My boyfriend is quite possessive and jealous. Is this good or bad?

[PrettyEmily77]

No not at all, our lives are still ours but we chose who we share it with. Or are you saying that when YOU enter into an exclusive relationship that you don't belong to him or her anymore than they belong to you? That you two aren't in and exclusive partnership?

 

I'm in a very healthy, committed, exclusive relationship. I'm stil my own person, though. My BF would probs smile at the idea that either of us belong to each other. We are together by choice - our individual choice.

[jen1447]

Even if you like to use that sort of terminology to be cute or cuddly or to legit emphasize a bond, it's probably not the best choice for a guy with controller issues. High risk of him taking it literally.

[Chi townD]

I'm in a very healthy, committed, exclusive relationship. I'm stil my own person, though. My BF would probs smile at the idea that either of us belong to each other. We are together by choice - our individual choice.

 

 

 

So, if you played professional sports. You don't actually BELONG to a team. Yeah, you might be contracted to play for Manchester United, but you don't actually BELONG to a team. You're an individual that's running a around wearing a red jersey.

 

 

So, you're in a very healthy, committed, exclusive relationship. But you actually don't BELONG to a partnership. I mean, by your logic, you don't actually have a boyfriend. Because he would have to be YOUR boyfriend. And if he is to remain committed to you, then he would have to remain EXCLUSIVELY yours in order to remain YOUR boyfriend.

 

 

I mean, we can play with words all day. But, at the end of the day, you know you took what I said and blew it WAY out of context.

[autumnnight]

I think when people are together they should act in a way that lets the other be themselves but adaptive/modified to the well-fare of the relationship. We all know that if our guy was holding hands with his female friend .. a little to long.. issues arise. THE TEST: put yourself in the other persons shoe ..can you yourself handle it????!!! If you have such a different thresh hold maybe it just highlights how different your values are and that too is a major reason for concern.

 

Give me a break....it's obvious this guy has issues.

[PrettyEmily77]

So, if you played professional sports. You don't actually BELONG to a team. Yeah, you might be contracted to play for Manchester United, but you don't actually BELONG to a team. You're an individual that's running a around wearing a red jersey.

 

 

So, you're in a very healthy, committed, exclusive relationship. But you actually don't BELONG to a partnership. I mean, by your logic, you don't actually have a boyfriend. Because he would have to be YOUR boyfriend. And if he is to remain committed to you, then he would have to remain EXCLUSIVELY yours in order to remain YOUR boyfriend.

 

 

I mean, we can play with words all day. But, at the end of the day, you know you took what I said and blew it WAY out of context.

 

I'm not on LS to argue, you know . I really can't see how I blew anything out of proportions. Just gave my take on it; different to yours but not necessarily wrong. In the context, telling a jealous guy you're his is like playing with fire, IMO and backed by very bad experience.

[Chi townD]

I'm not on LS to argue, you know . I really can't see how I blew anything out of proportions. Just gave my take on it; different to yours but not necessarily wrong. In the context, telling a jealous guy you're his is like playing with fire, IMO and backed by very bad experience.

 

 

Still doesn't change the fact that you took it out way in left field.

[autumnnight]

I'm gonna speak from personal experience here based on someone I dated in college.

 

I was always meticulously faithful and really had no male friends that I spent time with when I dated him. He was just like the guy in this OP. Trust me, the more I stroked his "ownership ego" the more tightly he clung and controlled. Telling a control freak "You control/own me" is like telling an abuser "I like when you hit me."

 

Period.

[Chi townD]

I'm gonna speak from personal experience here based on someone I dated in college.

 

I was always meticulously faithful and really had no male friends that I spent time with when I dated him. He was just like the guy in this OP. Trust me, the more I stroked his "ownership ego" the more tightly he clung and controlled. Telling a control freak "You control/own me" is like telling an abuser "I like when you hit me."

 

Period.

 

Fine, I sorry if I offended anyone. That wasn't my intention. I thought I was just trying to help. But, it's obvious I'm causing more damage than good. I'm out.

[stillafool]

You mean he is not normal? What is bad here?

 

I think the point is do you think it's bad or do you like him being possessive of you? You seem to obviously think it is not a bad thing because you are asking.

[PrettyEmily77]

Still doesn't change the fact that you took it out way in left field.

 

In your opinion... My experience and that of others tend to back what I say.

Edited August 7, 2015 by PrettyEmily77

[jen1447]

Still doesn't change the fact that you took it out way in left field.

 

Chi town, you said "tell the possessive controller guy you belong to him," and Emily said "not a good idea." How's that taking it way out in left field?

[PrettyEmily77]

Chi town, you said "tell the possessive contr:confused:oller guy you belong to him," and Emily said "not a good idea." How's that taking it way out in left field?

 

 

(Apologies for the TJ, OP)

[PaperCrane]

Okay, I can see how telling someone who has controlling issues that you belong to them romantically can be good and bad. It depends on the depth of the controlling behavior and where it stems from.

 

If it stems from slight anxiety due to past girls cheating or stepping out or whatever, it kind of soothes that and can cause the controlling behavior to subside.

 

However, it can also cause the opposite by enabling the behavior. Human interaction is very complicated in this scenario because it involves a lot of aspects of self respect, boundaries and empathy.

 

The OP can soothe his behavior by reassuring him he doesn't need to give fake displays of affection by saying she is with him and is happy. On the same token she should also make aware that she doesn't enjoy 'being owned' because she chose to be with him. If he can't be happy with that knowledge that someone, of their own free will and volition has accepted him as their boyfriend, there isn't much else to say or do.

 

Both people on the current 'argument' have valid point but they veer too far to one side, and mostly because we're working with only information we see rather than full insight into their dynamic and personal lives.

 

To the OP: I would say to play it by ear over a couple weeks. Be a big girl and follow your gut.

[Davey L]

You are not a piece of property. He is not your owner.

[jen1447]

Okay, I can see how telling someone who has controlling issues that you belong to them romantically can be good and bad. It depends on the depth of the controlling behavior and where it stems from.

 

If it stems from slight anxiety due to past girls cheating or stepping out or whatever, it kind of soothes that and can cause the controlling behavior to subside.

 

However, it can also cause the opposite by enabling the behavior. Human interaction is very complicated in this scenario because it involves a lot of aspects of self respect, boundaries and empathy.

 

The OP can soothe his behavior by reassuring him he doesn't need to give fake displays of affection by saying she is with him and is happy. On the same token she should also make aware that she doesn't enjoy 'being owned' because she chose to be with him. If he can't be happy with that knowledge that someone, of their own free will and volition has accepted him as their boyfriend, there isn't much else to say or do.

 

Both people on the current 'argument' have valid point but they veer too far to one side, and mostly because we're working with only information we see rather than full insight into their dynamic and personal lives.

 

To the OP: I would say to play it by ear over a couple weeks. Be a big girl and follow your gut.

 

Well stated, but I think OP's initial description pretty squarely puts the guy in the controller camp. He's the self-described "most jealous guy in the world" after all.

[TaraMaiden2]

Incidentally - where IS the OP...?

[PaperCrane]

Well stated, but I think OP's initial description pretty squarely puts the guy in the controller camp. He's the self-described "most jealous guy in the world" after all.

 

True. I used to be that way. All stemmed from insecurity.

 

No one is perfect though, if the only thing he does is juvenile fake PDA to scratch the itch, it's not that bad. The one thing that stands out is the handholding incident.

 

It really really depends on the circumstances around it. I wouldn't hold a female friends hand on that day. I view handholding as very intimate behavior. I hold hands with someone who holds my heart in them. So if he has similar views, I could kind of understand, but escalating to a fight is blah. Don't get me wrong, there is a time and place for fights. Years ago a man grabbed my then girlfriend by the arm and shook her. I shook the floor with him. Over a small thing though... I dunno. My full jury is still out on this one.

[jen1447]

Fair enough. fwiw, just from my own point of view, I wouldn't tolerate the behavior described in the OP.

[kilgore]

Fair enough. fwiw, just from my own point of view, I wouldn't tolerate the behavior described in the OP.

 

Yeah, that is troubling. Not necessarily dangerous but a huge red flag

[Clockwork]

I am with a new guy now.

He's younger than me. He is 22 and I am 24. He is beautiful in terms of looks. Has the most amazing eyes and is super talented. Most girls wanted to date him nad he is incredibly popular among girls.

 

So I never expected him to be insecure over me but he is quite a jealous type. He told me before we started dating that he is the most jealous guy in the world. After we started dating, he would always kiss me or get cuddly whenever he saw boys around me. He told me he did this intentionally so that the guys would get the message that I am his girlfriend. (He said this "I always kiss you in front of them because I want the guys to know that you are mine").. And he also keeps me away from men in general.

 

Once he even got into a fight with a guy friend of mine because my friend held my hand (it was Friendship Day) which my boyfriend didn't like and he clearly stated that nobody can touch me except him.

 

He doesn't fight with me over his jealousy issues but gets upset or gets all moody and I have to do something special to cheer him up.

 

Is this normal or not?

 

To be honest.........it is normal, because so many people have this exact same condition with their significant other. However, it is not right. You'll get sick of this, it will wear on you. My ex used to get on my case about how much I tipped a waitress. Not kidding, once I tipped a waitress a certain amount (it was $40 on a $34 bill, I just didn't want the change) and my ex spent the rest of the evening berating me because she apparently had nice cleavage and this had to be the reason why I did this.

 

 

You will get sick of this and you will long for a much healthier relationship. Trust means not NEEDING to be watched like a rabid dog. Guys may or may not hit on you, that's life. If you give them no reason to think you are available your man should be flattered, not scared, that men do this.