Competing with a memory

[BreaksMyHeart]

Posting anon because this kills me to admit.

 

I was reading another thread that asked "do women out there like guys who are inexperienced in dating, kissing and inexperienced sexually." I started to reply yes, but there was already excellent advice in the thread. I realized that what I needed to do was to start a new topic, because this sort of tears me up and gets me feeling a lot of different things sometimes and it's hard to compete with a memory sometimes.

 

My wife had an ex who was a shy virgin when she met him. He was 24 and she was 27. She got to instruct him, teach him how to do everything in bed...

This tears me up sometimes.... When I was dating her I found her journal one day. It was a nicely bound book with gold gilded page edges and I thought it was a deluxe hardbound edition of something. (It's too long to get into, but no, it was not left deliberately so I'd find it. It was just in a place in the open but where she didn't imagine I'd go to find some reading material while in the bathroom.) It listed me, her current BF, and all of her exes, with a little note by each one.

 

One of the names was someone she'd mentioned before who had "almost" worked out. Their relationship was 10 years ago in '95, and in the journal she said she loved him because she felt so free with him, because he could never compare her. Because he was so innocent. Because she had been his teacher and had "made" him in her image.

Here's why that hurt: my wife met three of my exes. She knows two were pistons in bed, so to speak. I did things in bed at the start of the relationship that were entirely new to her which we both enjoyed and which I never thought too much about. I gave candid answers about what I had done when she asked. It was WAYYYY too late by the time I read the passage.

 

I felt -horrible- when I read that little bit of text. Like I was pure as the driven slush. (I never told her I found this.) I have asked about him in the meantime from time to time. We are both forthright about our exes and don't mind talking about them. He moved to Oregon. She lived on the East Coast. She said, "I'll join you in Oregon if you marry me." He offered to live with her, but not marry her.

 

To this day, she is convinced that given time, he would have proposed. I have two male friends who had offers like this (she: I'll move if you marry me / he: No let's live together) and I tell my wife that it probably wasn't going to happen--ever. That doesn't faze her, though... She doesn't believe it. To her, he just needed time. To her, he'll always be the one who "would have worked" out. Am I more or less correct that guys don't eventually "come around" and propose if they suggest living together after a year of dating?

 

I have a female friend who married and calls her ex her "true love." That situation I know very well, and he was DONE with her... It never was going to happen. Still, she thinks of him as her true love. I believe my wife loves me, but I have a hard time sometimes thinking I might be competing with memory, an ideal.

 

The difficult part is thinking that she was in love once with someone pure, with someone who could never compare her to another woman. I have never compared my wife to other women, but I guess she probably feels that way now! We also both recently took purity tests, compounding this, because one of her friends had a Livejournal entry that linked to one. I scored 43% pure and felt bad about that when my wife discovered my end result. She was in the 70's. I never compare her. I am frank about how she's very good in bed. She knows I love her. We have been married less than a year.

 

I'd take any ideas or input. About how to talk about the past with that guy especially, as his name pops up now and again. I'll live with this no problem, it just hurts that she idealizes this guy so much because she was his first, etc.

[bluechocolate]

When did she write about this guy? Journals tend to be of the moment - because she wrote something down doesn't stand to reason she still feels the same way. And besides, how many of us DON'T have a past relationship (or two) that we thought could have worked out & for whatever reason it didn't? As I type this I can think of two past relationships that I would rather not have ended but that doesn't mean I can't fully commit myself to loving someone else.

 

she said she loved him because she felt so free with him, because he could never compare her. Because he was so innocent. Because she had been his teacher and had "made" him in her image.

 

If it makes you feel any better, this doesn't sound like love to me & it doesn't sound like the basis for a solid long-term relationship either.

 

... but I have a hard time sometimes thinking I might be competing with memory, an ideal.

 

key word there - might

 

I can no longer resist the urge to say that you shouldn't have read her journal. If you can't forget about it and move on then perhaps you're going to have to 'fess up & talk it out. That may be the only way you're going to get any peace of mind.

[BreaksMyHeart]

When did she write about this guy? Journals tend to be of the moment - because she wrote something down doesn't stand to reason she still feels the same way.

True. It was when we had just started dating.

 

I can no longer resist the urge to say that you shouldn't have read her journal.

Oh, man are you are right; you're preaching to the converted on that one. The thing is, she always said she never kept a diary or journal. It was a thick book and it was only her thoughts after having met me, maybe six or seven pages, nothing more. But the temptation once you have something like that in open your hands is overwhelming and could start a thread of its own on ethics, etc. I'm one who never really believed that I'd say this, but here's one instance where I would have preferred ignorance.

 

If it makes you feel any better, this doesn't sound like love to me & it doesn't sound like the basis for a solid long-term relationship either.

This does make me feel a bit better. The thing is, she does mention him now and again and how it might have worked out. I have discussed with her that I don't relish hearing that. It was fun at one point for both of us to hear each other's toxic ex stories, but I stopped those, too, because I didn't want my wife to feel compared.

 

If you can't forget about it and move on then perhaps you're going to have to 'fess up & talk it out. That may be the only way you're going to get any peace of mind.

Just when I think I've put that whole moment behind me, his name will get dropped... I think you're right. I guess I need to talk about the specific journal entry. We can talk about him, but I will never feel right whenever his name gets dropped unless I get that mistake (on my part) sorted out. I wish I could go back in time sometimes and tell myself to just shut the stupid book.

 

Thanks

[whichwayisup]

Ouch...Reading that made my heart hurt. For so many reasons...

 

First of all, love is better the second time around. Those ones who got away...WENT away for a reason.

 

Every love is different. What you have with your wife is real, don't ever doubt that. Stay in the now. Past is past. Doesn't matter.

 

She was his teacher...She got to "break him in." You made me think back to the man who made love to me my first time...I KNOW he had this power over me...Not in a bad manipulative way, but it was there...Him being in control. It's a great thing for the ego when ya think about it.

 

The past is what makes us who we are now... Good and bad...In and out of bed.

 

One thing though, even though you stumbled on her journal, just know that what you read wasn't intentionally there to hurt you. Just her thoughts and some thoughts are best kept quiet...Just sad that is was written down. Put some doubt in your head and heart - When really up to that point all was okay...Try not to let this get to you.

[JanieQP]

I can only echo what bluechocolate said, and encourage you to tell her you read the diary and to talk it out with her. Otherwise you have a secret you're not trusting her with, and not giving her the chance to share with you what she really thinks, what the situation really is and how she feels about you, now.

 

I would feel terrible if a partner read my journal or my posts on the 'net and suffered without getting the whole context.