- Is she cheating........again?

[LeeroyBrown]

Sorry this will be a long story, but I would like some perspective from both men and women about my relationship.

 

I met my girlfriend of ten years (we are both 35 now) a long time ago, but we were both in other relationships at the time. When we did get together, both relationships had ended naturaly (or so I thought at the time) and there had been at least a six month gap before we got together. It just felt right as we had always had a strong attraction to each other, and we were very good friends – she had even made me god-parent to her daughter when she was born, who was about 18 months old when we got together.

I knew the father – and apparently they split up and he moved abroad for work – like I said, there was a gap – I am not the type of bloke to go making moves on another guys girl!

 

Anyway, that’s the background. But about a year into the relationship, I found out she had slept with her daughters father a number of times since we got together. I know this sounds improbable, but they never had a conventional relationship anyway – she managed to hide it from us both by saying she was taking her daughter over to spain to see her father – or when he visited, I wouldn’t be allowed anywhere near the house, which frustrated me, but, as there was a child involved, I didn’t argue, and he would stay over with them for a few days. This revelation completely changed me. I had previously been in trusting, respectful relationships, had a good friendship group, good family, and stuff like this didn’t happen in my world. I was devastated – it hurt me even more that we were such close friends before – relationships fail, but friendship is more permanent, right?

 

I ended the relationship – she was devastated and after a few months of her convincing me of all sorts (he was violent, she needed to do it for her daughter, drink etc), I was weak from it all and agreed to give her a second chance. To cut what is going to be a long story a little bit shorter, after I gave her a second chance, within the next year, it happened again…..and again……in fact, I found out that she was actually still with him, and had been on and off (but mostly on) for the whole of the 2 years we had been together – and the whole relationship was a big messy lie.

 

I was devastated, obviously. I went from a decent confident guy, good family, friends, job – life and sole of the party – definitely not the type of person who is paranoid and jealous – to the complete opposite……..and I was weak, so, so weak……..so weak in fact that I actually took her back again. But she wasn’t getting the same person as I was before – I was paranoid, jealous, the hurt and pain was so difficult to describe, so I shan’t even try - I was always playing the detective, checking her phone, convinced she would do it again.

 

By this time she had done with her ex, but because of her daughter he was still around and this caused tension, arguments etc. I never felt she gave me the time or support to come to terms. I never felt that, aside from the first few days of me finding something new out, that she gave me comfort or support. When something new happened she would be all tears, apologies and promises of change etc. until I would take her back – then she wouldn’t talk about it and thought I should just get over it. I would get all paranoid and the whole thing was a mess of arguments. On a number of occasions during a row about her cheating she would hit me, threaten me with a knife, and one time threw a pan of boiling water over me.

 

My reaction to all this was to regularly walk away and call it off, finish the relationship. During these times she would beg me back, be kind, generous and charming, till I eventually agreed to take her back – over and over again (please don’t judge me – I was weak at this point). However, despite being over with her daughters father, despite claiming she wanted me back and charming me into submission, she would also take other guys to fill the gap that I left. I would find out about these men when we got back together, and the whole thing would start again. Again – to keep this story shorter, I will spare you the details of these other men, but this whole mess continued for another 3 years. That 5 year relationship had been the worst 5 years of my life, worse than when my dear brother died when I was younger. I was living in a hell I didn’t eat properly, alienated my friends and lost interest in life.

 

Something had to change! I left her. I went to university for the second time. I made new friends, and worked on repairing friendships I had before. I felt strong. I am blessed with a resilient attitude and through meditation, exercise, eating well and concentrating on things and people I love, I started the healing process. I was getting better – even though there was probably parts of my personality that are changed/lost forever. During that 1st year split up, I still talked to her, for a number of reasons – I viewed it necessary as part of the healing process. I am incredibly close to her daughter. Also, I still cared for her – and as I grew stronger, the separation made me feel more capable of helping with her demons such as drugs, alcohol and anger.

 

Anyway, the inevitable happened and I agreed to give it one more go and I tried to forgive her. There are many things I still found attractive in her – she can be very caring, she is a good mother to a girl I care so much about, she is funny, and when we started being intimate again, it was still as good as the first time. I worked incredibly hard to control my jealousy issues and had almost completely got rid of that side of my personality. After University finished, we moved in together, and fast forward 2/3 years and I was glad that I had given her that last chance. She seemed to have grown up, I wasn’t jealous or paranoid anymore and we were largely happy. Sure we rowed, but it was about the little things – not about cheating and lying.

 

So everything was OK for a couple of years. I work away a lot and that frustrates her, she was always suspiscious of me – I guess that’s what you get for cheating, you will forever think that it will be done to you. But I understood her paranoia and tried to comfort her where I could. After 2 and a half years of living together, my father gave me a piece of land to build a house on. A chance to be closer to family and work and to be more financially stable. The time wasn’t right for her daughter to move schools, so it was agreed that I would move out and go and live with my parents whilst I built the house – our future family home. Sure it was going to be an upheaval – but the pros outweighed the cons.So I moved out. That was about six months ago. My girlfriend has struggled with it a lot more than me. I am OK with the long distance relationship – but it has caused a lot of arguments, however I try and visit her as often as possible.

 

Anyway, this weekend, on the Friday we were talking on the phone. I suggested that she came over to visit me after work. She said she was too tired to do the drive, but would come down in the morning. She wouldn’t commit to a time. I texted later in the evening to ask if she had decided what time she would be coming. I got no reply. I assumed she must be asleep as she said she was so tired. The following morning I text again to find out what time – no answer. About 5 hours later I receive a text saying she is not going to come and she will come the following weekend. I was a bit annoyed that my day had been wasted waiting in for her, and her messing me around – but it is a long drive and if she is tired, fair enough. However, I sent her a message back saying I was a bit annoyed and she could have told me earlier, because I could have come up instead. She replied simply ‘’come up then baby xxx’’. I was doing nothing the next day, so jumped in the car and drove up to see her.

 

When I was nearly there (3 hour drive), I received a message telling me not to come and that she needed a quiet night, That she didn’t want it to turn into a party, and that she just wanted to put her daughter to bed. I called her, we rowed – she repeated to me not to come and she wanted a quiet night. It was too late for me to safely drive home, so angry and upset, I tried to get some sleep in my car before setting off home. I couldn’t sleep, so, as it was only a few miles, I thought I would go to her house, sleep in the spare room, and leave in the morning (secretly hoping she had calmed down). When I got to hers, the lights where on, so I knocked on the door. My heart was in my mouth – this was out of character for her since the dark days of the past. When she opened the door, she was shocked to see me – and inside she was partying with her friend and two other men (I do know them all, if that is relevent). Despite her having issues with alcohol in the past, I am not anti-drink – she doesn’t have to hide it from me – but she certainly wasn’t having a quiet one and putting her daughter to bed like she said. Let me clarify – I am not angry she is having a party – I am upset she tells me not to come, lying that she is having a quiet night and then does it with other people anyway.

 

Anyway, to wrap this up – all the fears, paranoia and absolute hurt from years ago has come back to the surface. Now a few days later, she says she didn’t/hasn’t cheated, but that she is really sorry and knows she did wrong, but can’t really explain why – much like she acted back in the day when she was guilty……guilty conscience?

 

Furthermore – her friend accidentally let slip that they were at a club on the Friday night when I couldn’t contact her and she was ‘tired’. I have never had a problem with her going clubbing, even when she was cheating, people still need to live – I just don’t know why she chose not to tell me…..guilty conscience?

 

Sorry for the length of the post, but I really would appreciate some feedback – I am so scared and worried that I have wasted ten years of my life. Am I being made a fool of all over again? Do you think she is cheating again. No need to sugar-coat your opinions. Thank you

[Chi townD]

Okay, let me see if I got this straight.

 

 

1. She's cheated on you in the past with her Ex.

 

 

2. She goes to clubs, and with her history of cheating, you're not worried that she's probably hooking up with guys at the club (because, let face it, even if you caught her, she's not worried because you ALWAYS come back. Therefore no consequences to her actions).

 

 

3. She's beaten you.

 

 

4. Threaten you with a knife.

 

 

5. Threw a pot of boiling water on you.

 

 

6. Ditches you for a party at her place where it's two guys and two girls and you think nothing is going on?!?!?

 

 

Dude, run for the frickin hills and don't look back!

[road]

Run for the hills. Wasting more years is not the answer.

[autumnnight]

Cheating is just one horrible thing in a list of horrible things at this point. She sounds...dangerous.

[Nez0r]

– I am so scared and worried that I have wasted ten years of my life.

I'm sorry, but you have.

Dump her now. I'm sure you don't want to waste more years of your life. We only live once, is this a girl you would like to spend your life with? Seriously?

[Chi townD]

I've used this analogy on this forum before and it might help identify your relationship.

 

 

My father gave me awesome advice one time. He said that if you treat the right girl with kindness, love and respect; then, she's going to give that back to you plus a lot more.

 

 

Now, was her throwing a pot of boiling water on you kind?

 

 

Was her cheating on you showing you love?

 

 

Was ditching you for others to party at her place after you've driven for three hours showing you respect?

 

 

Dude, you're with the wrong girl.

[Fleur de cactus]

Oh my goodness, I think you are addicted to being cheated on. Seriously, all this time, cheating, moving out, going to college and so on, you could not find any other girl who could accept you? I am trying to understand what is going on here, because forgiveness and a second and third, fourth... chance is not justifiable considering what she has done to you. You need to gain your serf esteem and respect because she cheats because she knows you will take her back. She is manipulative, and I don,t know why you don't see it.

 

You have to change. I don't even believe you will follow through any advice we give you here because this is who you are. That woman does not respect you. You are a doormat, she is selfish and you do not have any important place in her life, beside using you, She does not want you to get a better life without her, this is why she keeps following you each time you try to end the relationship. It is about her, not about you. She is a cheater and cannot live without cheating. Just run, this time and never look back.

[Keke1]

Why the nonchalant attitude about everything? Yes it made you weak and she attacked every single time. Ridiculous you let her walk over you like that.

[Try]

When I got to hers, the lights where on, so I knocked on the door. My heart was in my mouth – this was out of character for her since the dark days of the past. When she opened the door, she was shocked to see me – and inside she was partying with her friend and two other men (I do know them all, if that is relevent). Despite her having issues with alcohol in the past, I am not anti-drink – she doesn’t have to hide it from me – but she certainly wasn’t having a quiet one and putting her daughter to bed like she said. Let me clarify – I am not angry she is having a party – I am upset she tells me not to come, lying that she is having a quiet night and then does it with other people anyway.

her friend accidentally let slip that they were at a club on the Friday night when I couldn’t contact her and she was ‘tired’. I have never had a problem with her going clubbing, even when she was cheating, people still need to live – I just don’t know why she chose not to tell me…..guilty conscience?

You say things like "this was out of character for her since the dark days of the past", when the past was not that far ago and this is very much in character for her for most of the years that you have known her. You also say "I am not angry she is having a party - I am upset she tells me not to come", as if this was a party that you were not invited to, when in fact it was 2 couples getting together, where you were not part of any couple but she was. Also, you saying that "I have never had a problem with her going clubbing, even when she was cheating" is just so naive there is little for me to say. In most healthy exclusive relationships there are common normal boundaries on how you interact with the opposite sex, she observes none of these normal boundaries, and you are not even asking her to. Additionally, she is a serial cheater that you keep forgiving without consequent. Look up the word "cuckold", because this is what she wants you to be.

 

You have assets, no children with her, and you are not married to her. Move on and find someone that will respect you. There are plenty of women that will not physically abuse you (which included her pouring boiling water on you), and instead treat you with love. You need to seek a mental healthy expert to address the issues that have you in this sick relationship.

Edited August 6, 2015 by Try

[smackie9]

Cheat? You are worried about her cheating??! You need to be concerned about the physical violence....wow.

[beach]

You need to be happy that you now understand that you have an opportunity to get away from her brand of crazy.

 

You can't help her. She's not a decent person.

 

Keep her far away and starts new life where your building that home.

 

Be done with her! She has serious problems only she can face.

[qubist]

LeeroyBrown: are you really surprised she was lying to you?!! I normally try to be understanding of people who cheats and see if they have something missing but man this is extreme. she cheated on you all the time this is who she is. she knows how to get you back she has you on a leach,

just think about it you are going in a cycle she cheats,, lies about it, you catch her, admits then cry, you get mad then you soften up and forgive her in this cycle goes on and on . what do you think this cycle will somehow stop. trust me it will only stop if you do something about it. you lucky you are not married and have no kids with her. GET OUT NOW

she is not good for you you treated her kindly and she is taken you for granted, you are nothing but a security blanket for her and her daughter. you deserve better

[No Limit]

Runrunrun. She'll always have flings with her ex, don't put up with it.

[Chi townD]

Blah...I think this is a hit and run thread. Don't think the OP is coming back.

[lolablue17]

In the amount of let's say 20 years, the past 10 + the future 10, you lost the first 10. You should cut roses so you wouldn't lose the next 10!

 

RUN!

[beach]

The bottom line is that she lies and she cheats.

 

You've put up with it for 10 years!

 

She will likely continue with the same behavior patterns throughout her whole lifetime. It's a very long and miserable life if YOU don't change things. Change is up to you - you must be the one to take action.

[LoveRefreshed]

Leave her, GO NC. Block her from all outlets. Get away from her. File a restraining order. DUDE, For your life. do this.

[JS84]

No need to sugar-coat your opinions

 

In that case....jk

 

Dude, try to think of what you would tell yourself if you had read what you just wrote years before meeting your girlfriend. What advice and reaction would you have to all of that??

 

 

I won't say you wasted 10 years of your life, but you wasted a considerable amount of time in 10 years staying in this relationship. The # of positive qualities you listed about her are generic and countable on one hand. Now granted I'm sure she has more, but the cons of being in a relationship with this woman FAR outweigh the positives.

 

And are you seeing a therapist for yourself? Where is your self-respect that you would keep coming back to a woman who cheats and abuses you?? Who has faced no consequences for her actions from you other than the threat of leaving only for you to come back to give her just "one more chance". You sound like a domestic abuse victim.

 

You need to do what you did and walk away from her again for good and work on yourself. I'm sure your girlfriend has been cheating your entire relationship. I wouldn't be surprised if she was ****ing other guys besides you and her ex husband at the same time.

 

I know it's hard, but try to scrap together a modicum of dignity and walk away from that train wreck for good.

 

Also, I still cared for her – and as I grew stronger, the separation made me feel more capable of helping with her demons such as drugs, alcohol and anger.

 

You don't need to be Captain Save a Ho either. Not at the expense of your own mental and physical well being. It's not your job, responsibility or obligation to help those who clearly aren't interested in changing themselves.

[mystikmind2005]

There is no shortage of men in the world who are less concerned with monogamy, let her go and find one of them.