Setting yourself on fire to keep him warm

[foxxface]

I've been in a dedicated relationship with my MM for over 4 years.This is the first time I've ever gone into detail about my relationship,but desperation has brought me to this forum after seeing how many other people know exactly what I'm going through and won't judge me or give me the "that's adultery and you shouldn't be doing it in the first place" speech.

 

It started when I had received an email from the new manager of a haunted house I had worked at the previous year. I agree'd to go there after work and see what progress had been made and if I wanted to work there again.

He walked into the room and I immediately had an attraction to him-from his physical appearance to the way he carried himself. It was after a couple of days that I noticed he was wearing a wedding ring,so I decided not to pursue anything.

Weeks passed by of us spending time together and working,finding that we had an incredible amount of things in common,with what sort of things we liked and our personality types. I finally asked him about his marriage,he said he had only been married for about 4 years and it had turned more or less into them being parents,and not so much a couple.

More time went by and the chemistry between us was undeniable,to the point where we both agree'd that we were spending too much time together and it could lead to a potentially dangerous situation. Even with that,it felt impossible for us to stay away from each other.We had become best friends,and were starting to become sexually attracted to each other as well.

 

Fast forward a few years-

We eventually became a "couple",we were absolutely obsessed with each other. We had discussions about the marriage,and of course he gave me the "I'll get divorced,it's just hard having a child in the mix of everything",which I completely understand.

 

 

It's been 4 years and there has been absolutely no progress.

It's like every day I become more and more miserable and depressed and lonely. We've never gone on a date or taken a trip,he's only spent the night with me a couple of times.We've never had an anniversary or gone to a bar or hung out with friends.I've been his biggest secret for so many years and it feels like I've wasted my "roaring twenties" as a docile mistress that goes through so much misery for a nightly visit.I was diagnosed with clinical depression before we met,but any time I let my guard down and show signs of my depression,especially when it comes to our situation,we end up having huge arguments and I end up being the bad guy. I know his heart is in the right place,he treats me like pure gold and I know I will never meet another person that will understand me or treat me as well as he does.

 

We tried breaking up a few weeks ago,but he couldn't go 24 hours without contacting me and begging me to see him.

I'm back in the same cycle of misery,but I've given him until December to file for a divorce or I'm gone for good.But even with that,I know that nothing is ever going to change,and I'm only lighting myself on fire to keep him warm until then. It's so hard pretending to be happy for him.I've lost any sex drive that I used to have,I don't go out and enjoy myself because it'll just upset him. I work and I come home and sit by myself in my room until he comes to see me late at night after work.I find myself imagining how happy I would be if I had stayed single,or if I was still dating my ex.My mother wouldn't think I've been single all this time,I wouldn't be the constant third wheel,I wouldn't have to lie to people about being "single",I could show off pictures and experiences.I could have been living with my partner by now or even gotten engaged.But instead I'm still sleeping alone every night wondering if he's having sex with his wife that is completely in love with him.Maybe their relationship isn't as bad as he's made it out to be?For all I know,their marriage is perfectly fine from her perspective and I've just been gullible for this many years

 

I don't know what to do anymore. Penting up all of this grief for so long with no one to go to has really taken a toll on me.Maybe some advice or just someone to talk to will help ease the frustration

 

If anyone has taken the time to read through all of this-Thank you

[OldRover]

I've been in a dedicated relationship with my MM for over 4 years.This is the first time I've ever gone into detail about my relationship,but desperation has brought me to this forum after seeing how many other people know exactly what I'm going through and won't judge me or give me the "that's adultery and you shouldn't be doing it in the first place" speech.

 

It started when I had received an email from the new manager of a haunted house I had worked at the previous year. I agree'd to go there after work and see what progress had been made and if I wanted to work there again.

He walked into the room and I immediately had an attraction to him-from his physical appearance to the way he carried himself. It was after a couple of days that I noticed he was wearing a wedding ring,so I decided not to pursue anything.

Weeks passed by of us spending time together and working,finding that we had an incredible amount of things in common,with what sort of things we liked and our personality types. I finally asked him about his marriage,he said he had only been married for about 4 years and it had turned more or less into them being parents,and not so much a couple.

More time went by and the chemistry between us was undeniable,to the point where we both agree'd that we were spending too much time together and it could lead to a potentially dangerous situation. Even with that,it felt impossible for us to stay away from each other.We had become best friends,and were starting to become sexually attracted to each other as well.

 

Fast forward a few years-

We eventually became a "couple",we were absolutely obsessed with each other. We had discussions about the marriage,and of course he gave me the "I'll get divorced,it's just hard having a child in the mix of everything",which I completely understand.

 

 

It's been 4 years and there has been absolutely no progress.

It's like every day I become more and more miserable and depressed and lonely. We've never gone on a date or taken a trip,he's only spent the night with me a couple of times.We've never had an anniversary or gone to a bar or hung out with friends.I've been his biggest secret for so many years and it feels like I've wasted my "roaring twenties" as a docile mistress that goes through so much misery for a nightly visit.I was diagnosed with clinical depression before we met,but any time I let my guard down and show signs of my depression,especially when it comes to our situation,we end up having huge arguments and I end up being the bad guy. I know his heart is in the right place,he treats me like pure gold and I know I will never meet another person that will understand me or treat me as well as he does.

 

We tried breaking up a few weeks ago,but he couldn't go 24 hours without contacting me and begging me to see him.

I'm back in the same cycle of misery,but I've given him until December to file for a divorce or I'm gone for good.But even with that,I know that nothing is ever going to change,and I'm only lighting myself on fire to keep him warm until then. It's so hard pretending to be happy for him.I've lost any sex drive that I used to have,I don't go out and enjoy myself because it'll just upset him. I work and I come home and sit by myself in my room until he comes to see me late at night after work.I find myself imagining how happy I would be if I had stayed single,or if I was still dating my ex.My mother wouldn't think I've been single all this time,I wouldn't be the constant third wheel,I wouldn't have to lie to people about being "single",I could show off pictures and experiences.I could have been living with my partner by now or even gotten engaged.But instead I'm still sleeping alone every night wondering if he's having sex with his wife that is completely in love with him.Maybe their relationship isn't as bad as he's made it out to be?For all I know,their marriage is perfectly fine from her perspective and I've just been gullible for this many years

 

I don't know what to do anymore. Penting up all of this grief for so long with no one to go to has really taken a toll on me.Maybe some advice or just someone to talk to will help ease the frustration

 

If anyone has taken the time to read through all of this-Thank you

 

You'd probably we wise to bring this thing to a conclusion. With no social life other that bedroom visits, that's hardly a nice relationship. Either he needs to conclude his marriage and be with you (and that has it's risks), or you need to bail, get over him and go on with your life.

[amomwhoknows]

It's been 4 years and there has been absolutely no progress.

It's like every day I become more and more miserable and depressed and lonely. We've never gone on a date or taken a trip,he's only spent the night with me a couple of times.We've never had an anniversary or gone to a bar or hung out with friends.I've been his biggest secret for so many years and it feels like I've wasted my "roaring twenties" as a docile mistress that goes through so much misery for a nightly visit.I was diagnosed with clinical depression before we met,but any time I let my guard down and show signs of my depression,especially when it comes to our situation,we end up having huge arguments and I end up being the bad guy. I know his heart is in the right place,he treats me like pure gold and I know I will never meet another person that will understand me or treat me as well as he does.

 

Do you really believe the bolded? Someone who treats you well would treat you like this? What would you tell a girlfriend or sister in this situation?

 

Are you employed and do you have benefits? Get counseling. Get it now. You are being used. You deserve better.

[Ifalltopieces]

Your story is mine, only I'm 2 years in. Everything you feel, I feel too.

 

I often wonder how I ever wound up here? I think about all of the things I have missed out on and destroyed because of my relationship with MM.

 

As sick and twisted as it is, I still find myself hanging on to all of his empty promises. I guess it's because I want so bad to believe that someone I truly love, couldn't hurt me and deceive me like that. The truth is, he does love me but not in the way I deserve or need. It's a selfish love that he reaps all of the benefit from.i have shut out my friends and family and I have revolved my entire life around MM and what he needs and wants. I have lost my identity. I don't know who I am or what I want anymore.

 

He gets to carry on in the same way he always has. When I push the issue about leaving, he gets mad and defensive and I walk away feeling like a demanding, overbearing witch. Most days I feel like I can't win.

 

I know how you feel and the agony you go through. I wish I had some words of wisdom but I'm in the same sinking ship as you. All I can say is this forum has helped me start to see things differently. I know I need to end my A and reclaim my life. I know one day I will find the strength. I hope you do too.

[foxxface]

Do you really believe the bolded? Someone who treats you well would treat you like this? What would you tell a girlfriend or sister in this situation?

 

Are you employed and do you have benefits? Get counseling. Get it now. You are being used. You deserve better.

 

Any other relationship I've been in is riddled with emotional or physical abuse,one ending in a restraining order.The others ended with me being left like an empty shell with no confidence or happiness. He's the only person that has ever made me feel like I'm more than just a doormat. He pushed me to open my small jewelry shop on etsy and pursue my hobby,to start taking care of myself when it comes to my health,etc etc.He makes me feel like I'm on top of the world,but our situation drags me back down to rock bottom

 

I am just a waitress at a greek tavern,I can't even afford to see someone about getting medication for my depression,let alone seeing a counselor.

[foxxface]

Your story is mine, only I'm 2 years in. Everything you feel, I feel too.

 

I often wonder how I ever wound up here? I think about all of the things I have missed out on and destroyed because of my relationship with MM.

 

As sick and twisted as it is, I still find myself hanging on to all of his empty promises. I guess it's because I want so bad to believe that someone I truly love, couldn't hurt me and deceive me like that. The truth is, he does love me but not in the way I deserve or need. It's a selfish love that he reaps all of the benefit from.i have shut out my friends and family and I have revolved my entire life around MM and what he needs and wants. I have lost my identity. I don't know who I am or what I want anymore.

 

He gets to carry on in the same way he always has. When I push the issue about leaving, he gets mad and defensive and I walk away feeling like a demanding, overbearing witch. Most days I feel like I can't win.

 

I know how you feel and the agony you go through. I wish I had some words of wisdom but I'm in the same sinking ship as you. All I can say is this forum has helped me start to see things differently. I know I need to end my A and reclaim my life. I know one day I will find the strength. I hope you do too.

 

 

It helps to hear of other people that can relate so closely to my situation,that I'm not a complete psychopath for staying with MM and trying to make myself believe everything he's promised. I gave him till December last January and there's still no progress,but I feel like I'm forcing myself to have faith in the lies he's told me. It's so hard because you think "what if he does go through with it? What if I leave too soon and miss the chance that I've waited so long for?or what if I wait around even longer,but he's never had the intentions of actually getting a divorce,no matter how much he wants to"

[lookingforclosure]

It helps to hear of other people that can relate so closely to my situation,that I'm not a complete psychopath for staying with MM and trying to make myself believe everything he's promised. I gave him till December last January and there's still no progress,but I feel like I'm forcing myself to have faith in the lies he's told me. It's so hard because you think "what if he does go through with it? What if I leave too soon and miss the chance that I've waited so long for?or what if I wait around even longer,but he's never had the intentions of actually getting a divorce,no matter how much he wants to"

 

I had given myself a time frame as well that I broke...a year ago that is

 

I am now at the point I MUST walk away, no choice...it's killing me slowly mentally and physically...you can read my thread "hard pill to swallow" for a bit of background.

 

I don't know what the future holds for me...but this is too much hurt to continue to bare for now

[Ifalltopieces]

It helps to hear of other people that can relate so closely to my situation,that I'm not a complete psychopath for staying with MM and trying to make myself believe everything he's promised. I gave him till December last January and there's still no progress,but I feel like I'm forcing myself to have faith in the lies he's told me. It's so hard because you think "what if he does go through with it? What if I leave too soon and miss the chance that I've waited so long for?or what if I wait around even longer,but he's never had the intentions of actually getting a divorce,no matter how much he wants to"

 

 

 

We can both play the "what if" game all day long. But the truth of the matter is, we enable these men to NOT leave. The ultimatums that we don't stick too, the times we intitiate NC and let them crawl right back. They know what to expect from us. They know that we are weak. They also know that we think so low of ourselves, we allow them to treat us like toilet paper.

 

One of the things that really used to eat me up was when I would think about how I was losing to his wife. It really took a terrible toll on my self esteem. The truth is, Is she REALLY winning? He is a liar, cheat, manipulator and he is one of the most selfish and conuving cowards I have ever met in my life. Maybe I am the winner. Maybe I am the one that will dodge the bullet on this one. It's not about winning or losing anymore. I've already lost enough of myself. It's about reclaiming what is mine and by that I mean my life, my dignity and my self respect.

 

These are not the kind of men that can give us our "happily ever after a" these men ( and I use that term loosely) are nothing but TOXIC!!! They prey on women who are vulnerable, broke and lonely. They are animals. The truth hurts but I would rather be hurt with the cold hard truth than a brutal, deceitful lie.

 

 

The first step in ending it, is seeing it for what it really is. I think you starting to see that things are not what you may want them to appear. I believe this, or else you wouldn't be here.

[laurar]

You've given him a chunk of your young single years to no avail. In return he makes you feel alone and unworthy. I know how hard it is to pull the plug on something you've invested so much of yourself. I think you know it's time. Cut him off, cold turkey. Wait out the pain, grieve. Find someone single who is proud to be out and about with you...not keeping you in the shadows of his marriage.

[Ifalltopieces]

Any other relationship I've been in is riddled with emotional or physical abuse,one ending in a restraining order.The others ended with me being left like an empty shell with no confidence or happiness. He's the only person that has ever made me feel like I'm more than just a doormat. He pushed me to open my small jewelry shop on etsy and pursue my hobby,to start taking care of myself when it comes to my health,etc etc.He makes me feel like I'm on top of the world,but our situation drags me back down to rock bottom

 

I am just a waitress at a greek tavern,I can't even afford to see someone about getting medication for my depression,let alone seeing a counselor.

 

You are not "just a waitress". You are a human being. You are a person who deserves to be treated with love and respect. You say he is the one who pushed you to do things. He may have been the one to suggest that you do things, but at the end of the day, YOU took the steps to do those things! YOU! Don't give him credit for that.

[Michelle ma Belle]

Any other relationship I've been in is riddled with emotional or physical abuse,one ending in a restraining order.The others ended with me being left like an empty shell with no confidence or happiness. He's the only person that has ever made me feel like I'm more than just a doormat. He pushed me to open my small jewelry shop on etsy and pursue my hobby,to start taking care of myself when it comes to my health,etc etc.He makes me feel like I'm on top of the world,but our situation drags me back down to rock bottom

 

I am just a waitress at a greek tavern,I can't even afford to see someone about getting medication for my depression,let alone seeing a counselor.

 

This says it all and perfectly explains why you're willing to settle for breadcrumbs instead of the whole damn cake.

 

Just because this doesn't feel like "abuse" in the traditional sense or what you've experienced by other men, trust me when I tell you that you are being used and abused just the same if not more so because he's managed to put your head on backwards. Idolizing him and putting him on a pedal stool does not help matters.

 

This is a very slow burn but a burn nonetheless.

 

You have no idea what a happy and healthy relationship looks like let alone be in one. That's not entirely your fault but you still need to take some responsibility for the poor choices you've made and will continue to make until you expect more for yourself and demand it from others.

 

Continue reading through the threads and continue to seek advice from us BUT be warned; you may not like what you'll hear. Just because you don't like it doesn't mean it's wrong. Brutal honesty is what you're going to get. I know it seems a bit odd to say that a bunch of nameless/faceless strangers on a public forum care about you but it's true.

 

Good luck.

Edited August 4, 2015 by Michelle ma Belle

[FusionCutter]

If you heard your own story from your best friend, what would you tell them?

[Gloria_Smellons]

I finally asked him about his marriage,he said he had only been married for about 4 years and it had turned more or less into them being parents,and not so much a couple.

 

This is pretty much lie number one in the cheaters handbook I'm afraid. Even if it is true, whatever is happening in his relationship is at least 50% his doing as well. He's not some innocent victim of circumstance.

 

 

We eventually became a "couple",we were absolutely obsessed with each other.

 

No hun. You were never a couple. You were his little secret and you still are. Don't you want more for yourself?

 

I know his heart is in the right place,he treats me like pure gold and I know I will never meet another person that will understand me or treat me as well as he does.

 

False. He's a lying cheat, that's where his heart is. Certainly not in the right place. How can you say he treats you like pure gold where in the same paragraph you acknowledge that you are miserable. You have never done a single 'normal' couple thing together, ever. You can't talk about your own issues without it turning into a fight and being made to feel bad. He treats you like ****. Look at what you've written.

 

As for that crap about never meeting anyone else, that's a croc of ****. I think most people have felt like that in our lives, but there are literally billions of people out there. You could go out for dinner with a different guy every single night for the rest of your life and still not even make a dent in the list. You have so many options but you are blind to them because of this situation you are in.

 

I'm back in the same cycle of misery,but I've given him until December to file for a divorce or I'm gone for good.But even with that,I know that nothing is ever going to change.

 

Then stop the cycle. You have choices. You could start living your life today, why wait?

 

It's so hard pretending to be happy for him.

Then don't FFS! In proper relationships you get to share your actual feelings, and not only will the other person not make you feel bad for them, they will support you and try to help. You could have that type of relationship, but not with this idiot.

 

I don't go out and enjoy myself because it'll just upset him.

Tough! The fact that he's married upsets you,and what does he do about it? Nothing! Life is for living and experiencing things, and you are missing out for no reason at all. You will never get this time back. Are you going to look back on your life and think this was time well spent? Or are you going to look back and wonder about all the amazing opportunities you will have let pass you by?

 

Maybe their relationship isn't as bad as he's made it out to be?

Of course it isn't. Line number two from the *******s handbook. Something keeps him in that marriage, be it his kid or other factors or a combination of things. He has had plenty of time to start breaking away if that is truly what he wanted to do. He doesn't. He likes things just as they are. What cake eater wouldn't?

 

I don't know what to do anymore.

 

This situation will not change unless you change it. Youve been here FOUR YEARS. How much more time are you going to waste? You will never feel better in this situation because it's a totally crap situation to be in. So get out and start feeling better!

 

So sorry you've found yourself here fox, but you need to start looking at this relationship (and I use that term loosely) for what it is and not what you wish it was, or what it 'could be'.

Edited August 4, 2015 by Gloria_Smellons

[still_an_Angel]

 

It's been 4 years and there has been absolutely no progress.

It's like every day I become more and more miserable and depressed and lonely. We've never gone on a date or taken a trip,he's only spent the night with me a couple of times.We've never had an anniversary or gone to a bar or hung out with friends.I've been his biggest secret for so many years and it feels like I've wasted my "roaring twenties" as a docile mistress that goes through so much misery for a nightly visit.

 

 

I don't know what to do anymore. Penting up all of this grief for so long with no one to go to has really taken a toll on me.Maybe some advice or just someone to talk to will help ease the frustration

 

 

 

This relationship is no longer making you happy. You have conditioned yourself to accept it and have ingrained in your head that HIS HAPPINESS comes first. He has signed up to keep somebody happy, and that's his wife, not you. Whereas you have not taken any vows to keep HIM happy. You need to take control of your life and put yourself first, he's certainly not doing that so why should you prioritize his?

 

 

You know what you need to do here, or you wouldn't be posting. Stop going with the flow, make things happen for you! Take the bitter pill, stick to your ultimatum, actually put the date forward and start living for you, whether he's on board is not doesn't matter, if you are happy with yourself, then you have happiness to share with another. This is why you feel such a burden on yourself, you cannot give happiness if you have none in you.

 

 

Never put your happiness on another person, not only is that unfair but it doesn't make sense, you are responsible for your own, not other people.

 

 

Remember, this is your life so you navigate your way to happiness.

[sandylee1]

 

I've been in a dedicated relationship with my MM for over 4 years.

 

 

It started when I had received an email from the new manager of a or less into them being parents,and not so much a couple.

More time went by and the chemistry between us was undeniable,to the point where we both agree'd that we were spending too much time together and it could lead to a potentially dangerous situation. Even with that,it felt impossible for us to stay away from each other.We had become best friends,and were starting to become sexually attracted to each other as well.

 

We had discussions about the marriage,and of course he gave me the "I'll get divorced,it's just hard having a child in the mix of everything",which I completely understand.

 

 

It's been 4 years and there has been absolutely no progress.

 

It's like every day I become more and more miserable and

depressed and lonely.

 

We've never gone on a date.

 

We've never had an anniversary or gone to a bar or hung out with friends.

 

I've been his biggest secret for so many years and it feels like I've wasted my "roaring twenties" as a docile mistress

 

 

,he treats me like pure gold and I know I will never meet another person that will understand me or treat me as well as he

 

I've given him until December to file for a divorce or I'm gone for

 

I don't go out and enjoy myself because it'll just upset him.

 

My mother wouldn't think I've been single all this time

 

His wife that is completely in love with him.

 

Maybe their relationship isn't as bad as he's made it out to be?For all I know,their marriage is perfectly fine from her perspective and

 

I've just been gullible for this many years

 

I don't know what to do anymore. Penting up all of this grief for so long with no one to go to has really taken a toll on me.Maybe some advice or just someone to talk to will help ease the frustration

 

If anyone has taken the time to read through all of this-Thank you

 

 

A few of the things you said stand out to me.

 

How does he treat you like gold when you've been hidden for 4 years ?

 

He doesn't like seeing any sign of your depression? Do you really think he'll leave his wife for you if he doesn't have the patience and understanding of this? To be with you full time.

 

I think you are wasting your best years on a MM who presumably enjoys a social life with his wife and family , but you don't go out because he'll get upset. You need to change this. Tell him you'll be going out with friends and on dates. If he doesn't want this he can file for divorce but until then you are a free agent.

 

This being invisible isn't working for you. Your missing out on life big time and no matter what great things come to you later in life, you CAN NEVER get that time back. Think about that seriously.

 

December will come and with Christmas and a new year, there'll be an excuse. It will be her birthday, son's birthday , a wedding, a funeral...you get the picture. Don't let him back into your life with the excuse of missing you. Take a break , go away for the weekend and switch your phone off. Tell him you'll be busy with friends. Just start living your life.

 

Say it and mean it. Get out and meet others because this situation will definetly make you more depressed. Why let a man do that to you. Start telling yourself you deserve better and you will get better.

 

 

You may or may not want kids. So lets say he leaves his wife for you..you start a family....what are YOU going to do to stop him cheating? How will you be so much better for him than his wife that you won't be her down the line? He loved her enough to marry her. With all the commitment phobic men out there, he took the plunge.

Dig deep and establish how you'll keep the flame burning forever and then think about the fact that you will be the one under all that pressure , because you know he has an easy option if it ain't steaming with passion all the time. It takes two to make a marriage or any relationship work.

 

Can you trust a man that's kept this secret for 4 years?

 

He gets a wife , home and family, with you on the side so why would he ever end it..it's great for him. His wife has no idea and you who should be having fun is the only person not enjoying

 

Has he ever given you any indication he'll leave?

[Artie Lang]

It's been 4 years and there has been absolutely no progress.

 

are you ready to throw away another 4 years?

[Missinghim17]

Your story is mine, only I'm 2 years in. Everything you feel, I feel too.

 

I often wonder how I ever wound up here? I think about all of the things I have missed out on and destroyed because of my relationship with MM.

 

As sick and twisted as it is, I still find myself hanging on to all of his empty promises. I guess it's because I want so bad to believe that someone I truly love, couldn't hurt me and deceive me like that. The truth is, he does love me but not in the way I deserve or need. It's a selfish love that he reaps all of the benefit from.i have shut out my friends and family and I have revolved my entire life around MM and what he needs and wants. I have lost my identity. I don't know who I am or what I want anymore.

 

He gets to carry on in the same way he always has. When I push the issue about leaving, he gets mad and defensive and I walk away feeling like a demanding, overbearing witch. Most days I feel like I can't win.

 

I know how you feel and the agony you go through. I wish I had some words of wisdom but I'm in the same sinking ship as you. All I can say is this forum has helped me start to see things differently. I know I need to end my A and reclaim my life. I know one day I will find the strength. I hope you do too.

 

I can relate. I too, revolve my entire life around my MM. Its gotten to the point where he knows no matter what he does, I won't leave. Sad that I've broken hearts of many good men because I am too wrapped in the one that I know i'll never have.

[Friskyone4u]

Not much anyone can write when reading this stuff except hopefully you will find your self worth and find the courage to stop being used like a toy.

 

It just never ceases to amaze me how so many intellegent women can spend so much time living the lonely life you describe for years and years. Cheating with someone elses husband is one issue, but not the main one.

 

After a certain amount of time, when does YOR life have meaning to be happy and not be sitting around for some illicit sex when he can fit you in.

 

You are worth more than that kind of life.

[privategal]

You seem unhappy with your job.

What if you put every waking moment into your life and finding a new start, a new venture.

What if you spent all the energy and thought you spend on him into your life?

What if you found a cheap apartment in a new city and worked at a jewelry store, or even kept waitressing or both?

You dont have to stay stuck nor stay with him to be whole.

You can start changing things for you now.

[the_artist_1970]

Not much anyone can write when reading this stuff except hopefully you will find your self worth and find the courage to stop being used like a toy.

 

It just never ceases to amaze me how so many intellegent women can spend so much time living the lonely life you describe for years and years. Cheating with someone elses husband is one issue, but not the main one.

 

After a certain amount of time, when does YOR life have meaning to be happy and not be sitting around for some illicit sex when he can fit you in.

 

You are worth more than that kind of life.

 

I will never understand for the life of me how a woman can stay hidden in the background and not want an open, honest relationship with a man. I am certain that if you are already prone to depression, staying stuck in a deceitful relationship will cause even more depression. And to think that you are enabling a MM to cheat on his W. That must make you feel even worse unless you don't have a conscious.

[anika99]

Fox face it's sad that you think this man treats you like gold when he is really just mentally abusing you with lies and manipulations. He is robbing you of your life while he is happily enjoying a full life of his own. He has a marriage, a spouse, a child, a family, a home, friends, etc and yet he doesn't think you deserve to have any of those things. In your OP you said you can't even go out and have fun because even that upsets him. So while he's enjoying his rich full life of family and marriage he thinks all you deserve is to sit all alone every night waiting for him. He is disgusting and selfish beyond belief. No surprise that he felt entitled to cheat on his wife as soon as she had a kid and couldn't spend every moment at his beck and call anymore.

[waterwoman]

I think you have another abusive partner in this man

[Mount]

That does not make any sense, We've never gone on a date or taken a trip and he treats me like pure gold is totally conflicting each other, unless he showered you every day/week million dollars of gift over the 4 years, otherwise I am not convinced he had been treating you a tiny bit goodness.

 

Over the years he has taken or been getting sex (i am sure), emotional support from you without interfering his normal marriage life, tell us or explain to us, WHAT did you get from him? Don't tell us it is "L~~~Love"....and obviously it (the love thing from a MM) is too lame.

 

 

I've been in a dedicated relationship with my MM for over 4 years.This is the first time I've ever gone into detail about my relationship,but desperation has brought me to this forum after seeing how many other people know exactly what I'm going through and won't judge me or give me the "that's adultery and you shouldn't be doing it in the first place" speech.

 

It started when I had received an email from the new manager of a haunted house I had worked at the previous year. I agree'd to go there after work and see what progress had been made and if I wanted to work there again.

He walked into the room and I immediately had an attraction to him-from his physical appearance to the way he carried himself. It was after a couple of days that I noticed he was wearing a wedding ring,so I decided not to pursue anything.

Weeks passed by of us spending time together and working,finding that we had an incredible amount of things in common,with what sort of things we liked and our personality types. I finally asked him about his marriage,he said he had only been married for about 4 years and it had turned more or less into them being parents,and not so much a couple.

More time went by and the chemistry between us was undeniable,to the point where we both agree'd that we were spending too much time together and it could lead to a potentially dangerous situation. Even with that,it felt impossible for us to stay away from each other.We had become best friends,and were starting to become sexually attracted to each other as well.

 

Fast forward a few years-

We eventually became a "couple",we were absolutely obsessed with each other. We had discussions about the marriage,and of course he gave me the "I'll get divorced,it's just hard having a child in the mix of everything",which I completely understand.

 

 

It's been 4 years and there has been absolutely no progress.

It's like every day I become more and more miserable and depressed and lonely. We've never gone on a date or taken a trip,he's only spent the night with me a couple of times.We've never had an anniversary or gone to a bar or hung out with friends.I've been his biggest secret for so many years and it feels like I've wasted my "roaring twenties" as a docile mistress that goes through so much misery for a nightly visit.I was diagnosed with clinical depression before we met,but any time I let my guard down and show signs of my depression,especially when it comes to our situation,we end up having huge arguments and I end up being the bad guy. I know his heart is in the right place,he treats me like pure gold and I know I will never meet another person that will understand me or treat me as well as he does.

[bathtub-row]

You may not like this but I'll say to you what my xMM said to me years ago: you're with him because he's safe.

 

I didn't understand that comment for a long time but I believe he was dead right. Being with an unavailable person is just a way to have a relationship without any strings attached. Most of the time, we see it as us having no choices when the exact opposite is true.

 

Just my thoughts.

[Giggle]

^^ that thought has crossed my mind a few times.