Can a guy and a girl ever JUST be friends?

[Maliel]

So I’m going to try and make this as brief and informative as I can. I’ve been dating this guy for a year and a half. We have kinda been on-and-off for that time, mostly cause it seemed like he wasn’t ready for a relationship, he is 28, I am 25.

 

The girl:

When I first met him I found out about a girl that he is friends with. She lives 300 miles away but they have cultivated this friendship over the phone for the past ten years, her giving him advice and vice versa, etc. Initially he wanted to be with her years ago, he went to visit her, she came here years ago; in total they have hung out maybe 20 times. From what I’ve been told they’ve never even held hands. He was there for her several times and she was there for him when his father died. When the guy I’m seeing sent her flowers for Valentine’s day around five years ago, she got happy and thanked him, but later said she didn’t see him as a friend and began dating someone else. She has had boyfriends who he has talked to before to be friendly. She currently lives with a boyfriend now. My boyfriend has had girlfriends, despite all of that.. they still remained friends and talked at least 3+ times a month. He said several months back that if she was in the same city as him and he had never met me, he’d consider dating her. He has told her about me and has gone to her for advice about me in the past. He has told her personal things about me, seeking advice, and I felt extremely hurt after that.

 

He has dated girls in the past but never had any serious girlfriends. Currently, we have gotten pretty serious. Before he would avoid calling me his girlfriend, not bring me to family gatherings and generally not put too much effort into making sure people close to him knew who I was or had a positive opinion of me. We started talking again in April of this year after about a month and a half of not talking. I missed him so I reached out. When we eventually met up, he did everything differently. I could tell that he really missed me, aside from him confessing that he did. For the past four months we had been communicating really well, he started calling me his girlfriend and bringing me to family gatherings. Everything made me so happy and I could tell he was making a huge effort.. until a week ago.

 

 

We had planned to hangout and he was running late. My boyfriend and this girl had been playing phone tag for about a week and she finally got in touch with him as he was running his last errand before seeing me. They ended up on the phone for an hour (when he was already late to see me) because she needed to vent to him about a fight with her boyfriend. When I found out about this I felt extremely weird. It made me feel like he prioritized her so much that it interfered with our plans. That night caused all those bad feelings I’ve had towards her to resurface.

 

After a bunch of talking, I told him that I cannot be comfortable with him and this girl anymore. Maybe it’d be different if she lived in the same city or even state, but as long as she’s a long distance friend I will always be excluded from their talks and I will never be able to meet her or get to know her. I could talk on the phone with her, but it’d just be so weird I feel like. Honestly, a part of me is somewhat intimidated/jealous because this is someone who he has fostered this ten year emotional connection with, someone who was there when his father died and went to the funeral- I’ll never be able to compete with that and I’ll always feel like I’m at a disadvantage. I feel like she is someone who he is very protective over and it makes me feel like I come second.

 

He has contended that he is not interested in her romantically and said that he’d tell her that they can’t talk anymore because he understands that it makes me feel weird. He has been clearly wrestling with the idea for a few days now. He doesn’t understand the problem with their friendship and even went as far to say I’m possessive and don’t trust him. He’s wrestling over what he will say to her. He has expressed that he doesn’t know what he’ll say. He’s concerned that he will come off as someone who still has feelings for her and doesn’t wanna sound like a ‘pussy.’

 

 

What the heck do I do in this situation?! I NEED someone to give me advice. I feel like I’m breaking up this special bond between two people if I say that they can’t be friends because the dynamic makes me too uncomfortable, and part of me worries he’ll just miss her. If I let it go and continue dating him while he’s friends with her, I’ll always feel like I come second and that she’s more special to him.

 

 

Sorry for the book. This has just weighed heavily on my mind the past week. I just need advice

[smackie9]

Nothing wrong with being friends BUT when someone enters a relationship those boundaries have to change. They both need to realize that they need to stop being each others emotional security blanket and grow the f up. I agree if you have issues, you should be talking to your partner about it and this is the reason why he hasn't had successful relationships in the past...he doesn't communicate with his partners....please point this out to him.

 

He shouldn't have to cut ties, but adjust the dynamics of their relationship. She needs to find a GF or her mom to cry on their shoulder. I'm glad you pointed it out to him that him prioritizing her is not appropriate, and very disrespectful to you. If he can't grasp that concept, then he isn't ready to be in a committed relationship with you.

 

 

BTW IMO they both need to make new friends and move on.

[Qboro90]

This is definitely a tough situation so I feel for you in going through it.

 

A couple thoughts and suggestions. First off it's totally normal that you feel jealous/threatened/unable to compete with this girl. You can tell him that you would not feel this way however while you understand he was being honest, he made the mistake of telling you that he had and has feelings for this girl romantically and also made the inconsiderate comment that if she was in the same city and you and him never met that he would consider dating her.

 

He's just an idiot for telling you that. And you should tell that to him. What good could have possibly came from him making that knowledge and emotion vocalized to you? He must've know that it would affect your view of her and eat away at your security.

 

I do not think you have anything to worry about simply because of the fact that she is hundreds of miles away and there is no way for them to share a physical relationship with one another at this point. Also, if they've being going about this for 10 years you should see that neither one of them cares enough about the other to make the move to be closer to the other person and try to make something work out. That's very telling. They truly seem to be friends and close yet they had feelings for one another at some point and those will always be there in some small way. That however does not mean that he cannot love and devote himself to you. Have you ever had a first love? Or a BF who you had to split up with because of a reason that had nothing to do with lack of feelings? If so you can understand how someone can harbor care for another yet be able to move on and date/love others fully.

 

What you should do is have a mature convo with him and express that you regret telling him that he cannot talk to her anymore. That was immature and selfish of you. However with that said he needs to understand how him talking to her on the phone for hours at a time and being late for your time together is something that is unacceptable and something you shouldn't have to put up with from your BF. If he respects you he will understand this and tell you that he will at least cut back on their talks and when they do talk it will not cut into or effect your time together. If you and her call him at the same time, you should know that he will take your call 100 times out of 100. You just don't feel that way right now and it's because he was SO open with you about his feelings and history with her.

 

Best of luck!

[smackie9]

Oh and yes he does still has feelings for her or he would tell you if she moved there and he was single he would for sure date her. In the back of his mind, he is still hoping one day he will have a chance to be with her...he has been obsessing over it. So he's full of it. A guy never invests so much into a relationship unless there is some kind of attraction.

 

If I were you, I would give this a month...if he stil struggles with it...you have lost the battle.

[johan]

The answer depends how you define "friends". That word is used for different kinds of relationships.

 

If you mean "can they be friends in a social setting where other people are around and there isn't much one-on-one time for the two or any special effort to pair up when opportunities arise", then, yes, that kind of friendship is possible and happens all the time. Also yes, if they are sort of inherited friends via other friendships, and again there is little extra effort to be together in that setting, and none outside it.

 

But in case there is one-on-one time to any extent and there is a lot of "getting to know each other" going on then usually one or the other or both want more, and no, in that case friendship ultimately isn't possible. Maybe it's not friendship at all at any time, just a pretense and hopeful foundation for something else.

[fitnessfan365]

Neither a man or a woman should ever accept friendship as a romantic rejection. They'll be lying to the other person pretending it's fine, and be miserable the more time they spend w-the person. If you make your attraction to a person known and they just want to be friends instead, you're better off walking away. But I do think it's possible for men and women to be genuine platonic friends in some cases :

 

1) A long time childhood best friend or family friend. Have known each other so long it's like brother and sister.

 

2) When the man or woman is gay.

 

3) A friend of your GF or BF. Assuming they're in a happy relationship w-your friend and you're happy w-your s/o, there's no reason to ever think it won't remain platonic.

 

4) A co-worker. Workplace crushes do develop. But there's also plenty of people who respect work/romance boundaries. So doing group co-worker hangouts after work, etc..

Edited August 6, 2015 by fitnessfan365

[carhill]

Guy here, one who had female friends at his age but am an old, and formerly married, guy now.

 

1. Have you met and interacted with his male friends? Impressions?

 

2. Are his communications with this decade-long female friend transparent?

 

3. How would you characterize your close male and female friendships? Does your BF interact with them? Impressions?

 

4. What's your fear here?

 

FWIW, I ended up proposing to my now exW at the house of an old boyfriend of hers, a guy who also became my friend over time, and my exW and I both mourned right there next to him when his wife and unborn child were tragically killed. We understood how friendships and marriage intermix but, of course, were much older than you and your BF are.

 

If you and he have an otherwise good relationship, you can work through this. His response, both the positive and negative, indicates a modicum of investment. Next steps by both of you will indicate the depth of that investment by each of you. Good luck!

[Maliel]

I do not think you have anything to worry about simply because of the fact that she is hundreds of miles away and there is no way for them to share a physical relationship with one another at this point.

 

I am almost more intimidated by this type of relationship. If she was in the same city or local and nothing happened after ten years, then i'd feel more comfortable. The long distance aspects allows for two people to really cultivate a strong emotional bond- because all you have is the emotional. That distance allows for you to almost fantasize about all of the physical things that could be just as wonderful as the emotional.

 

 

 

He shouldn't have to cut ties, but adjust the dynamics of their relationship.

 

I worry that if he doesn't cut ties, they'll just continue talking and nothing will truly change. At this point she's in the forefront of my mind to such a degree, that I almost think he loves her and doesn't even realize it himself, or want to admit it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

A guy never invests so much into a relationship unless there is some kind of attraction.

I said this and he claims that she's just someone who has always been there for him if he needed advice, etc and she's someone who never did anything wrong to him. In his eyes, if she's been such a great friend all this time.. why should he jeopardize that or 'punish her because she's a girl'

[Maliel]

Guy here, one who had female friends at his age but am an old, and formerly married, guy now.

 

1. Have you met and interacted with his male friends? Impressions?

 

2. Are his communications with this decade-long female friend transparent?

 

3. How would you characterize your close male and female friendships? Does your BF interact with them? Impressions?

 

4. What's your fear here?

 

1. His male friends are all around his age or older and most are still immature boys with no real relationships, unfortunately.

 

2. His communications are no transparent in the sense of I neve rknow when they talk, it's at random times. I don't always know what they talk about- I try to just trust him. It's long distance and via phone so it's not like I can be around when they talk really.

 

3. My BF doesn't really interact with my friends too much and when he does, he's polite. I don't have any close male friends at all, especially not to the degree that he has with this girl.

 

4. My fear is that he loves her and doesn't want to admit it or maybe realize it. I worry that he's secretly holding out hope that they'll be together one day. It feels like he's still keeping an ace in his back pocket because maybe he isn't fully happy with me.

[Maliel]

But I do think it's possible for men and women to be genuine platonic friends in some cases :

 

1) A long time childhood best friend or family friend. Have known each other so long it's like brother and sister.

 

2) When the man or woman is gay.

 

3) A friend of your GF or BF. Assuming they're in a happy relationship w-your friend and you're happy w-your s/o, there's no reason to ever think it won't remain platonic.

 

4) A co-worker. Workplace crushes do develop. But there's also plenty of people who respect work/romance boundaries. So doing group co-worker hangouts after work, etc..

 

1. They have been friends for a while and I would almost be okay with this point if he didn't admit several months back that he'd date her if she was local and he hadn't met me. That indicates physical attraction on his part and that he does not see her as a sister.

2. She is not gay.

3. I don't think this applies either..

4. She's not a coworker or anything like that.

[carhill]

Thanks for the response.

 

From your original post:

If I let it go and continue dating him while he’s friends with her, I’ll always feel like I come second and that she’s more special to him.

 

---------

 

Can you envision working that statement in a collaborative fashion with him, specifically addressing the part about how you feel? Can you identify aspects of interaction, in general, which would cause you to feel more positive regarding this interaction? Part of relationships is working as a team and part is compromise. While one's mind can remain open to options, one should also be mindful of healthy boundaries and be able to communicate them clearly.

 

You've apparently expressed a fear that, if you 'put your foot down', it'll drive his feelings underground and possibly magnify them. Is that right? If so, how do you propose to address this? Remember, you have complete knowledge of, and control over, your own actions and how you process your feelings and lack similar control and understanding regarding his. The middle ground comes through communication.

 

Does this sound like I'm not providing advice? Maybe! I learned a lot from a professional MC and part of that was that each of us finds our own truth in our own way. You'll find yours.

[Maliel]

It's just difficult because the fact that he has such a long friendship, they know each other so well, he confessed that he'd date her if he never met me and she lived closer makes me feel like he's just holding out hope. If he still continues to talk to her when he's in a relationship with me, it almost feels like emotional cheating.

[carhill]

Having experienced that dynamic in the past, I'd say your identification of this aspect is valid and definitely worth working. If he's 'carrying a torch' for this friend, it will imbue every relationship he enters with fallout. IMO, and this is advice, he needs to finish his business, one way or another, with this friend before he can be a full and involved partner with yourself. Will he? Unknown.

[HereNorThere]

As long as one of them is will never be attracted to the other one, yes. If there's attraction felt by both parties, no.

[Maliel]

Thanks for the response.

 

From your original post:

If I let it go and continue dating him while he’s friends with her, I’ll always feel like I come second and that she’s more special to him.

 

---------

 

 

Can you envision working that statement in a collaborative fashion with him, specifically addressing the part about how you feel?

 

I have told him that before, he knows how I feel, i've made it pretty clear without coming across as too accusatory but, I have made it clear that it feels like an inappropriate relationship. He has said that he doesn't want me to feel that way.

 

 

Can you identify aspects of interaction, in general, which would cause you to feel more positive regarding this interaction?

i feel like the only thing that might make things better is if I could get to know her in person or if she was closer and all contact seemed more casual and open. But she's 300 miles away, and has been. So there's no real option to hangout unless we're going to make a giant trip or something.

 

You've apparently expressed a fear that, if you 'put your foot down', it'll drive his feelings underground and possibly magnify them. Is that right?

 

Well, I fear that if i put my foot down about the issue and he does cut her off and discontinue contact, that he will be resentful eventually and maybe even villainize me subconsciously.. because I am a person who caused him to lose such a good friend in his life.

[Qboro90]

Are you aware of any possibility that she will be moving back to his area in the future? If she's locked in a job and/or owns property where she lives then you shouldn't worry about it because it's not plausable she'll return.

 

Take this as an opportunity for yourself. You say that you saw each other shortly and then after you left he realized that his feelings for you were stinger than he thought and he started treating you how you should be treated in the 2nd go round. Have a talk with him where you say that you would like to work on being that outlet for him to express himself and open up. You want and deserve the chance to be his supper system and not have that pivotal part of an relationship be given to someone else, especially another woman. He should be adult enough to see how that would make anyone feel.

 

Don't expect this all to happen at once. Be happy with small victories. When he tells you something about his family or job or a problem he's dealing with. Smells steps like that are what will help your relationship grow stronger. Too often women expect to be filled in on every detail and every intimate thought a man has when they start dating. It takes time for men to open up and share those things. Little by little once he sees that you can offer more and are actually there physically for him the balance will shift in your favor.

[Maliel]

As long as one of them is will never be attracted to the other one, yes. If there's attraction felt by both parties, no.

 

I feel like the rejection for furthering the relationship towards a more romantic place came from HER, not him. Therefore, the ball is in HER court primarily and SHE dictates the status of their relationship. If he said she was into him but he was never attracted to her in that way, i'd trust this friendship more. I feel like if a girl turned to most guys and said "wanna date?/hook up?" MOST would say yes. It's biology to me.

[Maliel]

Are you aware of any possibility that she will be moving back to his area in the future? If she's locked in a job and/or owns property where she lives then you shouldn't worry about it because it's not plausable she'll return.

 

 

She has worked where she is for a while now. I think she rents her property, as far as I know.. she doesn't own any property and isn't necessarily stuck where she is.

[Qboro90]

So what's has stopped them from getting back together or trying again over the last 10 years? If they dated and broke up then maybe they both realized that while they care about each other they just aren't right for one another. 10 years is a long time to dance around someone if you love them. I think they're just close friends with a history. Each probably doesn't know the boundaries to respect while dating someone else. That's something you communicating with him can solve. But demanding him not to talk to her. Probably not the best route .

[HereNorThere]

I feel like the rejection for furthering the relationship towards a more romantic place came from HER, not him. Therefore, the ball is in HER court primarily and SHE dictates the status of their relationship. If he said she was into him but he was never attracted to her in that way, i'd trust this friendship more. I feel like if a girl turned to most guys and said "wanna date?/hook up?" MOST would say yes. It's biology to me.

 

Definitely not. I have so many older women friends that would jump my freakin bones at the drop of a hat and I wouldn't do it.

[deadelvis]

Regarding the title of the post there's an old expression, that if you're a woman and you think a man is "just a friend" come out of the bathroom naked and tell him to **** you. If he says no because he values your friendship too much then he really is just a friend.

 

But to OP. Actually his relationship with her is probably considered emotional cheating considering the amount of energy he is putting into her friendship. That's not a normal friendship. He is confiding in her about your relationship and that undermines his role as your partner.

 

Check out this article

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/hope-relationships/201403/are-you-emotionally-cheating

 

Tell me if that sounds like his relationship with her. I'm not saying he's intentionally doing anything wrong. But definitely his investment in the relationship with her is sizable enough to probably constitute emotional cheating.

 

I completely sympathize with your situation and I think if he was a gentleman he would have stopped talking to her or at least minimized the conversations once he got into a relationship with you. To not do so suggests impropriety.

 

Your two options are simple. You can either swallow your pride and accept that he has an ongoing relationship which is relatively inappropriate, and just hope that over time it doesn't become a problem. Eventually she will get a boyfriend who doesn't feel comfortable with the relationship between them and she will have to stop talking to your boyfriend. I realize that's not much of a consolation but it will probably happen eventually. I also am in a similar situation and this is what I have been forced to do. You basically just hope that the situation never presents itself for them to be together alone. But the real drawback of this is the betrayed feeling you will have when he's telling her about problems in your relationship. And overall it will rob things from your own relationship if he is always giving his attention and confidence to another woman. Even if she does live 300 miles away.

 

Your other option is to somehow convince him to either make his relationship with her appropriate and respectful or discontinue it altogether. Honestly I realize that can lead to resentment, but in your situation it probably sounds pretty good having her never call him again

[mapofyourhead]

It's just difficult because the fact that he has such a long friendship, they know each other so well, he confessed that he'd date her if he never met me and she lived closer makes me feel like he's just holding out hope. If he still continues to talk to her when he's in a relationship with me, it almost feels like emotional cheating.

 

Oh geez. I guess props to him for honesty but if my SO said that to me about a close "friend" of his, I don't think I could deal with it. It means that there is the possibility that if she ever lived closer, he'd go for her. I would feel like a back up or second best. Their friendship is not genuinely platonic; it's only platonic because of the circumstances. If he wants to make it work with you, then he needs to willingly change the dynamic of his relationship with his friend. If he agrees to that and grows resentful about it, then there isn't much you can do. To me, it would say a lot about who is more important to him, and that he did it just to appease you rather than doing it because it was right.

 

As for whether men and women can be JUST friends, I think so. Two of my closest friends are men. One was interested in me for a bit back in college, but I was never interested, and now that we know each other so well, we know we would never work as a couple and therefore there is no lingering interest or "what if" (on his part, anyway, since I was never interested to begin with). My other friend was never interested in me, and neither was I. We've had a brother/sister relationship for years now.

 

I would not give up or change these friendships if my SO asked me to. I have never, ever been romantically interested in either of these guys and they're like brothers to me. If I had a friend that I'd been interested in at some point and/or could see myself getting involved with, then out of respect to my SO, I would tone down the relationship. I don't think it'd be appropriate to be that close to someone I'm attracted to if I'm dating someone.

[Heer]

Well being a girl and having a best guy friend I can honestly say that men and women can be just friends. I have a guy friend (Dan) that i knew all the way back from elementary school and even now, we are both in university and are good friends. Now it wasn't all smooth sailing because we have cuddled naked before but that was as far as it ever went. I'm actually glad that we did that because it really showed that we are good friends but physically and sexually he was not my type. My friendship with Dan was also based on mutual respect and understanding. When I had social anxiety he was there for me, when he had depression and family problems I was there for him. We both opened up and really understood each other as companions.

 

I feel that as long as feelings on both sides are reciprocated, men and women can be great friends just like any other person :).

[Grumpybutfun]

I have many women as just friends...we have been friends since childhood....but it takes maturity and healthiness to have friends of the opposite sex after marriage or LTR. Before...good...after marriage or LTR...not much of a chance...I've had too many women want to screw me.

G

[torturedartist]

So I’m going to try and make this as brief and informative as I can. I’ve been dating this guy for a year and a half. We have kinda been on-and-off for that time, mostly cause it seemed like he wasn’t ready for a relationship, he is 28, I am 25.

 

The girl:

When I first met him I found out about a girl that he is friends with. She lives 300 miles away but they have cultivated this friendship over the phone for the past ten years, her giving him advice and vice versa, etc. Initially he wanted to be with her years ago, he went to visit her, she came here years ago; in total they have hung out maybe 20 times. From what I’ve been told they’ve never even held hands. He was there for her several times and she was there for him when his father died. When the guy I’m seeing sent her flowers for Valentine’s day around five years ago, she got happy and thanked him, but later said she didn’t see him as a friend and began dating someone else. She has had boyfriends who he has talked to before to be friendly. She currently lives with a boyfriend now. My boyfriend has had girlfriends, despite all of that.. they still remained friends and talked at least 3+ times a month. He said several months back that if she was in the same city as him and he had never met me, he’d consider dating her. He has told her about me and has gone to her for advice about me in the past. He has told her personal things about me, seeking advice, and I felt extremely hurt after that.

 

He has dated girls in the past but never had any serious girlfriends. Currently, we have gotten pretty serious. Before he would avoid calling me his girlfriend, not bring me to family gatherings and generally not put too much effort into making sure people close to him knew who I was or had a positive opinion of me. We started talking again in April of this year after about a month and a half of not talking. I missed him so I reached out. When we eventually met up, he did everything differently. I could tell that he really missed me, aside from him confessing that he did. For the past four months we had been communicating really well, he started calling me his girlfriend and bringing me to family gatherings. Everything made me so happy and I could tell he was making a huge effort.. until a week ago.

 

 

We had planned to hangout and he was running late. My boyfriend and this girl had been playing phone tag for about a week and she finally got in touch with him as he was running his last errand before seeing me. They ended up on the phone for an hour (when he was already late to see me) because she needed to vent to him about a fight with her boyfriend. When I found out about this I felt extremely weird. It made me feel like he prioritized her so much that it interfered with our plans. That night caused all those bad feelings I’ve had towards her to resurface.

 

After a bunch of talking, I told him that I cannot be comfortable with him and this girl anymore. Maybe it’d be different if she lived in the same city or even state, but as long as she’s a long distance friend I will always be excluded from their talks and I will never be able to meet her or get to know her. I could talk on the phone with her, but it’d just be so weird I feel like. Honestly, a part of me is somewhat intimidated/jealous because this is someone who he has fostered this ten year emotional connection with, someone who was there when his father died and went to the funeral- I’ll never be able to compete with that and I’ll always feel like I’m at a disadvantage. I feel like she is someone who he is very protective over and it makes me feel like I come second.

 

He has contended that he is not interested in her romantically and said that he’d tell her that they can’t talk anymore because he understands that it makes me feel weird. He has been clearly wrestling with the idea for a few days now. He doesn’t understand the problem with their friendship and even went as far to say I’m possessive and don’t trust him. He’s wrestling over what he will say to her. He has expressed that he doesn’t know what he’ll say. He’s concerned that he will come off as someone who still has feelings for her and doesn’t wanna sound like a ‘pussy.’

 

 

What the heck do I do in this situation?! I NEED someone to give me advice. I feel like I’m breaking up this special bond between two people if I say that they can’t be friends because the dynamic makes me too uncomfortable, and part of me worries he’ll just miss her. If I let it go and continue dating him while he’s friends with her, I’ll always feel like I come second and that she’s more special to him.

 

 

Sorry for the book. This has just weighed heavily on my mind the past week. I just need advice

 

I watched an after-school-special once where a guy and a girl were friends.