I cheated and loved it

[understand50]

@understand

 

Thank you for saying that. I am getting the feeling the responses to my post have been fueled by others' personal feelings of betrayal and anger rather than an unbiased pragmatic look at what's happening.

 

I do respect my husband. Lying to someone does not mean you stop respecting them and I am certain that each and every one of you have lied without it meaning a metaphorical "**** you" to the recipient

 

yes, I lie all the time on the small social things, but sex with someone else is a large "social" error. I may not agree with couples having a open marriage, would not work for me or my wife, I think, but being open and honest, is always the best way. I am just suggesting that you look at how you can do this better, and not hide. In the end it will cause problems.

 

If you love him, really deep down and he loves you as well, you will be able to talk this out a reach a situation that helps both of you.

 

I wish you luck

[Be_Strong]

If I were a man and posting all this, would you be asking if I was with my wife for financial reasons?

Yes, people would be asking the same question if you were a man. The number one reason guys don't divorce their wives is because of "the kids". The next most important reason is "the money." Divorces as a mathematical certainty will always be financially damaging to both spouses because you are taking shared resources and splitting them up. And instead of shared :bunny:income with pooled expenses, after divorce you end up with split income and duplicative expenses.

[fitbitgirl]

Hmmm guess I'm new age. We have never have pooled income. That just sounds like a recipe for disaster. I come from a family of financial analysts and advisors and pooling together income has never been a lesson taught to us.

[truncated]

i don't understand how you can do this, then go on to say that you love your husband.

 

It's not the sleeping with another man s much as the lying and disrespect that you are showing towards a man you claim to love. You know that he would be hurt if he knew you were sleeping with someone else, and also that he would likely not be okay with. Otherwise, you would be having a talk with him about your lack of a sex life with him and what steps could be taken on a more honest basis.

 

As for he "everyone lies" chestnut. Come on, seriously?

While is may be true that people tell lies like that a dress doesn't make them look fat or the love the painting their friend made, this is not even in the same league as those.

It's incredibly disrespectful and hurtful. You are taking his right to make decisions about his life away from him. He may well not want to be with a woman who is sleeping with another man, who gets bogged down in the drama of an affair, etc. yet that is what you are doing to him, seemingly because it's easier and more palatable to you than the harder road of being honest with him.

[AlwaysGrowing]

No kids and of course he has seen multiple doctors. Seriously the low hanging fruit has already been plucked.

 

I guess I'm just trying to understand how lying is the problem. If he doesn't know, he will never think I'm cheating. If I tell him he knows he was cheated on, if I don't he will continue to be happy and thinking only the best. It's weird to say but me telling him seems like a selfish way of me trying to relieve potential guilt(which i dont feel right now at least)

 

I already mentioned the bathwater analogy in regards to divorce

 

ED is one of the largest blows to a mans self-worth. You having an affair will sink your husband further.

 

Your husband is not "happy" with his sexual life right now. He is not thinking the "best"..more than likely he is consumed with his erections/lack of. He probably has anxiety on top of the medical condition now.

 

If you have led him to believe that you were willing to work on this issue with him, then went on to have an affair...intentionally seeking out a man who is "endowed" ....count on that being another massive blow to his sense of self-worth.

 

Yes, lying is "bad". You had the option of asking him. Of including him in the decisions going forward. You didn't. You put the size of anothers mans member above your husband. It is what you put "value" on. You have basically told your husband he does not have value to you.

[Be_Strong]

I do respect my husband. Lying to someone does not mean you stop respecting them and I am certain that each and every one of you have lied without it meaning a metaphorical "**** you" to the recipient

 

fitbitgirl (I hate that name by the way because I despise the Fitbit),

Your mind seems to be in a rationalization/justification mode, that is preventing you from thinking objectively. To be honest, as I don't know you or your husband, I have no stake in what you do or don't do in your marriage. So all I'm trying to do is give objective advice.

 

You currently think that all the potential negatives with cheating revolve around whether or not your husband finds out. What you are ignoring is how the cheating will affect you. For example, you say that you still respect your husband even though you are lying to him. But you can only play a person for a sucker for so long before you lose respect for that person.

 

And the cheating isn't just an assault against your husband, it is an assault against your own character. You will grow to despise yourself, you will question your own integrity, and you will question your self-worth as a person. This forum is full of men and women that regret having cheated even where their spouse never found out. It does a terrible number on your emotional and mental health.

[jbrent890]

Before I give my advice, the statistics that you presented I'm sorry to say are wrong. In fact, that vast majority of people do not cheat in marriages. Multiple studies have shown that around 25% of men will cheat, 15% of women will cheat, and 6% of spouses will cheat in a given year. If you want links to those studies, let me know.

 

Now on to your situation. I'm going to try to give you the most unbiased and non-judgemental advice that I can. First, your situation is not unheard of. There is actually a thread on her that someone created recently over this. However, there are more constructive and less hurtful ways fulfilling your needs can be accomplished. Have you tried talking to your husband about this issue? This might sound harsh, but this isn't really fair to him. Like I said, your situation is not unheard of. You would be surprised how many spouses will let their partners go out and have no strings sex to get their needs filled if they are unable to do so. There are people in the world that don't want to divorce over this. From what it sounds like, your not really thinking about the consequences to this. If your husband finds out from other means that you have been going behind his back, this will crush him. The best advice I can give is communicate with your husband that the current situation is not working for you. I know you don't want to get a divorce, but at the same time, no one likes getting cheated on. I'm sure you and your husband will be able to come up with some type of solution to this issue. Good luck.

[Artie Lang]

you're of the assumption that "ignorance is bliss" concerning keeping your husband in the dark. you took certain vows when you married him- honor, loyalty, fidelity. if you cannot honor those vows, why stay married? think about it carefully... do you honestly believe that lying to someone doesn't entail some form of disrespect on your part. not only is it disrespectful but it's downright insulting. he has a right to know the actual state of his marriage.

 

at this point, you're just rationalizing your situation.

 

 

i realize that you two have some massive problems concerning his physical/physiological impairment, but jumping into an affair doesn't cure your/his ills.

[Be_Strong]

Hmmm guess I'm new age. We have never have pooled income. That just sounds like a recipe for disaster. I come from a family of financial analysts and advisors and pooling together income has never been a lesson taught to us.

 

Do you not live in the same house? Isn't both of your incomes used to pay for mutual expenses like mortgage, food, utilities, etc.? Pooling income doesn't just mean putting all your income in the same bank account--it means using the incomes of both spouses to pay for marital expenses.

[fitbitgirl]

Why will I grow to despise myself and question my integrity?

 

You all might not think the same way as I do, or many people I know do, but infidelity in marriage is very much a common place thing. The idea that it isnt, the idea that it means this massive breach of character and the deepest of betrayals is all so very cliche and old school. I really guess I was expecting a more elevated level of conversation on the topic but instead I feel like I'm getting the type of responses based on personal anger and resentment. I will be ignoring the post as it just doesn't seem to be getting anywhere.

Edited August 4, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed personal info ~T

[Mr. Lucky]

I cheated and loved it

 

CONGRATULATIONS!!!

 

Seems to be the response you're looking for...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Be_Strong]

Sorry, but I think you are just lying to yourself. You clearly don't like seeing the responses here from people telling you the cheating is a bad idea--so I guess you were instead hoping to see posts from people telling you there's nothing wrong with it and to enjoy it. But the fact that you came here hoping to find people to give you that reassurance shows that you are questioning yourself with the whole "cheating is no big deal" line that you desperately want to believe is true.

[sammy7111]

So if he gets tired of you does he get to try something other. Made its just u that's not turning him own. But so much for sickness and health

[jbrent890]

Why will I grow to despise myself and question my integrity?

 

You all might not think the same way as I do, or many people I know do, but infidelity in marriage is very much a common place thing. The idea that it isnt, the idea that it means this massive breach of character and the deepest of betrayals is all so very cliche and old school. I really guess I was expecting a more elevated level of conversation on the topic but instead I feel like I'm getting the type of responses based on personal anger and resentment. I will be ignoring the post as it just doesn't seem to be getting anywhere.

 

 

Fit Bit,

 

It kind of seems like your looking for people to tell you its ok to cheat on your husband. If you here seeking that, then maybe at some level you do know what your are doing is wrong. I'm not trying to beat you up, but if your confident that this is the right course of action, then why are you here asking about this.

 

Also, you operating under a pretty poor assumption. Like I said, the majority of people do not cheat in their marriages. Again, I will be happy to provide studies that support this. You are one of 15% of women that will cheat on their spouse in their lifetime and one of 6% of spouses that will cheat in a given year. Thats a far cry from 50 to 70%. Again, good luck on your journey and I pray and hope that you and your husband can come up with some type of solution together.

Edited August 4, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[ladydesigner]

Why will I grow to despise myself and question my integrity?

 

You all might not think the same way as I do, or many people I know do, but infidelity in marriage is very much a common place thing. The idea that it isnt, the idea that it means this massive breach of character and the deepest of betrayals is all so very cliche and old school. I really guess I was expecting a more elevated level of conversation on the topic but instead I feel like I'm getting the type of responses based on personal anger and resentment. I will be ignoring the post as it just doesn't seem to be getting anywhere.

 

 

I think you should be posting in the OW or OM forum since you do not seem to be concerned about the fallout from your actions or even view your actions in a negative light.

 

Communication in regards to his condition should have been clearer and what solutions you both could come up with to make this a more tolerable situation. Open Marriage, etc.

 

Deceiving someone you love for some strange is not love by any means. It is a selfish need, one that you obviously really need or you wouldn't have cheated.

 

I don't think you will be happy in the long run especially if your emotions start to get entangled with the AP.

 

My advice would be to at least read up and prepare for the worst case scenario should it happen, meaning your BH finding out about your cheating. Not all A's are discovered, but you never know if yours might be.

 

Good luck to you as you are on a very slippery slope!

Edited August 4, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[purplesorrow]

Why will I grow to despise myself and question my integrity?

 

You all might not think the same way as I do, or many people I know do, but infidelity in marriage is very much a common place thing. The idea that it isnt, the idea that it means this massive breach of character and the deepest of betrayals is all so very cliche and old school. I really guess I was expecting a more elevated level of conversation on the topic but instead I feel like I'm getting the type of responses based on personal anger and resentment. I will be ignoring the post as it just doesn't seem to be getting anywhere.

 

Why would such an enlightened and evolved person choose such an old school path of cheating? Why didn't you have an elevated level of conversation with your husband?

[Artie Lang]

infidelity in marriage is very much a common place thing.

 

wow... just wow.

 

i don't want to sound crass but for your age you seem very immature and naive. like a child, you don't like what you're hearing so you're taking your toys and running home. good luck with that.

 

i feel sorry for your husband... for all that he's going through and for what he doesn't know about you.

[mrs rubble]

How would you feel if you were unable to have sex due to a medical reason, and your husband had an OTT sex drive, and went out and found himself a prettier woman with bigger boobs than yours to relieve himself with??

Would you be fine with that??

[ladydesigner]

Why will I grow to despise myself and question my integrity?

 

You all might not think the same way as I do, or many people I know do, but infidelity in marriage is very much a common place thing. The idea that it isnt, the idea that it means this massive breach of character and the deepest of betrayals is all so very cliche and old school. I really guess I was expecting a more elevated level of conversation on the topic but instead I feel like I'm getting the type of responses based on personal anger and resentment. I will be ignoring the post as it just doesn't seem to be getting anywhere.

 

The bold is a huge justification (you are making) for your actions. While Affairs are commonplace, the effects and trauma that is inflicted on the betrayed is anything but cliche or old school.

[Be_Strong]

The whole argument over statistics is pointless anyway. Something doesn't become ok based on the number of people doing it. I'm not going to change my mind about murder and say it is acceptable just because there was a rash of murders last week.

[ladydesigner]

Why would such an enlightened and evolved person choose such an old school path of cheating? Why didn't you have an elevated level of conversation with your husband?

 

I can't like this enough. Classic!

[gettingstronger]

Why will I grow to despise myself and question my integrity?

 

You all might not think the same way as I do, or many people I know do, but infidelity in marriage is very much a common place thing. The idea that it isnt, the idea that it means this massive breach of character and the deepest of betrayals is all so very cliche and old school. I really guess I was expecting a more elevated level of conversation on the topic but instead I feel like I'm getting the type of responses based on personal anger and resentment. I will be ignoring the post as it just doesn't seem to be getting anywhere.

 

 

 

On that elevated level you seek- if infidelity is so common place and acceptable- why seek an anon forum- aren't there people in your circle (new schoolers I guess?) that think as you do- why not go out for a drink and discuss it with them?

 

I guess what still confuses me is that you see nothing wrong, want no advice are perfectly happy with what you are doing, not looking to share the details in a sexual type forum- what is going on- what brought you to LS- is there something nagging at you?

 

As far as the OW/OM forum- I disagree she would get "sympathy" there- its not like the OW/OM on here are not also hurting, trying to understand right/wrong and looking to grow and heal- its not like they are a bunch are tarts with the "you go girl, if it feels good who cares who you hurt" mantra-

 

I do believe there are other boards out there online that do cater to the if it feels go do it crowd- but I have found LS to be more of the learn and grow crowd- not all of us are there yet, but the truly selfish are few and far between- JMO

 

While it

[jbrent890]

How Common is Cheating & Infidelity Really? | World of Psychology

 

http://www.statisticbrain.com/infidelity-statistics/

 

Just in case anyone is interest. Whenever I hear people say that cheating is common place, I think it is just a justification to make them feel better about their situations. Anybody can believe what they want, but science does not lie unless proven otherwise.

[sandylee1]

Iit seems like you just want to carry on cheating. Fine go ahead and do that. Learn to lie and hide as best as you can. Use protection and don't get involved with a psycho that will destroy your life when you don't leave your husband for him. Don't send naked pictures of yourself that can be used to blackmail you or just sent to him out of spite.

 

Finally....picture his face and his pain if he finds out and decide if it's worth it. Your call.

[understand50]

On that elevated level you seek- if infidelity is so common place and acceptable- why seek an anon forum- aren't there people in your circle (new schoolers I guess?) that think as you do- why not go out for a drink and discuss it with them?

 

I guess what still confuses me is that you see nothing wrong, want no advice are perfectly happy with what you are doing, not looking to share the details in a sexual type forum- what is going on- what brought you to LS- is there something nagging at you?

 

As far as the OW/OM forum- I disagree she would get "sympathy" there- its not like the OW/OM on here are not also hurting, trying to understand right/wrong and looking to grow and heal- its not like they are a bunch are tarts with the "you go girl, if it feels good who cares who you hurt" mantra-

 

I do believe there are other boards out there online that do cater to the if it feels go do it crowd- but I have found LS to be more of the learn and grow crowd- not all of us are there yet, but the truly selfish are few and far between- JMO

 

While it

 

Sorry that I gave the wrong impression about the ow/om forum, but they are on the other end and may have more understanding, or a better argument for Fitbit. I do not think she would get the "its all right" statement she is looking for. I have commented on several threads there, and the pain and hurt is real and deep.