Back in contact with ex, but feel even more down now

[pioneer]

I split with me ex about 6 months ago. we went out for 5 1/2 years, she ended it. Anyway, iv maintained NC for a good 2 months, until a couple of nights ago, i found out she was seeing someone else, i was being given a lift home by my mate, and on the way we passed her house. I think she was arguing with her new boyfriend, they were in his car, which iv noticed a few times outside her house. She noticed me, and rang. We just argued down the phone with each other for a while, then talked for about an hour, not about our relationship, but about general things.

 

Now i cant get her off my mind, iv been texing her like crazy. Some times she replys, others not. She denys she's seeing anyone but i know she's is. I still love her and feel so lost without her, its hurting me more now to know she's with someone else, than the actual break up.

 

I know she doesn't want to get back with me, or it seems that way, but we're still in contact and we've been through so much together, if i ask her if she still thinks about me and the things we did, she just says no and says she's past it now, so why even bother talking to me????

 

Also, i cant seem to date anyone else because she is always on my mind and i kind of compare every girl i meet to her, so i find myself just sitting in at night. I really want her back and miss her so much, i said some evil things to her when we argues the other night, things id do anything to take back, things i know hurt her a lot. I hate myself for it and iv told her this.

 

I cant help thinking where is it all gona end, id been with this girl since i was 19 and im 25 now, surely we cant hold this kind of contact for ever. Since we split, we haven't gone over about 8 weeks without contact, what's going on, ho can i sort this problem out, without just forgetting her. It hurts sooooo much, and im totally lost without her, i cant accept she with someone else.

[ConfusedInOC]

Originally posted by pioneer

Now i cant get her off my mind, iv been texing her like crazy.

 

STOP IT!! She doesn't deserve your time!

 

I know she doesn't want to get back with me, or it seems that way, but we're still in contact and we've been through so much together, if i ask her if she still thinks about me and the things we did, she just says no and says she's past it now, so why even bother talking to me????

 

Coz she doesn't respect you and you prove that every time you start texting her or trying to contact her. You would have been so better off to not answer her calls or text messages and let everything go to VM. Now you have to start NC all over.

 

Also, i cant seem to date anyone else because she is always on my mind and i kind of compare every girl i meet to her, so i find myself just sitting in at night. I really want her back and miss her so much, i said some evil things to her when we argues the other night, things id do anything to take back, things i know hurt her a lot. I hate myself for it and iv told her this.

 

You value your worth by how much she loves you. Bad, bad, bad thing, bro. I used to be just like you. My ex has tried to contact me several times by email and I simply: read, laugh and delete them. For so long she took me for granted and then threw me away like ever so much TP. Now she's getting a dose of what she gave me and I don't feel a buit guilty about it.

 

Get rid of her cell number off your phone.

Get rid of her emails.

Get rid of her IM contacts.

Put away all reminders of her.

 

You will never get over her until you are no longer reminded of her every day.

 

I cant help thinking where is it all gona end, id been with this girl since i was 19 and im 25 now, surely we cant hold this kind of contact for ever. Since we split, we haven't gone over about 8 weeks without contact, what's going on, ho can i sort this problem out, without just forgetting her. It hurts sooooo much, and im totally lost without her, i cant accept she with someone else.

 

If you can go 8 weeks, you can go the whole way. But first, you need to get some self confidence back. Read some of alphamale's post. He might not be the most eloquent, but he does have some good points.

[HotCaliGirl]

And don't drive past her house to see if someone else's car is parked there!!!

 

It's difficult, but the truth is that at this point, she doesn't want you, and all you are doing is hurting YOURSELF by trying to contact her to change her mind. That will make her more determined not to change her mind and hurt you more.

 

Stay away so you will feel better. If she answers your texts, it is not to hint that she is suddenly back into you. Meet someone else to get your mind off of her. You HAVE to.

[pioneer]

I just want to know, that now she's got someone else, why even spek to me after the horabble thigs i said to her. She left me before for someone else (thats not what she's done this time, she's been single for a few months) but she came back, im so confused

[pioneer]

im literally back in tears after 6 months

[ConfusedInOC]

Originally posted by pioneer

I just want to know, that now she's got someone else, why even spek to me after the horabble thigs i said to her. She left me before for someone else (thats not what she's done this time, she's been single for a few months) but she came back, im so confused

 

Because she knows how much it kills you to be like this and maybe it just makes her feel good to be WANTED by you even if she does not want you in return. Do you see? This is just a boost to her self-esteem and much like a vampire, to boost her own self-esteem she is sucking away at yours.

 

Cut her off.

NO MORE CONTACT.

Delete any remnants of her.

 

It'll be hard but you did it before.

 

And you need to focus on YOURSELF and loving the person you are. Nobody else is going to love you if you don't love yourself. So try to get involved with hobbies. Hang out with friends, go to comedy clubs and above all, KNOW THAT YOU ARE MUCH BETTER OFF WITHOUT HER.

 

I know you don't understand that now, but you will one day. That is for sure.

[ErinErinErin]

ConfusedinOC- I love the advice you give about being strong about NC and how everyone is worth more than the way their ex's are treating them...

 

BUT...how do you do all of this when you love that person so much and they are not totally telling you to get lost? How to win them back without begging?

[ConfusedInOC]

Originally posted by ErinErinErin

ConfusedinOC- I love the advice you give about being strong about NC and how everyone is worth more than the way their ex's are treating them...

 

BUT...how do you do all of this when you love that person so much and they are not totally telling you to get lost? How to win them back without begging?

 

You may never win them back.

 

As much as we want to believe the love of our life should be obligated to love us as much as we love them, the simple truth is we're here because they don't. And they aren't going to find that love with just a few days of NC nor is NC any sort of guarantee they ever will. All NC does is allow you to pick the pieces and move on.

 

For them to "come back" they have to:

1) Realize they were wrong (...and maybe they weren't wrong)

2) Realize they took you for granted.

3) Make some heavy duty attitude adjustments.

4) Admit they were wrong.

 

Now if you think about it, people have a very hard time just admitting to ONE of these. To have them admit to all four would be tantamount to a miracle.

 

Don't get my wrong, I am not trying to be harsh or give you the doomsday speech, but we do need to face facts. The Ex is an ex for a reason. Something went terribly wrong during the relationship. In my case, I just loved too much, too soon. I loved her so much that I lost all my self confidence trying to make her happy. I lost who I was as a person and thus, became someone else, someone she didn't care for. Those are images of me she'll never forget. She'd have to hang out with me sometime to even notice a change...and that'll never happen. Or hey, maybe she'll date some other guy that treats her like crap and that will have her thinking how "great" I am, right?! Wrong. She'll go to someone else before coming back to me. And you know what? We like to think we're the only one capable of giving the level of love to the Ex that they deserve. The fact is, someone else can too.

 

My suggestion (and I should be following my own advice more closely, but even I admit I still have some faint hope she'll come around, even though I know she won't) is to do the following:

 

1) Rid yourself of their telephone #.

2) Remove them from your IM contacts.

3) Purge their emails. All of them.

4) Box (or throw away) all the pictures, mementos and other things and put them far from reach.

 

You can't move on until the constant reminders of that person is gone.

 

The purpose of NC is to help YOU to heal, to help YOU get over them and to help YOU move on. NOT and I repeat NOT to manipulate them into coming back to you. YOU are what's important now, not them, and you need to learn to love yourself, be happy with who you are, proud that you gave it your best shot and hold your head high.

 

I'm sorry if this comes off harsh, it's not meant to be. As I write this, I am reminding myself how much I need to listen to what I am saying and implement my own form of NC - NOT CARE about her.

 

Good luck.

[whichwayisup]

Confused!!! Awesome advice!

 

Hey, you've come A LONG way in such a short period of time eh! That's great!

[ErinErinErin]

ConfusedinOC- you are so right- so many of us (myself very muchly included- I know muchly isn't a word but whatever...) are too busy pining away for the people who may or may not be thinking of us at all. We all need to give ourselves the respect we deserve and not keep being slaves to the idea that "they" will come back to us...

 

Maybe they will wake up one morning and realize that they still love us and miss us...Maybe not...But why should we sit here waiting for them to do so...that would be a waste of our time and energy...

 

A lot of us here really need to think about what is important in our lives and to ourselves... Please people listen to this man!!! ConfusedinOC is not trying to be harsh as he has himself stated but he really wants us to realize that we are doing more harm than good sitting around and waiting for "them" to come around and possibly love us again...they may never do so...

 

As for myself, I am going to let "The Ex" know how I feel (more for myself than anything- as I have a lot to get off of my shoulders and I know I just need to have him know how I feel about all of this...)---- and then it is done! I can rest assured that I tried my best and that he is not worthy of my devotion and attention. When we find the person who does respect us and is worthy of us- all of the time we wasted on the "Unworthy" will not matter anymore...

 

Thank-you ConfusedinOC for helping me to realize that like you kinda said- You should RUN away from anyone who can WALK away from you!!! You are a great guy and I think a lot of people here would benifit from your advice- even though they may not want to hear it cause it may sound harsh at first!!!

[ConfusedInOC]

Originally posted by whichwayisup

Confused!!! Awesome advice!

 

Hey, you've come A LONG way in such a short period of time eh! That's great!

 

LOL, thanks. I called her tonight because I was ticked that she didn't answer a question I had for her and she said "I'll call you tomorow" and I was like "Oh you must be on a date" and she said "yes.."

 

At first I was mortified and then I thought to myself "This poor guy has no clue what he's in for...." LOL

 

So yes, I have come a long way. After tonight, no more contact period. I definitely deserve better than her.

[ConfusedInOC]

Originally posted by ErinErinErin

ConfusedinOC- you are so right- so many of us (myself very muchly included- I know muchly isn't a word but whatever...) are too busy pining away for the people who may or may not be thinking of us at all. We all need to give ourselves the respect we deserve and not keep being slaves to the idea that "they" will come back to us...

 

Maybe they will wake up one morning and realize that they still love us and miss us...Maybe not...But why should we sit here waiting for them to do so...that would be a waste of our time and energy...

 

A lot of us here really need to think about what is important in our lives and to ourselves... Please people listen to this man!!! ConfusedinOC is not trying to be harsh as he has himself stated but he really wants us to realize that we are doing more harm than good sitting around and waiting for "them" to come around and possibly love us again...they may never do so...

 

As for myself, I am going to let "The Ex" know how I feel (more for myself than anything- as I have a lot to get off of my shoulders and I know I just need to have him know how I feel about all of this...)---- and then it is done! I can rest assured that I tried my best and that he is not worthy of my devotion and attention. When we find the person who does respect us and is worthy of us- all of the time we wasted on the "Unworthy" will not matter anymore...

 

Thank-you ConfusedinOC for helping me to realize that like you kinda said- You should RUN away from anyone who can WALK away from you!!! You are a great guy and I think a lot of people here would benifit from your advice- even though they may not want to hear it cause it may sound harsh at first!!!

 

You're welcome.

 

Rest assured, none of this is easy. NC is the hardest thing in the world to do. I still struggle with it myself but I realized that the more I concern myself with what she is doing or feeling, the less respect I had for myself and that in turn is reflected on how you carry yourself.

 

Keep your chin up high. Not everyone we meet and fall in love with is going to be good for us.

[BigB]

*crowns CIOC the new guru of NC*

 

*bows*

 

we're not worthy.. we're not worthy..

[ConfusedInOC]

Originally posted by BigB

*crowns CIOC the new guru of NC*

 

*bows*

 

we're not worthy.. we're not worthy..

 

Thanks B. Unfortunately even though a lot of this information is already available on this site, I still had to experience it myself. Finding out she was on a date tonight stung a little bit at first, I admit that. But heck, she is going on with a life that doesn't include me, why should I go on with a life that includes someone who doesn't even want to be in it?!

 

I guess that's it in a nutshell. We keep forcing people to stay in our lives that really don't want to be there. That's not even a bad reflection on us as much as it's the proof we need to slap ourselves back into line.

 

When people can walk away, let them. But do the same and walk away from them. There will be others and we all deserve to be loved in return as much as we love. With my ex, she was draining me of all the love I had to give AND the love she wasn't giving. Nobody can make up for the lack of love your partner is giving in a relationship. It's physically and emotionally impossible.

[BigB]

Originally posted by ConfusedInOC

Thanks B. Unfortunately even though a lot of this information is already available on this site, I still had to experience it myself. Finding out she was on a date tonight stung a little bit at first, I admit that. But heck, she is going on with a life that doesn't include me, why should I go on with a life that includes someone who doesn't even want to be in it?!

 

I guess that's it in a nutshell. We keep forcing people to stay in our lives that really don't want to be there. That's not even a bad reflection on us as much as it's the proof we need to slap ourselves back into line.

 

When people can walk away, let them. But do the same and walk away from them. There will be others and we all deserve to be loved in return as much as we love. With my ex, she was draining me of all the love I had to give AND the love she wasn't giving. Nobody can make up for the lack of love your partner is giving in a relationship. It's physically and emotionally impossible.

 

amen, I know after reading the posts on this site I will think twice before I EVER beg a girl to come back to me.

 

I did it once, and she came back, but only for a little while and it wasn't worth it. I gave her all the control, she no longer respected me, and she just walked away again. I thank her everyday for not letting me contact her, I didn't have a place like this w/ cool people at the time to help me through it, and I know I wouldn't have left her alone.

 

I know it's easy for me to say now, and I'll probably get my heart broken again, but I've learned a lot here. and if/when it does happen again I know where to find some folks to talk me through it.

 

The beauty of NC in your case, and many others here is that it puts the controls for your happiness and your life back into your hands where they should be, not in hers.

 

I wish I'd found this place a long time ago, I probably wouldn't have spent the year after she left, drunk, high, deperessed, and pissed off. (Well at least less drunk, and not high) and it wouldn't have taken me six years to be ready to date again.

[ConfusedInOC]

Originally posted by BigB

amen, I know after reading the posts on this site I will think twice before I EVER beg a girl to come back to me.

 

I did it once, and she came back, but only for a little while and it wasn't worth it. I gave her all the control, she no longer respected me, and she just walked away again. I thank her everyday for not letting me contact her, I didn't have a place like this w/ cool people at the time to help me through it, and I know I wouldn't have left her alone.

 

Man, you don't know how eerily similar that is to my case! With my ex, she walked away, I begged her back, she tried to "force" the relationship on herself and ultimately she wasn't happy. That's why if someone can walk away from you, you have to let them walk. They will respect you for not chasing them and even if they never come back, you get to keep your dignity and self respect.

 

I know it's easy for me to say now, and I'll probably get my heart broken again, but I've learned a lot here. and if/when it does happen again I know where to find some folks to talk me through it.

 

One day at time, bro. There's no need to rush into anything. Love will reveal itself over time. I know that with her, the first time I laid eyes on her it was love at first sight. But she has an evil side too and even when it revealed itself to me (twice!) I ignored it. Had I taken things slow, I wouldn't have fallen so hard, so fast and I would have enough cohonies to walk away when I should have. I could have saved myself eons of pain.

 

The beauty of NC in your case, and many others here is that it puts the controls for your happiness and your life back into your hands where they should be, not in hers.

 

That's exactly it. You take control of your life back.

 

I wish I'd found this place a long time ago, I probably wouldn't have spent the year after she left, drunk, high, deperessed, and pissed off. (Well at least less drunk, and not high) and it wouldn't have taken me six years to be ready to date again.

 

Hey man, in my case I WAS here and I DID NOT LISTEN to all the advice I got (I was told numerous times "She's not into you, walk away!" and I didn't do it!!!). I was not ready to listen. The great part about LS is we give good advice. The bad part is, we aren't always receptive to listening....

[YouGotServed]

I can only admire you Confused on how far you have gone and how you are handling the situation. Really wish that I can be like you and walk away knowing that if it was meant to be, none of this would have ever happened. Anyways, by any chance, do you have an instant messenger name?. I would definitely like to talk to the guru of NC now... Please PM me when you have a chance.

[YouGotServed]

I can only admire you Confused on how far you have gone and how you are handling the situation. Really wish that I can be like you and walk away knowing that if it was meant to be, none of this would have ever happened. Anyways, by any chance, do you have an instant messenger name?. I would definitely like to talk to the guru of NC now... Please PM me when you have a chance.

[YouGotServed]

I can only admire you Confused on how far you have gone and how you are handling the situation. Really wish that I can be like you and walk away knowing that if it was meant to be, none of this would have ever happened. Anyways, by any chance, do you have an instant messenger name?. I would definitely like to talk to the guru of NC now... Please PM me when you have a chance.

[YouGotServed]

I can only admire you Confused on how far you have gone and how you are handling the situation. Really wish that I can be like you and walk away knowing that if it was meant to be, none of this would have ever happened. Anyways, by any chance, do you have an instant messenger name?. I would definitely like to talk to the guru of NC now... Please PM me when you have a chance.

[ConfusedInOC]

Originally posted by YouGotServed

I can only admire you Confused on how far you have gone and how you are handling the situation. Really wish that I can be like you and walk away knowing that if it was meant to be, none of this would have ever happened. Anyways, by any chance, do you have an instant messenger name?. I would definitely like to talk to the guru of NC now... Please PM me when you have a chance.

 

Yes and I'll PM it to you.

 

Also note, it's not exactly easy for me. I'm handling it as best I can because frankly, I don't have a choice. I know that I am good person and that I did my best to make our relationship work. There will be someone else to come along who will appreciate me for who I am. She may never regret her decision but it does no good for me to regret it. I learned a heck of a lot about what to do and what not to do....

[ConfusedInOC]

You Got Served, you have to turn on PM's. Yours is shut off.

[flsgirl]

Originally posted by pioneer

 

I know she doesn't want to get back with me, or it seems that way, but we're still in contact and we've been through so much together, if i ask her if she still thinks about me and the things we did, she just says no and says she's past it now, so why even bother talking to me????

 

Also, i cant seem to date anyone else because she is always on my mind and i kind of compare every girl i meet to her, so i find myself just sitting in at night. I really want her back and miss her so much, i said some evil things to her when we argues the other night, things id do anything to take back, things i know hurt her a lot. I hate myself for it and iv told her this.

 

 

I highly doubt that this girl is over you, you were with her for so long. You just can't forget about all your history together. People deal with break-ups differently. Some people(like you and myself) are really upset after the relationship ends and grieve over it until we feel better. Other people (like your ex) think that they can get over someone by jumping into another relationship. They keep everything inside and then eventually it all comes out. That's why people come back into your life when you least expect it (usually when you're almost over them).

 

You just need to move on. No contact is your best bet. You seemed okay when you were doing it before. Sure it sucks, but you just need to take it day by day. It will get easier, I promise. You just have to be strong and keep busy.