Author E-Heart Posted August 5, 2015 Author Share Posted August 5, 2015 Need to do some venting this morning.... So we were chatting about the whole "hanging up on me to roll down the window and say hi to your wife incident" last night... And I asked him: If you're planning on leaving her, why not just drive by and wave. Do you care if you make her mad? Is it that bad? He said he cares! I asked if he cared if he made me mad...and he said that he's used to it, and that I'm always upset! LOL!!! Better make sure the W isn't upset because you're probably planning on staying with her! Make me upset instead and then use that an excuse to walk away! He also said that he doesn't make me happy because I'm always upset! Seriously! I'm upset because you're sleeping beside someone else at night....DUH!!!! How is that hard to understand?! Yes, please try to make things better with your wife and see if it works out while I sit at home with all this suspense! YEY!!! And how dare I go on a date with someone while he tries to fix his marriage...that totally means I don't love him, but he still loves me if he's still with his W! Ok....I"m done! Feel better now! lol! Angry stage...can you tell?! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
laurar Posted August 5, 2015 Share Posted August 5, 2015 Spoken just like typical manipulative cheating MM. Sounds like you know your game. Thankfully I've never had to resort to these kinds of games to have a man be my one and only. OP the MM is never going to blame himself. You could wait for him until the cows come home and pigs fly, he will always accuse you of being the one who ruined everything by not waiting just a little longer. Meanwhile he lives his life, taking his vacations, celebrating birthdays with family, enjoying the benefits of married life while you sit in a holding pattern, an endless state of waiting. He's living his life fully and stealing part of your life too. He's selfish and greedy. End it with him now and if he was ever remotely serious about leaving he will find you when he's properly moved out. If ending the affair doesn't make him leave his marriage then he was never going to. Thank you for this. It is what I was intimating earlier. WHY do the OW's on here lap up the advice from some MM who (only) posts in OW section, who is someone who ditched his OW for his Wife and "got away" with it all unscathed (other than his "guilt" he shares with his therapist...cry me a river). 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Minnie09 Posted August 5, 2015 Share Posted August 5, 2015 Lots of good questions. Yes, I am suggesting that if she wants a CHANCE to make it work, she be more communicative...that doesn't mean talk or text more but set expectations and move toward them. Without movement, it's over. As for me and my wife, I chose not to disclose. I decided that once I determined to stay, disclosing the affair seemed selfish and hurtful. That may be wrong but it seemed a selfish dumping of guilt, so I live with the guilt (and share it with my counselor). However, I have communicated clearly what my expectations are for our relationship and try desperately to meet her needs and expectations so that we have a better chance of making it. I arrived at this affair through my own actions and decisions but that does not mean that there were no reasons for it and that some of those reasons related to my relationship with my wife, so that is where I try to be more communicative. And, it's hard. Emotionally, I am rebuilding things...On top of that, my wife and I were not physical whatsoever the entire time I was in the affair. Now, I am working on that and it is tough. Especially since I cannot shake the feeling that I made a mistake...but I can't go back anyway so I am trying to make the best of it for both of us. But as far as the OP, if she wants a CHANCE, just a chance, expectations and actions have to be clear. I don't believe that her expectations are unclear by any means. It's more your a.k.a. the MMS's expectation that is unclear. Which is why he's in charge. Which is why he's the one who has to communicate more clearly. Not the OP aka OW. It is completely unreasonable to expect a grown woman to do all the communicating and convincing, and waiting, while her partner is married to somebody else. All you are saying is basically that you were afraid to make the decision, even though you were / are - quote "so effing in love with her". Instead, you expected her to make the decision, by convincing you that this is what needs to be done. And that she'd be patient and wait until you're comfortable enough to finally do it. I suspect that if your OW had communicated her "expectations" to you more clearly, ie made you feel safe enough, you would still not have left your M. You're just not ready. You would have left and unhappy and sexless marriage, if you had been ready, especially if you are sooooooooo in love with your girlfriend. And I think that nothing the OW would have done would have given you enough courage to make that decision happen. It would've never been enough. This is your life and your family life and it's your decision. Not hers. Your responsibility. Not hers. You can't put that on her. She can't change that. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author E-Heart Posted August 5, 2015 Author Share Posted August 5, 2015 i don't believe that her expectations are unclear by any means. It's more your a.k.a. The mms's expectation that is unclear. Which is why he's in charge. Which is why he's the one who has to communicate more clearly. Not the op aka ow. It is completely unreasonable to expect a grown woman to do all the communicating and convincing, and waiting, while her partner is married to somebody else. All you are saying is basically that you were afraid to make the decision, even though you were / are - quote "so effing in love with her". Instead, you expected her to make the decision, by convincing you that this is what needs to be done. And that she'd be patient and wait until you're comfortable enough to finally do it. I suspect that if your ow had communicated her "expectations" to you more clearly, ie made you feel safe enough, you would still not have left your m. You're just not ready. You would have left and unhappy and sexless marriage, if you had been ready, especially if you are sooooooooo in love with your girlfriend. And i think that nothing the ow would have done would have given you enough courage to make that decision happen. It would've never been enough. This is your life and your family life and it's your decision. Not hers. Your responsibility. Not hers. You can't put that on her. She can't change that. baaaaaammmmmmmm!!! Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted August 5, 2015 Share Posted August 5, 2015 baaaaaammmmmmmm!!! You go girl!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
HappyNow70 Posted August 5, 2015 Share Posted August 5, 2015 Reading your story made my heart jump...so similar to mine. In my scenario it wasn't a trip to Europe, but the holidays....can't leave around Thanksgiving...can't leave at Christmas...can't leave on her birthday (January). Like you I gave an ultimatum (end of January) and thankfully he came through. We are together. Our relationship now has a whole new set of challenges. Trust me even if he leaves his wife you will most likely continue to resent him for putting you through this (yes I know I had a part, not all him). Also, you will always wonder if he could do the same thing to you that he did to his wife. Please think long and hard if this is what you really want. It isn't all roses on the other side even if he does leave her. The guilt of breaking up a family will haunt you as well. Do i regret my decision? NO. BUT...like I said make sure this man really the one you want. If he doesn't leave her by September stick to your guns. I know how you feel. It is NO WAY to live. Link to post Share on other sites
Midwestmissy Posted August 5, 2015 Share Posted August 5, 2015 Well whatever issues he had prior to the affair, he successfully avoided dealing with them by jumping into an emr. So he's conflict avoidant and has crappy coping skills. All this affair has done for him is bring more conflict for him to avoid. It's all pretty childish frankly and I feel bad that op is falling for the same crap that he's telling his wife. He wants the women to make a decision so he doesn't have to, he wants the conflict to be between the two women so it's not his problem. It's just stupid noise distracting from the task at hand, ie, acting like a freaking adult, acting how a true man should behave, not a gimme gimme toddler with no accountability. By pitting them against each other, he can continue with his crap coping. Which he will carry over into whatever relationship he moves onto next. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ifalltopieces Posted August 6, 2015 Share Posted August 6, 2015 Need to do some venting this morning.... So we were chatting about the whole "hanging up on me to roll down the window and say hi to your wife incident" last night... And I asked him: If you're planning on leaving her, why not just drive by and wave. Do you care if you make her mad? Is it that bad? He said he cares! I asked if he cared if he made me mad...and he said that he's used to it, and that I'm always upset! LOL!!! Better make sure the W isn't upset because you're probably planning on staying with her! Make me upset instead and then use that an excuse to walk away! He also said that he doesn't make me happy because I'm always upset! Seriously! I'm upset because you're sleeping beside someone else at night....DUH!!!! How is that hard to understand?! Yes, please try to make things better with your wife and see if it works out while I sit at home with all this suspense! YEY!!! And how dare I go on a date with someone while he tries to fix his marriage...that totally means I don't love him, but he still loves me if he's still with his W! Ok....I"m done! Feel better now! lol! Angry stage...can you tell?! Your MM and my MM must have been cut from the same mold!!! Every negative thing he says or does is MY fault. Any time he has a little ounce of discomfort, it's MY fault. If he is having a bad day, it's MY fault. Maybe if I wasn't always "so negative" he wouldn't be so upset and grumpy. Of course I think about the negative!!!!! Maybe if he followed through like a real man and kept his promises then I could redirect my focus to something positive! How about that? My MM gets furious if I mention going out with friends. He automatically freaks out and thinks I'm going to find someone else. He has even said "maybe you will find another man" no a**hole maybe u will find a REAL MAN!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Hope Shimmers Posted August 6, 2015 Share Posted August 6, 2015 Your MM and my MM must have been cut from the same mold!!! Every negative thing he says or does is MY fault. Any time he has a little ounce of discomfort, it's MY fault. If he is having a bad day, it's MY fault. Maybe if I wasn't always "so negative" he wouldn't be so upset and grumpy. Of course I think about the negative!!!!! Maybe if he followed through like a real man and kept his promises then I could redirect my focus to something positive! How about that? My MM gets furious if I mention going out with friends. He automatically freaks out and thinks I'm going to find someone else. He has even said "maybe you will find another man" no a**hole maybe u will find a REAL MAN!!! Yeah. Been there, done that. For too many years. The answer? Get out of the relationship. It ain't getting better anytime soon. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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