The bad guy in this story...

[tamcat]

I have been having an EA with a woman for just over a year. I know, I don't need the lecture about what an ahole I am. I am married to a wonderful woman. We don't fight, and in most ways, I love her. However, these ways are pretty much limited to loving her love for our son, and unconditional love for her as my best friend. We have not been intimate for over a year - it is just as though neither of us has had an interest of having sex. I truly feel happy when I am with the OW, but I know that there are a lot of things to take into consideration before making the decision of what to do. We have a young son. This is both of our first marriages, and we have been married for 11 years. I know that I am the one who is very much in the wrong, but I have been unhappy for a very long time now - our marriage has pretty much been unhappy for half of our married life - we simply co-exist as housemates. I know you guys hear this song a million times, and I don't feel sorry for myself in any way. But I am having such trouble deciding on whether I should try to make my marriage work (we've been trying and going to a MC for some time now), or do I try and find happiness with the OW? We have not been physical, but we both feel the same, and I believe that I might just find happiness there. And how would things work with our son?! I just feel like such a selfish person, and because of this whole scenario, I am the cause for everyone around me hurting.

 

Thanks guys

[minimariah]

quick questions - you've been having an EA for over a year & didn't have sex with your W for over a year -- what happened first? did your EA happened after your marriage was already sexless OR did the lack of sex came as a result of your EA?

 

why exactly is your marriage unhappy? what are the reasons? can you point out those moments when your relationship started to fail? i think it's important to know just WHY did one relationship fail in order to learn on your mistakes.

 

also -- going to MC & having an EA does not work. if you truly want to try MC, every contact needs to be cut off with the OW. only then you can say that you tried it with MC -- of course, it is up to you to decide if your marriage is worth trying and that includes completely breaking everything off with the OW.

 

also, how old is your son? a toddler or...? & how old are you and your W? twenties, thirties...?

 

if you do decide to divorce, would your W be opened to a civil and normal conversation and coparenting? kids adapt fast & without bigger problems with normal parents who are willing to work together & usually through 50:50 custody... so everything is equally shared. is that something you see yourself and your W doing...?

Edited August 4, 2015 by minimariah

[tamcat]

The no-sex and unhappy marraige was there way before the EA. Wife has/had a drinking problem, which seems to be under control for the time being. We can't pinpoint exactly when things started to go wrong - we just both agree that it's been unhappy for way too long. If I had to say, I'd say that we simply grew in different directions.

 

I had no contact with EA while we were doing the MC.

 

Son is 6 years old. My wife and I are in our fourties.

 

Yes, my W and I are both very much open to doing whatever we choose to do, as amicably as possible. We would be doing 50/50 parenting, with her buying a place nearby our current house.

[minimariah]

The no-sex and unhappy marraige was there way before the EA. Wife has/had a drinking problem, which seems to be under control for the time being. We can't pinpoint exactly when things started to go wrong - we just both agree that it's been unhappy for way too long. If I had to say, I'd say that we simply grew in different directions.

 

I had no contact with EA while we were doing the MC.

 

Son is 6 years old. My wife and I are in our fourties.

 

Yes, my W and I are both very much open to doing whatever we choose to do, as amicably as possible. We would be doing 50/50 parenting, with her buying a place nearby our current house.

 

while you were in MC -- how did it work out? do you feel that it had helped your marriage? it's a really great thing that you and your W are both reasonable folks who can and will stay friendly and civil with each other in the worst case scenario (at least it looks like that now).

 

can i ask you -- is open marriage, a roommate type of marriage where you stay together but wait for your kid to grow old and mature enough to handle the divorce... is that an option?

 

staying together would be the best thing for your KID, but i'm not sure about you. clearly, you and your W don't have a toxic relationship -- you just aren't in love anymore. i think it is up to you to decide if that's good enough for a divorce.

[Satu]

It is not essential for parents to be married and living together.

 

It is perceived as being the ideal situation, but it's not always the best option.

 

Lots of people co-parent successfully after divorce.

 

Lots of people who divorce have good relations with their ex.

 

Examine every possibility.

[Iron Bubba]

It is not essential for parents to be married and living together.

 

It is perceived as being the ideal situation, but it's not always the best option.

 

Lots of people co-parent successfully after divorce.

 

Lots of people who divorce have good relations with their ex.

 

Examine every possibility.

 

E#very opportunity?

 

Every single opportunity?

 

 

You do know that includes murdering someone?

 

Which I don't endorse of course of course.

[minimariah]

It is not essential for parents to be married and living together.

 

It is perceived as being the ideal situation, but it's not always the best option.

 

Lots of people co-parent successfully after divorce.

 

Lots of people who divorce have good relations with their ex.

 

Examine every possibility.

 

^^ this.

 

& maybe divorcing NOW would be a good thing since the OP & his W seem civil & friendly with each other. it is much better to part ways BEFORE you start resenting each other - that way you can mantain and build a healthy relationship with your X.

[Mr. Lucky]

We have not been intimate for over a year - it is just as though neither of us has had an interest of having sex.

 

How do you know your wife isn't involved with someone on at least the same level you are?

 

Mr. Lucky

[RightThere]

Well if you are interested in patching things up with your wife, you'll need to be honest with her about your affair.

 

If you're not interested in doing that, you may as well leave her because it won't fix itself otherwise. Trying to reconnect to your wife while holding that secret and being emotionally connected to another woman dooms any hope of reconciliation. That is the only guarantee here.

[Ifalltopieces]

I have been having an EA with a woman for just over a year. I know, I don't need the lecture about what an ahole I am. I am married to a wonderful woman. We don't fight, and in most ways, I love her. However, these ways are pretty much limited to loving her love for our son, and unconditional love for her as my best friend. We have not been intimate for over a year - it is just as though neither of us has had an interest of having sex. I truly feel happy when I am with the OW, but I know that there are a lot of things to take into consideration before making the decision of what to do. We have a young son. This is both of our first marriages, and we have been married for 11 years. I know that I am the one who is very much in the wrong, but I have been unhappy for a very long time now - our marriage has pretty much been unhappy for half of our married life - we simply co-exist as housemates. I know you guys hear this song a million times, and I don't feel sorry for myself in any way. But I am having such trouble deciding on whether I should try to make my marriage work (we've been trying and going to a MC for some time now), or do I try and find happiness with the OW? We have not been physical, but we both feel the same, and I believe that I might just find happiness there. And how would things work with our son?! I just feel like such a selfish person, and because of this whole scenario, I am the cause for everyone around me hurting.

 

Thanks guys

 

You should have thought about what you wanted before you drug another woman into your messed up situation. Another "man" who will more than likely break someone's heart and maybe even ruin their life, all for his own selfish agenda. I don't feel sorry for you at all. You should have been a real man and taken care of things on the Homefront before you sought out an innocent person. I don't just say that as an OW, I'm referring to your wife too. Neither women deserve what your doing. SMH

[tamcat]

How do you know your wife isn't involved with someone on at least the same level you are?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

 

Hi Mr Lucky

 

I know for a fact that my wife is not in any way involved with anyone else

[tamcat]

Well if you are interested in patching things up with your wife, you'll need to be honest with her about your affair.

 

If you're not interested in doing that, you may as well leave her because it won't fix itself otherwise. Trying to reconnect to your wife while holding that secret and being emotionally connected to another woman dooms any hope of reconciliation. That is the only guarantee here.

 

 

Hi RT

 

My wife is aware of my feelings for the OW. She also acknowledges the state of the marriage, and she is the one which is more desperate to patch things up. But I honestly feel that there is not much to work with... I am afraid of letting my chance of happiness go past.

[tamcat]

You should have thought about what you wanted before you drug another woman into your messed up situation. Another "man" who will more than likely break someone's heart and maybe even ruin their life, all for his own selfish agenda. I don't feel sorry for you at all. You should have been a real man and taken care of things on the Homefront before you sought out an innocent person. I don't just say that as an OW, I'm referring to your wife too. Neither women deserve what your doing. SMH

 

Hi SMH

 

We did not go out looking for this to happen. And I am not looking for pity. I acknowledge being a pig, and I own my share in letting my marriage get to the point that it is now. But I also am not the only one at fault in this situation. The OW and I have been trying to stay away from each other, but it is not easy.

 

I am truly sorry for what you are going through.

[tamcat]

while you were in MC -- how did it work out? do you feel that it had helped your marriage? it's a really great thing that you and your W are both reasonable folks who can and will stay friendly and civil with each other in the worst case scenario (at least it looks like that now).

 

can i ask you -- is open marriage, a roommate type of marriage where you stay together but wait for your kid to grow old and mature enough to handle the divorce... is that an option?

 

staying together would be the best thing for your KID, but i'm not sure about you. clearly, you and your W don't have a toxic relationship -- you just aren't in love anymore. i think it is up to you to decide if that's good enough for a divorce.

 

Hi MiniMariah

 

I can say that the good thing that came from the MC was that we got to be completely open and honest about how we feel and where we think things are heading. Albeit not very positive. We love each other, but not on the levels where a marriage should be.

 

An open marriage isn't an option. I believe that it would most likely f*ck up the great relationship we have, when emotions come into play, and I truly don't want to hurt my wife any more.

 

We just aren't in love anymore. I wish I could say that I feel we could get it back, but I don't see how that would ever happen. I'd rather have her get to live a happy, fulfilled life with someone who can appreciate and make her happy, than to continue the way we are now. I didn't mention this before, but I have bipolar, and living with me is difficult at the best of times. Being this unhappy has not made the homefront a very happy place for the past few years.

[tamcat]

It is not essential for parents to be married and living together.

 

It is perceived as being the ideal situation, but it's not always the best option.

 

Lots of people co-parent successfully after divorce.

 

Lots of people who divorce have good relations with their ex.

 

Examine every possibility.

 

Thanks for that, Satu. I am incredibly scared of what a divorce could do to our child. My wife and I have been looking at options of places for her to stay, and from the word go we have agreed that she would basically find a place in the same suburb, in order for him to be able to see either of us when he wishes. I want to stress that my wife is a wonderful woman, and I take my hat off to her for her understanding and patience, even while knowing about the other woman.

[tamcat]

I just want to add that there are factors involved which led to the marriage being in the state that it is. Faults from both our sides. And we have both acknowledged them. It's just that, having been this unhappy for so long, I don't see much of a positive way forward where the marriage is concerned. My wife has been extremely understanding and supportive, but I can not make myself feel something that is not there...

[minimariah]

Thanks for that, Satu. I am incredibly scared of what a divorce could do to our child. My wife and I have been looking at options of places for her to stay, and from the word go we have agreed that she would basically find a place in the same suburb, in order for him to be able to see either of us when he wishes. I want to stress that my wife is a wonderful woman, and I take my hat off to her for her understanding and patience, even while knowing about the other woman.

 

 

divorce doesn't need to be horrible at all for your child if both you & your W keep it as healthy & as light as you possibly can.

 

it's a really great thing to read about a good relationship between you and your W, keep working on it and keep nurturing that friendship. your child needs his parents and needs a healthy dynamic between his parents... he also needs the same amount of time with both of his parents so i'm glad you're going for 50 : 50 & joint custody.

 

if you feel like you're over -- then separate and see what happens. give your W time to settle down and give the both of you time to organize and schedule seeing your son. after that, when everything catches a certain routine - divorce.

 

good luck.

[tamcat]

 

divorce doesn't need to be horrible at all for your child if both you & your W keep it as healthy & as light as you possibly can.

 

it's a really great thing to read about a good relationship between you and your W, keep working on it and keep nurturing that friendship. your child needs his parents and needs a healthy dynamic between his parents... he also needs the same amount of time with both of his parents so i'm glad you're going for 50 : 50 & joint custody.

 

if you feel like you're over -- then separate and see what happens. give your W time to settle down and give the both of you time to organize and schedule seeing your son. after that, when everything catches a certain routine - divorce.

 

good luck.

 

 

Hi mariah

First, thank you for never replying to posts with a judgemental answer. I have looked at some of your other postings, and that is something quite special. It is not nice knowing when a person seems to be the only one at fault, and then being stoned for it...

 

Separation isn't really an option, as it is financially just not possible for us right now. Having said that, I don't want to risk screwing up the good friendship we have now, by dragging on the marriage and a situation where we are both unhappy. I don't know if this makes sense to anyone but myself.

[minimariah]

Having said that, I don't want to risk screwing up the good friendship we have now, by dragging on the marriage and a situation where we are both unhappy. I don't know if this makes sense to anyone but myself.

 

thank you for your kind words and yes, it does make sense.

 

& i agree -- it is better for you to divorce when you're on good terms. staying in an unhappy marriage will only cause resentment & ruin your relationship.

 

sit down with your W, tell her gently that you think that the divorce would be for the best right now & start with the proceedings.

 

as far as your EA goes... well, take your time. just clear your head a little bit and when you're emotionally done with the divorce (even if the marriage is unhappy, divorce itself can be painful and it takes time to get over it so be careful with that) - then you can start something serious with another woman.

[tamcat]

Thanks for the reply, Mariah.

We have decided on taking a couple of months to see what would make us happy as individuals. I am just honestly so tired of having to think of this. I don't know whether you have ever crossed paths with someone who has bipolar? We sometimes do stupid, impulsive things when we're manic, and then we're (at least I am) absolutely drained when I hit a depro. I am there at the moment, and I just don't have the energy to speak to anyone about this anymore.Yet in my mind, I can't switch off from it. It's really not a fun place to be right now

[minimariah]

Thanks for the reply, Mariah.

We have decided on taking a couple of months to see what would make us happy as individuals. I am just honestly so tired of having to think of this. I don't know whether you have ever crossed paths with someone who has bipolar? We sometimes do stupid, impulsive things when we're manic, and then we're (at least I am) absolutely drained when I hit a depro. I am there at the moment, and I just don't have the energy to speak to anyone about this anymore.Yet in my mind, I can't switch off from it. It's really not a fun place to be right now

 

do you treat your bipolar with any therapy or medication...? do you have a therapist who helps you keep it under control...?

 

yeah, just taking a little bif of a "pause" on life isn't a bad idea. maybe for now, focus on you & try to get your head clean...? and after that, deal with the state of your marriage and the EA.

 

take it easy. be careful with your health.

[qubist]

Tamcat: first of all let me tell you one thing that is a fact that you are no aware of: Happiness depend only on you nobody else other than you can give you happiness. Can you find it with the OW? possibly but possibly not who knows. you referred to your wife as a wonderful person in your very first post which tells me she is not bad, i understand you have problems and things have escalated to a very low point but believe me leaving doesn't guaranty happiness. you are only going to be happy if you are satisfied with who you really are. you could work on your M it won't be easy though, in fact in your case it seems it would be a very hard work, nobody can blame you if you decide not to pursue this route you can chose the easier path of going to the OW, which BTW nothing is guarantied there. If you were a brother or someone close to me I would encourage you to chose the harder route which is your wife and son's life. I'm not sure how much effort you are willing to put but I have a feeling that you are one of those who gives up little too soon ( sorry no disrespect meant here this just what I sensed)

good luck

Edited August 7, 2015 by qubist

[elaine567]

I just want to add that there are factors involved which led to the marriage being in the state that it is. Faults from both our sides. And we have both acknowledged them. It's just that, having been this unhappy for so long, I don't see much of a positive way forward where the marriage is concerned. My wife has been extremely understanding and supportive, but I can not make myself feel something that is not there...

 

The worry I have here is that you may substitute the OW for your wife, but you may be replacing one sexless or sexually incompatible relationship with another.

 

I am also unclear in that you say an open marriage would

"f*ck up the great relationship we have, when emotions come into play, and I truly don't want to hurt my wife any more."

 

She is going to be pretty hurt when you file for divorce and shack up with the OW, then isn't she?

 

YOU are closing your mind to fixing your marriage, because you feel you have another option here.

If your OW broke up with you tomorrow, which could happen after all, an affair is just a relationship like any other, would you still be so keen on divorce?

Is your OW single or married?

[tamcat]

Hi mariah

 

Yes, I am currently under intense theraphy for the bipolar - medication and regular sessions with my psychologist and psychiatrist. My wife and I have since agreed that divorce will be the best option for us

[loveboid]

Apologies I haven't read the whole thread, just saw your wife is an alcoholic and wanted to recommend you research adult children of alcoholics. There may be a history of addiction in your family tree (parent, grandparent) that influences you into adopting a habitual care taking role for addicts. You may find yourself with another addict if that is the case.