StuckInSeparation Posted May 31, 2015 Share Posted May 31, 2015 15 months separation which included dating each other etc. Couples Counseling stopped. 4 months of her saying she is divorcing me. No paper work in sight. She said I would hear from her lawyer. Now says she can't afford a lawyer. We were found not suitable for mediation. Only contact is via email and she says she doesn't receive them all. No calls or texting. No face to face. She self identified as avoidant attachment. Does this look like a typical avoidant long separation? Many suggest to divorce her. I am not going to file and serve her so looking for other discussion with that in mind. Next steps for reconciling matters and also absorbing activities for my own health? Has anyone else experienced this and found the way to reconcile? Or does this avoidant stuff typically stretch it out over years? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted June 1, 2015 Share Posted June 1, 2015 Has anyone else experienced this and found the way to reconcile? SIS, if your W was indeed done with your relationship, what would she do? She wouldn't call, text or see you or attempt to reconnect with you in any way. And this would go on for months - pretty much all as you describe. Are you sure your "avoidant" isn't her "meaningful"? The message seems pretty clear and, since you're completely separated, the divorce paperwork may be something she just does when she gets around to it. Hate to see you put your life on hold any longer than necessary... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author StuckInSeparation Posted June 1, 2015 Author Share Posted June 1, 2015 SIS, if your W was indeed done with your relationship, what would she do? She wouldn't call, text or see you or attempt to reconnect with you in any way. And this would go on for months - pretty much all as you describe. Mr. Lucky That may make sense to me except for the 4 months of contact that I mentioned which included various emotional comments in the emails including referring to wanting to "look after me" etc Arms length avoidant come here go away IMHO. Any tips? To answer your question, if she was done she would file! Link to post Share on other sites
Author StuckInSeparation Posted June 1, 2015 Author Share Posted June 1, 2015 Case in point. Today she has come over when I was at work. She used the toilet and then cleaned it. She lives a few streets away. Link to post Share on other sites
KBarletta Posted June 1, 2015 Share Posted June 1, 2015 Who initiated this separation? From what you wrote, it sounds like your wife did. If that's the case, I think the bottom line is that if she wanted to be with you, she would be. And while a divorce may be what she wants, actually filing for one takes time/money/legal advice, as well as emotional readiness. Myself, I have been separated for six months, have had divorce papers written but have yet to actually file them because I am simply not ready. I know there is no hope of reconciliation, but I simply am not ready to take that next step yet. When I am ready, I will. Perhaps your wife is in this mental situation as well. Fifteen months is a long time. And, yes, it could stretch out for years. If I were you, I'd probably have the papers drawn up and prepare to file yourself. That doesn't mean you have to go through with it 100 percent, but it's probably better than spending another several months or even years in limbo. In fact, getting divorced still doesn't mean you can't reconcile down the road. I know several couples who divorced and reconciled years later. Not saying it's common, but it surely happens. I would advise you to stay active, work out, see friends, take up new hobbies, travel, throw yourself into work, see a therapist. All of these are good for your mental state and also will keep your mind off of your separation. Link to post Share on other sites
LifesontheUp Posted June 1, 2015 Share Posted June 1, 2015 That may make sense to me except for the 4 months of contact that I mentioned which included various emotional comments in the emails including referring to wanting to "look after me" etc Arms length avoidant come here go away IMHO. Any tips? To answer your question, if she was done she would file! Whatever it is she wants, its clear that her behaviour towards you is unacceptable. You cannot continue to do this. 15 months is a long time! So you could take decisive action yourself and start the divorce ball rolling. Doesn't mean you have to go ahead with it, but it may get you to know if she really wants it or not. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted June 1, 2015 Share Posted June 1, 2015 Case in point. Today she has come over when I was at work. She used the toilet and then cleaned it. She lives a few streets away. The entire summed net benefit - a cleaner toilet. That you would interpret this action as a positive sign just reveals your mindset - you want it to work. And I get that, most of us who post here have been there. But you'll eventually realize one can't want for two and, at some point, will stop attaching value to something she considers worthless, bathroom usage a case in point. As others have said, you've lived off a few crumbs for over a year. How much more time to sacrifice? Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author StuckInSeparation Posted June 1, 2015 Author Share Posted June 1, 2015 I would advise you to stay active, work out, see friends, take up new hobbies, travel, throw yourself into work, see a therapist. All of these are good for your mental state and also will keep your mind off of your separation. Thanks for this answer. It's helpful. Link to post Share on other sites
Author StuckInSeparation Posted June 1, 2015 Author Share Posted June 1, 2015 The entire summed net benefit - a cleaner toilet. That you would interpret this action as a positive sign just reveals your mindset - you want it to work. And I get that, most of us who post here have been there. But you'll eventually realize one can't want for two and, at some point, will stop attaching value to something she considers worthless, bathroom usage a case in point. As others have said, you've lived off a few crumbs for over a year. How much more time to sacrifice? Mr. Lucky The attached value = gratitude. I don't see anything wrong with this or the "net benefit". I'm not saying it means she is coming home tonight. I am going along the lines of what KBarletta has said about emotional readiness. I don't believe she has detached. I have received emails last night about us that confirm this Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted June 1, 2015 Share Posted June 1, 2015 The attached value = gratitude. I don't see anything wrong with this or the "net benefit". I'm not saying it means she is coming home tonight. I am going along the lines of what KBarletta has said about emotional readiness. I don't believe she has detached. I have received emails last night about us that confirm this Certainly nothing wrong, waiting is a personal choice only you can make. And KB's advice on spending that time wisely is productive also. But after 15 months, you have to ask how long? And is her willingness to watch you live your life in limbo the act of someone who cares about you? Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author StuckInSeparation Posted June 2, 2015 Author Share Posted June 2, 2015 Certainly nothing wrong, waiting is a personal choice only you can make. And KB's advice on spending that time wisely is productive also. But after 15 months, you have to ask how long? And is her willingness to watch you live your life in limbo the act of someone who cares about you? Mr. Lucky I answered how long on our wedding day. See my original post Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted June 2, 2015 Share Posted June 2, 2015 Best of luck. Hope you get what you want... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
ralfgarnett Posted June 2, 2015 Share Posted June 2, 2015 15 months separation which included dating each other etc. Couples Counseling stopped. 4 months of her saying she is divorcing me. No paper work in sight. She said I would hear from her lawyer. Now says she can't afford a lawyer. We were found not suitable for mediation. Only contact is via email and she says she doesn't receive them all. No calls or texting. No face to face. She self identified as avoidant attachment. Does this look like a typical avoidant long separation? Many suggest to divorce her. I am not going to file and serve her so looking for other discussion with that in mind. Next steps for reconciling matters and also absorbing activities for my own health? Has anyone else experienced this and found the way to reconcile? Or does this avoidant stuff typically stretch it out over years? I feel for you mate, just coming up to 11 months apart for us she left out of the blue, we would of been together 20 years now and 18 years married this weekend, I feel as though I'm walking through treacle trying to make progress but not getting any where fast, still no mention of D and I wouldn't enable it anyway, I long for reconciliation and think of hardly anything else, so while I cant offer any advice I just want you to know that I feel for you pal and I am sending you my best wishes. Link to post Share on other sites
Author StuckInSeparation Posted June 8, 2015 Author Share Posted June 8, 2015 Thanks ralfgarnett Walks through treacle is a good way of putting it. I get ya. Two days ago I said goodbye to our kids inside and they walked out to my wife to get in her car. Instead of driving off she came to the door to tell me that she felt like I was brushing her off. This is so unfamiliar to navigate Link to post Share on other sites
KBarletta Posted June 8, 2015 Share Posted June 8, 2015 Thanks ralfgarnett Walks through treacle is a good way of putting it. I get ya. Two days ago I said goodbye to our kids inside and they walked out to my wife to get in her car. Instead of driving off she came to the door to tell me that she felt like I was brushing her off. This is so unfamiliar to navigate She's been asking you for a divorce for four months (a divorce that you don't want) and she tells *you* that you are brushing her off? She's deflecting. As I see it, you have three choices - 1/ File for divorce and move on. 2/ Enter counseling and attempt to work things out (though for this to work, she has to be committed as well) or 3/ Keep going like this, which sounds like it's torture for you. So if she won't work on your marriage, then I think your best option for your own sanity is to file and move on. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted June 8, 2015 Share Posted June 8, 2015 So if she won't work on your marriage, then I think your best option for your own sanity is to file and move on. Good advice. Also important to note doing so doesn't prevent her from seeking reconciliation if that's what she decides she wants... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author StuckInSeparation Posted June 10, 2015 Author Share Posted June 10, 2015 She's been asking you for a divorce for four months (a divorce that you don't want) and she tells *you* that you are brushing her off? She's deflecting. As I see it, you have three choices - 1/ File for divorce and move on. 2/ Enter counseling and attempt to work things out (though for this to work, she has to be committed as well) or 3/ Keep going like this, which sounds like it's torture for you. So if she won't work on your marriage, then I think your best option for your own sanity is to file and move on. Thanks for presenting two options. I have been clear and consistent about #1 Today I received a delivery of homemade cooking from her. Link to post Share on other sites
LoveMyCat Posted June 10, 2015 Share Posted June 10, 2015 I have been separated for six months, my husband is not ready to talk about divorce yet. I would like to get it over with, but have no special reason or deadline. I think I may ask him what he wants to do after the summer, as I would like him to get the house on the market by the end of the year, if he will be selling it. It is okay to just stay as you are for now, if you can handle it. If she really wants a divorce, she will file. Or you can. Link to post Share on other sites
Author StuckInSeparation Posted June 10, 2015 Author Share Posted June 10, 2015 I have been separated for six months, my husband is not ready to talk about divorce yet. I would like to get it over with, but have no special reason or deadline. I think I may ask him what he wants to do after the summer, as I would like him to get the house on the market by the end of the year, if he will be selling it. It is okay to just stay as you are for now, if you can handle it. If she really wants a divorce, she will file. Or you can. No special reason? I can handle it a lot better than a year ago. I'm willing to play a short game for a long time Link to post Share on other sites
LoveMyCat Posted June 10, 2015 Share Posted June 10, 2015 No special reason? I can handle it a lot better than a year ago. I'm willing to play a short game for a long time I mean, I am not in a hurry to be officially divorced, no interest in remarrying, no new man, etc...living separately is enough for the time being in my case. I am happier, presumably he is too since he prompted my move. Yes, it would be better, I guess, to get the divorce started as there has been no talk of reconciliation, but it is not harming anything for right now as we are. I monitor bills to make sure he is paying what he needs to pay, as we are in a community property state. If bills stop being paid, I will have to make a legal move. Link to post Share on other sites
Author StuckInSeparation Posted June 12, 2015 Author Share Posted June 12, 2015 The dinner was delicious. She came back the next night and was all smiles. Watching her outreach and taking it steady. Getting on with absorbing activities Link to post Share on other sites
Author StuckInSeparation Posted August 5, 2015 Author Share Posted August 5, 2015 Spouse has filed request to withdraw her previously filed divorce application but says we are never getting back together (says we will divorce) Huh Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted August 5, 2015 Share Posted August 5, 2015 Where are you located? And what are you asking for advice on, specifically? Link to post Share on other sites
Author StuckInSeparation Posted August 5, 2015 Author Share Posted August 5, 2015 Outside USA jurisdiction It doesn't make sense to me. How to approach? Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted August 5, 2015 Share Posted August 5, 2015 You'll have to provide more information if you want meaningful advice. Where outside the USA? Mexico, UK, Germany, Singapore?? The divorce laws are very different in all of those places. We can't give advice if we don't know which system we're dealing with. What is your objective here? What has changed since your last thread? Link to post Share on other sites
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