How MBTI personality types cope with being dumped?

[finalendeavor]

Anyone familiar with the 16 different personality types? I am an INTJ, and researching how this personality type handles interpersonal relationships has helped me cope with being left much more easily. Any fellow INTJ's out there? Have you been dumped, particularly without closure? How did you cope?

[Speirling]

I'm intp, and I think the idea is very interesting! Framing it in mbti terms, my enfj (iirc) ex is having a very different experience! Certainly I need to be on my own and process- many "e" friends are desperate for me to get on tinder and start partying with them! (I'm outgoing, and I like socialising, but I don't have the spare energy right now). Definitely the "t" side is making a difference- any new information I get leads to analysis verging on obsession... Yesterday collecting the last of my things from our flat while he was at work and seeing the 24 pack of condoms by our bed, for example, has led to 24 hours of processing so far... I definitely think that mbti could affect how useful/easy/rational people perceive NC as being- the way I work it's an incredibly painful necessity.

 

No closure is a struggle for me too, but I know he can't give me that. What have you learned about your response?

 

Sxxx

[DK666]

Anyone familiar with the 16 different personality types? I am an INTJ, and researching how this personality type handles interpersonal relationships has helped me cope with being left much more easily. Any fellow INTJ's out there? Have you been dumped, particularly without closure? How did you cope?

 

I am an INTJ also. I've had my heart broken 3 times in the last 3 years, and the last time before that was 5 years prior. The first one took me 6 months to get over, but that was a months long relationship. The second relationship was 4 years and took me 8 months to get over. The last 2 breakups have been with the same girl, we got back together after a month the first time, and now I'm 6 weeks out of this latest one.

 

This latest one has been the worst one I've had so far. She lied to me for months, I suspect she was lining up her new partner in the months leading up to it, and she started seeing him within weeks of us breaking up, not to mention she's already introduced him to her kids within weeks, where it took 5 months for me to be introduced to them.

 

So, all these things have made it hurt a hell of a lot more, but it's also helped me move on a bit quicker. I'm finding myself having far more up days than bad at the moment, although I'm sure I'll have plenty of down days to come, but at the moment 6 weeks out I could be a lot worse. I'm 36 so I don't know how much my age is a factor, experience etc, but I'm already starting to see light at the end of the tunnel, how long it will take to get there is another story though.

 

I haven't had much closure, she gave me a ton of different reasons for breakup, which makes me thing she was trying really hard to justify it to herself. She was never a very open person even in the relationship, we always struggled with her communication, so I don't really expect any better now she doesn't need to talk to me. I'm comforted by the fact that this new relationship of hers will likely self-destruct, I'm aware of what her new guy is like and it's not likely to end well (he's a serial cheater etc), and that has helped me move on as well and give me something to look forward to, so I can tell her exactly where to go if she ever decides to speak to me again, as I intend to be fully moved on by then.

 

As for general coping, I've found it hard to get motivation to hit the gym etc although I am cycling more. I am seeing and speaking to friends a lot, and going out more. I've been messing around with OND although it's not easy in my area as many girls/women are pretentious and spoilt, but as I mentioned in another thread I've had interest from a girl in the US (I'm in UK), nothing will come of it, but the boost I'm getting to my self-esteem is sorely needed, considering that this US girl is far better looking and far more open than my ex .

 

As an INTJ I've always struggled with my emotions, it's been a source of anxiety and depression for me for years. People often think that we don't feel them though as we come off aloof, but the problem is we feel them too much and have to make an effort to shut them down.

 

I'm interested to see what other people have to say about this, it's an interesting topic.

[finalendeavor]

As an INTJ I've always struggled with my emotions, it's been a source of anxiety and depression for me for years. People often think that we don't feel them though as we come off aloof, but the problem is we feel them too much and have to make an effort to shut them down.

 

This really, really stood out to me. Everyone seems to think I'm very cold, calculated, and somewhat of an *******, but that's not entirely the case. My ex was able to break down my walls enough to know that underneath my cold exterior, I feel things very intensely, that the feeling of rejection is sort of my kryptonite. I think that's why how he acted hurt me so badly; he knew that it would because of how I am. I'm strongly inclined to reach out to him today by re-adding him on Facebook, attempting to rationalize it and listen to my intuition (intuition and rationale both making me feel like he truly would miss me and regret it). My tendency to overthink is causing me to think so many conflicting thoughts. The doubt and justified fear of rejection is what is causing me to leave it be; I will likely regret reaching out to him. I'm telling myself that if he wants to reach out, he will.

 

 

Past relationships have always been difficult for me to get over, always. Interpersonal connections mean a lot to me, as I have a difficult time making them; this causes me to hold onto relationships with unwavering determination.

 

I think the upside with INTJ personality types is that we likely appear "hard to get" and "mysterious", even to people that have dumped us. I feel like we are prone to having exes come back; I have yet to determine if this can be a generally accepted truth, or if my theory only stems from personal experience. I think certain personality types are more likely to leave lasting impressions on people they connect with, if that makes sense.

[DK666]

This really, really stood out to me. Everyone seems to think I'm very cold, calculated, and somewhat of an *******, but that's not entirely the case. My ex was able to break down my walls enough to know that underneath my cold exterior, I feel things very intensely, that the feeling of rejection is sort of my kryptonite. I think that's why how he acted hurt me so badly; he knew that it would because of how I am. I'm strongly inclined to reach out to him today by re-adding him on Facebook, attempting to rationalize it and listen to my intuition (intuition and rationale both making me feel like he truly would miss me and regret it). My tendency to overthink is causing me to think so many conflicting thoughts. The doubt and justified fear of rejection is what is causing me to leave it be; I will likely regret reaching out to him. I'm telling myself that if he wants to reach out, he will.

 

 

Past relationships have always been difficult for me to get over, always. Interpersonal connections mean a lot to me, as I have a difficult time making them; this causes me to hold onto relationships with unwavering determination.

 

I think the upside with INTJ personality types is that we likely appear "hard to get" and "mysterious", even to people that have dumped us. I feel like we are prone to having exes come back; I have yet to determine if this can be a generally accepted truth, or if my theory only stems from personal experience. I think certain personality types are more likely to leave lasting impressions on people they connect with, if that makes sense.

 

We appear to be very similar, people have often said to me that I look angry, but I'm not! The fact that I have astigmatism in both eyes doesn't help, because it always looks like I'm frowning when I try to focus lol.

 

With regards to relationships, I've had 3, and the first 2 came back, nothing happened but they did reach out to me, I am actually good friends now with the 2nd to last ex and we discuss our current relationships a lot with each other, in-fact I'm her go-to male friend for stuff like this, so yeah I would guess that we do make an impression.

 

I definitely overthink things a lot too, stick to NC, you are right in that if he wants to reach out then he will. I am doing that too, even though it's so damn hard. It will get easier, the trouble is keeping the mind occupied, you are already doing all the right things from what I've read so it's just a case of powering through it.

 

Edit: Do you know what type your ex was? Mine was ISFJ, and from what I've found out it seems our relationship was doomed from the start..

Edited August 5, 2015 by DK666

[finalendeavor]

We appear to be very similar, people have often said to me that I look angry, but I'm not! The fact that I have astigmatism in both eyes doesn't help, because it always looks like I'm frowning when I try to focus lol.

 

With regards to relationships, I've had 3, and the first 2 came back, nothing happened but they did reach out to me, I am actually good friends now with the 2nd to last ex and we discuss our current relationships a lot with each other, in-fact I'm her go-to male friend for stuff like this, so yeah I would guess that we do make an impression.

 

I definitely overthink things a lot too, stick to NC, you are right in that if he wants to reach out then he will. I am doing that too, even though it's so damn hard. It will get easier, the trouble is keeping the mind occupied, you are already doing all the right things from what I've read so it's just a case of powering through it.

 

Edit: Do you know what type your ex was? Mine was ISFJ, and from what I've found out it seems our relationship was doomed from the start..

 

That bit about looking angry, hahaha. I'm told I've got a rather predatory stare. Where the exes that reached out to you ones that dumped you? It's always the ones that have dumped me that make a reappearance. I'm so upfront and set in my decision when I dump someone that my dumpees typically never show back up. Us INTJ's overalayze the hell out of everything, it's so difficult. Particularly because I feel like at any given time, I'm feeling several different emotions.

 

I suspect my ex might have been an INTJ as well, possibly with either an E instead of an I or a P instead of a J. We never doubted for a second how similar we were, we could practically read each other's minds, complete each other's sentences. I actually think it was his over thinking that ruined the relationship. He claimed he had an epiphany that moving in is too similar to marriage, but that long distance would just never work. I've heard that INTJ + INTJ relationships are a recipe for disaster, as we tend to be pretty poor at expressing our emotions. It's possible that we could've been too similar. I do occasionally doubt that he was INTJ though, because he would believe things he knew had no logical basis. I remember when he told me he was religious, even though he knew if he thought too much about it, he wouldn't believe in a higher power; he said "believing" helped him get through the day. He was an odd ball; I wish there was a way to for sure know his personality type, so I could understand better. However, he did cut me off after dumping me, something I consider to be in line with INTJ behavior. I haven't heard a singular peep since the break up, it has been almost six weeks.

 

About your ex being an ISFJ; I read somewhere that for a relationship to truly work, the two middle traits have to be the same. That intuitive thinking types have to be with other intuitive thinking types. I think it's interesting that you were able to effectively connect with an SF; I've found SF types to be extremely difficult to relate with.

Edited August 5, 2015 by finalendeavor

[RoseVille]

MBTI is more about how you take in and process information, not about something as intricate and personal as romantic feelings and hurts.

[DK666]

That bit about looking angry, hahaha. I'm told I've got a rather predatory stare. Where the exes that reached out to you ones that dumped you? It's always the ones that have dumped me that make a reappearance. I'm so upfront and set in my decision when I dump someone that my dumpees typically never show back up. Us INTJ's overalayze the hell out of everything, it's so difficult. Particularly because I feel like at any given time, I'm feeling several different emotions.

 

I suspect my ex might have been an INTJ as well, possibly with either an E instead of an I or a P instead of a J. We never doubted for a second how similar we were, we could practically read each other's minds, complete each other's sentences. I actually think it was his over thinking that ruined the relationship. He claimed he had an epiphany that moving in is too similar to marriage, but that long distance would just never work. I've heard that INTJ + INTJ relationships are a recipe for disaster, as we tend to be pretty poor at expressing our emotions. It's possible that we could've been too similar. I do occasionally doubt that he was INTJ though, because he would believe things he knew had no logical basis. I remember when he told me he was religious, even though he knew if he thought too much about it, he wouldn't believe in a higher power; he said "believing" helped him get through the day. He was an odd ball; I wish there was a way to for sure know his personality type, so I could understand better. However, he did cut me off after dumping me, something I consider to be in line with INTJ behavior. I haven't heard a singular peep since the break up, it has been almost six weeks.

 

About your ex being an ISFJ; I read somewhere that for a relationship to truly work, the two middle traits have to be the same. That intuitive thinking types have to be with other intuitive thinking types. I think it's interesting that you were able to effectively connect with an SF; I've found SF types to be extremely difficult to relate with.

 

I've always been the dumpee, so yeah they were both the dumpers who reached out to me, and one of them is the one I am good friends with now, she was actually there for me the last time I broke up with this latest ex, and she's been there for me again this time. If this latest breakup hadn't been so bad, and she hadn't moved on so fast I would have said that I expected her to reach out to me at some point, but with her sister hating me and whispering in her ear all the time as well I'm not sure I see it happening.

 

Interesting about the two middle traits needing to be the same, I never knew that. I've never studied MBTI in depth that much, just enough to know my type, and my ex's type. We connected very strongly initially, but she pulled away every 5 or 6 months for reasons I have never figured out, although after every time she pulled away, we would sort things out and it would be great again, apart from this time obviously. Edit: I should add that I have worked hard at expressing my emotions more and being more communicative and supportive with my partners, maybe that had something to do with why it worked for so long with my latest ex.

 

It seems we both picked the wrong types to suit us lol.

[finalendeavor]

I've always been the dumpee, so yeah they were both the dumpers who reached out to me, and one of them is the one I am good friends with now, she was actually there for me the last time I broke up with this latest ex, and she's been there for me again this time. If this latest breakup hadn't been so bad, and she hadn't moved on so fast I would have said that I expected her to reach out to me at some point, but with her sister hating me and whispering in her ear all the time as well I'm not sure I see it happening.

 

Interesting about the two middle traits needing to be the same, I never knew that. I've never studied MBTI in depth that much, just enough to know my type, and my ex's type. We connected very strongly initially, but she pulled away every 5 or 6 months for reasons I have never figured out, although after every time she pulled away, we would sort things out and it would be great again, apart from this time obviously. Edit: I should add that I have worked hard at expressing my emotions more and being more communicative and supportive with my partners, maybe that had something to do with why it worked for so long with my latest ex.

 

It seems we both picked the wrong types to suit us lol.

 

 

 

I'm still up in the air about whether or not I think my most recent dumper will contact me. I could definitely see it going either way. Awkward that his best friends still will not leave me be though; almost like rubbing salt in a festering wound.

 

I know it's not entirely relevant, but I've always wondered what it is that makes people pull away so randomly. People will speculate, say that it's because they're afraid of getting close, because they found someone new, etc. etc., but I still don't understand how some people are so capable of flipping their interest on and off like a light switch.

 

 

See, I worked towards communication in my latest relationship, which I feel like inevitably made him leave quicker. Guess I weeded out a jackass. Basically left as soon as I confronted him about his distant behavior. It was like he threw a tantrum and ran away because we reached a bit of turbulence. I will never understand people that can just throw something away because it's not 100% desirable at the time/ because they've got personal problems in their life. I've always been one to try and make a relationship work right up until the point that I absolutely can't. I think impulsive dumpers always try to make a reappearance; myself, on the other hand- I've never went back to a dumpee.

Edited August 7, 2015 by finalendeavor

[DK666]

I'm still up in the air about whether or not I think my most recent dumper will contact me. I could definitely see it going either way. Awkward that his best friends still will not leave me be though; almost like rubbing salt in a festering wound.

 

I know it's not entirely relevant, but I've always wondered what it is that makes people pull away so randomly. People will speculate, say that it's because they're afraid of getting close, because they found someone new, etc. etc., but I still don't understand how some people are so capable of flipping their interest on and off like a light switch.

 

 

See, I worked towards communication in my latest relationship, which I feel like inevitably made him leave quicker. Guess I weeded out a jackass. Basically left as soon as I confronted him about his distant behavior. It was like he threw a tantrum and ran away because we reached a bit of turbulence. I will never understand people that can just throw something away because it's not 100% desirable at the time/ because they've got personal problems in their life. I've always been one to try and make a relationship work right up until the point that I absolutely can't. I think impulsive dumpers always try to make a reappearance; myself, on the other hand- I've never went back to a dumpee.

 

I feel like this is exactly what happened with me. I worked so hard on my communication also, but she did not. She started becoming distant, going out on girl nights way more often than usual, and yet when I tried to talk to her about it I felt like I was talking to a brick wall, she had practically no empathy for my situation and didn't appear to care. Aside from the last couple of months (last year's breakup aside) I thought things were going great. So yeah, I feel like she gave up way too easily, although knowing now that she jumped into another relationship within 2 weeks makes me kinda suspicious, she always said she was a terrible liar, but part of me is thinking I've been deceived from the start.

 

I'm curious to see if my ex does make an appearance, as while she did have someone lined up it was at least partly impulsive, knowing our relationship I'm not sure how she could have lined it up that fast. And from what I've seen of her since then, I'm not entirely convinced that the switch is flipped. I mentioned in yet another thread on her how my ex looked incredibly jealous and practically stalked me in a club when I was dancing with another girl, this was after the time she had supposedly moved on with her new guy. Maybe it's just they can put on a good front when they have time to prepare, but when there is alcohol involved it's a lot harder to maintain the facade, just a hunch though.

 

With her best friends though, all I get from them is ****ty remarks as I walk past them sometimes, never a word from her though. What are you ex's friends doing with regards to not leaving you be?

Edited August 7, 2015 by DK666

[finalendeavor]

I feel like this is exactly what happened with me. I worked so hard on my communication also, but she did not. She started becoming distant, going out on girl nights way more often than usual, and yet when I tried to talk to her about it I felt like I was talking to a brick wall, she had practically no empathy for my situation and didn't appear to care. Aside from the last couple of months (last year's breakup aside) I thought things were going great. So yeah, I feel like she gave up way too easily, although knowing now that she jumped into another relationship within 2 weeks makes me kinda suspicious, she always said she was a terrible liar, but part of me is thinking I've been deceived from the start.

 

I'm curious to see if my ex does make an appearance, as while she did have someone lined up it was at least partly impulsive, knowing our relationship I'm not sure how she could have lined it up that fast. And from what I've seen of her since then, I'm not entirely convinced that the switch is flipped. I mentioned in yet another thread on her how my ex looked incredibly jealous and practically stalked me in a club when I was dancing with another girl, this was after the time she had supposedly moved on with her new guy. Maybe it's just they can put on a good front when they have time to prepare, but when there is alcohol involved it's a lot harder to maintain the facade, just a hunch though.

 

With her best friends though, all I get from them is ****ty remarks as I walk past them sometimes, never a word from her though. What are you ex's friends doing with regards to not leaving you be?

 

 

I think this is beyond accurate.

 

 

People are so strange; the world would be such an easier place if people could just be outright with how they feel. There's no need to hide anything. If you don't want to be with someone, don't be, and explain respectively. His friends just try to passively keep me around. It was LDR, and they're still friends with me on Facebook, always commenting on my posts, adding me on Xbox live, etc. It's the strangest thing ever. I know they wanted us to work out really badly because of the happiness I seemed to bring my ex, but he still hasn't spoken a word to me, after six weeks. It's tough when everyone seems to support/ think the world of me except him.

[DK666]

I think this is beyond accurate.

 

 

People are so strange; the world would be such an easier place if people could just be outright with how they feel. There's no need to hide anything. If you don't want to be with someone, don't be, and explain respectively. His friends just try to passively keep me around. It was LDR, and they're still friends with me on Facebook, always commenting on my posts, adding me on Xbox live, etc. It's the strangest thing ever. I know they wanted us to work out really badly because of the happiness I seemed to bring my ex, but he still hasn't spoken a word to me, after six weeks. It's tough when everyone seems to support/ think the world of me except him.

 

I don't think you're doing yourself any favors by keeping his friends on FB, Xbox etc. As soon as my ex deleted/blocked me on FB I then did the same with all of her friends on my FB, I should have done it to start with to be honest but I was still hoping for reconciliation.

 

6 weeks for me too (today actually), I had a bit of a meltdown during the breakup though which started with a nasty argument with her sister, so all her friends and family have told me what an idiot I am. Shame they can only see one side of it without realising what the sister had done. I can't really blame them though for sticking up for her.

[finalendeavor]

I don't think you're doing yourself any favors by keeping his friends on FB, Xbox etc. As soon as my ex deleted/blocked me on FB I then did the same with all of her friends on my FB, I should have done it to start with to be honest but I was still hoping for reconciliation.

 

6 weeks for me too (today actually), I had a bit of a meltdown during the breakup though which started with a nasty argument with her sister, so all her friends and family have told me what an idiot I am. Shame they can only see one side of it without realising what the sister had done. I can't really blame them though for sticking up for her.

 

 

 

I don't understand why they're still trying to stick around. I do nothing but ignore them. It's been like this since the breakup, I've never seen anything like it before. Usually when a guy dumps you, you're downgraded to the lowest spot on the proverbial totem pole; the friends treat you that way too, in my experiences.

 

6 week for you too? We can be breakup buddies. I hate that I can't stop speculating over whether or not I'll hear from him, how long it might take, etc. None of it really matters, I'm just running myself into the ground.

 

I'm sorry you had a bit of a meltdown; that's rough. I hate that he dumped me over text, but at least it spared me from looking like a crying wreck in front on him. Friends and relatives are always funny like that. My support network insists that I did nothing wrong and that the breakup had nothing to do with me personally; I can't tell whether they actually think that, or whether they're just trying to pump me full of sunshine.

[DK666]

I don't understand why they're still trying to stick around. I do nothing but ignore them. It's been like this since the breakup, I've never seen anything like it before. Usually when a guy dumps you, you're downgraded to the lowest spot on the proverbial totem pole; the friends treat you that way too, in my experiences.

 

6 week for you too? We can be breakup buddies. I hate that I can't stop speculating over whether or not I'll hear from him, how long it might take, etc. None of it really matters, I'm just running myself into the ground.

 

I'm sorry you had a bit of a meltdown; that's rough. I hate that he dumped me over text, but at least it spared me from looking like a crying wreck in front on him. Friends and relatives are always funny like that. My support network insists that I did nothing wrong and that the breakup had nothing to do with me personally; I can't tell whether they actually think that, or whether they're just trying to pump me full of sunshine.

 

I'm in the same position with the speculating, though this last week on that front it has gotten a bit easier; just another thing that will fade with time I guess (hope).

 

Being pumped full of sunshine is a start, fake it till you make it.

[finalendeavor]

I'm in the same position with the speculating, though this last week on that front it has gotten a bit easier; just another thing that will fade with time I guess (hope).

 

Being pumped full of sunshine is a start, fake it till you make it.

 

The catch 22 here, is that regardless of why the dumping occurred, it's always personal to a degree because that person still thinks that they would be better off without you; so much so that they're able to let you go. I miss him, and I'm mad at myself for it because he treated me like absolute dirt those last few days, and I know I'm so much better than that; I know I'm a catch.

 

Good luck to you though, I hope you find someone as wonderful as you seem to be, whether that person is your ex, or a new face (: