winterkeep Posted August 5, 2015 Share Posted August 5, 2015 Hi everyone, my name's Winter. Quick background I met guy and fell in love, he talked of children and our amazing future together we seemed to have a very real connection and the relationship progressed quickly..then he told me he was married. We talked but didn't see each other for two weeks after, it's over now. I am so conflicted, one one hand I feel terrible for continuing to talk to him after he admitted the truth to me on the other I am devastated that the relationship and love I thought I had was nothing but a lie. No chance that I will go back but I have a lot to sort through and think I've found the place to do it - I've been reading so many of your stories and hope I can be of support to those that are hurting too. Not much to say at this point, it's all still a bit too new and devastating. Winter (edited for spelling!) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SycamoreCircle Posted August 5, 2015 Share Posted August 5, 2015 Winter, here's a towel, one bar of soap, bowl and spoon. Lunch is served promptly at noon. You're allowed one thing to read, book or periodical. Recess, one hour in the morning. Good conduct gets you privileges. My name's Doc, pleased to meet ya'. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
RainDown Posted August 5, 2015 Share Posted August 5, 2015 Hi everyone, my name's Winter. Quick background I met guy and fell in love, he talked of children and our amazing future together we seemed to have a very real connection and the relationship progressed quickly..then he told me he was married. We talked but didn't see each other for two weeks after, it's over now. I am so conflicted, one one hand I feel terrible for continuing to talk to him after he admitted the truth to me on the other I am devastated that the relationship and love I thought I had was nothing but a lie. No chance that I will go back but I have a lot to sort through and think I've found the place to do it - I've been reading so many of your stories and hope I can be of support to those that are hurting too. Not much to say at this point, it's all still a bit too new and devastating. Winter (edited for spelling!) I'm sorry you've found yourself in this situation. It's so unfair when men/women do this kind of thing, leaving the unwary heartbroken and disappointed. I mean, seriously, what kind of twisted person plays with someone's heart like this? And you are not the one who should be feeling terrible - HE is. That was a horrible thing he did to you. I'm sorry you're hurting. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
OldRover Posted August 5, 2015 Share Posted August 5, 2015 Sorry to hear such a story... There is a thought to do a bit of research on anyone that gets beyond a few dates and looks like it's going somewhere. I've done it and have had it done to me, and feel that this is just good planning to do so. You can find out a lot. It's a real shame that someone would lie about their marital (or relationship) status with a new date.... and worse to let it progress to be talking serious. What the hell do they expect? Winter, Really sorry to hear this... the only good part is that is was a really short relationship and you will get through it. But it will hurt and hurt your trust in new men, which is something that you'll have to get through and get over. Best to you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
gettingstronger Posted August 5, 2015 Share Posted August 5, 2015 That is terrible and I am sorry you are going through this- you have a lot to unpack from that experience- learning to trust again after a betrayal is one of the hardest things I have done in my life- 2 Link to post Share on other sites
OldRover Posted August 5, 2015 Share Posted August 5, 2015 Winter, How long did you know this guy? Did you get to know his friends and/or family? And how did he date you, considering he had a wife? Link to post Share on other sites
Cloudcuckoo Posted August 5, 2015 Share Posted August 5, 2015 Winter, it can be terribly shocking to discover that there are people who will cross your path to satisfy their own needs without consideration of the consequences to you. It's a horrid place for you at the moment I'm sure, but take it as a valuable lesson to grow from. This man's behaviour speaks volumes about cruelty. Lots of luck to you for a much better human being to enhance your life in future. Cuckoo x 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Artie Lang Posted August 5, 2015 Share Posted August 5, 2015 whatever you do, don't get sucked back in... stay in NC. how long were you in this "lie"/relationship, if i may ask? Link to post Share on other sites
eric1 Posted August 5, 2015 Share Posted August 5, 2015 Have you done the right thing and let his wife know yet? Link to post Share on other sites
Author winterkeep Posted August 6, 2015 Author Share Posted August 6, 2015 Thanks everyone for your responses. We were seeing each other for six months, he and his wife do not live together during the week and most weekends too it seems so I guess that gave him the ability to look as though he were single. I did the usual social media check in the early stages and saw nothing, I didn't do much checking though as I guess I'm naively trusting which is probably not a bad thing; I don't want to enter any future relationships expecting the worst of someone. He actually said to me when I was upset on finding out "If you didn't have some idea you aren't as intelligent as I thought you were" but really who thinks this sort of thing is the norm?! Link to post Share on other sites
gettingstronger Posted August 6, 2015 Share Posted August 6, 2015 Thanks everyone for your responses. We were seeing each other for six months, he and his wife do not live together during the week and most weekends too it seems so I guess that gave him the ability to look as though he were single. I did the usual social media check in the early stages and saw nothing, I didn't do much checking though as I guess I'm naively trusting which is probably not a bad thing; I don't want to enter any future relationships expecting the worst of someone. He actually said to me when I was upset on finding out "If you didn't have some idea you aren't as intelligent as I thought you were" but really who thinks this sort of thing is the norm?! No, no, no- he is WRONG- before infidelity I took people at their word- although it was a long time ago, I never checked the background of the people I dated- second guessing every move I made, every conversation I had, no- I did not do that- don't blame yourself for being trusting of someone that appeared trustworthy! Now I have changed and although by his standards I may be "more intelligent" its actually just more jaded- not always a good thing! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
nikki76 Posted August 6, 2015 Share Posted August 6, 2015 He actually said to me when I was upset on finding out "If you didn't have some idea you aren't as intelligent as I thought you were" but really who thinks this sort of thing is the norm?! And I hope he walked away with 2 black eyes and kick to the balls for saying that to you. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Author winterkeep Posted August 6, 2015 Author Share Posted August 6, 2015 Ha! No but he should have, I was just in shock with the whole situation so didn't react at all. It's typical blame shifting behaviour; I am actually starting to wonder if he has narcissistic personality disorder - not just some tendencies but an actual PD- I know many women claim this about exes but I'm somewhat qualified to make this call and much of his behaviour exhibits many of the warning signs - even with a short observation period. He's tried to contact me the last few days too, minimising, apologising then lashing out when he doesn't get a reaction it's very tiring. I wish I could go into more detail here but I'm new on online forums and am worried about posting identifying information but will bring out more details when I'm comfortable in case it's helpful for others to read. Needless to say; after writing down a timeline and journal of sorts of our "relationship" I have realised how many red flags and poor behaviour (not indicative of his marital status more cruelty to others, belittling treatment of me and even some rather concerning controlling behaviour) that I ignored. This is what worries me; that I ignored this and continued with him regardless in addition to continuing to talk to him for couple of weeks after his admission. I really need to focus on my reasons for this; I usually date alpha males but am good at working out when they are defective and moving on quickly - this time I wonder if I made a conscious decision to ignore my concerns. Why!? It may be turning 34 and being divorced with no children. I've spent years building my career and maybe I'm suddenly terrified that I've missed my opportunity at a family so was willing to settle to achieve it? My mother was diagnosed with cancer the month prior too so maybe I was vulnerable emotionally in that regard too? Link to post Share on other sites
OldRover Posted August 6, 2015 Share Posted August 6, 2015 Ha! No but he should have, I was just in shock with the whole situation so didn't react at all. It's typical blame shifting behaviour; I am actually starting to wonder if he has narcissistic personality disorder - not just some tendencies but an actual PD- I know many women claim this about exes but I'm somewhat qualified to make this call and much of his behaviour exhibits many of the warning signs - even with a short observation period. He's tried to contact me the last few days too, minimising, apologising then lashing out when he doesn't get a reaction it's very tiring. I wish I could go into more detail here but I'm new on online forums and am worried about posting identifying information but will bring out more details when I'm comfortable in case it's helpful for others to read. Needless to say; after writing down a timeline and journal of sorts of our "relationship" I have realised how many red flags and poor behaviour (not indicative of his marital status more cruelty to others, belittling treatment of me and even some rather concerning controlling behaviour) that I ignored. This is what worries me; that I ignored this and continued with him regardless in addition to continuing to talk to him for couple of weeks after his admission. I really need to focus on my reasons for this; I usually date alpha males but am good at working out when they are defective and moving on quickly - this time I wonder if I made a conscious decision to ignore my concerns. Why!? It may be turning 34 and being divorced with no children. I've spent years building my career and maybe I'm suddenly terrified that I've missed my opportunity at a family so was willing to settle to achieve it? My mother was diagnosed with cancer the month prior too so maybe I was vulnerable emotionally in that regard too? Winter, It's SO EASY to see red flags and ignore them, thinking that they're not a factor, only to have they come back and smack you in the face. I'm SURE many of us here have done just exactly that, including myself, and thought that they could "overcome" the red flags and fix them. VERY difficult to do. So, just accept that as a mistake that a lot of us make, and get it behind you. You are still very young and have a whole life ahead, so you have time to heal, and find someone that's right for you without the flags. You're in a very desirable age range. Take advantage of that. Keep us posted on your progress. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
E-Heart Posted August 6, 2015 Share Posted August 6, 2015 Ha! No but he should have, I was just in shock with the whole situation so didn't react at all. It's typical blame shifting behaviour; I am actually starting to wonder if he has narcissistic personality disorder - not just some tendencies but an actual PD- I know many women claim this about exes but I'm somewhat qualified to make this call and much of his behaviour exhibits many of the warning signs - even with a short observation period. He's tried to contact me the last few days too, minimising, apologising then lashing out when he doesn't get a reaction it's very tiring. I wish I could go into more detail here but I'm new on online forums and am worried about posting identifying information but will bring out more details when I'm comfortable in case it's helpful for others to read. Needless to say; after writing down a timeline and journal of sorts of our "relationship" I have realised how many red flags and poor behaviour (not indicative of his marital status more cruelty to others, belittling treatment of me and even some rather concerning controlling behaviour) that I ignored. This is what worries me; that I ignored this and continued with him regardless in addition to continuing to talk to him for couple of weeks after his admission. I really need to focus on my reasons for this; I usually date alpha males but am good at working out when they are defective and moving on quickly - this time I wonder if I made a conscious decision to ignore my concerns. Why!? It may be turning 34 and being divorced with no children. I've spent years building my career and maybe I'm suddenly terrified that I've missed my opportunity at a family so was willing to settle to achieve it? My mother was diagnosed with cancer the month prior too so maybe I was vulnerable emotionally in that regard too? You have not missed any opportunity! I'm 31, divorced last year and no children, and I'm just starting to build a new career (I should be done in 7 years). There's still plenty of time to meet someone and have a family! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author winterkeep Posted August 7, 2015 Author Share Posted August 7, 2015 Thank you Rover and E Heart; that's exactly what I needed to hear 1 Link to post Share on other sites
kieraglass Posted August 7, 2015 Share Posted August 7, 2015 He does sound like a narcissist. Please don't be hard on yourself. You sound so intelligent, and well spoken, and good hearted. Narcissists love people like this. I think of them as psychic vampires, or Pacman, eating up all the good that they can get and growing stronger from it. I'm so sorry about your mother. I'm betting you WERE in a very vulnerable place because of her diagnosis. I hope she is doing alright. Be happy you dodged a bullet with this guy. What a piece of work. Link to post Share on other sites
kieraglass Posted August 7, 2015 Share Posted August 7, 2015 Winter, here's a towel, one bar of soap, bowl and spoon. Lunch is served promptly at noon. You're allowed one thing to read, book or periodical. Recess, one hour in the morning. Good conduct gets you privileges. My name's Doc, pleased to meet ya'. Off topic, but. .... First time I've laughed outloud reading on this forum. At two a.m, exhausted but unable to sleep, no less. Well played. Link to post Share on other sites
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