Has any dumpee initiated NC from day 1 of breakup?

[mightycpa]

OK, I'll bite. I can understand why you want it to be civil or not hostile. Nobody wants to feel like that.

 

But why do you think you need him to help feel that way?

 

The truth probably is that he can understand why you'd be hostile, and if he's comfortable with the breakup, then I think his silence would be his way of allowing you to feel this without getting an argument from him.

 

If he has indeed forgotten you, it's not because you gave him the space to do so. It's because he was headed in that direction anyway. He has given you the same space, but you haven't forgotten him.

 

I think that deep down inside, you want to see some sign of contrition, some kind of regret that could lead to reconciliation. Whether or not you'd take it is another question, but there's undoubtedly a part of you that wants the connection that you feel to be acknowledged. You're sending out signals and so far, there's no answer and that bothers you. That's really what you're looking for, isn't it? Some sign from him that it's not completely over?

 

I think just about everybody understands what you're feeling, maybe even better than you do.

[gls081209]

I suppose I did. I'm in my third week since the break up. Since I was blindsided by him and so shocked when it happened that I couldn't ask questions at the time, I wrote an e-mail a day later to say everything I needed to say. I knew he wouldn't respond and that's fine. I just needed to get that off my chest.

 

Since then, I've had absolutely no contact and I shut down all social media so I wouldn't be tempted to look (Honestly, I don't really want to know).

 

It's hard to go cold turkey, but I'd rather do that and begin my healing process rather than go back and forth for only to have the same result and be hurt again and have to start over. Plus, I'm incredibly stubborn and refuse to give him the satisfaction of groveling to him about "what happened." I think that he made that decision and it's also an indicator of how much respect he had for me and our relationship. It's sad and hard to swallow, but I'll suck it up and do what I have to do.

[pillowpuffs]

OK, I'll bite. I can understand why you want it to be civil or not hostile. Nobody wants to feel like that.

 

But why do you think you need him to help feel that way?

 

The truth probably is that he can understand why you'd be hostile, and if he's comfortable with the breakup, then I think his silence would be his way of allowing you to feel this without getting an argument from him.

 

If he has indeed forgotten you, it's not because you gave him the space to do so. It's because he was headed in that direction anyway. He has given you the same space, but you haven't forgotten him.

 

I think that deep down inside, you want to see some sign of contrition, some kind of regret that could lead to reconciliation. Whether or not you'd take it is another question, but there's undoubtedly a part of you that wants the connection that you feel to be acknowledged. You're sending out signals and so far, there's no answer and that bothers you. That's really what you're looking for, isn't it? Some sign from him that it's not completely over?

 

I think just about everybody understands what you're feeling, maybe even better than you do.

 

I don't think I need to help him feel that way. I think it would make me feel less inhibited because it is very likely that I would bump into him someday and would rather that not be an uncomfortable situation. I also think he knows why I'd be hostile and I do agree that his silence is probably his way of showing that he feels the breakup was for the better.

 

I highlighted the part above because I feel that you've misread me if that's your biggest takeaway from what I posted. I understand how you've come to that conclusion. I guess that's what a lot of people are going to think and reply about - that my main purpose of a meet-up is to see if there is any hope left. It was honestly why I was hesitant to post to begin with because while I do love this guy a lot more than he deserves, that's not what this is about. I have been beating myself up over the whole situation. We have a lot of mutual friends, we belong to quite a small community and he made a fool out of me. I think a lot of people think that and see that. I guess I hoped that, if I reached out, I could take charge of the situation a little and try to put it in the past so I looked like less of a fool? Does that make sense?

 

But I also understand how establishing contact could put me in a worse situation; and that's why have decided not to do anything.

 

It sounds all so silly and pointless to say now though - which I guess is a good thing? It possibly would be exactly silly and pointless for me to break NC. I think I needed to see that.

 

Anyway, my feelings on breaking NC are most likely transient. Perhaps if I gave myself a few days, I wouldn't feel like I did today and yesterday. Im hoping at least.

Edited August 4, 2015 by pillowpuffs
spelling

[Chi townD]

Okay, here's the deal with NC. It's a tool for you! It's a tool to help you heal and move on from the relationship. It isn't a tool to punish our Ex's. It doesn't mean that we are being rude by not responding, we're just protecting ourselves and our hearts from any further damage.

 

 

Some people are under the impression that if we go NC , then we remain in NC forever. And that's not true. We remain in NC until every shred of romantic feelings we had for our Ex's is gone. When we think of our Ex's, we feel nothing but indifferent towards them. Only then can you entertain the idea of a friendship, but not a moment before that.

[mightycpa]

Some people are under the impression that if we go NC , then we remain in NC forever. And that's not true. We remain in NC until every shred of romantic feelings we had for our Ex's is gone. When we think of our Ex's, we feel nothing but indifferent towards them. Only then can you entertain the idea of a friendship, but not a moment before that.

The only thing I'd add to that is that once you get there, the urgency, the desire for this "friendship" generally goes away, especially if they've treated you with disrespect.

[Meli22]

Tbh, from someone who hasn't broken NC at all for 2 months (and he hasn't contacted me either) - I regret not saying anything to him. I think I thought NC would make it easier for me to forget him but truthfully, it's made it easier for him to forget me and has sort of done the opposite for me. I think there are certain things that, after you've gotten over the shock of the break up, you need to say to your ex just so you've said it and put it out there. While some may regret saying the things they said or trying to reach out - not reaching out comes with regrets too.

 

Now 2 months on, it's too late for me to say the things that I've wanted to say after I calmed down and was able to process the whole breakup. I listened to every friend who said don't contact him etc... and I don't know if I'm better off.

 

I felt like you. I walked away from my ex and I was absolutely furious with the way he had treated me. My mind was completely clouded with sadness/anger/frustration/depression that I couldn't think straight at all. 4 months later, I felt so much better but still found myself wondering what made him change. So I asked him. I broke nc after 4 months of total silence and it helped me in different ways. His response helped me realise that his life wasn't perfect without me like I'd imagined. And it also helped me to stop beating myself up wondering why his feelings changed and blaming myself. In short, he couldn't give me an answer why. But that also helped me because it made me realise that I don't want a relationship with someone who is so flakey, for no reason or explanation. That's not what I'm like, so I don't want that in return.

 

There was a million other reasons why I'd never go back and why I realised I'm so much better off without him. Briefly speaking to him at this point when I was, I guess looking for some closure, made me see that my feelings for him are definitely fading too.

 

This is just my experience though. Every break up is different so I wouldn't suggest to ANYONE to get in touch, because each situation can bring different consequences. Just follow your gut and one good thing to do is prepare yourself for EVERY single possible outcome. That's what I did before I got in touch, and it prepared me for every worst case scenario.

[pillowpuffs]

Chi TownD and mightycpa - yes I agree NC is a healing tool. I am far from healed but I do think it's helped me generally. But I am still vulnerable. Which is understandable, right?

 

I thought perhaps I could take charge of the situation a little bit but now I see, what's the point? It won't go the way I want it to, it will hurt me even more and I'll most probably regret it.

 

Anyway mightycpa, I hope like you said earlier, one day the regrets won't matter and I won't have the worries that I have now. It'll take me a while to get there. Right now everyday is an effort - but I really do hope I get there one day.

[pillowpuffs]

I felt like you. I walked away from my ex and I was absolutely furious with the way he had treated me. My mind was completely clouded with sadness/anger/frustration/depression that I couldn't think straight at all. 4 months later, I felt so much better but still found myself wondering what made him change. So I asked him. I broke nc after 4 months of total silence and it helped me in different ways. His response helped me realise that his life wasn't perfect without me like I'd imagined. And it also helped me to stop beating myself up wondering why his feelings changed and blaming myself. In short, he couldn't give me an answer why. But that also helped me because it made me realise that I don't want a relationship with someone who is so flakey, for no reason or explanation. That's not what I'm like, so I don't want that in return.

 

There was a million other reasons why I'd never go back and why I realised I'm so much better off without him. Briefly speaking to him at this point when I was, I guess looking for some closure, made me see that my feelings for him are definitely fading too.

 

This is just my experience though. Every break up is different so I wouldn't suggest to ANYONE to get in touch, because each situation can bring different consequences. Just follow your gut and one good thing to do is prepare yourself for EVERY single possible outcome. That's what I did before I got in touch, and it prepared me for every worst case scenario.

 

That makes a lot of sense. I'm glad you got your "closure" in a way! I think if I still do feel like reaching out few months down the road (right now I don't think I'm ready yet), I will. I hope that with time, I'll feel less of a need to say something. But like you said, I must prepare myself for everything if I do it. I don't think I'd hear back and I must be prepared for that too!

[Chi townD]

Chi TownD and mightycpa - yes I agree NC is a healing tool. I am far from healed but I do think it's helped me generally. But I am still vulnerable. Which is understandable, right?

 

I thought perhaps I could take charge of the situation a little bit but now I see, what's the point? It won't go the way I want it to, it will hurt me even more and I'll most probably regret it.

 

Anyway mightycpa, I hope like you said earlier, one day the regrets won't matter and I won't have the worries that I have now. It'll take me a while to get there. Right now everyday is an effort - but I really do hope I get there one day.

 

 

Okay, but you have to understand that NC isn't the only thing you should be doing. Will doing NC help you heal? Yes. Will doing NC in conjunction with making positive changes in your life heal you more quickly? ABSOLUTELY!!! Here are some idea's of positive changes and what I mean by positive changes.

 

 

Right now your self esteem is probably in the toilet. So, you need to go out and get a new hairstyle, something people will like and notice. You then need to get a new wardrobe. Some stuff that can be conservative yet sexy. You want people telling you "DAMN GIRL! You're looking hot!" Hearing that will help your ego and self esteem!

 

 

Then, go to the gym! Everyday! Run your ass off on the treadmill and push some weight. Sign up for a spin class, Yoga or Zumba classes. This will help you burn off the stress and frustrations you're having. Plus, if you eat right, eat clean and get plenty of sleep, you'll be working towards that rock hard and toned sexy bod that guys are definitely going to notice. And you'll probably catch guys checking out your butt as you walk by in the gym wearing them yoga pants! You might think to yourself, "perverts!" But, you'll be thinking it with a smile on your face!

 

 

Then, get some new hobbies! Something that you'll enjoy. Normally, with new hobbies, there's usually clubs in your area that you can join with people that share the same interest! So, join a co-ed softball league, or community theater. Or a running club. These guys do 5k, 10k, half and full marathons. Plus, they do other fun stuff like mud runs and you'll be doing the Warrior Dash, or Spartan Run or Zombie Runs. They're a lot of fun and they usually have a big party afterwards with live music, beer and a great party atmosphere. Plus, you'll be making a lot of new friends! You can join a cycling Club. These guys travel all around to mountain bike and you'll get to see some of the country's most beautiful landscapes. Or take dive lessons and become dive certified. Join a diving club! They set up trips to dive ship wrecks and to see some of the most beautiful Coral Reefs in the world!

 

 

Then, travel! Go see what's out there! You don't have to go nuts! But, if there's a music festival happening a couple of cities over, go! Have Fun! If there's a place you've always wanted to see, make a plan, save and GO! There's a big world outside your door with people from so many different cultures, GO MEET THEM!!

 

 

Remember what I said, the best revenge you can get is to lead a DAMN good and adventurous life! What if one day your Ex gets curious about you and tries to look you up on facebook, and then he see's a pic of you standing knee high in water on a sandy beach in the Bahamas with your girlfriends with you rockin a sexy bod in a red bikini and holding a margarita and smiling like you don't have a care in the world! Hopefully, He'll be thinking, "Damn, I messed up!" You know what? HIS LOSS!!!

[pillowpuffs]

Okay, but you have to understand that NC isn't the only thing you should be doing. Will doing NC help you heal? Yes. Will doing NC in conjunction with making positive changes in your life heal you more quickly? ABSOLUTELY!!! Here are some idea's of positive changes and what I mean by positive changes.

 

 

Right now your self esteem is probably in the toilet. So, you need to go out and get a new hairstyle, something people will like and notice. You then need to get a new wardrobe. Some stuff that can be conservative yet sexy. You want people telling you "DAMN GIRL! You're looking hot!" Hearing that will help your ego and self esteem!

 

 

Then, go to the gym! Everyday! Run your ass off on the treadmill and push some weight. Sign up for a spin class, Yoga or Zumba classes. This will help you burn off the stress and frustrations you're having. Plus, if you eat right, eat clean and get plenty of sleep, you'll be working towards that rock hard and toned sexy bod that guys are definitely going to notice. And you'll probably catch guys checking out your butt as you walk by in the gym wearing them yoga pants! You might think to yourself, "perverts!" But, you'll be thinking it with a smile on your face!

 

 

Then, get some new hobbies! Something that you'll enjoy. Normally, with new hobbies, there's usually clubs in your area that you can join with people that share the same interest! So, join a co-ed softball league, or community theater. Or a running club. These guys do 5k, 10k, half and full marathons. Plus, they do other fun stuff like mud runs and you'll be doing the Warrior Dash, or Spartan Run or Zombie Runs. They're a lot of fun and they usually have a big party afterwards with live music, beer and a great party atmosphere. Plus, you'll be making a lot of new friends! You can join a cycling Club. These guys travel all around to mountain bike and you'll get to see some of the country's most beautiful landscapes. Or take dive lessons and become dive certified. Join a diving club! They set up trips to dive ship wrecks and to see some of the most beautiful Coral Reefs in the world!

 

 

Then, travel! Go see what's out there! You don't have to go nuts! But, if there's a music festival happening a couple of cities over, go! Have Fun! If there's a place you've always wanted to see, make a plan, save and GO! There's a big world outside your door with people from so many different cultures, GO MEET THEM!!

 

 

Remember what I said, the best revenge you can get is to lead a DAMN good and adventurous life! What if one day your Ex gets curious about you and tries to look you up on facebook, and then he see's a pic of you standing knee high in water on a sandy beach in the Bahamas with your girlfriends with you rockin a sexy bod in a red bikini and holding a margarita and smiling like you don't have a care in the world! Hopefully, He'll be thinking, "Damn, I messed up!" You know what? HIS LOSS!!!

 

Reading your post actually made me laugh! Thanks for that.

 

You are right about all of the above. I have to be honest and tell you that I've become a shell of the person I used to be! My self esteem is indeed in the gutter and more than anything, I haven't had the motivation to do anything. I think when the breakup first happened, I tried all of that - I got the haircut, managed to shop a few weeks after, didn't manage to make it to the gym because I was so upset I was making myself sick so it wasn't possible but I went out, tried to socialise. Either way, I didn't feel any better. I think I placed a lot of expectation on myself - I told myself if I do abc, I'll feel good, I'll be okay. But I didn't and it got so tiring to fake being happy. Every time I did that, I ended up back home on my bathroom floor just sobbing - real, loud actual sobs. It was so painful. The past 2 weeks I've taken a step back to do what's been comfortable for me. I realise I can't force myself into happiness, whatever I was doing was having the opposite effect.

 

Reading your post today makes me feel like I need to start pushing myself again to do things for me. I have lost myself in this breakup and while it still hurts like a b*tch when I think of my ex and I miss him in every moment, I need to reclaim back my life. My motivation is still not entirely there but I'm going to start somewhere. I am going back to the gym tomorrow. And I will work on the hobby thing. Right now, I'm sitting for the bar exams and that's been a main priority but that can be dreadfully dull so.. I need to open my mind to other things to distract me/for my sanity.

 

Thanks for reminding me that there's so much I can do to heal. I had a really bad morning today that I felt really, really down and broken, I needed the reminder. And also, the whole "the best revenge is to lead a damn good life" is genius. I've read that in other posts you have made in other threads but I have been very down and haven't applied that to myself. I will try my best to start working towards that - one step at a time but I hope I get there.

Edited August 5, 2015 by pillowpuffs

[Chi townD]

Reading your post actually made me laugh! Thanks for that.

 

You are right about all of the above. I have to be honest and tell you that I've become a shell of the person I used to be! My self esteem is indeed in the gutter and more than anything, I haven't had the motivation to do anything. I think when the breakup first happened, I tried all of that - I got the haircut, managed to shop a few weeks after, didn't manage to make it to the gym because I was so upset I was making myself sick so it wasn't possible but I went out, tried to socialise. Either way, I didn't feel any better. I think I placed a lot of expectation on myself - I told myself if I do abc, I'll feel good, I'll be okay. But I didn't and it got so tiring to fake being happy. Every time I did that, I ended up back home on my bathroom floor just sobbing - real, loud actual sobs. It was so painful. The past 2 weeks I've taken a step back to do what's been comfortable for me. I realise I can't force myself into happiness, whatever I was doing was having the opposite effect.

 

Reading your post today makes me feel like I need to start pushing myself again to do things for me. I have lost myself in this breakup and while it still hurts like a b*tch when I think of my ex and I miss him in every moment, I need to reclaim back my life. My motivation is still not entirely there but I'm going to start somewhere. I am going back to the gym tomorrow. And I will work on the hobby thing. Right now, I'm sitting for the bar exams and that's been a main priority but that can be dreadfully dull so.. I need to open my mind to other things to distract me/for my sanity.

 

Thanks for reminding me that there's so much I can do to heal. I had a really bad morning today that I felt really, really down and broken, I needed the reminder. And also, the whole "the best revenge is to lead a damn good life" is genius. I've read that in other posts you have made in other threads but I have been very down and haven't applied that to myself. I will try my best to start working towards that - one step at a time but I hope I get there.

 

 

Yeah, it sounds like you're still mourning the loss of your relationship. And that's okay and it's NORMAL! But, that's the problem with advice forums. The only thing we can do is give you advice. Unfortunately, YOU need to find the motivation. You have to push yourself to do these positive changes. And they may feel like they're not doing anything, you still feel down, but as you heal and still push yourself; you'll find yourself saying, "Hey, that wasn't bad" and then as you heal even more you'll say, "Hey, that was actually kind of fun!" Trust me, it will happen. It's just going to take some time. BUT! You need to keep pushing forward and MAKING things happen!

 

 

How did I know I was healing? Everyday, the FIRST thing I thought of when I woke up in the morning was my Ex. EVERYDAY! It was getting annoying. But, I had to endure it. Then, one day I woke up, got in the shower, ate breakfast and went about my day. Then, I thought about my Ex around noon. Then, I had an epiphany! My Ex wasn't the first thing I thought about when I woke up! It was then when I realized I was starting to heal.

 

 

When my best friend kidnapped me, he made me realize that I made my Ex my world and I was an idiot to do so. He made me realize that there is a bigger world out there with so many different people and different things to see. He made me realize that our Ex's aren't our life. Our lives are our own and we CHOSE who we want to share that life with.

 

 

If you like that saying, "The best revenge you can get is to lead and DAMN good life" Then write it on a post-it note and put it on the bathroom mirror. Read it everyday to remind you of what you should be doing. Draw motivation from it. The smallest things can make a big difference.

 

 

And post here often! A lot of us only get to hear from people that are at there lowest. We LOVE to see people heal. We LOVE hear about the fun things your doing. We LOVE to read success stories. And believe me, you will still get advice and you're going to find that you have motivators here for you and your biggest cheering section.

[dreraven052]

what is NC

[Chi townD]

what is NC

 

 

It means "No Contact". No Contact with our Ex's at all. We block them on all our social media and if they texts us, we ignore it, if they email us, we ignore it and if they call us, we let it go to voicemail.

[TaraMaiden2]

what is NC

 

Read my signature link, the NC Guide.

 

 

It's not, nor ever has been, designed to get your ex back (re your other thread).

That's not how, or why it works.