OW going through hell

[Ifalltopieces]

ummm... we all have choices. after finding out about the true nature of his relationship with his GF, the OP could've walked away. why didn't she? i'm not absolving him of any responsibility, but c'mon... it takes two to tango.

 

You are correct, it does take two to tango. However, by the time she probably found out the truth about his other relationship, she was too far in. I'm not excusing her role, but it's a lot easier to walk away when you don't have much invested. Women are emotional beings and once emotions are involved it's really hard to just throw in the towel. The OW had faith in what she was being told and she had faith in the person telling her. She can't be faulted for wanting to believe in somebody she loved.

 

I'm sorry but I have no sympathy at all for these lying cowards. They get what they all deserve eventually.

[the_artist_1970]

You are correct, it does take two to tango. However, by the time she probably found out the truth about his other relationship, she was too far in. I'm not excusing her role, but it's a lot easier to walk away when you don't have much invested. Women are emotional beings and once emotions are involved it's really hard to just throw in the towel. The OW had faith in what she was being told and she had faith in the person telling her. She can't be faulted for wanting to believe in somebody she loved.

 

I'm sorry but I have no sympathy at all for these lying cowards. They get what they all deserve eventually.

 

I don't understand what "in too far" means. Not trying to offend, but does in too far mean that she can't put her feelings in check and walk away from a MM with 5 children after only 7 months? I think in a lot of cases the OM/OW absolves themselves of their responsibility to take ownership for taking part in helping to break up a family. Especially if kids are involved. As adults and humans we all can control our feelings and lay aside what we want and feel and do the right thing. The MM gets slammed too often as if they are walking around picking innocent victims incapable of making decisions. Yes, the MM is wrong but so is the other woman who allows herself to be a hidden interloper in another woman's marriage. Part of healing after getting involved with a MM/attached man is learning that we should be wise and keep our boundaries intact when dealing with MM. We make choices everyday and when we make choices that hurt other ppl the consequences are usually not good for us.

[Ifalltopieces]

I don't understand what "in too far" means. Not trying to offend, but does in too far mean that she can't put her feelings in check and walk away from a MM with 5 children after only 7 months? I think in a lot of cases the OM/OW absolves themselves of their responsibility to take ownership for taking part in helping to break up a family. Especially if kids are involved. As adults and humans we all can control our feelings and lay aside what we want and feel and do the right thing. The MM gets slammed too often as if they are walking around picking innocent victims incapable of making decisions. Yes, the MM is wrong but so is the other woman who allows herself to be a hidden interloper in another woman's marriage. Part of healing after getting involved with a MM/attached man is learning that we should be wise and keep our boundaries intact when dealing with MM. We make choices everyday and when we make choices that hurt other ppl the consequences are usually not good for us.

 

 

No offense taken. I understand your POV and you are correct. When an OW makes the decision to get involved with a MM she is just as much to blame as the MM. However, no two situations are ever the same. Some OW don't know the MM is married until after they have fallen in love with him. Also, it's a nice theory to think that once an OW discovers the truth, they should be able to put their feelings in check and walk away; this is not realistic.

 

OW tend to get blamed for breaking up families but they don't have an investment in the "family". The MM has the investment. The MM took vows with his wife and he should honor them. I don't buy for a second that the "family" unit was perfectly intact before the OW came along. If a MM or MW seek an affair, the demise of their marriage is already in progress. The A is a symptom of a much bigger problem.

 

I don't want to get into a pissing match with anybody. We all have different views which we are entitled. I'm not proud of the person I have allowed myself to become. i recognize my wrongs and I accept responsibility. I will never again allow myself to become a pawn in the sick game of another. I should have walked away from my A LONG ago, but I didn't. I was weak and wanted so badly to believe in my MM. I was foolish and i pay every day for my mistake. I made my bed and I lay in it every night. MM on the other hand gets to carry on like nothing ever happened, like MOST do. So forgive me if I'm a little jaded and bitter.

[the_artist_1970]

No offense taken. I understand your POV and you are correct. When an OW makes the decision to get involved with a MM she is just as much to blame as the MM. However, no two situations are ever the same. Some OW don't know the MM is married until after they have fallen in love with him. Also, it's a nice theory to think that once an OW discovers the truth, they should be able to put their feelings in check and walk away; this is not realistic.

 

OW tend to get blamed for breaking up families but they don't have an investment in the "family". The MM has the investment. The MM took vows with his wife and he should honor them. I don't buy for a second that the "family" unit was perfectly intact before the OW came along. If a MM or MW seek an affair, the demise of their marriage is already in progress. The A is a symptom of a much bigger problem.

 

I don't want to get into a pissing match with anybody. We all have different views which we are entitled. I'm not proud of the person I have allowed myself to become. i recognize my wrongs and I accept responsibility. I will never again allow myself to become a pawn in the sick game of another. I should have walked away from my A LONG ago, but I didn't. I was weak and wanted so badly to believe in my MM. I was foolish and i pay every day for my mistake. I made my bed and I lay in it every night. MM on the other hand gets to carry on like nothing ever happened, like MOST do. So forgive me if I'm a little jaded and bitter.

 

Thank you for that eloquent reply. Don't believe for one second that MM walk away unscathed and happy. When the BS finds out she takes them through pure h3LL for a while, and rebuilding is VERY hard work. It takes years to get to a good place in a M after an A. As far as a M being bad, I can guarantee you that sometimes life breaks good ppl and they enter into an A because they are broken at the time not because the M is bad. Broken ppl break good marriages by having an A sometimes. A healthy person with their values and priorities in tact does not enter into an A regardless of the state of their M. They finish one relationship and then start another one. Years of therapy unraveled a lot in my former WH and me. It's good that you are in a better place.

[Zagan]

No offense taken. I understand your POV and you are correct. When an OW makes the decision to get involved with a MM she is just as much to blame as the MM. However, no two situations are ever the same. Some OW don't know the MM is married until after they have fallen in love with him. Also, it's a nice theory to think that once an OW discovers the truth, they should be able to put their feelings in check and walk away; this is not realistic.

 

OW tend to get blamed for breaking up families but they don't have an investment in the "family". The MM has the investment. The MM took vows with his wife and he should honor them. I don't buy for a second that the "family" unit was perfectly intact before the OW came along. If a MM or MW seek an affair, the demise of their marriage is already in progress. The A is a symptom of a much bigger problem.

 

I don't want to get into a pissing match with anybody. We all have different views which we are entitled. I'm not proud of the person I have allowed myself to become. i recognize my wrongs and I accept responsibility. I will never again allow myself to become a pawn in the sick game of another. I should have walked away from my A LONG ago, but I didn't. I was weak and wanted so badly to believe in my MM. I was foolish and i pay every day for my mistake. I made my bed and I lay in it every night. MM on the other hand gets to carry on like nothing ever happened, like MOST do. So forgive me if I'm a little jaded and bitter.

 

You're right, in that some OW don't originally know that the MM is infact married, however when they do find out and choose to continue then they are equally as responsible as the man is. Just because he took the vows and promised to honour his wife doesn't make an OW devoid of any responsibility, she is still choosing to be involved in a situation that is deceitful and harmful.

 

In these situations rather than being weak and unable to let go maybe these OW should consider the fact that they are involved with a person who lies, cheats, schemes, has zero respect for his spouse or their children, and lacks a spine .. These traits should be something that would make anybody with any self respect run to the hills, not embed that person into their present and future!

[Ifalltopieces]

You're right, in that some OW don't originally know that the MM is infact married, however when they do find out and choose to continue then they are equally as responsible as the man is. Just because he took the vows and promised to honour his wife doesn't make an OW devoid of any responsibility, she is still choosing to be involved in a situation that is deceitful and harmful.

 

In these situations rather than being weak and unable to let go maybe these OW should consider the fact that they are involved with a person who lies, cheats, schemes, has zero respect for his spouse or their children, and lacks a spine .. These traits should be something that would make anybody with any self respect run to the hills, not embed that person into their present and future!

 

You seem to know a great deal About what OW should do and how they should behave and react.........have you ever been an OM?

[sandylee1]

She has a child around every two years with him (assuming no multiples ) and must be crazy busy raising kids and all he can do is cheat on her....That's a helluva guy.

 

At what point did he realise he was staying for the kids ? After number 1?, 2?, 3?.......Common. Is this really the kind of guy you want

 

He's not worth it and his GF probably just feels stuck with a cheater because finding a good man with 5 kids under 10 years old is quite a challenge.

 

I reckon the thought of paying child support for 5 kids was more than he could manage.

 

Block him, go NC and get some counselling to help you get over it.

[Horton]

You seem to know a great deal About what OW should do and how they should behave and react.........have you ever been an OM?

 

What's the big mystery? Don't get involved with somebody whose already in a relationship and if it turns out they misled you about their relationship status then show them the door. You don't have to commit adultery to understand that, this is pretty basic stuff here. People just allow their emotions to make things more complicated than they actually are.

 

To the OP, once you get past the initial sense of loss you're feeling now you'll hopefully wake up some day soon and be grateful this ended as relatively quickly as it did. You could have wasted the next several years of your life begging this man for his table scraps. That's no way to live plus you got a kid that needs her mother. You may not be able to see it now but this was doomed from the word go.

If he has even a shred of human decency he would never be able to abandon his children to run away with you and if the two of you had attempted to make your own brady bunch scenario his kids would never forgive you for hurting their mom and helping to rip apart their home. Your own child would likely not have been too keen on having five strangers foisted onto her life.

[kieraglass]

It's amazing how these piss poor excuses for men can cause so much destruction and pain, yet they walk away with absolutely no repercussions. For once I would like to come on this forum and see a MM post that his actions have caused him pain and agony as well.

 

For once I would like to see a MM show remorse and guilt for all of the torment he caused.

 

I have yet to see that. Honestly I doubt I ever will. These "men" are selfish cowards. They are the true definition of evil.

 

I kno it hurts to feel like your not good enough. I know it's brutal and agonizing to think that you were foolish enough to fall for his BS. I assure you, your pain will fade with time. You WILL move on from this, stronger and wiser. He gets to spend every day wondering when the karma train will catch up to him.

 

This this this.

 

I think of my MM and what has happened to my life over the past year, and immediately, my brain shoots to an action sequence of Arnold Schwarzenegger walking out of an exploding building.

 

It makes me laugh.

 

It's a sick laugh.

 

They have absolutely no conscience, I swear. The whole damn lot of them.

[kieraglass]

Op, I am so sorry for your pain. I also got pregnant.

 

They don't care what we go through "for them." It is all about them. Their wants, their needs, their lives. We are collateral damage.

 

Please, even if you stay with MM, continue lurking on this board. If anything, it will give you a dose of reality as you realize how very alike they all are. And reality strengthens the character.

 

I'm still with my mm, but I see him so much clearer now. My rose tinted glasses are long freaking gone. And though I love him, if he were to walk tomorrow, I would be almost relieved.

 

I couldn't have said this before joining this board.

 

They really are a completely different species of human, these MMs. They live in very, very cold climes.

 

I'm so sorry for your pain.

[Ifalltopieces]

What's the big mystery? Don't get involved with somebody whose already in a relationship and if it turns out they misled you about their relationship status then show them the door. You don't have to commit adultery to understand that, this is pretty basic stuff here. People just allow their emotions to make things more complicated than they actually are.

 

Thank you for your forensic analysis of what OW should do and for pointing out how basic the concept is. Im sorry but it's not that easy. Is it what OW should do? Absolutely!!!!!!!!!

 

I do agree with your statement regarding emotions; if my emotions weren't involved I would have been rid of my MM 2 years ago. Unfortunately, my emotions are what bind me to him and I'm fighting every day to sever them.