Getting over my cheating girlfriend

[cb2435]

Hi guys,

 

This is my first post and it's a topic that I've been struggling with a lot. Right now I feel so alone and I think this will help overcome this. I'll post a timeline of the relevant events.

 

- I live in Scotland and started my third year of university in September 2013. At this point a girl that I had sort of been with for a semester travelled from America to do her Masters at the same university. She split with her boyfriend before coming out.

- We sort of got together when we were reunited, however I was confused when I confronted her about a text her boyfriend sent her in November 2013 along the lines of "I want you". She explained that although she had finished with him he hadn't gotten the message.

- All-in-all the first few months weren't particularly serious - I didn't see her for the whole of January after being assaulted at New Years, having exams, and going on a week-long trip to France with the school (I know I was a **** boyfriend)

- Things started to get a lot more serious after Valentines 2014. In March had said we loved each other.

- At the end of March/beginning of April she went on a trip around Europe for a week, saying she was travelling with her college roommate.

- We went to Spain in June 2013 for 10 days, which was amazing. However, when sitting next to her I noticed she was messaging her ex. Upon looking over to see what she was saying, she hid her phone to prevent me from seeing. She insisted they were just friends.

- We pretty much lived together for the rest of the summer, and it was the best time of my life. Our relationship grew so much and we grew so dependent on each other. I met her parents and sister who travelled from the U.S., and I booked up a trip this summer for 6 weeks to visit her.

- In November 2014 she had to travel back to the U.S. because her Visa had run out. However, a week after she was supposed to go, she informed me that she had in fact gone for her March 2014 trip to Europe with her ex-boyfriend, during which they had slept together. For some reason the shock didn't sink in and I just wanted to move on, thinking 'everyone makes mistakes'.

 

We did so well to keep our relationship going long-distance. We only saw each other for a week between early November 2014 - mid June 2015. Every now and then I would think about what she told me and would get really upset, although we would Skype and talk it through. Our relationship seemingly got extremely serious in the space of a year, and at that point it was easy to put the past behind us (or simply not think about it).

 

We had a really great summer travelling the States, and I got back last week. We have a flat sorted together and she starts her PhD in Scotland in a month. However for some reason I keep playing the events of her cheating in my head, and I don't know why these thoughts are so strong right now. We make each other so happy, we love each other, and I want nothing more than to move on. I think it might be because we are separated for this month between the trip and starting work - but I don't want to entertain the possibility of us drifting apart after everything we have been through.

 

It's also worth noting that over her three major relationships, she has never been faithful. Her first boyfriend was abusive so I guess that's justified. I talked this issue through with her on Skype a few days ago. She is quite clearly disgraced with her actions and regrets it to the point of hating herself.

 

My point is, I just really want to get over this. She is the most amazing person in my life and she made a stupid, stupid mistake just as our relationship was starting to get serious. I had not been the most attentive boyfriend prior to February 2013, which is how I try to justify it. If you guys can offer any advice or guidance it would be greatly appreciated.

 

Thanks,

 

C

[jen1447]

You can't get over it without some resolution of the issue. That's obvs what's still lacking. Sweeping insecurities under the rug just leaves them to be dealt with another day. It's not a solution.

[Clarence_Boddicker]

Simple. If you want a monogamous relationship, she's not your girl. Cohabitation or marriage isn't going to change her core personality. There's nothing you can do to change that. All you can do is decide if you can handle an unfaithful partner or not.

[dpn4u]

College:

Don't take anyone seriously unless they initiate that conversation, even then be wary. People experiment, party and have fun in college, indeed well into their 20s. That's just the way it is. Keep your expectations low and you'll be happier.

[Satu]

Snip:

 

*we grew so dependent on each other.

 

Your use of the word *dependent* here is significant.

 

What do you mean, when you say, "We grew so dependent on each other?"

[lolablue17]

You have a big problem my friend. I'm looking at the timeline you put here and I can't ignore the HUGE issue:

 

- On March 2014 you had said you loved each other!

- At the end of the March\beginning of April, she was cheating on you on her trip!

 

WHAT??!!!

 

According to my calculations, (Assuming she has planned her trip to Europe few weeks in advance) - While telling you how much she loved you, She was making plans to meet her Ex! And lied to you that she is going with her roommate.

 

Do you realize what's going on? She was planning her cheating on the very unique special exciting days of declaring her love to you. while she should have been woken up with a smile every morning, flowers and music in her heart towards you - She was planning her scam to cheat.

 

I'm sorry - It's not a one time stupid mistake! It's says a lot BIG TIME about her character, who she really is. Stay with her and you'll get many 'stupid one time mistakes' in the future.

Edited August 4, 2015 by lolablue17

[qubist]

cb2435: you have to address this issue if you really want to continue with her, can't expect you would just somehow forget and forgive. you have to talk to her honestly about your feelings do not hide anything. Obviously you love her, but if she really loves you back she would do the necessary to comfort you and help you gain your security back. part of helping she should be willing to be clear now on. you will know whether she cares about you or not

[Vercetti]

Next this girl. I love you with tickets in pocket to screw some other guy. Plus cheated in all her other relationships. Tell me did not fall for the abusive ex crap. If was abusive wonder why, could being gaslighted snapped his bloody mind. Next her and check her social media in a decade to see how many men's kids she spits out.

[drifter777]

You post a tale of a girlfriend who cheated on you, has proven to be a serial cheater, and then tell us you love her and just want to get over it. I don't think a single person here will tell you anything but end the relationship. You aren't married, don't have kids together so what are you doing living with all of this drama? Is it that hard to find a girl to shack up with?

 

You are single - act like it. Enjoy your freedom and date lots of women until you meet the right girl who loves AND respects you.

[Friskyone4u]

Read what Drifter just wrote to you.

Run like the wind and do not look back.

 

If you want to believe you dodged a bullet, just read some of the threads by guys who have wives who are serial cheaters like your girlfriend but who have kids and mortgages.

 

If you think you feel bad now, just think what it would be like if everything was the same and you had two or three little ones running around.

 

You are young and you will do better. Pushe her out of your life. You will survive this.

[ExpatInItaly]

She loves you? I don't think so. She was scheming behind your back. Does that sound loving to you?

 

Sorry, but her actions speak louder than any words. You're not tied to this girl. I'd close the book on this and find someone who loves and respects you enough not to jeopardize everything by having sex with someone else. She just doesn't. It's not your problem to "get over". She destroyed the trust. Without trust, there is no relationship.