Will we ever work?

[Chen12]

Hello there! I would really like to know your thoughts on my relationship.

 

So my boyfriend and I have been on and off for quite sometime. We broke up for the first time in March and have broke up multiple times in April, stayed together throughout may, broke up again in June and again in July. We just got back together three days ago. After seeing a post on here about how on and off relationships do not work I decided to join and get some opinions about my relationship. So here I go

 

We talked for 2 months before we became official in August of last year. My boyfriend was literally my DREAM boyfriend before things got bad. I received nothing but unconditional love from his part. I'm pretty convinced that the problems with our relationship are because of me. In the beginning of our relationship our love was "one-sided" him loving me more than I loved him. I am a college student and he isn't so he was very insecure about our relationship even though I made sure that he didn't have to have doubts. He wanted to see me ALL the time and this was our "argument" that was a problem all fall semester than it stopped because I wasn't at college anymore.

 

Our second argument is that he didn't like that I had guy friends and was often suspicious about my guy friends and I. To solve this problem I stopped talking to them (which wasn't a problem because I realized later that he was right and they all wanted to be more than friends). Our third major argument was when using my laptop he saw that I had my email up. He saw emails about a dating app called pof. Weeks before i told him I had deleted my profile (which I didn't but meant to. I forgot about it completely because I wasn't using it). He was the angriest I've ever seen him but I was so angry that he snooped into my private emails that the argument somehow turned into him apologizing to me...

 

After this things were happy for a while and then he got a new job that made him work the graveyard shift and it was manual labor. He was always tired and constantly slept when we hung out. I was slightly upset but I understood. After a while he started missing dates that we had and I couldn't get a hold of him during the day because he was asleep all the time. I know that I should have been more understanding but at the time I was upset and we got into an argument about that.

 

The next argument was in february around his birthday. During his birthday week we hung out almost everyday....the day of his birthday I suggested that we hang out the day afterwards because I did not get any school work done during the week and was behind in my work. This, understandable, made him very mad and we had the biggest argument ever. So bad I suggested breaking up with him.... I later retracted that and I saw him later that day. This was the turning point in out relationship because things for that week was so intense and good I was on an emotional high I never felt before.

 

A month later I was having a bad night. I got drunk and was very rude to him and his sister. After that I noticed him getting distant and for the first time ever he suggest breaking up with me.......

 

This spiraled into 5 months of depression and emotional turmoil I never felt before. We were on and off and whenever we were on its because I begged for him back and whenever we were off he broke up with me. He said things like he didn't love me anymore and constantly brought up the POF and birthday incident. Its like he couldn't get past it. This last time that we broke up it lasted for 4 weeks (the longest we have ever been separated). He told me he couldn't get back with me even though he wanted to. He told me close to the last time he ended things he cheated on me and that I didn't deserve that. I wasn't shocked .... I suspected things like that because I saw that he was messaging girls on facebook. I forgave him and we are together again. Right now we are very happy. I am very happy and he made comments about how the vibe feels like the beginning of the relationship. He is very remorseful about what he has done but I don't blame him. I was being the worst girlfriend. I was clingy rude, a bitch at times and selfish.

 

I know I'm not perfect and I'm working on my flaws. The reason that I think the relationship went to hell is because I changed so much during the duration of our relationship. I went from calm, cool, collected, independent, funny and nice (all things that he liked about me)to anxious, sad, mad, mean,dependent and clingy. Also in January he got arrested and he is dealing with money issues. The time apart from him gave me a clear mind to step outside of myself and look at the way I was acting and the relationship in its entirety. We have a lot of good memories and my boyfriends a good person. I want him in my life forever but I'm starting to question whether or not we are good for each other. I honestly think when I wasn't being crazy I was a good influence on him. I encouraged him to go back to school, save his money and stop smoking illegal substances. I'm not sure if he's a good influence on me though.... Since knowing him he introduced me to a lifestyle that I don't want to admit to. He has shown me a kind of happiness I have never known before and a kind of emotional low that I never knew was possible for me.

 

My question is what do you think about our relationship?

 

Do you think that we will truly work?

 

I listed a lot of the bad things but keep in mind that up until 5 months ago I was VERY happy with him and he was with me. He brought up marriage all the time and how we should have a kid together.

 

 

I need an outsiders opinion.

Edited August 5, 2015 by Chen12

[Qboro90]

Sorry to be blunt but you just simply have a tumultuous college relationship. It's not healthy and won't last. The highs and lows are just due to each of you being young and immature and making excuses for one another's behavior. The longer you date one another the harder it's going to be to break up and really learn what a true relationship is like.

 

Ever hear the quote "the power of the relationship lies with the person who cares less"? That defines your relationship with him. When you started dating and he chased you and was clingy you acted carefree and treated him poorly. When he pulled away and acted like you weren't a big deal, that made you feel challenged and intrigued so your "high" was actually due to being mistreated. That's not good.

 

You even mention that he cheated on you and you just moved on and forgave him, no big deal. Um.. Yes it is a big deal.

 

Please tell me what this guy has going for him and what he's done to better himself and your relationship since you met him.

 

1. He doesn't have a descent job or career goal at al.

2. He is not getting back into school. He might say he wants to but his actions prove otherwise. He's actually getting farther and farther away from it.

3. He's a drug user and pulling you into behavior that isn't what you should he involved in. Essentially dragging you down with him.

4. Now his behavior and lifestyle had him arrested. Things are gonna get worse because he will at the very least be on probation for 6months- a year which means that he won't be able to get a better job bc it will show on his record until it's expunged (that's if it even will be, I have no idea how serious the arrest was)

5. Guy cheats on you.

6. He's controlling who you can and cannot talk to.

7. Manipulating you to think that he is actually right. You're mind is becoming more and more warped the more time you're with him.

 

When you first started dating you were focused on school and studying and making your life successful. Now he has you apologizing for wanting to study more and get work done in order to get good grades. I guess someone who has no desire to be in college or know what college work is like can easily say "just do it tomorrow, your time should be spent with me".

 

Break up now, stay broken up. Use your head. The logical part of you knows this relationship is unhealthy and hurting you. The immature "first love lust and infatuation" is keepin you coming back for more drama. Grow up ASAP!

[Chen12]

You are exactly right. I've been on the fence for a very long time about this. I've been thinking a lot and I realize that you are right. I thought I did but I don't fully trust him and he no longer makes me as happy as he used to. He broke up with me a couple of days ago because I upset him and I was going to try to beg him to take me back but when it actually came to it. I didn't want to. I try to imagine us being together and I realize that I don't want to be with him. I'm going to miss being with him but he has done so many things that I realized that our relationship will never be what it once was. I feel free! I occasionally miss him and think about all the good times we had but that's it. I only miss the good times that we had and I don't miss him as a person. He has changed and isn't the person I fell in love with. I'm very surprised at this but I look forward to dating again the future. I'm surprised because for the longest I saw him as the only person I wanted to be with. I'm over all of this. The tears, the heart breaks, worrying if he was going to break up with me all the time, stressing out over him and just being with him in general. I felt emotionally chained to him for so long but I'm finally free! I can't wait to rebuild my life again.

[Diezel]

Nope, it's not going to work out.