maybe the space will make him see and appreciate me. Maybe it will help me move farther away from needing him. Maybe we can truly be friends and maybe we can work it out. Right now all of that requires more energy and emotion than I have to give. And so I am letting go.

[Merin]

Sorry about the passing of Your Grand Mother..

 

Sometimes things happen in our lives that make us take a step back and re-evaluate what we're doing.. sounds that this event really touched you and impacted your thinking.. but I think in a good way.

 

Everyone IMO deserves to feel loved and cared for.. good for you on not settling for less that that.

 

Best Wishes

[smile]

thanks merin. I guess now my problem is "where do I go from here?". He called me sat morning and sunday evening.. I have nothing to say to him so I just ignored the calls. I know that seems mean but I dunno I just dont know what to say.

 

Last night I was kinda sick so I took some benadryl before bed and was knocked out. He called about 11pm and I answered the phone. I dont remember much of the conversation except that I was so tired I was mumbling. He said to call him if when I wanted to talk. But the thing is I dont want to.

 

I just said ok and hung up. I am afraid of wanting to talk to him again. I am afraid I will be weak and settle for what was going on before. I dont want that.

 

I love him and I cant be around him or his friends if we arent together. Maybe thats selfish but we cant be friends... it always turns into more. And in my mind I cant figure out why he wants me for every aspect of being a gf except the me relying on him part. Because if he needs me I should be there (so he thinks).

 

*sigh* I know I am chancing him just walking away and forgetting about me forever.. but maybe thats better than waiting around for him to find someone he is willing to be there for.. without worrying about what he looks like in front of his friends.

 

What do I do if he calls again? How can I just silently distance myself from him ... you think he gets the message, you think he knows why? Probably not huh?

 

I have no energy to chase him.. I know what I deserve and what I wont settle for.. but still there is this longing and sadness inside. But we have been broken up for 9 months now , I think its time one of us let go.

[outdated]

Be strong and take the next step. If you feel in your heart that you need to be apart, even if it's just for a while, then that is how it must be. IT SUCKS! There is no two ways about it, but you know what you need to do, it's facing that reality that makes it hard, not the reality itself. You were you before him, and you will be you again, with or without him. LIke the tired old cliche goes, "if it's meant to be blah blah blah."

[hugznkisses21]

smile,

 

I have been following your story.

I have been meaning to say this for a while but your last post seems to hit the nail on the head.

Sometime u just can not be friends if you arent lovers. I know in my heart the if I ever broke up with my bf I am with now (god forbid) that after all we have shared I KNOW i could nto be friends with him. That does not nessesarily mean I will ever forget him or what we had but i couldnt do it....too many feelings, things left un said, and memories. There can me alot of drama, and in your case their was. its almost as if you wanted him near and you told your self thats all you need and when he was near if he wasnt closer it killed you....you can not have a health friendship that your questioning all the time.

 

You can do it I know you can. Do what you need to do but move on. Think of how precious life is and how everyday that you are wrapped up in drama and something that is making you question everything in stead of enjoying your life is one day further from spending it with someone you are happy with, whether br just yourserlf or a wonderful guy. drama free!

 

Lifes to short!

Enjoy....you know that your grandma would want to you to be happy and enjoy your life.

 

 

(p.s my mom passed when I was 15, if you need someone to chat with im here)

[smile]

Thanks everyone. Your comments really help. That is until he called me back on Tuesday. That means he had called me every day since saturday. WHY?

 

He asked why I didnt call back and I said I was busy. With funeral stuff and the size of my family it was the truth. He said he was comming into town and he would call me , I said ok.

I was really unreceptive and uninterested. I wasnt rude I just wasnt into him like I usually am.

 

He asked a bunch of questions and I just wanted to get off the phone. So after we did I went out to a movie with some friends. I was ok before that call.

 

Now I miss him. I still have no energy or desire to chase him or whatever but there is a dumb part of me wondering why he hasnt called since tuesday. DUMB I KNOW.

 

And an even more pissed off part of me that cant seem to be able to fully feel the pain and emptiness of my grandmothers death... but I can feel the pain of him being gone. That is so messed up. And it bugs me. And, stupidly, makes me mad at him.

 

He has never experienced me not being there for him. And on mothers day he called and I didnt answer the phone... (his mom died when he was 14- BIG issues there). I wasnt there for him. And a part of me feels guilty and a part of me doesnt feel at all.

 

I cant imagine being any closer to anyone than I was with him. I cant imagine something feeling more right. But this situation is not right and I cant let myself settle for it.

 

I just wish I could go back to last year at this time and fix everything. Back to when I had him, back to when I had my grandma. I am so mixed up right now.. is this normal?