Setting yourself on fire to keep him warm

[kieraglass]

Fox,

I could have written your post almost word for word. Three years here, and i can tell you with definitive proof, they don't leave. I even gave birth to my mm's baby. He died prematurely. MM is still with wife a year later. When I was pregnant last summer, he was preparing to leave for us.

 

Right.

 

I love him with all my heart. I've tried to start ventures with other men in the past year since baby died and I realized, he isn't ever going to leave.

 

Not for me.

 

Cake men. All of them.

 

I've had the worst possible end of the spectrum as the OW, getting pregnant, losing my life and marriage. ...still, he stays.

 

When you read the statistics about only like five percent- or is it fifteen?-of affairs ending up in a relationship, believe them.

 

These things are hell.

 

You remind me so much of myself, your words.

 

I wish I could give you a hug.

[Oneforme33]

Maybe he does care..but the hard truth is that if he loved you more, nothing would stop him from choosing you. He'd get the divorce regardless of children. It's hard, but we care and are being honest with you. I hate to see other women go through what I have. I find strength in being the one who maintains my dignity by choosing to walk away, without explanation. You owe him nothing. When your anger, hurt & frustration is channeled into your own self worth you will do what's best for you & that is to leave. Picture yourself telling him that you are and always were worth more.

[xxoo]

Love yourself. Don't settle for a man who won't put your first.

 

What would it look like to put yourself first? What do you want from life? What are the steps to creating they future?

[beach]

It helps to hear of other people that can relate so closely to my situation,that I'm not a complete psychopath for staying with MM and trying to make myself believe everything he's promised. I gave him till December last January and there's still no progress,but I feel like I'm forcing myself to have faith in the lies he's told me. It's so hard because you think "what if he does go through with it? What if I leave too soon and miss the chance that I've waited so long for?or what if I wait around even longer,but he's never had the intentions of actually getting a divorce,no matter how much he wants to"

 

But it's been 4 years of you waiting and him having double servings...

 

Why would he leave? Odds are he won't leave.

 

If you want a future with a full time love - you may want to admit it's not with him.

 

When you want a new outcome - it's up to you to change things. Start putting your priorities FIRST. YOU are your priority.

 

I hope you will change things so you have a chance to meet a man that makes you his top priority.

 

When he calls do not answer. Just cut him out of your life knowing he's not your long term guy.

 

And start dating available men - you're bound to meet someone who treats you right!

[foxxface]

It's been a few days since I had any sort of response to anyone.

But I want all of you to know I realized that every single word said to me was exactly what I wanted to hear,I just didn't know it yet. Every comment has been burning in the front of my thoughts ever since,and I couldn't stop thinking of how right everyone was,and that you're all saying these things because it's genuine advice,not ignorant,biased slandering.

 

We had an argument tonight,and I just couldn't bring myself to pretend anymore. Putting on a big show so that I didn't hurt his feelings.I tried telling him what he wanted to hear like I always do,but every part of me was just screaming to end it once and for all.

After accusations and finger pointing and long periods of silence,he asked me if I genuinely saw any hope for our future I don't him no.For once I told him what every part of my instincts was telling me.He asked me over and over if I was sure,and I stuck with it.It's one of the hardest things I've ever had to do,keeping myself together has made me realize how much stronger I can be that I always thought.

 

Tonight wasn't full of pleading and sobbing and being torn between guilt and bitterness like last time. I knew exactly what I needed to do and I did it.I need to move on and work on myself,I need to figure out ways to make myself happy and beat my depression by myself and not depending on a partners happiness for validation of self worth.

 

I'm currently in the darkest places I've been in my life,but I know I've been in far darker places than this. There will always be a certain place in my heart just for him,that will never go away.But the feeling of relief and control over my future is so much brighter than any tunnel.

 

 

I want to sincerely thank you all for helping me when I was between a rock and a hard place,you are all genuinely good people and I am so thankful to have stumbled upon this forum. I'll be sticking around for a while,this is exactly the sort of support system I need

 

 

Thank you <3

[Michelle ma Belle]

It's moments like this that make being here meaningful

 

I'm so happy to witness you take control of your life and ultimately your happiness. You are worthy of great love and deserve so much more happiness than you've been allowing yourself to receive.

 

Wishing you the very best from here on out.

[Poppy47]

I was going to say what so many have said to you before..... if he treated you nicely, it was because he wanted something from you and it wasn't your hand in marriage.

 

I was in an A 7 years. I am old enough to be your grandmother but I wasted valuable time . I would hate to see you waste all your young years.

 

You are not "just" a waitress. You are a human being with the same right to respect as anybody else.

 

He wants you for a steady supply of sex. Please don't get back into the Affair.

 

Poppy.

[Dutchman1]

Dear Ifalltopieces,

 

I'm a 50 year old man, and Wil not tell you what to do, II did a little story this morning about Holliday.

Imagine just you are the mrs instead of me.

You could have and experience life as I do.

You are the only one who can make it happen.

Choose yourself, refuse to be anybody's booty call.

 

We will pray for you, huggs

 

Mrs and Dutchman 1

[Cloudcuckoo]

It's been a few days since I had any sort of response to anyone.

But I want all of you to know I realized that every single word said to me was exactly what I wanted to hear,I just didn't know it yet. Every comment has been burning in the front of my thoughts ever since,and I couldn't stop thinking of how right everyone was,and that you're all saying these things because it's genuine advice,not ignorant,biased slandering.

 

We had an argument tonight,and I just couldn't bring myself to pretend anymore. Putting on a big show so that I didn't hurt his feelings.I tried telling him what he wanted to hear like I always do,but every part of me was just screaming to end it once and for all.

After accusations and finger pointing and long periods of silence,he asked me if I genuinely saw any hope for our future I don't him no.For once I told him what every part of my instincts was telling me.He asked me over and over if I was sure,and I stuck with it.It's one of the hardest things I've ever had to do,keeping myself together has made me realize how much stronger I can be that I always thought.

 

Tonight wasn't full of pleading and sobbing and being torn between guilt and bitterness like last time. I knew exactly what I needed to do and I did it.I need to move on and work on myself,I need to figure out ways to make myself happy and beat my depression by myself and not depending on a partners happiness for validation of self worth.

 

I'm currently in the darkest places I've been in my life,but I know I've been in far darker places than this. There will always be a certain place in my heart just for him,that will never go away.But the feeling of relief and control over my future is so much brighter than any tunnel.

 

 

I want to sincerely thank you all for helping me when I was between a rock and a hard place,you are all genuinely good people and I am so thankful to have stumbled upon this forum. I'll be sticking around for a while,this is exactly the sort of support system I need

 

 

Thank you <3

 

That was an enormous step toward regaining your dignity and self respect and proof that you are stronger then you think.

 

There will come a time when you will wonder what on earth you ever saw in a human being capable of such incredible deceit and selfishness. Someone incapable of understanding what truly loving behaviour is.

 

This man showed both you and his wife contempt and disrespected two women for his own gain. That place in your heart where you believe he will remain? One day that will turn black due to the rot he set in.

 

I wish you strength and happiness as you work toward a brighter future in the daylight of your self discovery. Good luck to you.

 

Cuckoo x

[OldRover]

That was an enormous step toward regaining your dignity and self respect and proof that you are stronger then you think.

 

There will come a time when you will wonder what on earth you ever saw in a human being capable of such incredible deceit and selfishness. Someone incapable of understanding what truly loving behaviour is.

 

This man showed both you and his wife contempt and disrespected two women for his own gain. That place in your heart where you believe he will remain? One day that will turn black due to the rot he set in.

 

I wish you strength and happiness as you work toward a brighter future in the daylight of your self discovery. Good luck to you.

 

Cuckoo x

 

Cuckoo,

 

How do we know that the MM is capable of "such incredible deceit and se

lfishness". We've not heard from the MM, and from what Fox says, he treats her wonderful and it's great.

 

I have a problem when the MM always seems to come out as the bad guy, cheat, coward, liar, etc….. which may not be the case. There's many many OW that have got involved with a MM and can't be so dumb that they don't understand the goods and bars of doing so, especially when the relationship goes on for years… (4 in the case of Fox). I believe she had a really good idea of what it was like and now it's taken 4 years to get to the point where she wants better for herself.

 

Now, I don't blame her any more than I blame him. In fact there's no point in placing blame. If the MM had promised divorce, then it's up to him to get the job done…. and sometimes it just doesn't happen. However, divorce just doesn't happen overnight. People change their minds, both sides, as situations change.

 

Mine divorce took about three years from the beginning, but most was for planning and getting things in order. After things had started, my OW came into the situation as an ER, and started out as we gave each other support for out situations (she had just ended one). Eventually she made some aggressive moves for me and I followed and developed into a strong relationship. It still took a long time to get the paperwork done.

 

I wish Fox the best for her situation, and hope that she finds a solution, and it will be challenging regardless of what path she takes.

 

It's up to Fox to decide if it's worth waiting to "see what happens".

[beach]

The push - pull is designed so that you stay in your quiet little place of being invisible to his wife.

 

You see, he has this place for his wife and family... That's active and his main focus = his priority relationship.

 

He needs you to stay in your place. Like an old toy on the shelf... When he has time he goes to the shelf and takes out his old toy. Because that you doesn't always get play time - the toy is usually glad to be played with. It's his call when the toy comes off the shelf.

 

If he plays with you too much - his wife might find out he's playing with a different toy.

 

 

Now the toy gets mad because it isn't played with like the first week or so - so when he takes it down and it's not all happy to see him - he has to create some drama for the toy to be happy to play again.

 

The toy knows it's being neglected - but he needs the toy to be happy when he decides to play.

 

So now - the toy is considering never playing anymore... And he's trying to figure out how to get his toy to continue participating in his neglectful game.

 

 

It's mean of him and very greedy. He knows you don't need him as much as he needs you. But he will find a way to keep you playing.

 

The bigger question is why would you waste time playing with someone who mostly neglects you when someone new could play with you full time/all the time?

 

And when you neglect HIM long enough - he will find a replacement for you. Why not allow him that room to find your replacement so he can ignore someone else?

[foxxface]

Cuckoo,

 

How do we know that the MM is capable of "such incredible deceit and se

lfishness". We've not heard from the MM, and from what Fox says, he treats her wonderful and it's great.

 

I have a problem when the MM always seems to come out as the bad guy, cheat, coward, liar, etc….. which may not be the case. There's many many OW that have got involved with a MM and can't be so dumb that they don't understand the goods and bars of doing so, especially when the relationship goes on for years… (4 in the case of Fox). I believe she had a really good idea of what it was like and now it's taken 4 years to get to the point where she wants better for herself.

 

Now, I don't blame her any more than I blame him. In fact there's no point in placing blame. If the MM had promised divorce, then it's up to him to get the job done…. and sometimes it just doesn't happen. However, divorce just doesn't happen overnight. People change their minds, both sides, as situations change.

 

Mine divorce took about three years from the beginning, but most was for planning and getting things in order. After things had started, my OW came into the situation as an ER, and started out as we gave each other support for out situations (she had just ended one). Eventually she made some aggressive moves for me and I followed and developed into a strong relationship. It still took a long time to get the paperwork done.

 

I wish Fox the best for her situation, and hope that she finds a solution, and it will be challenging regardless of what path she takes.

 

It's up to Fox to decide if it's worth waiting to "see what happens".

 

 

The thing about my MM was that he understood how selfish our situation was and how unfair it was to me,and I understood that getting a divorce was no easy task.He truly did treat me like gold,his whole world revolved around me from the moment he woke up to when he went to sleep.

I completely understand others feelings about it,MM is just a masked man that has had the best of both worlds for 4 years with no sign of change,so of course he's going to be the big scary mean man.

Things like him reminding me to take my medicine,giving me back and joint rubs every night because he knew how hard it is to work with arthritis,he'd skip work to bring me food and check up on me if I was sick.He doesn't have a lot of money,but he'd still try to go buy food and make me a good meal instead of my single serve dinners.Flooding me with compliments the moment I woke up,and genuinely meaning it.We'd go long periods of time without sex and he'd never make a big deal of it because he knows my depression can take a toll on my sex drive.

It's just things like that that made the entire relationship worth it,but after so many years of being told something will happen and it doesn't,even all that starts to not matter.

I had given him an entire years notice to get something going.I didn't expect him to full on get a divorce and move in and all that,but even separation or talking with her about getting the process going would have made me happy.I used to ask him how many more years he expected me to stay a secret before he decided to change anything,and he could never give me a straight answer.Or he'd tell me he hadn't done anything yet because he was scared that he'd be throwing his family away for someone that would eventually lose interest in him

 

 

But all of this aside,I think the best thing for me to do is let go of the possibility of us ever actually being something and work on making myself happy. Maybe eventually find someone I can have a healthy relationship with like everyone else

[SoleMate]

Foxx, you've given more detail and of course, I do see how all the little attentions he gave you were most welcome and felt great. The r/s wasn't 100% pointless....you were getting a few needs met. Just not your major needs, and not in a sustainable way. Now you've ended it, and I am so proud of you! Just be aware that the next 6-8 weeks will be very tough - a roller coaster similar to going cold turkey from a powerful drug. If you implement strict NC, the worst will be over in 6-8 weeks. However, every contact has the potential to reset your clock to zero, so now's the time to get all your blocks in place - email, Facebook, phone, text, and social media, shared friends (? I guess not), driving past his house are all forbidden for you. Good luck! In about 3 months you will wonder how on earth you could have stayed for 4 years.

[Satu]

This is something I wrote for myself, but it might be helpful here.

 

 

 

1. Recognise that you're still in the crisis phase - you are very hurt, disappointed and angry, but the intensity of your feelings will reduce.

 

2. Don't suppress your feelings, or tell yourself that you shouldn't be feeling what you're feeling - that never helps.

 

3. Externalise your feelings by writing them down, talking to a trustworthy person, or using any other mode of expression that feels right.

 

4. Remind yourself frequently that you can and will have a good life without this person.

 

5. Remind yourself frequently that you can and will love again.

 

6. Take care of your body:

 

Eat enough and eat healthily.

Drink enough water. Thats 1.5 litres a day for a female.

Get a bit more rest than you think you need.

Do some easy exercise - nothing too strenuous.

If you feel unwell go to see your doctor.

 

7. Do not allow yourself to become socially isolated or withdrawn.

 

8. Establish Total No Contact with your ex. No contact directly, indirectly, or by social media.

 

9. Keep up with all your responsibilities and things you have to do.

 

10. Do not use alcohol or drugs in an attempt to self-medicate.

 

11. Post here as often as you want to.

 

 

 

Take care.

[sandylee1]

Cuckoo,

 

I have a problem when the MM always seems to come out as the bad guy.

 

.

 

^^^^^^^ I totally agree with this.

 

So much calling the MM a sociopath, narcissist, evil etc.....

When the reality in most cases is, he's just a selfish, cheat with no regard for his wife and family.

 

Of course he has to future fake to keep OW in the affair. I doubt many would stay if they were told 'I just want some sex with someone else' 'I'm not leaving my wife ever', 'we can be forever as long as you remain invisible'. 'Keep stroking my ego'. But that's really what they want.

 

What lacks in more cases than not, is the acceptance and taking of any personal responsibility by the OW.

 

It's not rocket science to know that getting involved with a MM is wrong and will lead to hurt and pain for someone.........and that the hurt/pain will more likely be yours when:

 

you're being strung along

get the push pull

get dumped etc...

[Satu]

It's my opinion that that affairs take place in a bubble on the very edge of reality, apart from the really real things like paying the bills, bringing up the kids and meeting obligations.

 

In many ways they are an escape from reality.

 

As soon as the OW becomes a threat to the really real, her value sinks to zero.

 

Sadly, the OW often agrees with that valuation, and thats the saddest part of it all.

[foxxface]

He texted me a little while ago with "lmao and my other grandmother died today-lifes little punch lines are on a roll today"

 

I just don't know how to respond to that,I feel even guiltier now but last time I started responding to his texts we ended up back together

The last thing I want to see is him hurting even more now,i feel like I can't just ignore him,but I'm scared to know what responding is going to lead to

I'm so torn,I really don't know what to do

[FusionCutter]

He texted me a little while ago with "lmao and my other grandmother died today-lifes little punch lines are on a roll today"

 

I just don't know how to respond to that,I feel even guiltier now but last time I started responding to his texts we ended up back together

The last thing I want to see is him hurting even more now,i feel like I can't just ignore him,but I'm scared to know what responding is going to lead to

I'm so torn,I really don't know what to do

 

This is called manipulation. Don't respond, block and delete forever. See it for what it is.

 

He's trying to rope you back into his game.

[Satu]

Snip

 

 

I just don't know how to respond to that,I feel even guiltier now but last time I started responding to his texts we ended up back together

The last thing I want to see is him hurting even more now,i feel like I can't just ignore him,but I'm scared to know what responding is going to lead to

I'm so torn,*I really don't know what to do

 

 

This is the best thing you could do:

 

 

*No direct contact in either direction.

*No sending or receiving of messages.

*Block any means he might use to contact you.

*No replies to anything that gets through your blocks.

*No indirect contact through third parties.

*De-friend or delete from all social media.

*No monitoring of him on social media.

*No 'little birds' feeding you news.

*Tell people that you don't want to know anything about what he is doing or saying.

 

 

Take care.

[Mount]

Honestly I don't think you will be ending the relationship with the MM at all at this moment, but again, do whatever you feel comfortable or suitable for yourself.

 

 

The thing about my MM was that he understood how selfish our situation was and how unfair it was to me,and I understood that getting a divorce was no easy task.He truly did treat me like gold,his whole world revolved around me from the moment he woke up to when he went to sleep.

I completely understand others feelings about it,MM is just a masked man that has had the best of both worlds for 4 years with no sign of change,so of course he's going to be the big scary mean man.

Things like him reminding me to take my medicine,giving me back and joint rubs every night because he knew how hard it is to work with arthritis,he'd skip work to bring me food and check up on me if I was sick.He doesn't have a lot of money,but he'd still try to go buy food and make me a good meal instead of my single serve dinners.Flooding me with compliments the moment I woke up,and genuinely meaning it.We'd go long periods of time without sex and he'd never make a big deal of it because he knows my depression can take a toll on my sex drive.

It's just things like that that made the entire relationship worth it,but after so many years of being told something will happen and it doesn't,even all that starts to not matter.

I had given him an entire years notice to get something going.I didn't expect him to full on get a divorce and move in and all that,but even separation or talking with her about getting the process going would have made me happy.I used to ask him how many more years he expected me to stay a secret before he decided to change anything,and he could never give me a straight answer.Or he'd tell me he hadn't done anything yet because he was scared that he'd be throwing his family away for someone that would eventually lose interest in him

 

 

But all of this aside,I think the best thing for me to do is let go of the possibility of us ever actually being something and work on making myself happy. Maybe eventually find someone I can have a healthy relationship with like everyone else