After 15 months apart, hoping for a road back

[Jatli]

So for those of you that know me I was pretty devastated in April 2014 when my ex of 4 years left me for another woman.

 

We had a great relationship, never fought, always laughed, enjoyed each other's company. We have known each other for over 30 years. So when he told me he wanted out I was flatlined.

 

I couldn't believe what was happening I couldn't breathe. This was the man that I knew in my heart that I was supposed to be with. It just felt right with us we fit. Even his kids said they had never seen him happier.

 

But leave me he did for an older woman who lives 1 1/2 hours away. Worst thing was I had met her. He had known her for a few years and they were friends so I thought nothing of it. When it happend I was lost.

 

In my heart I knew he would be back. It all didn't mske sense.

 

Now I know some of you will bash me for this but I eventually forgave him. I just can't hang on to anger it's not me and it's not healthy. So I forgave him. I didn't tell him this though.

 

We stayed mostly NC but I moved across the street from him so we would run into each other now and then. It was always natural to talk to him and there was never any awkwardness. He never brought her around. I knew she was there by her car every now and then but never saw them together.

 

About a month ago he followed me as I left the local coffee shop and I got into his car and we talked for about an hour then he drove me home and gave me a kiss and said it was good to see me. I kept up with NC and did not contact him. Then a week later he offered to change my tires and brought his son with him which was odd since his son and I were very close and I knew it would be hard on him. His son has downs and is the sweetest kid ever. He never let go of me the whole time.

 

Then 2 weeks ago he showed up at the coffee shop when I was sitting outside with my girlfriend he drove by then turned around and pulled in and sat with us. Then the next night I was going through the drive thru if the coffee shop (we told him we were there every night) and he was sitting there in our spot with his buddy.

 

Then everynight since he has been driving by.

 

So tonight I remembered that I still had stuff at his place and called him to see if I could come and get it. He said sure. His son was there again and ran up to me. I was pretty cold to my ex and wouldn't let him hug me.

 

Then I texted him and thought I would just throw it out there and asked him if he ever saw us getting back together. He said it was not a discussion to be had over text. I said ok when you are alone call me and we will discuss.

 

Well it was driving me nuts so I texted him and said if there is no possibility then just say so and no discussion needed.

 

But if you still have feelings and there is a possibility then don't respond and we will discuss in person when you are alone.

 

He didn't respond.

 

I have not dated in 15 months because I knew I couldn't give my heart to anyone else. He still had it and until I knew for certain that in my heart we were done then I couldn't do that to someone else. It wouldn't be fair to be with someone if my heart was elsewhere.

[xpaperxcutx]

That's not a second chance. That's you showing him yoi haven't moved on after 15 months. That's you feeding his ego and still telling him you want him back.

[quattrob]

You were doing great until you brought up the question/topic of possibility of getting back together... Based on what you said he was keeping tabs on you, following you at the coffee shop already.. Why would you be so hasty and show all your cards? Now he's in the driver seat, you just put yourself in a bad position. You sounded desperate and weak. You shouldve let him bring it up and it did seem like he wouldve when the time was right...

[Brokenmech]

He left you for another woman, after 4 years, are you sure you even want him back?

 

When something like this happens it's not something you can easily forget, it will always be in the back of your mind. You will always be worrying about if he'll do it again sometime in the future. Trust is very important in any relationship, without that then it will eventually fail. He has broken that trust, are you sure that can be mended?

 

And like someone else has said this isn't any "road back", he's not even sure himself if he wants to try again. You sound like his second choice, why would you want that?

 

I know it's really hard and you still love him but when you look at it in the cold light of day if he really felt the same way he wouldn't have been tempted by someone else. After 15 months I personally believe you should be moving on, go NC to give yourself time to heal. You deserve love and happiness too, and in time you will be able to give your heart to someone else.

[pidgeon1010]

Is there more to this story? The headline was misleading. As soon as I read the part where you suddenly remembered you had stuff at his place (after 15 months), I knew it was just a pretext and you would really hadn't moved on. Sigh. Well you haven't described anything that sound alike this is the road to reconciliation but hope I'm wrong. Best wishes.

[foolinlove79]

Sorry to be a negative person here but if there is one thing i learned from my crap rs it is if they did it once they will do it again.

 

Please please think long and hard about this. Im sorry but if he truly loved you he would not of put you through that in the first place.

 

I feel sorry for the other lady too because he will probably do the same thing to her.

[aloneinaz]

Your post OP left me confused. I also thought you were "back together" where you're no where near that. Also, I don't understand why you'd move across the street from an ex who probably cheated on you then dumped you for this other woman?

 

 

Then, you chose to NOT date for 15 months because your heart was with this dude that treated you like that? Now, you'd consider going back to him? I also don't want to be mean here but you almost come across "stalkerish" here. How you've handled this recent interaction demonstrates that as well. This guy has NO respect for you and I'd be shocked that he'd go back to you. If I was him and you were my ex who I treated like that and you've done and shared what you did? I'd be scared of you.

 

 

Again, I'm not trying to be mean but only illustrate how you're being perceived by others and HIM. You should really consider vanishing AND moving away from this guy and finding someone new.

[Jatli]

Wow I knew people would read this wrong but I never thought I would get slammed so much.

 

One thing I never stalked him. I have lived in my neighborhood all my life and it is close to my work and neither him or I had an issue with it.

 

We never fought about this and I did say my piece to him when he left but I kind if think it was needed for us to figure out what we wanted. To those that say I am his second choice and that I appear like I haven't moved on is so not true.

 

I actually got a life. I lost a lot of weight, I travelled and I wasn't sitting around moping. And yes I did just remember I left some things at his place. I was having a dinner party and remembered I had some serving plates there. It was no big deal for me to call him up as I said we did still talk to each other from time to time.

 

Did I like the fact he was with someone else? Nope but not much I could do about it. My heart healed from the break up, I am a grown woman and I know what I want in my life. We had a good thing and I just thought I would throw it out to him. If he responded with a no then I would just go on with my life and that would be it but I had to ask for my self.

 

Whether we get back or not is still to be seen but I know this man better than he knows himself probably and yes we are on the road back.

 

I am not just some pathetic little girl sitting around mourning the loss of some relationship and desperate to get him back. I am an educated woman with a great job and friends who all know what I have gone through and all are happy for me because I held my head high during this process and just let it play out.

 

No I never let him walk all over me and he knows that. I put him in his place when needed but I also wasn't spiteful or negative. People make mistakes, people do stupid things it's in our nature. Just because I didn't date means nothing. I went out in a lot of first dates but it never went any further cause I knew where my heart lay.

 

So stop with the negative. I just wanted to put it out there that yes it does happen to get back together or at least beginning to and yes we are.

Edited August 3, 2015 by Jatli
Errors

[kendahke]

I would say wait for him to have that discussion with you before saying you two are back together.

 

Him not responding really isn't him saying that his feelings are such that he wants to get back together with you.

 

Don't use the lack of a text as confirmation that this has turned the corner in a direction you wish for it to go. Like he said, this isn't a conversation to be had over text.

 

And I'm not being negative. I'm being realistic as I'm a grown woman who also has been in this position. They gotta step up and make a declaration that is buttressed by action. If there is no action behind the words, then they are wasting your time.

Edited August 3, 2015 by kendahke

[Jatli]

I never said we were back together I said we were on the road back

[kendahke]

I never said we were back together I said we were on the road back

 

Like I said, until you two have that talk, this is speculation.

 

I hope that he does and I hope that he will bowl you over with the joy that he feels that you will allow him back into your loving heart.

Edited August 3, 2015 by kendahke

[Jatli]

I told him to just tell me if there was no possibility and no need for a discussion but if he did still have feelings and there was a possibility to not respond and we will discuss in person.

 

I know he went away with his son for a few days so when he gets back we will discuss.

[kidm]

You may be on that road alone. Sounds like you are jumping to conclusions even though his conduct is neither here nor there.

 

I too thought the fact that you remembered you had some stuff there is a little suspect but oh well. You've already put your feelings out there so the decision is his to make.

 

Hope you two discuss and you have more clarity.

[Brokenmech]

I'm sorry Jatli if you were offended by my response that was surely not my intention.

 

I have to say what I believe and reading your other response I still think this is more "wishful thinking" on your part than actual reality. I hope I'm wrong of course but even I am and you two get back together I still feel it's doomed to fail. He wasn't happy in the relationship and went with another woman, if you do get back together the reasons why this happened need to be addressed and really talked about and worked on.

 

Like I said, this will always be in the back of your mind and you will most likely worry about this happening in the future again. Don't forget it appears he's now doing the same thing to the woman he left you for, so it shows to me he has no problem breaking hearts when it suits him.

 

I still say go NC and let yourself heal. You're an attractive woman, and by judging by some of the posts you made on here a very kind and warm person too. You DESERVE better, I know that's not what you want to hear right now but in time once you're healed you will realise this.

 

Anyway, hope it works out of you regardless. I know what heartbreak is believe me, it's hell but you can and will get through it.

[aloneinaz]

People need to drive down the road they are comfortable with. They also need to have their eyes wide open while doing this. I'd love to smoother this thread with optimism but I simply think you'd be better off making a u-turn with your thoughts here.

 

 

Clearly, he lost not only interest in you and your relationship but he went above that and disrespected you by cheating and then dumping you. He then moved on w/her. He's never ONCE indicated that he wants you back that I've read. I can't see how he really respects you here as most women would of told him to f-off and never spoke to him again.

 

 

Is he still with this other woman or is he single now?

[Lois_Griffin]

So stop with the negative. I just wanted to put it out there that yes it does happen to get back together or at least beginning to and yes we are.

I don't understand.

 

Did you honestly think most people reading this story would get teary eyed and think it was a love story for the ages and ENCOURAGE this oncoming trainwreck?

 

Any creep who lies to your face every day and is actively cheating on you and plotting to leave you - then DOES it and leaves you to rot, isn't worthy of being spit on if he were on fire on the sidewalk. And he DEFINITELY isn't worthy of being forgiven and flirted with and given a second chance.

 

Jesus, this guy SHOWED you who he was! He SHOWED you what a low down, low life, con man he is. He SHOWED you that when he deserted you for someone he'd been actively cheating on you with. He SHOWED you who he was when he left you all alone to deal with the devastation and aftermath of your life being torn apart.

 

Where was lover boy THEN? Where was he those 15 months when you were left all alone and struggling? Where was he??? Oh, that's right. He'd moved on with your replacement and had thumbed his nose at you on the way out. That's where this paragon of virtue was.

 

Your intentions were loud and clear when you purposely moved across the street from him. Who does that? Who gets treated with less respect than a stray dog on the street and then turns around and moves right across the street from the one person whose shown them absolutely NO respect at all?

 

And here he is again, showing you WHO HE IS. A lying, sneaking, deceitful snake, sneaking around spending time with you behind his 'girlfriend's' back. Honestly? She deserves whatever the hell she gets because the old saying, 'you lose them how you GOT them' is right on target and she'll be a living cliché of that. So she gets no sympathy at all.

 

I'm actually humiliated for you that you lowered yourself to actually asking this using opportunist if there was a chance you could be with him again.

 

Hey, I'm sure there may just be. But don't be surprised in the future - AGAIN - when the lying cheater does what he does best and leaves you once more for yet another woman stupid enough to waste her time with him. Because it's going to happen.

 

He's SHOWN you who he is. You just refuse to SEE it.

[Jatli]

I am very comfortable with this road I am on and when we do have our discussion it will be a long one. I am not going to run into his arms and pretend it's all roses and rainbows. I understand we have a ways to go. But the road needs to start somewhere if it is that we get back together.

 

My eyes are completely open and I know I love this man with all his faults he is a good man and he messed up. S*** happens.

 

I am not vengeful nor am I even upset by it anymore. I don't need this man in my life to make it better but I want him in my life because I truly do love him. I believe I am actually truly in love for the first time in my life and I have kicked the can a few times. I have been married and divorced. I am not going into this blindly. If I see that he is not sincere I will back away and go on.

 

I don't know if he is still with her but I will make it clear I will not be in the picture if she still is. I am not her. He knows how much he hurt me and he knows me enough to know that I will not cheat with another woman's man whether he was my man first or not. I am just talking to him that is all.

 

Now don't read into this and start bashing me please saying that I am the other woman and he is doing to her what he he did to me because it isn't like that. I know I am probably not wording this right and it is coming out all wrong but I know what I am doing and it's a good thing. This is a positive step in the direction I want to go. If it doesn't go that way then so be it I will live. But I needed to find out once and for all.

Edited August 3, 2015 by Jatli
Spelling

[Mrin]

I think I am going to go the opposite way on this one. The thing we have to recognize that is unique here is that Jatli and The Guy have a friendship that spans over 30 years. 30 years folks! 15 months is merely a chapter. There are many different directions this semi-reunion can go. I for one, think that Jatli should proceed but with an abundance of caution and an understanding that perhaps the most appropriate state for her and The Guy is friendship.

[Jatli]

Wow. People have affairs break up and get back together all the time and sometimes it can be better the second time around.

 

Doesn't make them horrible people. It happens. Forgiveness is a part of me. I can't hold onto anger and resentment. I didn't move across the street to be a "dog" I moved there because I wanted to stay in the neighborhood it's not like I saw him every day. We both live in apartments not like a house across the street I went 5 months without seeing or talking to him.

 

I am not a doormat or naive. I understand what he did and yes it was wrong but I know what we did have and if we can work it out then good. If not then I know at least I tried with no regrets. Who knows I may decide once we talk that I don't want to do this (probably not) but I know I had to put it out there.

 

In all this time we have never been awkward with each other. It's hard to explain , maybe it's just my nature, my friends tell me I couldn't be a b**** if I wanted to be because I'm too sweet. I may be sweet but I am not a pushover I just know I truly love this man and I know in my heart that I need to see this out.

[angel.eyes]

Just guard your heart, okay? Yes, you truly love him, and yes, you feel he belongs in your life. But equally important to making this work is whether he actually feels the same way. His actions currently suggest otherwise.

 

I understand your need to re-explore this road. Life after all is about taking risks. You would probably regret it if you never did. I think, however, that you're being a touch optimistic about where things stand with him at the moment. That often happens when our feelings are involved. Hope can be a difficult thing to release. Again, please be careful with your heart as you go down this path. It's unclear whether he actually intends to join you on this road. Either way, I hope you get a definitive answer soon, one way or another, that enables you to find the happiness and companionship you seek.

 

Let us know how things go.

[Jatli]

I will definitely watch my heart. I honestly don't think it can break anymore.

 

I know this man very well. Have known him for more than 30 years. If after all this time he did not want to look at us getting back together he would have said so. He doesn't ever mince words.

 

I truly believe this is a step in the right direction. I know most of you think he is just playing with me but I know him and although he hurt me in the past there is no way in hell he would have allowed his son who has downs and was very close to me around me again if he wasn't considering it. He wouldn't put him through that. I know his much it hurt him when I was gone.

 

 

I know for a fact that this other woman has never met his son.

 

We shall see

[angel.eyes]

I for one, don't think he's playing you. I think he's trying to be as honest and upfront as possible with you, without hurting you any further.

 

I do think you are being overly optimistic because of your feelings for him. At best, I would say he's ambivalent and confused based on his actions and response. Honestly, I wouldn't be surprised if he thought you had moved on, had accepted the end of the romantic relationship, and were now ready to resume the (platonic) friendship that was 26 years of your 30-year history together. Your declaration may have caught him completely off-guard. You made it clear in that moment that despite 15 months, you still carried a torch for him and remained interested in a romantic relationship.

 

Be aware that there are many possible reasons for his current behavior. From my vantage point, you're translating his silence and his son helping out to mean he still has a romantic interest in you. That's not necessarily true, and I think you should at least brace yourself emotionally for the possibility that you could be wrong.

 

That being said, I think you're doing the right thing. While you held out hope for him coming back, you were incapable of being open to any other men you encountered. You needed to get out of limbo, and this will certainly do it. Either he reciprocates, or your heart gets broken again, but you are then able to move on and find the right man for you.