Infatuation. You make me crazy. Blame shifting

[Confused48]

Ok, talk about blame shifting, but what about this.

 

Take a WS that is addicted to infatuation, to the idea of soul mates, one that repeatedly seeks that out. Not just with other partners, but with the married partner too.

 

So me, being that married partner, gets drawing in, repeatedly, to full on infatuation love with the WS. Only to learn, again, WS is not truly in love but just infatuated. With me, but still, not good.

 

This happens over and over. Interspersed with periods of WS being infatuated with others.

 

Then add to this mix that WS actually has sex with one of these others a few years back.

 

Now WS is going in and out of infatuation with me. Sometimes when WS is infatuated with me, I still feel it is real love. I feel it, like any fool in an affair fog but some other part of me knows it is not true. Knows that the right "other person" will draw WS away into infidelity in a second. It drives me crazy.

 

It was so bad today that, for no real fact based or logical reason, no danger on the horizon, yet I almost lost consciousness while entertaining irrational thoughts of a jealous nature. Am I losing my mind? Has anyone heard of losing your mind, going bat sh*t crazy because someone else was playing with their head?

 

The more WS tells me we are soul mates the more unstable I feel. I want it so bad but know it's not true, on some level. When WS admits we are not right for each other, I'm sad but not unstable. So am I blame shifting to say WS is making me crazy?

 

BTW, for back gound, I can't leave. Young kids. Finances. Plus I'm literally crazy in love with WS.

Edited August 6, 2015 by Confused48

[Ronni_W]

Well...not necessarily "blame shifting", but also not taking responsibility for what is going on in your own head and heart.

We really do have exclusive dominion and authority over our "inner stuff"; our thoughts and feelings and sense of identity/self. However. Where you say it feels like "someone else was playing with their head" -- yes, it does feel that way, but it's an illusion that it is our spouse (or child or parent or whatever). It's that we allow some type of...I look at it like an "entity" or some other part of me that has more-or-less taken over my mental faculties, and is working against my own best interest and what I know and have experienced.

 

Now. I'm allowing it of my own free will...and yet it does not feel like it is of my own free will in any way, shape or form. (If that makes any sense at all?) But, if I want to overcome it then I have to take full, 100% responsibility for what is happening in my own head and heart. I have to stop looking outside and accept that it's within my own psychology-mind-perspective where I will find my "cure" or freedom from this thing. I have to claim back my control over that interloping, intruding, son-of-a-gun "entity"...to which I somehow gave "squatter's rights" so that is playing with my head!

 

I'm still working on it . Only recently found these ideas I've shared here, and this is more-or-less where I am at the mo'.

 

Hugs and best of luck, Confused48. I know how frustrating and irritating and crazy-making those bleepin' thought-loops can be, especially when there is an inner sense that there's something about it that I'm not seeing from within my own perception filter. My sense is, though, that we can be victorious.

Edited August 7, 2015 by Ronni_W

[Confused48]

Ronni,

 

Yes I agree. Even if WS is totally messing with me, and I do not think that is true but whatver, if WS is just playing me for the benefit of WS, it is still on me to see that and act accordingly. I'm not in control of WS. Just me. WS is an individual, free to mess with me or not, as WS sees fit.

 

So let's see what WS is up to and act accordingly. Not let my mind go to crasy town. Or if it does, accept that I let it go there. No matter what games WS played, if my mind goes to crasy town it's bc I let it. I could always chose to disregard the WS.

[Ronni_W]

Confused48,

Yes, exactly.

I had a similar thing very recently, and I simply refused to engage on the same (reactive) level as I did in the past. I just stayed neutral...and, when needed (which wasn't nearly so often as I might have thought), went to my trusty journal to unburden myself of any less-than-stellar thoughts and emotions . As well, to check my own interpretation of events to make sure that I'm not just deluding myself about what he was doing or trying to do...trying to make him come out the "bad guy" all the time, which is my former pattern.

 

There is a difference, which may be subtle, between, "if WS is totally messing with me" and something like "if WS is TRYING to mess with me". The latter, you're taking back power over the situation that is happening both on the outside but, more importantly, that's happening inside your own head and heart. (As you say, not control over WS but the situation in which you find yourself...as perceived through your own perception filter.)

 

Again, wishing you all the best.

[66Charger]

Did you mistakenly post on the infidelity thread? Surely you know who resides here.

[66Charger]

Sorry posted on the wrong thread 48

[Confused48]

Did you mistakenly post on the infidelity thread? Surely you know who resides here.

 

Well 66, I know you meant this for another thread but maybe the reason I only got one response to this thread is that I do sound like a person in an affair fog. Like the OWs and OMs that post about their married AP who won't leave the marriage. I'm making myself crazy like they do.

 

I know my relationship is going to be problematic bc of my WS tendency to find a new "soul mate" so easily but can one ever build a solid relationship, if one or both parties believe in and participate in infatuation love or soul mate thinking? Even if the parties are faithful, does not that kind of thinking produce instability? Ironic I say this as I'm consciously participating in it.