DC77 Posted August 3, 2015 Share Posted August 3, 2015 I'm looking for suggestions to regain my confidence in relationships... I have confidence in every aspect of my life except relationships. In my professional life I'm a no nonsense type of person. I do my job and do it well. I don't leave much room for fluff. I'm not a pushover. I say what I need. I get the job done... In my personal life, I'm a survivor. I've been through some tough crap in life, but I've persevered. I'm independent. And have done very well taking care of myself. I'm an athlete. An extreme sports enthusiast. I crush whitewater and climb mountains. I'm very confident in my independence, abilities, and skills. I'm a mentor and safety instructor. I say what needs to be said when it needs to be said. And I'm a relatively happy and positive person. But when it comes to relationships, I lack the same assertiveness and confidence I have in other aspects of my life. I get tongue tied. I don't say what I think or feel. I don't set boundaries. I worry what people think of me. I hold back. This was brought to my attention after a recent breakup. I'm not going to go into too much detail, but in a nutshell, the man I had been dating said he would never marry me because I lacked confidence (among other things) so I painfully walked out on him. Not that his word is in stone or that he has any room to talk, but he actually has a point on this matter. Particularly since I upped and moved 2 years ago for work. I've had a difficult time with relationships male and female. I haven't quite figured out where I fit in. And when it comes to men, I've become clingy. I'm not a woman that needs a whole lot. I never considered myself "needy." But lately, when I do something to piss someone off, or something that someone doesn't like, I crumble. "Why are you mad at me?" "Don't hate me." "How do I make it better?..." Uhg!! Really!? I'm afraid of loss...and it pisses me off! So what are some thoughts, experiences, suggestions for recovering my confidence and empowerment in relationships...I'm on a hiatus until I get this **** figured out. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted August 3, 2015 Share Posted August 3, 2015 When you find yourself being all mushy & inept in a social situation, take a second & think about how you would handle a similar issue in a business setting or other arena where you do feel confident. Then channel that energy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
StalwartMind Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 I guess I'll disagree with him having a point in regards to you not being confident enough to marry. This is actually an individual opinion, not everyone needs their partner to be this super confident person, there are those who feel they can see potential in someone, and also will want to be the support to bring the best out of their partner. One of the reasons why confidence can play a much different role in relationships, is because no matter how confident or experienced you are, it doesn't guarantee anything. It's different in many other aspects of life as we can control to a great extent how the end result will be. This is perhaps the single most frightening thing when it comes to others, because unless the person we are with displays a great understanding as well as makes us feel comfortable, then we are always at their mercy. They can end things and there is nothing we can do about it. Considering how easily affected many of us are, and how our views on things can conflict, it's in a way impressive when two people get along really well, as there are a lot of factors that have to fit the puzzle. Everyone also have different ideas of the closeness they want with someone else, including when to give space. Most people don't enjoy loss, it is however a natural part of life. In some sense we should all be prepared for it, although we shouldn't let it consume us so much that it's all we think about. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Guilty Good Girl Posted August 6, 2015 Share Posted August 6, 2015 This is interesting. The lack of confidence comes with fear of the relationship. As I read you have some "clingy" things going on. What feelings bubble up when you are in a relationship? Facing those feelings head on will allow you to walk through them and then a strange thing happens....the actually melt away. Recognize the feelings you get when in a relationship. Don't try to talk yourself away from them. Walk through them. You will find you have less anxiety with the relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted August 7, 2015 Share Posted August 7, 2015 But lately, when I do something to piss someone off, or something that someone doesn't like, I crumble. "Why are you mad at me?" "Don't hate me." "How do I make it better?..." Uhg!! Really!? I'm afraid of loss...and it pisses me off! Afraid of loss of what? Because, if you're just doing something that's natural for you - expressing yourself or a feeling or opinion - in a good-natured, nice/kind way, and the other person gets mad in a serious or pissed-off kind of way, then that person is a control-freak, or has some sense of entitlement, or superiority, or ownership over you. And you'd WANT to quickly lose such a person out of your life, would you not? Other stable, secure, nice/kind people won't get all "I hate you" just because you're expressing yourself or saying what you think...even if it's different from how they express themselves or what they think. Unless you meant loss in the sense of feeling humiliated, rejected, or such -- identity-level loss? (instead of just not having people in your life that you can call friends or close friends.) Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted August 7, 2015 Share Posted August 7, 2015 (edited) anyone can put on a confident facade....and not feel that way at all inside......for me having real confidence is in expressing negative feelings as well as positive..sharing everything......or its a just a propaganda wall of who you are and how you feel....sunny side up all the time gets tiring and predictable............its in accepting your flaws and his and moving on regardless...i am not confident when i start a relationship with someone new....its not that i lack confidence in my own abilities ...its that i lack the confidence in them...as in trust......and as soon as i get that vibe that i am justified in lacking confidence ...i end my being open with them and clam up go internal for a while..........its why i will have few intimate relationships with guys in my life.....but the beauty of that is.....the next guy i am open without clamming up anything and i have confidence in...is the guy who is going to last..... maybe its not yourself you lack confidence with but the guy you were with....you know what....... we can bring out the best in others......but they have to want to see the best in us too...if a guy said you lack confidence and that is why he wont marry you....i think its more an excuse to not marry and he has issues..... than anything to do with your level of confidence...and in all honesty ....not very confidence building on his behalf huh...you were right to leg it...however painful that walk was... ..be yourself...the right guy will see you...no matter if some days you dont hold your head high enough when smashing through the rapids...the right guy for you will be more interested in the successful journey with you on those rapids..... than watching when you cop a mouthful of white water to see how much you sputter................good luck...deb Edited August 7, 2015 by todreaminblue Link to post Share on other sites
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