Has any dumpee initiated NC from day 1 of breakup?

[pillowpuffs]

Question as above - have you, as a dumpee, initiated NC from day 1 of breakup and stuck to it? If you broke it, is it because the dumper contacted you or did you break it out of your own volition? How long did it take for you to break it?

[keebee]

I would say I did, although my ex disappeared on me (after six months) so it's hard to say when day one of the breakup was It has been one month for me and no slipups! I really do think it makes all the difference in healing, especially if you do it exactly as recommended and don't creep on social media or anything else.

[aloneinaz]

My ex ended us one night over nothing. I had things at her house I needed to go get. Two days later, I texted her to put my stuff out on her porch and I'd drop her stuff there.

 

 

She NEVER heard from me again. EEVVEERR.. I blocked her on all social media. I avoided ANYWHERE I may run into her. Was it easy? Nope. Was it necessary for me to heal and move on? Yes!

 

 

I started dating 6 weeks later after I healed enough to realize she was toxic and I'd be the biggest idiot EVER to go out with her again. A few months later, I met my now 2 year GF who lives w/me.

 

 

Back to the ex and NC. She broke NC that following ways-

 

 

1) Stopped by my house 5-6 months later. I was napping, heard the bell but assumed it was a solicitor.

 

 

2) She texted me the next night, telling me she stopped by and then went on to apologize for her behavior.. I ignored her.

 

 

3) She emailed me a couple weeks later, again apologizing for her treatment, went on to say she missed me and wanted me back, blah, blah..

 

 

I ignored that email and she emailed again. My GF got annoyed and asked me to reply to her letting her know that I'd moved on, was in a great relationship and good luck. She still emailed off on over the next few months.

[Gus Grimly]

Against my better judgment, I called me Ex. The reason being she was my fiance and broke it off in an extremely cold and bizarre manner for reasons that made no sense.

 

I found out most of the truth behind the breakup and even though it was like several punches to the gut, now I know what a despicable person she truly is. Just horrible. :( I'm so grateful I didn't get married to her. Thank god.

[pillowpuffs]

Tbh, from someone who hasn't broken NC at all for 2 months (and he hasn't contacted me either) - I regret not saying anything to him. I think I thought NC would make it easier for me to forget him but truthfully, it's made it easier for him to forget me and has sort of done the opposite for me. I think there are certain things that, after you've gotten over the shock of the break up, you need to say to your ex just so you've said it and put it out there. While some may regret saying the things they said or trying to reach out - not reaching out comes with regrets too.

 

Now 2 months on, it's too late for me to say the things that I've wanted to say after I calmed down and was able to process the whole breakup. I listened to every friend who said don't contact him etc... and I don't know if I'm better off.

[Chi townD]

After D-day, I never heard from her again. Why would I have wanted to? She left me for someone else.

[pillowpuffs]

After D-day, I never heard from her again. Why would I have wanted to? She left me for someone else.

 

But did you reach out to her at all after the BU?

[DexterLS]

No.

 

I broke NC several times and it was a disaster every freaking time. Trust me, 3-4 months down the line, you will be very happy and proud you were strong and didn't break NC.

 

I wish I were as strong as you are. I really do.

 

All the best!

[Satu]

It could be argued that day 1 of NC is the real date of the breakup.

[pillowpuffs]

No.

 

I broke NC several times and it was a disaster every freaking time. Trust me, 3-4 months down the line, you will be very happy and proud you were strong and didn't break NC.

 

I wish I were as strong as you are. I really do.

 

All the best!

 

No point being this 'strong'. I have regrets too.

[drseuss]

From day she told me she wanted to split and be friends, I said I didn't want to be friends, that was the last convo we had , it's only been 8 days tho .....

[mightycpa]

No point being this 'strong'. I have regrets too.

Hi pillowpuffs... it is very natural for you to have doubts at this stage of the game. I did NC from Day 1 too, and I daresay I hold the record for longest NC.

 

Here's a tongue-in-cheek post about it: Do the math

 

This is what you need to know:

 

Yes,

 

• you have regrets now
  
• you feel like if only you'd said something, things would be different, better
  
• you wonder what your ex is feeling
  
• you wonder why you haven't been contacted
  
• you wonder if you've made a big mistake
  
• you wonder if you're in a standoff built only of pride and stubbornness
  
• you feel like you're always going to feel this way
  
• you feel like you should take that first step
  
• you wonder if your ex has forgotten you
  

But,

 

• you'll lose those regrets
  
• you'll realize that in the end, no matter what you said, nothing would have changed
  
• you won't care what the ex is feeling
  
• you won't worry about not being contacted
  
• you won't care what he's feeling
  
• you'll understand why you weren't contacted
  
• you'll know you did the right thing
  
• you'll understand the struggle was only on your side
  
• you'll forget how you feel today
  
• you'll lose interest in taking that first step
  
• you'll know that forget is too strong a word. Your ex simply doesn't think about you, the way you won't think about him
  
• you'll be glad that you stayed with it
  

There is a good reason why so many people say things like "it was a huge mistake to contact him/her" and "I wish I hadn't done that". It's a lot like "I wish I hadn't put my hand in the fire"... you only realize how stupid the move was AFTER you do it.

 

 

So, hang in there, and see if you can catch up to me. I assure you, it gets a lot easier as time moves along and you focus on the future, rather than the past.

[Chi townD]

But did you reach out to her at all after the BU?

 

Nope! Not at all. She pretty much destroyed me. I caught her cheating on me, and when I confronted her, she didn't apologize or cry or anything like that. She went on the attack. She called me a loser, that I was never going to University. That I was satisfied working dead end jobs for the rest of my life. She was going with someone that had a future. Why would I want to contact someone that hurt me so bad in several different ways?

 

 

I became a hermit after that. I just worked my dead end job and went back to my crappy studio apartment. That's all I did. And my friends started to get worried thinking that I was going to do something stupid. And then, early one Friday morning. My best friend broke into my apartment, called my boss and told him I wasn't coming in that day. He packed an overnight bag for me and the next think I know, we're on a train to St. Louis for the weekend. When we got there. We saw the sites, took in a Cardinals game, toured the brewery. And we visited the Clubs at night. I even danced with a couple of girls. On the train back, I figured out why my friend kidnapped me. He wanted to show me that my Ex wasn't my entire world. She was only just a part of it. And that weekend away was just what I needed to re-energize, decompress and I also found some determination. I was going to prove what my Ex said about me wrong.

 

 

When, I got back, I FINALLY got into a University and I did extremely well. I found that I liked the challenge of it. I was doing it in the beginning to prove my ex wrong. But, after about a year and a half, I let that go. Because it wasn't my Ex studying, it was me. It wasn't my Ex writing those papers, or it wasn't my Ex taking those tests, it was all me. It was then, that I put my Ex in the rearview mirror. I caught the travel bug from that weekend at St. Louis and I STILL find myself on the move. I got a job on Campus and I would set myself up with goals for the end of each semester. I would put money away to the side and if I got an A or B in one class that I thought was going to be tough, then I would treat myself; reward myself at the end of the semester with a little trip somewhere before the new semester began again. So, I went deep sea fishing in Key West, dog sledding in Minnesota, white water rafting in West Virginia just to name a few.

 

 

And after I finished my undergrad and grad schools and started in my career, my trips got more international. I've been to no less than 20 different countries and been on every continent except for two. I became successful in my career and along the way, I met my wife who is literally 10 times better than my Ex in everyway possible. And thank God, she understands my need for travel. Sometimes she comes with me, sometimes she doesn't. The last trip I was on, she didn't come. She thought that riding a bike through southern France; entering to Spain and ride to the Spanish coast wasn't a good time. But, this last trip to relax at a resort in Southern California...well, she thought that was okay to go on..LMAO!

 

 

The best revenge you can get is to lead a DAMN good life. No, I never contacted my Ex again. She probably never found out how I turned out. But, if she ever walked through my home, she would see pictures of me standing in the Gobi Desert, or at the summit of Mount Fuji. Pictures of me with the Eiffel Tower or Big Ben. More pictures of me outside the Cathedral at Santiago. Or in Rio at Christ the Redeemer, Tokyo, Bahamas, Jamaica...on and on. She would know I had a great life, with great friends and a fantastic wife. She was wrong about me. But, I didn't need to prove that to anyone but myself. Never felt the need to contact her again, because...well...HER LOSS!!!

[minimariah]

Question as above - have you, as a dumpee, initiated NC from day 1 of breakup and stuck to it? If you broke it, is it because the dumper contacted you or did you break it out of your own volition? How long did it take for you to break it?

 

i did.

 

it was a young relationship, college. i got dumped (i think for someone else) & went NC the next day. it was awkward because we broke up without hard feelings, no drama, i wasn't mad, agreed to stay great friends and in each other's lives... but when i got home, i was suddenly REALLY pissed off. blocked him everywhere and deleted everything + threw away everything he ever gave me. what can i say...? the rage & my hurt ego got the best of me.

 

never broke the NC, he did (he really didn't know about it) - so when he saw that he was blocked, he asked my friends about it and they had my back... telling him to just back off to give me space to heal. he was apparently confused because i had seemed right and okay the day of the break up. after that, he stayed away from me and we didn't communicate when seeing each other or when we accidently got into the same crowd when going out.

 

i eventually started to feel bad about it. he was a good dude and fell out of love with me, no biggie. i mean, THEN it was the end of the world for me but as the time passed & i got over it... i felt bad because he approached me in a mature and very gentle manner - so i broke the NC, reached out to him when found his contact info and apologized... almost 3 years later. apparently, he was hurt by my actions, especially with me throwing away things he had gave me but understood & we really talked it all out. i explained me and he explained himself and honestly - i'm glad we had that convo. by that time, we had both moved on.

 

he actually moved back to my city & works at the same place as i do so we hang out occasionally last couple of weeks.

 

it's amazing how different we are since then... i think NC is needed however... if you need answers and just let it all out - do it. straight up NC won't work for everyone and is not always a good deal. sometimes you gotta let it all out & THEN go NC. when you get the feeling that nothing else can be said anymore? go NC.

Edited August 3, 2015 by minimariah

[jam67]

I did, I had a relationship end a few years ago where I made every mistake you can. So this time around, I knew to just walk away. I didn't block her on everything, but I literally have no spoken to her since. And recently I've had to start blocking her, bc she won't leave me alone now. There was a month of silence, and recently her contact with me has gotten more frequent. She's blocked on everything but text, after this past weekend I may need to block that too.

[LeslieKnope]

This is now a little while ago: when he first said he 'needed space', I gave it to him and went NC (at the time, I didn't know that's what it was, lol). About 4-5 days in, he contacted me, sort of with his tail between his legs and we talked in a friendly manner for two weeks. Problem was, I was still so hurt and angry. So eventually, it came to a head and I let everything off my chest. Afterwards, I went quiet.

 

The amazing thing is, to this day I don't regret a single thing I said at the time. It wasn't for his benefit, I'm sure. It was totally me being selfish, patting myself on the head to remind myself that everything would be okay (even if I didn't quite believe it).

 

Ultimately though, it's the time and space that's healing me, the working on myself part (i.e. moving to a new apartment in the fall, working on my fitness, seriously searching for a new job, hanging out with friends, etc). And in my time away from my ex I've come to forgive him, which is a strange relief. Like oh, I won't wallow in misery forever! I'm not going to forever wish to get him back! My head and heart are very nearly in sync to the point where I feel better and I'm (almost, not quite) ready to date again. Believe me, I didn't think I would get there!

 

Anyway, I probably just went on an unnecessary tangent, but the point is NC helps. I like what Satu said - the breakup really begins there.

[LittleAce]

I broke up it everytime i tried it and she did too. We can't be separated by NC for more than 2 or 3 months and that's harsh for me,because i know she has problems and i might be able to help her,but that would also be hard for me. Well,double edged sword.

 

However,lately,for the past month,i ignored every message she sent me until today,because,she used a different approach :

 

"can you help me? i ran away from home."

 

a few moments later

 

"just kidding,but i plan to run away from home."

 

 

 

Whenever i answer her,however,i ask myself. Why did i break the NC? For this? She can't decide for herself and she's insecure,which results in other controling her life. So she finds shelter in me, i guess. But she didn't answer my questions today and if i find out she played a game with me,by using this pretext of running away and her having cancer,then i'm done with her,for good.

[BriNyc82]

I've never went NC after being dumped but I sure wish I hand knowing what I know now.

[ZiggyZoo]

I went NC almost immediately with my last BU. This was after the one before, where I made a total ass of myself with begging, pleading, crying...I cringe looking back on it. I say "almost immediately" because I was pregnant when he broke up with me. He had totally ghosted the month earlier, and I hadn't been able to tell him. So when I got the FB message saying it was over, I dropped my bomb and gave him 24 hours to respond. He didn't, so I blocked him everywhere. I knew from my past experience that it would hurt like hell no matter what I did, but NC would definitely speed the process along.

 

Long story (feel free to look up my threads) but I got a chance to actually tell him exactly how I felt about him, and how much he had hurt me. You know what though? It made no difference in easing my pain or in my recovery. And he apologized, cried, and said that he would spend the rest of his life making it up to me if he was allowed to. So *the* response everyone wants, but it didn't take away what had already happened. I mention this to discourage you from breaking your NC to communicate your feelings with your ex. Chances are, you won't get the response I did, and it'll hurt like hell. Knowing that THEY know how you were hurt, and not responding is a horrible feeling. Like a double whammy, they dump you and don't care that it hurt you. Don't do it...

 

Hang in there. I had my husband of seven years leave me for another woman. I didn't think I would ever get over him, but I did. I didn't want to, at times, but now I can look at him and wonder WTF I ever saw in him. I know you don't want to get over your ex at times, but you'll be fine with time. And you will also gain a lot of strength for having gone through it all too.

[pa888]

I haven't talked to my ex since he dumped me almost four months ago and I unfriended him on FB the day after. We didn't fight much and our relationship did not have cheating or anything like that. He just let school and work become more important than me, and slowly faded out of the relationship. He was my first love and I decided to cut off contact for myself. I had always put him first and he stopped doing the same for me, so it was my way of putting myself first again and regaining my self-esteem by maintaining my pride.

 

Actually today would have been our one year anniversary. So I'm going to spend tonight celebrating how far I've come and enjoying being single. I have been doing well and school and recently started a job I love, so I have high hopes for the future

[StrangerThanFiction]

I did. I only broke it once and that was to text him where he could pick up the last of his stuff and then blocked him immediately after so

I wouldn't have to see if he replied or not. It's been almost 3 months since the BU and 3 months NC and I haven't regretted a day of it.

[TunaCat]

I was the dumpee. He was the dumper.

 

NC was pretty much a mutual decision (unlike the BU itself)

 

In the first 3 weeks he texted me once and FB messaged me twice. I ignored all three messages.

 

Ever since he began dating a mutual friend of ours, I have not heard hide nor hair from him.

 

I have never reached out to him. I am stubborn and I have enough self respect to not contact him.

[Jimmyjackson]

My best friend got dumped and went NC instantly, he'd go to university and leave his phone at home because he was constantly waiting for texts etc.

 

Anyway he did it and didn't break it, he's happy now in a 4 year relationship.

 

Funnily enough, we were out clubbing a few months ago and his ex who dumped him 7/8 years ago approached him and told him how great he was and basically how much she regretted letting him go.

 

It seems going NC for day 1 is the best option, it's just difficult when put in the situation, few do it I feel.

[erklat]

With this experience and knowledge I am very proficient in NC. Both as method

for personal evolution and passive aggressive behavior. There is no more unnecessary

polemics to be gained from me.

 

Wish I had the same knowledge when my ex destroyed me. After all the crying, begging

and gift buying I started my NC 174 days too late, never to be broken again.

[pillowpuffs]

Thank you everyone for your input. I asked the question because yesterday and even today I felt this overwhelming need to contact my ex. We have been (and still are) 2 months NC. I haven't contacted him and he hasn't contacted me. I had several reasons why I thought I should contact him:

 

1) I was/still am honestly living in fear. We live in a small city and on top of that, we live 10 minutes apart and I have been so afraid of bumping into him. He has been out of the country for a while and will continue to be out of the country till mid August so I haven't bumped into him but I generally was afraid that I would see him and it would hurt so bad and I would feel like such a fool because I wouldn't know anything that's going on in his life and his ridiculously childish friends would mock me or whatever. So I thought, it doesn't have to be like this. Sure, it ended badly (he dumped me and then I read his phone because I felt like he'd been cheating and I found out he had indeed cheated - he apologised and I told him off and we never spoke again) but I thought, I spent 6 years with this guy, yes he's moved on but I don't have to be afraid. I can take charge of the situation by reaching out to him. I don't want to be friends but I wanted to know that we were settled. That yeah, it ended so badly but that we could speak about it maturely over a coffee and just be civil and that's it.

 

2) I realised I was doing NC because I had listened to everyone. I wasn't breaking NC because I didn't want to let anyone down. There were few times that I did feel like breaking NC but I didn't because I thought, everyone's telling me not to do it, I better heed their advice. Yesterday, I felt a lot of regret for doing that because I thought, I regret not saying anything when perhaps I felt like I should have and I didn't not break NC for me, I did it because everyone told me not to do it and that felt silly. I guess there was some pride in it too though but mostly every friend, every member on this forum told me DONT BREAK NC and I get why they told me that, I really do - but I honestly regret not saying anything. Then again, if I had broken it earlier on, maybe I would be in a more disastrous situation now.

 

3) I realised when we broke up, I was in utter shock. I was honestly quite quiet and didn't fight it because of how shocked I felt. I just cried a lot. I really thought that we would meet again or he would contact me and I would get a chance to say everything that I wanted to say but was too surprised to say at that moment. I just kept thinking that I'd get another chance to speak to him where I'll get to say what I want to say.

 

4) I thought it was beyond strange that we spent so many years together and because of how it ended, we wouldn't speak again. He was my best friend at the end of the day.

 

5) I thought NC would make me forget him but I think it made him forget me and that upset me a LOT.

 

 

I thought about it for really long, asked everyone here, asked most of my friends and told myself that maybe some day down the road, I'll reach out to him and hope we can catch up just so we have a clean slate. Anyway, this may sound silly to some but I was looking for signs to break NC right now (and I am quite a spiritual/religious person) and everything has sort of told me no, don't do it. I am not going to do it. I think I'm very fragile still. I may never do it either.

 

I also felt afraid that he would respond to me unkindly if I asked him for a coffee and that would set me back further without settling any differences between us. Or that when and if we met, he would maybe tell me something that would be really really painful and I am very fearful of such an outcome. I don't want to be back at square 1 with all of that pain. This honestly is the biggest factor stopping me.

 

I am very conflicted. Part of me feels he doesn't deserve to hear from me ever again, and some part of me feels like it doesn't have to be this hostile between us if I do bump into him (cos I expect to be the only one affected by the hostility). Part of me also feels like if I don't break NC now, there's no point doing it later because if I do reach out to him later on, he might just tell me something like I should have been over him by that point.

 

I know a lot of people are not going to understand me and might laugh at what I think breaking NC might achieve because you've been there before and you know it doesn't work out that way. Some of you might even think it's stupid I would contact someone who was unfaithful to me (I get that too, some part of me feels really stupid for even thinking of it). And I know a lot of you might think; god this girl is so daft - why can't she get this guy wants nothing to do with her anymore? But I just wanted to put my thought process out and let everyone know what I'm thinking and why I'm thinking it, even though it does sound foolish.

 

Anyway, thank you again to everyone for commenting/posting a reply. Any thoughts on this would be appreciated!

Edited August 4, 2015 by pillowpuffs