fitbitgirl Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 (edited) Well, I guess that makes me villain number 1 on loveshack but I am here to be honest. My husband is a good man but ever since he had medical complications, he has literally lost the ability to get it up. I'm 32! I can understand this happening when you are older, but wow. Anyway, I met [a man] at the gym and over the course of about 6 months or so I got to know him very well and his ex gf was quite the talker. I would be lying if the way she swooned over him and his anatomical advantages didnt make me curious. It happened finally and I will spare most of the details but it was the first sex I had in about a year and it lasted for 3 hours. Ive never in my life dreamed sex could be that good and I am just locked on cloud 9 from it. Guess I'm a sociopath since I dont feel any guilt :/ Are there any women out there I could talk to? It seems like men just want details to jerk off to and I'm not here for that Edited August 4, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Redacted name Link to post Share on other sites
Artie Lang Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 (edited) what is it that you're actually looking for... advice on how to continue your affair or on how to extricate yourself from such a toxic situation? Edited August 4, 2015 by Artie Lang 8 Link to post Share on other sites
Author fitbitgirl Posted August 4, 2015 Author Share Posted August 4, 2015 TBH, someone that has been where i am. I'm honestly not sure what to think or feel. It seems odd that the go to response from some is to just end it. That feels like throwing out the bath with the bathwater, or whatever that expression is. Link to post Share on other sites
gettingstronger Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 I guess I'm wondering why at 32 you don't have more tricks up your sleeve as far as sexual activity with your husband. I am pretty sure my husband and I could still have a good time without an erection. Is there a reason why betraying him while he is in ill health seemed the best option. 16 Link to post Share on other sites
Keenly Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 Do you think he will ever find out? Or is it to the point where you wouldn't care if he did. Link to post Share on other sites
Be_Strong Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 It's not shocking at all that you enjoyed yourself. That's the whole point of cheating--for the pleasure the cheater gets from it. But it's like someone posting, "oh my god, I tried heroin for the first time and it was the most wonderful feeling I've ever experienced. Why does everyone say to stop doing drugs when it feels so good?" 8 Link to post Share on other sites
Author fitbitgirl Posted August 4, 2015 Author Share Posted August 4, 2015 Well those two questions aren't necessarily related. I highly doubt he would ever find out and I do still care that the truth would hurt him. I am not setting out to make him miserable Link to post Share on other sites
Author fitbitgirl Posted August 4, 2015 Author Share Posted August 4, 2015 @gettingstronger The tricks up my sleeve aren't a problem. he physically cannot get a lasting erection and when he does have them, they do not last. Sure we can do other things, but that gets old fast. A flaccid penis in my mouth is not exactly a memorable night.... As for it the heroin comparison, I get what you are trying to say but that's comparing apples to oranges. I'm not saying what I'm doing is good but I'm also not going to say that what I'm doing/did is on point with requiem for a dream Link to post Share on other sites
m.snow Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 Nope, heard worse. at the very least your husband has a medical condition. have any kids? lack of communication much? ~why don't have him see a doctor for his condition. will you tell your husband? Lying or Omitting the truth from your husband is where the problem is. or just Divorce him if your not compatible. Link to post Share on other sites
gettingstronger Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 Still not understanding the need for an erection, but I'll take your word for it that it's important to you. So, if the medical condition is long term, what do you plan to do? Can you see yourself in multiple affairs and lying to your husband for the long term? Have you all talked at all about the impact of his condition on your marriage? 8 Link to post Share on other sites
Author fitbitgirl Posted August 4, 2015 Author Share Posted August 4, 2015 No kids and of course he has seen multiple doctors. Seriously the low hanging fruit has already been plucked. I guess I'm just trying to understand how lying is the problem. If he doesn't know, he will never think I'm cheating. If I tell him he knows he was cheated on, if I don't he will continue to be happy and thinking only the best. It's weird to say but me telling him seems like a selfish way of me trying to relieve potential guilt(which i dont feel right now at least) I already mentioned the bathwater analogy in regards to divorce Link to post Share on other sites
understand50 Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 Fitbit, I would suggest that you post in the Other Woman/Other Man board. The Other Man / Woman - LoveShack.org Community Forums You may get more support. My own views, is that cheating is wrong, and you should have at lest had a discussion with your husband on having a "open" marriage, or him seeking treatment for ED. There are lots of things that can be done medically now. The pain when he finds out, and he will, will be overwhelming for him, and you are looking at divorce at the very least. If he was posting here instead of you, we would all tell him to dump you. I hope you do not have children, as they will suffer over this. Have your fun now, but you have made your bed, and will have to get used to it. I think you will be the less for it. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Be_Strong Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 The heroin reference is more spot on than you think. You're currently enjoying all the benefits of cheating while the negatives are ignored, downplayed or deferred to a later date--just like a person at the front end of using drugs. As for your specific case, good sex is a wonderful thing. But getting that good sex didn't require cheating. You aren't locked in your marriage. It's the 21st century and people can get divorced. If your husband couldn't meet your needs, you had the option to end the marriage and find somebody else that could. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author fitbitgirl Posted August 4, 2015 Author Share Posted August 4, 2015 Can I just say, don't you all think its a bit naive to assume all marriages with infidelity lead to the other person finding out? I've seen stats that put men as high as 70 percent and women as high as 50 percent to cheat. I guess I just wonder how much of these sorts of message boards speak in idealism rather than pragmatism and reality. I'm def not attacking anyone and I really do appreciate all the feedback Link to post Share on other sites
minimariah Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 Guess I'm a sociopath since I dont feel any guilt :/ no, you're not a sociopath. you just feel entitled & you emotionally checked out of your marriage, that's it. I guess I'm just trying to understand how lying is the problem. so... why exactly do you want to stay married to your husband? image, position... money? why would you lie to your husband...? i really don't understand. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author fitbitgirl Posted August 4, 2015 Author Share Posted August 4, 2015 Mariah I am FAR from emotionally checked out of the marriage. Again, people who cheat have not given up or stopped caring. I think people far too often want to demonize a cheater due to insecurities, anger, past harm done to themselves. I want to stay married to him because I love him. I'm not interested in listing the reasons why I want to stay married to him and again, the assumption that all cheating is ALWAYS uncovered is far from accurate. So is the general advice to come clean based out of the Bertrand Russel argument towards believing in god? Link to post Share on other sites
gettingstronger Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 You are making decision for him, that's the issue with the lying. To me the only ones that really that what you don't know won't hurt you are the ones that need to rationalize being a liar. Anyway, if you read this board and the OW board you will see that infidelity is not a good long term plan. Someone always gets hurt and it leads to unnecessary drama. I guess you can enjoy it while it lasts, but at 32 I would hope you have a better plan than that. You speak rather flippant in regards to your husband. I'm wondering if that resentment will grow. That can't make for a happy life for either of you. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
m.snow Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 (edited) no kids? how long have been married? your old enough to know difference between right and wrong. tell the truth or just divorce. divorce is not trowing it out. it sets you free and your bh free to chose the right person for each other. you can still care for your husband. as a friend just not as a wife. i pray your not just holding on to your husband for financial reasons? Edited August 4, 2015 by m.snow 2 Link to post Share on other sites
understand50 Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 Can I just say, don't you all think its a bit naive to assume all marriages with infidelity lead to the other person finding out? I've seen stats that put men as high as 70 percent and women as high as 50 percent to cheat. I guess I just wonder how much of these sorts of message boards speak in idealism rather than pragmatism and reality. I'm def not attacking anyone and I really do appreciate all the feedback Fitbit, You have posted among a bunch of folks who have been cheated on, or having cheated, seen first hand the damage that they have done. Of course, we will not be the most supportive group for your actions. What we would like you to do is stop cheating, tell your husband, show remorse, seek reconciliation, or divorce the poor man so he can find a woman that will respect and love him. We also want you to grow and see that your action are wrong, and that although you may have good reasons, cheating is not the answer. I have compassion for your plight. Giving up sex at a young age is a good reason to break up a marriage, or seek a open marriage. It is the lying and deceit that you are doing that makes this wrong. I think the consensuses will be in the next couple of days, is for you to confess and then divorce your husband. You may find a better audience in the other/man-woman forum. I wish you luck 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author fitbitgirl Posted August 4, 2015 Author Share Posted August 4, 2015 Wow, it's amazing how sexist a couple people have been. If I were a man and posting all this, would you be asking if I was with my wife for financial reasons? I make a very good living, thanks. I don't resent my husband and I don't resent him for not being able to perform. I don't resent someone for something that is beyond their control, but I also don't think I should have to say goodbye to him forever due to a change in his life neither of us could have planned for. Again, I really REALLY REALLY feel like there is a lot of idealism floating around in these comments and it's lacking the realism I was hoping to find. I'm def not looking for high fives, but I also am not looking for people to say "Just divorce him and then you're free" I don't feel trapped at all. Link to post Share on other sites
Babs22 Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 Fitbit, I am sorry about what happened to your husband. I am sure it cannot be easy for him to have lost that ability. Interestingly my AP had medical complications 10 months after our A started. It was going to take some work and effort but we were not ready to give up that part of our relationship. Was penile rehab ever discussed? I don't know if your H's medical condition was a permanent situation or if he could get back some function with some therapy. If nothing else, there are injections which can make a man erect. Did your husband try those? We used those for about 10 months. We were lucky that after about a year things started to get back to normal. He was told use it or loose it. There was no response initially. Now, he can get an erection without Viagra but we still use that sometimes. Also if penile rehab could not help, there are penile implants that I have read many men wondered why they didn't get one sooner. Those are for men who penial rehab could not help. When my MM first was unable to get an erection. He did so many things to make things happen for me. Did you and your H just stop being intimate? If he has lost the ability to have an erection he is probably depressed. Most of the wives and men on the forum I follow talk about this. i hope you have looked into all possibilities of helping your H get beyond this. As far as your request goes for other woman in an affair situation, I wouldn't recommend it to anyone. You become emotionally involved with someone else and that effects your whole life. Question, have you considered leaving your husband since he can't satisfy you? Is this a one time thing with this guy or are you going to continue seeing him? If you keep seeing him, will you become emotionally involved? I think it's hard for woman not to be emotionally involved. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
understand50 Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 Wow, it's amazing how sexist a couple people have been. If I were a man and posting all this, would you be asking if I was with my wife for financial reasons? I make a very good living, thanks. I don't resent my husband and I don't resent him for not being able to perform. I don't resent someone for something that is beyond their control, but I also don't think I should have to say goodbye to him forever due to a change in his life neither of us could have planned for. Again, I really REALLY REALLY feel like there is a lot of idealism floating around in these comments and it's lacking the realism I was hoping to find. I'm def not looking for high fives, but I also am not looking for people to say "Just divorce him and then you're free" I don't feel trapped at all. Fitbit, No some of us have stated for you to seek an open marriage. Just do not lie to your husband. Be open and honest. Also, lots of us have experience with betrayal. So it is not "idealism" it is life you are hearing. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author fitbitgirl Posted August 4, 2015 Author Share Posted August 4, 2015 @understand Thank you for saying that. I am getting the feeling the responses to my post have been fueled by others' personal feelings of betrayal and anger rather than an unbiased pragmatic look at what's happening. I do respect my husband. Lying to someone does not mean you stop respecting them and I am certain that each and every one of you have lied without it meaning a metaphorical "**** you" to the recipient Link to post Share on other sites
aloneinaz Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 Wow, it's amazing how sexist a couple people have been. If I were a man and posting all this, would you be asking if I was with my wife for financial reasons? I make a very good living, thanks. I don't resent my husband and I don't resent him for not being able to perform. I don't resent someone for something that is beyond their control, but I also don't think I should have to say goodbye to him forever due to a change in his life neither of us could have planned for. Again, I really REALLY REALLY feel like there is a lot of idealism floating around in these comments and it's lacking the realism I was hoping to find. I'm def not looking for high fives, but I also am not looking for people to say "Just divorce him and then you're free" I don't feel trapped at all. I'm not hear to judge what so ever. But I do have a question. Isn't the whole concept behind marriage monogamous? One partner/lover/etc.. for life? I get your situation and I have to say at your age that MAY be a deal breaker for me if I was in your situation. Why not consider approaching him w/the idea of an open marriage or simply consider divorce? Cheating is VERY exciting and addicting for many people. But, as the others have said, you end up having to pay the piper one way or the other. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
minimariah Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 as far as looking for similar experiences goes... well... most people who cheat on here don't really claim to love their spouses & they all have some kind of emotional connection to their AP... besides, i think your situation with the health issue is pretty unique. so not really sure how much luck you'll have with that. use condoms, do regular STD checkups & hide your traces well. if confronted - do NOT act like you do on this thread because your responses are typically cheaters responses - you're overreacting & you're being way too defensive + using way too much adhominem. stay CALM. i personally think you will get busted but you'll deal with that if and when it comes to it, i guess. until then... good luck & have SAFE sex. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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