OW going through hell

[Lostkate29]

So first off I apologise for whats going to seem like an essay.

My story as the other woman

 

I first met my attached man 7 months ago, little did I know at the time we had attended high school together but never met there.

 

We began watching each other constantly like there was something between us neither of us could work out.... Low and behold a couple of weeks later he had done some research and found me on social media.

We immediately started texting and messaging constantly, getting to know everything about each other, everything we had in common and it soon grew to huge flirting....

 

He told me he had 5 kids with his girlfriend of 10 years but they were together for the kids not in love and pretty much lived separate lives. I myself have a daughter and are separated from my husband. So I was a little uneasy with the situation but I just couldn't seem to stay away.

 

About a month later we had started meeting for coffees and drinks and walks and any excuse to spend time together.... I soon found out that the girlfriend situation wasn't exactly what he described.... They were a couple and not just for the kids..... By this time I was hooked, addicted to him so bad I saw past it all and just craved his attention so much I looked past the girl.

 

We got caught. He told her he was seeing me and all hell broke loose, cut a long story short he went back to his gf and kids and ignored me fully. It broke my heart.

 

About 2 weeks after that he rang me, asking to start again and that it was me he loved not her and asked me to wait for him.... Being stupid and missing him like crazy I said yes.... I'd wait .... Fast forward 6 months to now we have been constantly on, we have caught pregnant which I had to abort, we have gone through so much.

 

And last week it all happened, she found the texts and it all came out again, he left her for me this time but 2 days later and he has gone back to her and his kids again and has said to me never again, he was sorry for promising me a future but he just couldn't leave his kids..... His family have disowned him and his friends have gave him a piece of their mind and ultimately he was going to have to give up his business too to be with me - as he and his girlfriend own it together.

 

Now I'm in hell, most of you will believe I deserve the hurt and pain and I simply agree with that but 2 days into him blocking me on social media, blocking my number I can't stop crying, he left saying he will always love me but it can't be real. I am so in love with him I know I can't have him but I'm literally dying inside and I can't really tell anyone . I can't get out of bed, I've been through break ups but this feels devastating. I just can't stop thinking of the things we did, places we went, things that were said and my stomach is literally in knots. I'm in hell.

 

I guess I just wanted to see if anyone could give me some advice on how I begin to move on.

Thank you

Edited August 6, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
added paragraphs. ~T

[FusionCutter]

How you move on is you make a 100% commitment to NC (no contact). It takes times but just trust the process.

 

No ones bashing you here. We all make mistakes as people.

[Giggle]

Breath. Take care of your daughter and block all contact with him. Don't leave an opening to contact you. You've let yourself be jerked around way plenty.. Find what you learned about yourself from the experience. Find something to be greatful for from the experience. Think of all the things you are greatful that you won't have i your life because of him. Accept it as over. Idk. Mostly the first part though. Don't let him do it again. Learn from it.

[OldRover]

Lostkate29,

 

You've gone thru a LOT.... and I'm sure you know the answer. You need to bail. It would be VERY hard to make this work......kids, business, GF, his friends, etc., etc..... If you did get together with him, permanently, the problems would likely never end.

 

Now, you need to "cure" yourself, get away 100%, and start your new life.

[Lostkate29]

Thank you to you all, you don't know what it means to me to actually get this off my chest and have somebody say something encouraging to me, I could never talk to anyone because this is all been in secret even the pregnancy ......he constantly made promises of our future of how I was the love of his life and he would of supported me through anything but the bad stuff hit the fan and I'm back to sitting here very alone, very hurt and I just can't believe I guess he did it to me again after months of promising me he would never hurt me like that again.... I feel like the biggest fool ... Ever

[still_an_Angel]

Don't loose hope, there is a way out of this, you just have to keep working on yourself, your daughter and how you're going to get to the healthier place where you will be happy. It might take longer than you expected and the bitter pill will never seem to end. But as long as you keep your goal in line, you'll be fine.

 

 

Remember, you had a life without MM prior to meeting him. You can have that back again, and better. There is always a light even in the longest tunnel, you just gotta keep moving to get there. ((hugs))

[Ifalltopieces]

It's amazing how these piss poor excuses for men can cause so much destruction and pain, yet they walk away with absolutely no repercussions. For once I would like to come on this forum and see a MM post that his actions have caused him pain and agony as well.

 

For once I would like to see a MM show remorse and guilt for all of the torment he caused.

 

I have yet to see that. Honestly I doubt I ever will. These "men" are selfish cowards. They are the true definition of evil.

 

I kno it hurts to feel like your not good enough. I know it's brutal and agonizing to think that you were foolish enough to fall for his BS. I assure you, your pain will fade with time. You WILL move on from this, stronger and wiser. He gets to spend every day wondering when the karma train will catch up to him.

[Artie Lang]

It's amazing how these piss poor excuses for men can cause so much destruction and pain, yet they walk away with absolutely no repercussions.

 

ummm... we all have choices. after finding out about the true nature of his relationship with his GF, the OP could've walked away. why didn't she? i'm not absolving him of any responsibility, but c'mon... it takes two to tango.

 

see here

 

About 2 weeks after that he rang me asking to start again... Being stupid and missing him like crazy I said yes

 

 

question... you say you two went to high school together, but didn't know him... did you know of him? if you did, what did you think of him back then? it might sound irrelevant, but just humor me for a bit.

Edited August 6, 2015 by Artie Lang

[elaine567]

Truth is he used you and abused your trust.

 

NO man who can cheat on his gf and his 5 kids, FIVE KIDS, is worth anything.

Stop being sad, and get mad.

 

Take the bull by the horns and start looking after what is important here and that is YOU and YOUR child.

YOUR daughter needs a good role model, not some mother crying into her coffee over some no good, lying, cheating loser.

[Lostkate29]

I absolutely believe I have been used but I still can't seem to find it in me to hate him, it's pathetic. I keep thinking is he thinking or missing me at all.... But I think I know he isn't deep down. Day 3 NC but to be honest there isn't a chance of it seeing as he has deleted me on everything and his mobile. I also wander how can she take him back knowing that he has been with me for months ?

In response to the high school question no I didn't know of him at all he is a few years older than me and it's something we found out when we started talking.... He used to say why couldn't I have met you then.... I'm so lost why can't I just hate the user and see him for what he is ....

[Lostkate29]

And once again I want to say thank you to you all, I may not know any of you but having someone to talk to especially someone who knows the feeling is a huge support to me.... Thank you guys

[bathtub-row]

I'm sorry you're going through this. We women often make the fatal mistake of thinking that men value love in the same way that we do. Where it's very high on our list, it is not for most men. They will put responsibility, family, reputation, and money above love. Do not underestimate the significance of this list of priorities. This is why most women leave bad relationships, and why most men will stay in them. It happens all the time.

 

And, despite all that, this person flat out lied to you. Once you get past the hurt from his heartless behavior, then I hope you do get mad because what he did was horrible. Who would want this ass anyway? I know you're flooded with great memories and all but from where I'm standing, he's not at all impressive.

 

This is a hard lesson to learn but many of us have been there. Just about every single time I have gone against my instincts, I live to regret it. I think you know that you ignored your instincts. Next time, do not ever do that with a man and do not ever let yourself get used again. Being in love does not mean that the world is going to turn on its axis to make everything right. You will always have to know your limits and you will always have to be protective of yourself. If you're not, no one else will be.

[elaine567]

I absolutely believe I have been used but I still can't seem to find it in me to hate him, it's pathetic. I keep thinking is he thinking or missing me at all.... But I think I know he isn't deep down. Day 3 NC but to be honest there isn't a chance of it seeing as he has deleted me on everything and his mobile. I also wander how can she take him back knowing that he has been with me for months ?

In response to the high school question no I didn't know of him at all he is a few years older than me and it's something we found out when we started talking.... He used to say why couldn't I have met you then.... I'm so lost why can't I just hate the user and see him for what he is ....

 

Men like this, usually just miss the sex to be perfectly blunt here.

Men cheat mostly to get extra sex, to build a harem, to feel like da man with two or more women in tow.

 

What were you thinking here?

That he was going to abandon his FIVE kids and ride off into the sunset with you and your daughter to live happily ever after?

Even if he did leave, you would have had his ex gf and his five kids to contend with, all hating you for taking their father away from them...

 

Be grateful he shut you down and don't ever think of taking him back, as no doubt he will reappear when he starts to get horny again and he thinks his gf is off his back.

[bathtub-row]

Men like this, usually just miss the sex to be perfectly blunt here.

Men cheat mostly to get extra sex, to build a harem, to feel like da man with two or more women in tow.

 

What were you thinking here?

That he was going to abandon his FIVE kids and ride off into the sunset with you and your daughter to live happily ever after?

Even if he did leave, you would have had his ex gf and his five kids to contend with, all hating you for taking their father away from them...

 

Be grateful he shut you down and don't ever think of taking him back, as no doubt he will reappear when he starts to get horny again and he thinks his gf is off his back.

 

Honestly, I think he probably did love her and does miss her a great deal. All the blocking on Facebook, etc, was probably due to his gf insisting that he do that. But all that probably did was make him miss her more. The problem is, he has chosen to deal with the loss because love isn't as important to him as his kids and money. However, I fully agree that when he tries to contact her again, she should shut him down in the same cold way he shut her down.

[elaine567]

Honestly, I think he probably did love her and does miss her a great deal. .

 

Actions speak louder than words.

 

He threw the OP a line and she gobbled it up, hook, line and sinker.

Soon as the gf found out the first time, he was off like a shot, a speeding bullet.

Dumped with a capital D.

Then he crept back.

Back to screwing around behind the gfs back.

Soon as OP got pregnant -> abortion.

Soon as gf AGAIN found out, he makes an attempt at "love" for 2 days, but then mumbles something about being sorry he future faked and Disappears with a capital D.

 

Is that really "love"?

 

OP needs to get real here.

[Satu]

A clip from my journal:

 

 

The greater part of any affair is fantasy and make-believe.

 

 

What the other woman believes

 

 

"He's a great guy, but he's trapped in an unhappy marriage. He and his wife haven't had sex in years. He says he has no feelings for her, and loves me. He feels that he can't leave because of what it would do to his kids, but I do think that he'll leave her though, when the kids are a bit older."

This is life on the edge of reality, in a little bubble of imaginings."

[Lostkate29]

Honestly, I think he probably did love her and does miss her a great deal. All the blocking on Facebook, etc, was probably due to his gf insisting that he do that. But all that probably did was make him miss her more. The problem is, he has chosen to deal with the loss because love isn't as important to him as his kids and money. However, I fully agree that when he tries to contact her again, she should shut him down in the same cold way he shut her down.

 

Thank you so much for this I sincerely hope it's true and he does miss me but unfortunately I think I'm grasping at straws to convince myself that not everything was a lie. His kids and money were very important to him as he's previously been bankrupt so he was always very scared of money, he mentioned a lot that his kids would always be his priority, he told me that he loved his girlfriend and always will because of the kids and the amount of time they were together but he just didn't love her the way she wanted him to. He said that was the feeling he had for me.... I'm struggling terribly I'm just hoping each day I wake up It will get easier because as of day 3 I feel it's getting harder

[Lostkate29]

Actions speak louder than words.

 

He threw the OP a line and she gobbled it up, hook, line and sinker.

Soon as the gf found out the first time, he was off like a shot, a speeding bullet.

Dumped with a capital D.

Then he crept back.

Back to screwing around behind the gfs back.

Soon as OP got pregnant -> abortion.

Soon as gf AGAIN found out, he makes an attempt at "love" for 2 days, but then mumbles something about being sorry he future faked and Disappears with a capital D.

 

Is that really "love"?

 

OP needs to get real here.

 

Thank you for this...I totally agree with this, you are speaking the truth and I thank you for that, putting things like you have really does make me realise that I let myself become so selfish to what it was I wanted.... Him...... That I put aside the most important people in this situation his children and of course his girlfriend that never deserved this.... I wasn't raised to be a liar and a cheat and somehow that's exactly what I've been doing..., be assured I am not happy with my actions but to put it simply..... I'm just a girl that fell in love and fell for a lot of lines..... And that's what I can't move past right now..... The feeling of utter rejection hurts like nothing I've ever felt.

[elaine567]

I'm just a girl that fell in love and fell for a lot of lines..... And that's what I can't move past right now..... The feeling of utter rejection hurts like nothing I've ever felt.

 

I know, but men like this can be very persuasive and manipulative.

Do not beat yourself up about it, grieve, heal and move on.

Go to therapy, most women who end up as OWs are in a very weak and vulnerable position and fall prey to such men. I guess your divorce made you weak here.

So learn how to strengthen your boundaries and learn how to identify and avoid the red flags early doors.

Lots of nice, honest and true guys out there too.

[whichwayisup]

I'm back to sitting here very alone, very hurt and I just can't believe I guess he did it to me again after months of promising me he would never hurt me like that again.... I feel like the biggest fool ... Ever

 

Use this feeling and the anger when it hits you, to make sure you that you stay in NC mode with him. If he does somehow contact you, ignore him. He chose to go back home to his common law wife and 5 kids, and that means he loses you completely.

 

Be strong. You'll hurt for a while but just know as time goes on you will have good days and feel better.

 

Talk to a trusted friend, open up to someone you are close to so they can help give you support. Posting here will help you but you need your women friends to make you smile, to make you laugh and to build up your confidence back up.

 

This man led you on, selfishly. He lied and betrayed the woman who gave birth to FIVE his children - A woman he built a life with for 10 years. Just give you perspective and I'm not knocking your 7 month affair but if you take a step back, the time he invested in his partner vs the affair with you, you will see he has no real respect for either of you. If he truly wanted to be divorced he'd divorce. He has had plenty of opportunities to do so and make custody arrangements...Instead he chose to go back home quietly hoping the A would continue..And it did, until he got caught again. You deserve a great (single) guy who will love and adore only you.

[whichwayisup]

I absolutely believe I have been used but I still can't seem to find it in me to hate him, it's pathetic. I keep thinking is he thinking or missing me at all.... But I think I know he isn't deep down. Day 3 NC but to be honest there isn't a chance of it seeing as he has deleted me on everything and his mobile. I also wander how can she take him back knowing that he has been with me for months ?

In response to the high school question no I didn't know of him at all he is a few years older than me and it's something we found out when we started talking.... He used to say why couldn't I have met you then.... I'm so lost why can't I just hate the user and see him for what he is ....

 

They have 5 kids together and been a couple for 10 years. Most won't throw that all away. Chances are he's lied to her, minimized the affair, made it seem like you were crushing on him and manipulated him into continuing after the first time you two got caught. *IF she contacts you, DO tell her your side of things. Apologize for your part in the affair, for helping hurt and betray her by having the A with him, and answer her questions that she may ask.*

 

You will hate him once your anger kicks in.

 

in the meantime, really try your best to not focus on why she took him back, it's out of your hands and really it doesn't matter the reasons - She's innocent in all this and wants to protect her kids and probably wants to keep their family intact.

[whichwayisup]

Thank you so much for this I sincerely hope it's true and he does miss me but unfortunately I think I'm grasping at straws to convince myself that not everything was a lie. His kids and money were very important to him as he's previously been bankrupt so he was always very scared of money, he mentioned a lot that his kids would always be his priority, he told me that he loved his girlfriend and always will because of the kids and the amount of time they were together but he just didn't love her the way she wanted him to. He said that was the feeling he had for me.... I'm struggling terribly I'm just hoping each day I wake up It will get easier because as of day 3 I feel it's getting harder

 

He obviously cared for you, a lot. But once caught he wasn't willing to lose everything and have his whole life changed, start over with you. He invested 10 years of his life with her, 5 kids and one can't just up and walk away from all that so quickly and start a new life with someone else. IF had actually walked away and divorced quickly after he got caught, ask yourself this: could you really trust him fully? Could you handle being step mom (one day) to FIVE children and having to still cope with seeing and dealing with his ex for the rest of your life? Really put some thought into the future, not an affair situation but reality. As time goes on and you detach from him, you'll see things more clearly.

[Satu]

Snip.

 

I'm struggling terribly I'm just hoping each day I wake up It will get easier because as of day 3 I feel it's getting harder

 

It can get easier, and it will get easier,

 

IF

 

You summon up all your willpower and self-discipline, to do NC properly.

 

If you don't, it won't get easier, and this suffering will become a daily fact of life for you.

 

NC has to be 100% watertight to work.

 

It's not easy in the beginning, but it gets easier.

 

A clip from my journal:

 

"No contact is about two things, and two things only:

 

 

1. It protects you from further hurt.

 

2. It allows you to heal without being distracted by the ex.

 

 

Thats all it is, and all it does."

 

 

So it does only two things, but those two things are of great importance.

 

 

*No direct contact in either direction.

*No sending or receiving of messages.

*Block any means he might use to contact you.

*No replies to anything that gets through your blocks.

*No indirect contact through third parties.

*De-friend or delete from all social media.

*No monitoring of him on social media.

*No 'little birds' feeding you news.

*Tell people that you don't want to know anything about what he is doing or saying.

 

 

So if you come back here and say, "He texted me/phoned me/emailed me," you're not doing NC.

 

If you come back here and say you contacted him, you're not doing NC.

 

So if you do it, do it right.

 

 

Take care and good luck.

Edited August 6, 2015 by Satu

[Zagan]

You're hurting like hell ehh? Imagine how his girlfriend feels, after finding out not once, but twice, her partner of 10 years and father of her 5 children was screwing around with another woman.

 

You had a choice when you first became infatuated to leave this situation well alone, you chose to get deeper and deeper until you reached a point of no return, you reap what you sow. Getting over an initial pull of attraction is a lot easier than getting over someone being gone when you are in love, as you're now seeing.

 

Only weak pathetic men look outside of their marriage without ending it first, there shouldn't be anything attractive about this to other women whatsoever, unless they are equally as weak. I couldn't ever imagine treating my wife that way, and that's how all people who truly love somebody should feel, so if you believe him when he says he loves you bla bla, you should give your head a wobble.

[What_Did_I_Do]

Another classic MM tale...my marriage is unhappy, we are roommates, I don't love her, I would leave but can't because of kids, money, status, dog or upcoming family vacation. Ughh. These guys make my blood boil.

 

He screwed you both - literally and figuratively.

 

So sorry you are going through this Lost but as WWIU mentioned, thankfully it was only 7 months. You will get angry at what he did to you.

 

Grieve your loss. It will get better. In time this will be a valuable lesson on how to set up boundaries and not fall prey to a lying, cheating man.