shane147 Posted August 5, 2015 Share Posted August 5, 2015 This could be long and dull, but any feedback would be appreciated. Background.... HS sweethearts, pregnant at 17, married at 17. We had two more children and recently had our 20th anniversary. We did all the things we should and many things young couples dont do. We both went to good colleges, both have really good jobs. We have moved around quite a bit and that has kept some excitement in our lives. Overall, we would both be called good, hardworking, responsible people. I feel that we are both great dedicated parents. Now.... To the not so bright parts. The excitement of being a young successful couple overshadowed the fact that we were both still kids. Through the years we were somewhat able to hold it together, but we have really grown apart. We cant ever seem to resolve conflict. Unfortunately, there is a lot if conflict. It usually turns nuclear pretty fast, and both if us are left hurt and empty. We both have a lot of resentments. I wont go into crazy long details, but after lots of thought, i see the following as some of the biggest problems: Connection- we have completely lost this. We do not look forward to time together. On our anniversary, we had a very lavish, kid free trip to hawaii. I hoped we could try to rekindle things, but unfortunately, there was a lot of bickering and arguing that started at about the halfway point. This made the trip less fun. The tough (maybe jealousy??) part for me is that she just went on a girls trip with several friends. The pictures i saw made it seem like she had much more fun. Intimacy- i used to try to talk to her about my needs. This was routinely ignored and i was made out to be a bad guy. I think i have finally come to the realization that this cant be resolved, so i really have lost interest. We will go through the motions a few times a month, but generally i could just go to sleep. This is bad for the both of us, but i dont even want to bother to talk about it any more. Finances- we make good money, but she is controlling with me and my finances, but she doesnt hold herself to the same standard. An example.... I had a month where i spent about $200 or so in golf equipment and a few (discounted) rounds. She confronted me and told me how irresponsible i was. The next day, she used my credit card to pay about a grand towards a girls trip. (Without speaking to me). Recently, same thing happened. I got a massage package for $60 per month, she had a major issue with this. Before and after, she paid for two additional vacations. (One was a girls trip, the other with her family). I mentioned all her travel and she blew up. The truth is, i want her to have time and fun with friends, but i am very resentful that the rules change for her. Parenting- i have to support her with the kids, she doesnt feel an obligation to support me. I have to be the bad guy and she is the hero. Lots of undermining. I will say that this has improved, slightly, but largely due to our kids sensing we are about to fight and the kids just going along. Our kids hate to see the big fights and it is bad of us to do so in front if them. We are teaching our kids how to fight, but not how to solve problems. Communication- we have terrible communication habits. Disagreements usually go unresolved. An example would be as follows: disagreement on something. I say my part, she either ignores, or tries to redirect. Ill usually try to stay in a calm voice, she will raise her voice in dissent.... Ill fall into the trap, at which time she tells me she isnt talking to me because if how i am talking to her. I try to be on my A game and not yell, but when i talk normal, she yells over me and claims that she is right and the argument stops then. I have gotten to the point where i ignore things just because i feel it is hopeless. Interests- we do not have common interests. Movies, music, hobbies, etc. this has really grown through the years, causing more of a lost connection. I find i usually just do what she wants or goes where she wants and just let go if my interests. I do believe marriage should be give and take, but i do feel resentful. Because of all the above, i do not feel that i am in a mutually respectful marriage. I cant share my thoughts and feelings. Our connection is lost. I feel that i have completely list my identity in this marriage. I dont want to paint a picture that she is the sole contributor to our problems. I have played my role as well. I have been really bad about sarcasm, passive aggression, and i have probably held too many grudges through the years. I will say that i am the one who has tried to talk about ways to fix things, without ignoring it and hoping our marriage just magically fixes itself. I have repeatedly asked her to try counseling, marriage retreats, books, etc. She has said no to all. I truly believe this is because she is a control freak (maybe unknowingly) and is afraid to learn that she is part of the problem. Having said all this, i cant say my heart is still in it. The truth us, i want out. I never really talk to any friends about this. We both come from highly dysfunctional families, so neither of us really have an idea of what a family "should" work together. ............ A penny for anyones thoughts.........,, [size=1]Posted via Mobile Device Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted August 5, 2015 Share Posted August 5, 2015 I have repeatedly asked her to try counseling, marriage retreats, books, etc. She has said no to all. How does that conversation go? You: Our marriage is in trouble. I think we should try X. Her: No. You: Oh OK. Instead, maybe it should go like this... You: Our marriage is in trouble. I think we should try X. Her: No. You: I am not happy in this marriage as it is. If not X then how do you propose we fix it? If she's not prepared to put in any effort then you need to tell her that you're not prepared to carry on being in an unhappy marriage, and if she's not prepared to put in work to fix it then she is leaving you with only one option. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author shane147 Posted August 5, 2015 Author Share Posted August 5, 2015 I agree that is likely a better approach. The problem is that i have tried in similar terms and she really believes most of the problems are mine. She usually invalidates or brushes me off when i try to both work together on abplan to fix things. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted August 6, 2015 Share Posted August 6, 2015 Well, then you need to take the next step. Let her know that you are not prepared to carry on in the marriage unless things change. And if she still won't pull her weight, you know what you have to do... Link to post Share on other sites
LukeRBetts Posted August 9, 2015 Share Posted August 9, 2015 Shane i feel for you buddy.... it really sucks to feel like your in a hopeless situation. Google Narcissism This may not help....but my ex seemed to act similar to yours.... when i googled Narcissism it blew me away and really opened my eyes to the situation i was living in. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted August 10, 2015 Share Posted August 10, 2015 Communication- we have terrible communication habits. Disagreements usually go unresolved. An example would be as follows: disagreement on something. I say my part, she either ignores, or tries to redirect. Ill usually try to stay in a calm voice, she will raise her voice in dissent.... Ill fall into the trap, at which time she tells me she isnt talking to me because if how i am talking to her. I try to be on my A game and not yell, but when i talk normal, she yells over me and claims that she is right and the argument stops then. I have gotten to the point where i ignore things just because i feel it is hopeless. ............ A penny for anyones thoughts.........,, [size=1]Posted via Mobile Device I think 90% of your issues are based on this. You have some learned behaviors as a couple that practically guarantee dissension and until you fix them you'll continue to feel disconnected. I'd make a MC appointment and tell her you're going as a couple. Make sure she understands the alternative will be disruptive ... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
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