She became unable to give and receive intimacy?

[Havoccus]

Hello everyone,

 

I've been reading this forum for a while now but I haven't found anything like my situation here and frankly, not on the whole internet.

 

My girlfriend of six years moved in with me in May. We had a pretty happy relationship with no real arguments, definitely no drama, decent sex life although this one suffered from reasons I'll explain later. Bottom line is, we both thought this will last forever as we had the mutual love and respect. We hit a few rough patches of course during these six years, mostly because of the ways we deal with problems - I will try to push things until we solve them while she's rather the silent type in this matter. In 2013 she spent four months abroad while we only met once a month and I couldn't really deal with this and made her feel she can't give me enough of herself so eventually we almost broke up.

 

When she came home she was diagnosed with PCOS (cysts in the ovaries). She had to take birth control to manage it but it didn't really work and she had a lot of pain. In early 2014 she got diagnosed with Endometriosis so she had surgery and they removed 70 percent of her left ovary. Then she had to take Visanne for over a year which practically put her into menopause with a lot of side effects including zero sex drive. Still, I was there for her, helped her a lot and was very patient, stopped initiating sex as I knew she had no desire ( - may I add: when we got together she had incredible sex drive and I could barely keep up with it though during the years it decayed a bit but we still had sex every 2-3 days and she always came, sometimes multiple times - but after her surgery she stopped watching porn or caring for it at all which she did a lot, as well as masturbating which she also did a lot). She would still initiate sex when she felt ready, she still always came but it started to hurt her so I usually just watched her and got off myself after she finished. Well anyway, given the fact that she had almost no sex drive because of the medication it was still something.

 

During this Easter, April 2015 something became wrong with me. I have kind of a weak stomach and bowels anyway and maybe a mild case of IBS but I got really sick with throwing up and diarrhea for almost a month which we concluded to be because of the constant fights at my parents house where I still lived and the unbearable environment so we decided to look for our own place finally. I'm 28, she's 25, both of us still living with parents so it was about time we did this too. We found a great place in no time and we moved in, things seemed to calm down but I started to get mild panic attacks for no reason, feel anxious all the time and of course this made me nauseated all the time again. I became very weak and co-dependant emotionally which might have lead to what the problem of her is right now as I was like a zombie, just googling symptoms when I wasn't kneeling over the toilet. Also, no appetite. I still went to work but I was constantly trying to figure out what's wrong with me and she became really annoyed by it.

 

Well, then out of nowhere all of this disappeared. I became healthy, happy again, started making plans etc so we could say I started to bounce back to my old self.

Then on June 30th, she came out about not being in love anymore and telling me she doesn't like it that she's the only one that matters in my life and I should rebuild my friendships because she's planning to go abroad the first time she gets a chance.

Important part here - I work as a train driver, making lots of money and I also have a great amount of savings. She on the other hand, has been learning history for years, getting a Bachelor and Master degree, sadly without any minors so in the end she had two "worthless" degrees and no job. She tried to get into PhD but she didn't get accepted anywhere resulting her not getting a job for almost 2 years because she was either over-qualified or she lacked experience. She eventually got hired as a "cultural community worker" at her local library but she makes around 200 EUR a month while I make almost 900 EUR. As her situation seemed to be hopeless she decided that she wants to move abroad where she could actually make a living on her own but she was planning it for years anyway and she always included me in her plans on moving abroad. Well, at least until now.

 

For me, July was all about winning her back. It was quite obvious for me that I became so weak in her eyes that she couldn't look at me as a man anymore and her lack of sex drive - because of my illness we had sex only twice a month since April - so I started working out, making plans, getting her small gifts and flowers for no reason, doing most of the housework including cooking, washing dishes etc while also giving her space but some affection as well. But she grew more distant day by day. She got to stop taking her medicine and she only had to take birth control pills at this point (still to manage her PCOS) but I was quite convienced that most of her problems were hormonal as, well, Visanne is pure synthetic progestin and of course messed up hormones means messed up feelings. Anyway, she would accept my gifts with little to no enthusiasm, as well as my helping out, my cooking. She stopped texting me at all, no more goodnight texts while I was at work as well as sometimes just going to sleep without a word.

She stopped hugging me or touching me at all, started to lock herself to the bathroom even to change or get dressed, not to mention whenever I was trying to give her a welcome/goodbye kiss on the lips - really, just a peck! - she would hang her head and give me her forehead.

 

We did this for 2 weeks where she snapped in a good way and finally opened up to me. She said she lost trust in me for my behavior during the time she was abroad on scholarship and she can't just let it go and also, she looks at me more like a brother or a cousin who needs constant guidance and is unable to "live on his own". Both of this were quite shocking and interesting as I haven't cheated on her, haven't ever hit her, what happened while she was abroad was I got really cranky with her - we kept contact via instant messengers - and that one night when she reached a point where she doubted is we should stay together I couldn't process that technically she's breaking up with me via instant messaging after not seeing each other for 4 months so out of desparation and panic I said things that highly suggested I would harm myself if she leaves me. Yes, I know how stupid it was and I'm not proud it and it really left a dent in her but on the other hand as I mentioned, I work as a train driver and I have multiple medical papers of having excellent mental health which includes not having suicidal tendencies at all. Well as I said it was a desparate cry for help, nothing more. I apologized the day after and I've been reassuring her ever since that it was just a stupid mistake and even at that point I never intended to harm myself, just tried to win some time so she gets home and we can talk about it face to face.

 

The other part was of course the fact that I got really clingy on her because of my illness and over these six years I slowly ignored everything else but her, I have no doubts about that. I thought that's what any grown woman would like, a man that loves them, cares for them and is there for them all the time. Well, my mistake. Still, I did A LOT of things in our apartment, ordered everything and installed them (kitchen appliances etc), went shopping everyday while she was at work, cooked dinner (I usually work night shifts so I could arrange these things while she was away at work) so if anything I kinda proved that I could live on my own so I felt that part just not true at all. Anyway, after we had the talk, the next day she was incredibly horny and we had really passionate sex and we both thought talking about these things worked out.

 

But they didn't. She kept giving me the forhead for every welcome/goodbye kiss, still no touches, no messages, she even stopped messaging me completely even though we always texted at least a "good night" every day since 2009. Even she said it but every other thing showed that she's depressed as she has no solid future image, no real carreer or even work and because of the pill she became overweight and has a terrible self image, as she said she looks in the mirror with disgust. Although out of nowhere she got hired at a decent place and she reached a point where she wasn't planning to go abroad for good anymore the distance was there and she just kept somewhat ignoring me. Emotionally at least.

 

I asked her to talk it over last night. She said something is seriously wrong in her head, and when she said she's not in love anymore she meant that she lost attraction and she's incapable to do anything intimate, even a goodbye kiss. It's not me per se because she sees and really appreciates the efforts I'm doing for her and myself as well but she just isn't capable of any level of intimacy lately and she feels that it's very unfair towards me to have to live with a damaged girl like her.

I assured her that during the last painful month I somewhat accepted the fact that I've lost her, started rebuilding my life, my friendships, and the fact that I still want to be with her and try to solve this issue is because I care for her and my mind tells me this is how it's supposed to be. I'm definitely not in love with her anymore but I do care for her a lot and I would still live my life with her because we always had something that I feel is still there. Something snapped in her and it needs attention and a solution but we definitely need help and guidance where and how to start.

 

In my opinion, my part in this relationship is alright, at least for now. I'm really putting a lot of work to feel her confortable, cared of, loved but also giving her the space she needs and not to be needy or clingy at all. I would give her massages when she needs it without making it sexual as I know it makes her uncomfortable for now. And I see her efforts to give something back to me but right now she is just incapable to give anything emotional and intimate. We both agreed that she needs a psychologist or someone who helps her gain back her self esteem and sort out the "tangled wires" in her head and I also suggested couple therapy or something, also suggested her to start taking some ginseng to at least get a sex drive so we'd have that as a starting point but we really don't want to make any more mistakes by doing things wrong. I'd really appreciate any suggestions or input what could this be and how could this problem resolved.

 

PS: She doesn't have anyone else, I double checked it. If something, she was afraid that I have someone else - kind of a result as her low self esteem. I'm pretty positive if she actually decides to quit this relationship and not resolve this issue she would literally end up as a "crazy cat lady".

[oldshirt]

28 years old is way too young to be putting up with this nuttiness.

 

 

You pointed fingers at her for having self esteem issues but in reality I think you are the one with the self esteem issues if you are allowing her to treat you this way.

 

 

There are 3 billion other women in the world. Let this one go and find someone else that wants to be with you and will treat you well and let her find someone that she wants to be with.

 

 

You'll cry in your pillow and in your beer for a few nights and will have some periods of lonely nights now and then but within a few months both of you will be happier and more sane.

[Qboro90]

You're both co dependent on another at an unhealthy level. Problem is that you have been together so long that your dysfunction and problems have just become normal behavior to both of you.

 

You both admit to not being in love with each other anymore. What more is there to need to know? It's time to split up. Yes it will be uncomfortable, yes it will be upsetting and disappointing to have a 6 year relationship end. But would you rather have a 16 or 20 year marriage end and feel like the last 14 years were wasted on trying to fix something unfixable? Now is the time to end it.

 

The hurdle and truth you need to come to terms with is that it will NEVER go back to the way things were when you first started dating and before each of your health problems. You are holding out hope and projecting on what "could be"'not what "actually is". Too much has gone on to and between both of you where it's changed your lives. Constantly trying to get back to the way things were is futile and impossible.

 

It's like trying to get back to being 19. You're just not 19 anymore. People grow, people evolve, you're fighting that and so is she. Face it... You've taken this relationship as far as it can go. Does that mean that the 6 years you were together meant nothing? Not at all whatsoever. You cared for each other and made memories, had good times and tough times. Nothing can take that away but you owe it to yourselves to seize control of your own happiness rather than throwing it away on a forced bond that's been gone a long time.

 

Sit down with her and express that you both have put in more than enough work and devotion to this relationship. Real love shouldn't take this much work and sacrifice. You want to marry someone where the spark is still just as strong 15 years in as it was the first year you met. Can you say that spark is there at all with her now? Can she say that about you? You've already said its gone.

 

End it, be mature and cordial and open the next chapter of your life.

[Mr. Lucky]

28 years old is way too young to be putting up with this nuttiness.

 

Couldn't agree more, just shouldn't be this hard. Love isn't drama, resentment and selfishness, it's supposed to affirm and support you.

 

Time to look for a different way...

 

Mr. Lucky

[MJJean]

Part of a romantic relationship is sex and intimacy. When that's gone, you're just friends and sometimes not even that.

 

For women with PCOS, sex is usually not high up on the menu. Some because it has become painful and others because the hormones aren't where they should be and the desire is just gone. There is no cure. Hormone therapy only works in about 3% of cases. Surgery to remove cysts and thin the uterine lining generally needs to be repeated multiple times and one of the most common solutions is hysterectomy, partial or complete.

 

It's hard on the woman because we tend to feel like "less" when we lose our fertility. Even worse to lose desire for sex and intimacy altogether.

 

That all said, she's checked out already. You're still hanging on. Why? You're not married and there's no mention of kids. What's keeping you there?

 

Where do you see yourself? What do you want out of life? If you're interested in a life with a wife, a kid or two, a healthy sex life, and the closeness of a deep bond...well, I don't see it happening with this woman.

 

I have an old friend who's wife had PCOS and endo. After a few years of treatments, there was nothing left but hysterectomy. She completely lost all desire for sex other than for emotional reasons and even that is very rare for them. Like, twice a year rare. They're married, have teenage children, and are staying together. But I know he's been missing something for a long time as evidenced by him hitting on me and a few other women we know. And I'm not talking about flirting, but propositioning.

 

If you're not ok with a sexless relationship that lacks intimacy, you need to end this before you become that guy out of sheer desperation.

[vrj]

partnership in life