Another stupid MM - my story

[No Limit]

Why would you prefer an OW who was in a relationship? You just helped hurting a 4th person.

[truncated]

op,

if you do indeed have depression, and if you and your wife decide together that the marriage is what you both want, I would highly suggest that she seeks some counseling for herself as well.

 

Living with someone with depression can be a very draining experience ( not your fault) and she may need someone to talk to as well.

 

btw, here are a couple of short videos you might find helpful in dealing with your own "black dog" (they are really helpful in understanding depression )

 

 

 

[Mr. Lucky]

Why would you prefer an OW who was in a relationship? You just helped hurting a 4th person.

 

I'll have to admit, I got an ironic chuckle out of the 7 layers of contradiction involved in fearing a "single" OW. She might actually believe the promises made to her...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Furious]

Hi everyone

 

Yes, I am another idiot MM who has got himself into a real mess.

 

I must say first of all say how great LS is. It’s amazing how similar people’s stories can be, and there is a lot of support and advice out there. The only problem with LS – we only seek it when we are already in desperate trouble! I wish there was a law that forced couples to spend a day browsing on here before they marry! I wonder how many As and/or bad marriages would be prevented. Certainly, I wish I had visited here years ago.

 

Anyway, I would appreciate anyone reading my story and posting comments. I expect to get flamed and I deserve it, but any compassion and advice would also be very welcome. I still have power to limit damage, so constructive suggestions would be most welcome.

 

I am a MM with children, and the big issue for me (the precursor for my eventual A) is that soon after marrying, some obvious incompatibilities became apparent between me and my W regarding very key decisions such as where we live, etc. We got together very young and spent many years as BF/GF, not properly living together until we married (big mistake I now see).

 

When we got married, I felt that I was doing all the compromising, and was completely powerless to make big decisions (W has pretty much acknowledge this). I felt trapped and sank into a depression. I didn’t want to give up just after marrying after so many happy years as BF/GF, and we were already around 30, plus kids arrived quickly. So I took the approach that things will get better, I just have to suffer it for now, and it would eventually be OK. As my W was inflexible, there seemed no point discussing things – either I accepted it, or we would have to acknowledge that we were incompatible. So I swallowed my issues and became depressed…..for years. Ironically, it is when I eventually started to feel better that I got into the A.

 

I'm not sure why my depression lifted, but suddenly, I was happier and light enough to do things in my spare time. Previously I had no interest in anything other than sitting around watching TV and hiding my depression (so unhealthy I know). I enrolled in night classes, started losing weight (which had ballooned during my depression), meeting new people and being friendly and chatty for the first time in years. I started chatting to my tutor from the gym. She had a long-term BF, and like me her relationship was OK, but not perfect. We chatted to each other and even became a bit flirty. The fact that we each had partners made it seem OK, that nothing could come with it. Well, you can guess what happened next.

 

I have already written a lot, so I will keep the next bit short because it is a textbook case! We started chatting, flirting and connecting more and more, it eventually became physical, and before we knew it we couldn’t get enough of each other. So many of the classic clichés that we see on these forums are true of my A…..started as friends, became soul-mates, she felt like 'the one', didn’t mean it to happen, tried to stop, so in love, etc, etc. I know it’s pathetic.

 

We started to get into that A fog, more and more needy, more lies, more sneaking around, taking less care to cover our tracks. Then a couple of months ago, D-Day. Her BF discovered us and walked away immediately. Things had already become very difficult, but now it was a nightmare and the dynamic changed between us. She became more and more needy and had more spare time. She was now the classic single OW. We stumbled on for a while not really knowing what to do. I was uncomfortable at having a single OW, but needed her too much to let her go, and she needed me more than ever.

 

With all the stress, I barely knew left from right and I too was discovered by my W. She was actually very good about it, acknowledged her part in isolating me and wanted us to try again, especially as we have children. The OW has made it very clear that she wants to be with me, and I am completely lost. All my original depression issues from years ago have come back worse than ever, plus a whole load more concerned with my OW situation. I feel on the verge of a breakdown, and I’ve only got myself to blame.

 

I do love the OW and think of her constantly, but I feel I have to free her from this horrible situation, and can’t keep her hanging on. I also care so much for my family and am so ashamed that I have compromised their position so appallingly with my selfish actions. I won’t just leave them to go straight to the OW – I think it would be disastrous for everyone in the long term. Yes, I realise that it is sickening to appear to be moral now when I didn't think of anyone but myself when all this started.

 

I think the only reasonable thing to do is to end things as they are now with the OW and finally start facing my issues at home rather than running away and swallowing them into my depression all the time. I want to be honest with my wife, discuss why I ended up in an A, try connecting with her. I cannot allow myself to sink into years more depression; almost all my 30s were spent depressed – it just became the norm and I accepted it. But life is too short for that. If I find that I can’t be happy in my marriage, I will try to end it with some dignity and not with an OW waiting in the wings.

 

I would be very grateful for any comments, and good luck to everyone with you own issues.

 

 

I doubt you ever intended to divorce your wife, and when your OW's boyfriend caught her cheating he dumped her immediately. That must have thrown you for a loop because all the "i love you" you said to her suddenly were not just words and she called you on it. The affair was on even ground, two cheaters with a partner, but suddenly she's available 24/7 and you bailed on her.

 

Now, you're trying to do right by your marriage and children, and now single OW is a liability. Sure you miss her, sure you miss the affair, and sure you miss the fun and excitement of cheating. But now reality has spoiled all the fun. You wanted an affair not another wife in which you'd have to divorce the first wife, pay child support, shuffle the kids between two homes and first wife to blame for your depression. I read some of your previous posts, you mentioned one of your children is special needs and that can be hugely stressful on a marriage and I wonder if your wife was more involved in caring for the kids than you were while you were out at the gym getting friendly with the OW.

 

Also how do you feel about the OW's boyfriend who you willingly betrayed him along with Ow. Does being a depressed MM give you licence to sleep with his girlfriend.

 

Maybe your depression stems from not be able to handle reality, maybe your coping skills are lacking when it comes to riding out the tough times. Of course the affair lifted your depression, it's all fun and exciting with no real commitment.

 

Your post is typical of someone who feels entitled, and it smacks of arrogance to insinuate that you're giving your mean incompatible wife a second chance. You made it clear she's partly responsible for your depression, which sounds like blame shifting hogwash.

[waterwoman]

Your post is typical of someone who feels entitled, and it smacks of arrogance to insinuate that you're giving your mean incompatible wife a second chance. You made it clear she's partly responsible for your depression, which sounds like blame shifting hogwash.

 

Yep! You subtly imply that whilst you know that you did wrong it was your wife's fault and aren't you a good sort for giving her a second chance! You are NOT. You are lucky. She is forbearing and generous. Be worthy of her, be a decent man, and be remorseful and give her your all, stop with the effing blame-shifting. Alternatively stop with the breast beating and false mea culpa and ask for a divorce.

[Popsicle]

Do you have a question?

 

Your wife has already decided to stay with you, so it sounds like you just want to know how to dump the OW without her taking revenge.

 

Good luck with that. Some women do get very upset and take revenge, but some don't. You'll just have to do it and find out, but always do it nicely and with as much kindness as you can.

[Hope Shimmers]

I don't think your problem is incompatibility with your wife so much as that your married life was different than what your expectations were. There is no such thing as a "soul mate". Also, if you were clinically depressed at that time, then it becomes very complicated to sort out how much of what you were unhappy about was due to your wife specifically, and how much was from your disease.

 

What I think you need to do is end things with your OW and let her find her own peace and a real relationship. Then, focus on your marriage. I don't believe that there is some perfect person out there who will make you happy every day of your life. You would just be trading one set of problems in for another, and with your wife you have history and children. That's what you need to focus on, prioritize, and work through. OW was an escape.

[Mr. Lucky]

Yep! You subtly imply that whilst you know that you did wrong it was your wife's fault and aren't you a good sort for giving her a second chance! You are NOT. You are lucky. She is forbearing and generous. Be worthy of her, be a decent man, and be remorseful and give her your all, stop with the effing blame-shifting. Alternatively stop with the breast beating and false mea culpa and ask for a divorce.

 

For many WS, DDay brings surprisingly few changes. They're still trying to figure out how to keep all the balls in the air and manage things on multiple fronts. For the OP, being caught was actually to his advantage - he's living the same life, just more in the open now...

 

Mr. Lucky

[waterwoman]

Sorry for being peevish OP, it's just your post hit a very sensitive nerve. For many BS one of their worst fears after agreeing to try to reconcile is that their WS isn't all in, is silently resentful for being forced to give up the A and blaming the BS for it all. I lived with that fear for a long time - it took several years for me finally 100% beleive H was where he REALLY wanted to be and in that time I often felt unsafe and under immense stress. It's not good.

 

Let me tell you something about affairs from the perspective of the BS. They are the ultimate f*** you! The individually crafted personalised punishment for the BS failures. 'If you had been good enough this wouldn't have happened!' Thing is I have never come across a marriage where all the faults are on one side. Not once. I'm not saying there aren't marriages where a perfect princess is married to an ogre, or Prince Charming is married to Grendels mum... But I'd say they are rare. When one spouse has an affair and tries to pin the reasons for it on their partner they are being disingenuous and grossly unfair. It pours the blinding light if day over one set of faults while leaving the other in shadow.

 

There will come a time when your w stops looking at her own faults and trying to excuse you, and she will get angry. That is where you need your remorse and your strength and your love and you will need to eat **** and be there for her no matter what! No good saying 'but darling, have you forgotten its was your fault?'..... It's going to get tough. Which is why I say be there 100% or get off the proverbial pot and chase after miss perfect. Leave your wife to heal in peace.

[Cloudcuckoo]

Sorry for being peevish OP, it's just your post hit a very sensitive nerve. For many BS one of their worst fears after agreeing to try to reconcile is that their WS isn't all in, is silently resentful for being forced to give up the A and blaming the BS for it all. I lived with that fear for a long time - it took several years for me finally 100% beleive H was where he REALLY wanted to be and in that time I often felt unsafe and under immense stress. It's not good.

 

Let me tell you something about affairs from the perspective of the BS. They are the ultimate f*** you! The individually crafted personalised punishment for the BS failures. 'If you had been good enough this wouldn't have happened!' Thing is I have never come across a marriage where all the faults are on one side. Not once. I'm not saying there aren't marriages where a perfect princess is married to an ogre, or Prince Charming is married to Grendels mum... But I'd say they are rare. When one spouse has an affair and tries to pin the reasons for it on their partner they are being disingenuous and grossly unfair. It pours the blinding light if day over one set of faults while leaving the other in shadow.

 

There will come a time when your w stops looking at her own faults and trying to excuse you, and she will get angry. That is where you need your remorse and your strength and your love and you will need to eat **** and be there for her no matter what! No good saying 'but darling, have you forgotten its was your fault?'..... It's going to get tough. Which is why I say be there 100% or get off the proverbial pot and chase after miss perfect. Leave your wife to heal in peace.

 

 

What a remarkable post and all so very true! Well said!

 

Cuckoo

[jenkins95]

Hi everyone

 

OP here again. I'm humbled and overwhelmed by the number of people who have given my thread their time, thought and consideration and for the high quality and insightfulness of almost all contributions. It's amazing how so many individual small comments have struck such a chord. Some of you appear to know and read me better than I can myself. I have a lot more to add, and lots of individual responses to write. I have very little access to the internet until Monday, when I will write a lot more. For now I am reading and re reading all your posts over and over again. It is an incredible support.

 

Thank you so much !

Edited August 7, 2015 by jenkins95

[jenkins95]

 

You display all the characteristics of many who find themselves in affairs; you avoid conflict at all costs. Why? You do not successfully communicate your needs to your spouse. Why?

 

First, you need to work on you in IC. The fact that your wife, after years of your depression, is even giving you this gift, is an amazing testimony to her feelings for you. Don't blow it now, or later when her anger and depression over your betrayal begins to surface.

 

 

Excellent post Spark, and thank you for sharing your thoughts and experience.

 

You are absolutely right - I avoid avoided conflict at all costs and have been a very bad communicator. When I felt down, instead of facing the underlying issue, I just escaped into TV, drinking and comfort eating I became a mess. This went on for years - I almost can't believe it myself. It's completely crazy, and ultimately, it is this that led to my A. I have to change for everyone's sake.

 

As I am so bad at raising awkward conflict issues, do you think it would be a good idea to put my thoughts into a letter and sit with my wife while she reads it? That way, I could take my time to get it right. You see, even when I do try to talk, I get confused and stressed and start to stutter, etc, and often the message doesn't come out as I intended. Perhaps a letter would be a good first step?

[jenkins95]

Jenkins95: you have probably read some stories about MM A here in this website and maybe somewhere else. and just like what you said they are all similar. If you are just like the other 99.99% of MMs, what you were feeling toward the OW is not love is nothing but a need of another sexual R away from the hustle of your Married life in addition to your depression which you related to your married life. A was like a drug to you it make you feel good but won't last. BTW your depression has noting to do with your environment it just piggyback on it, it is a problem in that you have to address.

You need to stop the drug that is A once for all,it's best thing for you, your W and the OW. then seek R with your W apparently she is willing to work with you which is not always the case, you are lucky there, reach out to her immediately and ( if you haven't done it yet) make sure to take full responsibility no excuses and show her remorse. then seek MC or IC. work on yourself as being happy depends only on you being depressed is on you too

 

Thanks qubist. Good post and a reality check. Me and my AP are definitely each other's drug. If I feel a bit down, a call or a few messages gives me that quick 'fix', but it is all so wrong, and will become more addictive.

 

I have taken the first steps to stop this addiction, but it's very very difficult. I will be starting another thread about it later I think, because I really need the support of the excellent members of LS.

[jenkins95]

What exactly do you mean by incompatible?

 

In my OP, I didn't want to bore you with all the specifics of my incompatibily issues, but you guys have overwhelmed me with the time and effort you have given me in response to the OP, so I will say a little more about it here, because I now know how many great people are out there willing to help others. Again, any thoughts would be very welcome.

 

Basically, me and my W are from different cultures. This is the crux of it. When we were BF/GF it was a positive thing, and I really enjoyed learning her language, culture, etc. But the issues started after we got married.....

 

I know see how naive we were as BF/GF. After initially finding out that we both wanted children, and seeing how well we got on, we both took it to mean that we were fully compatible, but life's never that simple, and we both made an assumption about the other that ultimately led to problems.....

 

My assumption: Yes, she is from another culture, but she has chosen to be with someone from outside her culture. That means that in the future, she will be happy to move away from her culture and explore the world a bit.

 

Her assumption: He is really showing great enthusiam for my culture. This means that he will happily live the rest of his life in my culture.

 

It turns out we were both wrong, and it is absolutely crazy to think that we never really discussed such a deep issue when we were BF/GF.....we just drifted on in our happy-go-lucky way.

 

Having studied and got various qualifications at University, I dreamed of travelling the world a little, living in interesting cities and bringing my children up in a multicultural way. But for her, it is essential to stay in her culture, which is very rural, near her family and that her children go to the same school as she went to.

 

This came as a bit of a shock, but I really should have seen it coming because her attitude is typical of people in her culture, which is a minority culture. So I was faced with a choice.....1. leave the marriage, 2. try to get her to compromise, or 3. try to live with and accept it.

 

I desperately didn't want to go for 1 for many reasons. Apart form anything else, we love each other! Also, she was nearly 30 and desperately wanted children. I tried 2 initially, but it was very clear that she couldn't move on her position - there were lots of tears and awkwardness. If I tried to force her to move, then she would become just as unhappy as I was now - the roles would be reversed. So I tried 3. I told myself that I would accept it and settle eventually. As the position was unmovable, there didn't seem any point discussing it further and upsetting her, so I internalised it, dreaming for the day when it would all be OK. I became unfulfilled and depressed and resentful - never resentful of her, but of her culture. I started to suffer from chronic culture shock and I never wanted to go out or do things, but just stay in and become a hermit. As we lived in such a rural location, I had to travel away to work. This distanced me further and made her even more closely bonded with her family and culture.

 

After several years, my depression did lift a little and I felt some acceptance. And what did I do in my wisdom? I fell straight into an A. What a complete idiot!

[Heatherknows]

Thanks qubist. Good post and a reality check. Me and my AP are definitely each other's drug. If I feel a bit down, a call or a few messages gives me that quick 'fix', but it is all so wrong, and will become more addictive.

 

I have taken the first steps to stop this addiction, but it's very very difficult. I will be starting another thread about it later I think, because I really need the support of the excellent members of LS.

 

I have the same addiction. What steps have you taken to stop it? Will that be in your next thread? I really need guidance. LOL.

[jenkins95]

Refreshing to see a WS show such accountability from go. It makes providing feedback easier, and "worth it"

 

SOunds like you already know what the right thing to do is, and plan to do it. The only thing that really stuck out for me was when you said:

 

We got together ..... and spent many years as BF/GF, not properly living together until we married (big mistake I now see).

 

Now, simply apply this prior experience to your new soul-mate. You've spent no real time living with her either. Only doing the happy dance in secret, which I can imagine has been a whole lotta fun! But you don't know her. You really don't. Her boyfriend thought he did, and he cut bait.

 

Her grass is as yellow as yours, her decision making just as flawed, her character just as broken as yours, and this is the only reason you even know her.

 

She had a grasp on two branches, and when one of them broke, she tried to cling to the remaining branch ( you ) with both arms. And now you feel bad because you need to let her fall. Makes sense. I can empathize.

 

Now go hug your kids, apologize whenever the mood strike you, understand that your wife's pain is very real, and that you will need to be very understanding for a very long time.

 

Great post Trusted. Some good honest truths, and this....

 

'We got together ..... and spent many years as BF/GF, not properly living together until we married (big mistake I now see).'

 

.....is an excellent point, which I hadn't even considered!

 

My AP does feel like 'the one', but I am not a teenager and I know that 'soul-mates' and 'the one' is pretty much bull****. But boy, the mind can play tricks on you. I feel like a teenager, but I've got to pull myself back to reality.

[jenkins95]

I have the same addiction. What steps have you taken to stop it? Will that be in your next thread? I really need guidance. LOL.

 

Hi Heather. Yes, I will post again this afternoon. Don't worry, we will get each other through these awfully difficult times. Hang in there!

[jenkins95]

Can I just ask an honest question? Why is it so hard for many married people to end a relationship before taking their pants off and starting another one?

 

Do they feel it's their right to eat cake? At the expense of many lives (wife, AP's boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife, children)?

 

I think it boils down to the character of the individual.

 

You are very fortunate that:

1. Your wife admitted that she needs to improve.

2. Your wife wants to put forth the effort to work on the relationship.

 

I suspect that if you ditched your family and tried to develop a life with your "soul mate", eventually the doldrums of paying bills, childcare, etc, would make that relationship a little less sparkly and you would be looking outside again.

 

Please get IC and get to the root of the problem with yourself. Try MC, hopefully you and your wife can work on those issues too and your children can grow with an intact family.

 

If the problems cannot be resolved, divorce respectfully. Then after you are healed and healthy, move on to another relationship.

 

Best wishes for you and your family.

 

Thanks pondhawk. Again, this is the kind of honest, to the point stuff I need to hear (or read!). I feel very weak and vulnerable and I really need support. I have lined up various friends and family to talk to and am looking into IC in my area. You guys here are also an amazing source of support.

[jenkins95]

First thing I would do if I were you is to see a doctor who is qualified to diagnose and treat depression. Find out for sure if that is what is really going on, and if it it is, then appropriate therapy/ medication may really help.

 

Secondly, stop seeing the ow as a victim of your choices. She made the decisions that got her into the spot she is in all on her own, just as you did.

 

Third, stop lying to your wife. You say you have been honest with her, but it sounds like there is a lot you have left out.

 

Fourth, once you have been completely open and honest with your wife about how you feel and that, baring the kids, you would leave her for the ow ( if that is the case) give her the time she needs to make up her mind about what she wants to do. Also, if you are still seeing the ow, she deserves to know that as well, as it will allow her to have the information she needs to make decisions about her life and what is best for her.

 

Be warned that what she decides to do may not be what you want, and you may well find that the green grass with the ow may suddenly seem dead and yellow if your wife decides she wants out.

 

 

Hi truncated, thanks for you time and your honesty.

 

You ask a very pertinent and awkward question. The kind of question that I need to be honest about. You ask that, barring the kids, would I leave her for the OW. This is a question that I feel like running a mile from, but I know I need to face it full on. The fact is, right at this moment, I don't know. I think that if I told her of all my other issues and she wasn't willing to work with me, then possibly yes. And I'm very ashamed of that. This question alone that you have raised will give me hours of thought. And I thank you sincerely.Now is the time to be completely honest with myself.

[jenkins95]

How old are your kids?

 

 

IF you intend to work with your wife on the marriage - are you prepared to end things completely with your OW?

 

Thanks beach. My kids are around 10 and I accept that there is no way I could work on the marriage with the OW in any way in the picture. But it's so hard to let her go and I know I will be a mess for months afterwards when we end the A. That will be horrible for my W to see me grieving for my A - I'm a disgrace - I know it. I've been very weak.

[jenkins95]

If your wife is willing to forgive you and work with you to make the marriage better, then for the sake of your kids and the love that you still have for your wife it's worth a shot at putting in 100% effort to at least see if you two can fix things and have a better marriage. Maybe this has opened your wife's eye and she'll learn how to compromise and treat you like an equal.

 

Cheating was a mistake and now it's made things worse, two women are hurting and there is a chance your kids may lose out on having you and your wife not together under one roof.

 

Ask the (ex) OW to please respect your wishes and leave you alone so you can reconnect with your wife.

 

Thanks whichwayisup. Honest support again. And your thoughts are in common with most others. You are all giving me strength and direction.

[jenkins95]

After having read only first post, I have to comment on you being such a kind, generous and good person, I can easily see it through your writing. What I want to suggest is that you start caring about yourself for a change (I know, sometimes it is harder than it sounds). I know you see yourself as this selfish villain who has destroyed his family but I would cut you some slack. I realize depression is something that makes you feel terrible and if you dont have any understanding from your closest person, your wife, it is even harder. Even your wife aknowledged that she was not there for you when you needed her and that says a lot. I would suggest you take some distance from everything, OW and family if possible, perhaps take some days off work and take a solo vacatiin to think. I really believe that you need it. You have the mentality of a giver but you really have to decide to start therapy in order to start caring for yourself now. Dont let any more time being wasted. We are here for you, pm me if you want.

 

SummerDreams, you have overwhelmed me with your kindness - thank you so much. Of all the things I expected that people may say of me, a kind, generous and good person was not one of them! You are lovely and you have put a smile on my face.

 

I do need some time on my own you are right and I do need to see a professional. Thank you so much for your guidance and I may well PM you sometime - thank you so much for being there for me.

[jenkins95]

I doubt you ever intended to divorce your wife, and when your OW's boyfriend caught her cheating he dumped her immediately. That must have thrown you for a loop because all the "i love you" you said to her suddenly were not just words and she called you on it. The affair was on even ground, two cheaters with a partner, but suddenly she's available 24/7 and you bailed on her.

 

Now, you're trying to do right by your marriage and children, and now single OW is a liability. Sure you miss her, sure you miss the affair, and sure you miss the fun and excitement of cheating. But now reality has spoiled all the fun. You wanted an affair not another wife in which you'd have to divorce the first wife, pay child support, shuffle the kids between two homes and first wife to blame for your depression. I read some of your previous posts, you mentioned one of your children is special needs and that can be hugely stressful on a marriage and I wonder if your wife was more involved in caring for the kids than you were while you were out at the gym getting friendly with the OW.

 

Also how do you feel about the OW's boyfriend who you willingly betrayed him along with Ow. Does being a depressed MM give you licence to sleep with his girlfriend.

 

Maybe your depression stems from not be able to handle reality, maybe your coping skills are lacking when it comes to riding out the tough times. Of course the affair lifted your depression, it's all fun and exciting with no real commitment.

 

Your post is typical of someone who feels entitled, and it smacks of arrogance to insinuate that you're giving your mean incompatible wife a second chance. You made it clear she's partly responsible for your depression, which sounds like blame shifting hogwash.

 

 

Good, honest post. Thank you Furious.

 

I did indeed never intend to divorce my W and I made this clear from the start, and the fact that she also had no intention of leaving her BF made the A seem managable and somehow safe (ridiculous, I know). Of course, time passes, addiction kicks in, feelings get involved, discoveries happen, the BF leaves and the rules, needs and expectations change. I was too naive to realise this until it was too late and the whole thing spiralled completely out of control.

 

Much of what you say rings true. I have genuine feelings for the OW and I would never call her a liability, but I do see your point. Perhaps it's the same thing in different words, but the way I prefer to say it is that the whole situatiuon has become untenable - for her and for me. We are both trapped and need to be freed.

 

You mention the OW's BF. I think about him sometimes and I feel terrible about what has happened. He is a fellow man who I know almost nothing about and have never seen. My only contribution to his life - to ruin his long term R. He could have turned up at my house armed with evidence for my W and a baseball bat for me. But instead, he chose to walk away with dignity. He has humbled me and has shown himself to be much more a man than I am.

Edited August 11, 2015 by jenkins95

[jenkins95]

Yep! You subtly imply that whilst you know that you did wrong it was your wife's fault and aren't you a good sort for giving her a second chance! You are NOT. You are lucky. She is forbearing and generous. Be worthy of her, be a decent man, and be remorseful and give her your all, stop with the effing blame-shifting. Alternatively stop with the breast beating and false mea culpa and ask for a divorce.

 

Thanks for your honesty waterwoman, another reality check. And I can't argue with anything you have said.

[jenkins95]

Sorry for being peevish OP, it's just your post hit a very sensitive nerve. For many BS one of their worst fears after agreeing to try to reconcile is that their WS isn't all in, is silently resentful for being forced to give up the A and blaming the BS for it all. I lived with that fear for a long time - it took several years for me finally 100% beleive H was where he REALLY wanted to be and in that time I often felt unsafe and under immense stress. It's not good.

 

Let me tell you something about affairs from the perspective of the BS. They are the ultimate f*** you! The individually crafted personalised punishment for the BS failures. 'If you had been good enough this wouldn't have happened!' Thing is I have never come across a marriage where all the faults are on one side. Not once. I'm not saying there aren't marriages where a perfect princess is married to an ogre, or Prince Charming is married to Grendels mum... But I'd say they are rare. When one spouse has an affair and tries to pin the reasons for it on their partner they are being disingenuous and grossly unfair. It pours the blinding light if day over one set of faults while leaving the other in shadow.

 

There will come a time when your w stops looking at her own faults and trying to excuse you, and she will get angry. That is where you need your remorse and your strength and your love and you will need to eat **** and be there for her no matter what! No good saying 'but darling, have you forgotten its was your fault?'..... It's going to get tough. Which is why I say be there 100% or get off the proverbial pot and chase after miss perfect. Leave your wife to heal in peace.

 

Outstanding post waterwoman, truly outstanding. You have me nearly in tears. Not peevish at all - just raw and honest. This has made me see yet another angle. I will think a lot about what you said, and will probably have more to post once I have reflected. I can't thank you enough for your honesty. This kind of stuff is exactly what I need to read.