How to intitiate NC

[Ifalltopieces]

What do you "owe" the other person when your ending things and going NC?

 

I saw something on the Internet about how affairs should be ended with integrity. This wasn't just a one night stand. This has been an intense, deep, emotionally\physically involved relationship. What do I owe him?

 

Do I tell him in person, email, text???

 

I want to do it the right way, if there is such a thing. All of the other times I have initiated NC I have done it over text and I have done it after I discovered some out landish lie. Most of my NC texts were out of anger and displayed such.

 

This time I want him to know I'm serious. I want him to feel my pain. Not that he is capable of that. But I hope somewhere deep down he will realize what he has done to destroy a part of my life.

 

Any suggestions?

What worked or didn't work for you?

I fear doing it in person...he has a temper and I really don't want to face his manipulation face to face so I'm thinking email or text...

 

Help...

[Popsicle]

"I can't wait anymore. Time's up. I need to move forward with my life. Goodbye."

 

(then block him from everything)

 

****************

 

You can't be concerned with what he feels. You only need to be concerned with what you feel and what you do going forward.

[nikki76]

it's not about him anymore, it's all about YOU.

 

You don't owe him anything.

 

Don't send a goodbye text. The only way he is going to know that you are serious, is if you completely and totally block and delete and throw him into the dark abyss.

 

All he's going to see in a goodbye text is an excuse to manipulate you. Don't let him have anymore chances.

 

You need to just get it over with. I know how hard it is. I agonized over doing it for far to long. Now I don't understand why I waited so long. You know it will hurt. But it will hurt more if you continue with this toxic person.

Edited August 6, 2015 by nikki76

[Sassy Girl]

What do you "owe" the other person when your ending things and going NC?

 

I saw something on the Internet about how affairs should be ended with integrity. This wasn't just a one night stand. This has been an intense, deep, emotionally\physically involved relationship. What do I owe him?

 

Do I tell him in person, email, text???

 

I want to do it the right way, if there is such a thing. All of the other times I have initiated NC I have done it over text and I have done it after I discovered some out landish lie. Most of my NC texts were out of anger and displayed such.

 

This time I want him to know I'm serious. I want him to feel my pain. Not that he is capable of that. But I hope somewhere deep down he will realize what he has done to destroy a part of my life.

 

Any suggestions?

What worked or didn't work for you?

I fear doing it in person...he has a temper and I really don't want to face his manipulation face to face so I'm thinking email or text...

 

Help...

Lol that's funny. Affairs certainly don't start with integrity, so why should they end with any? And for who?

 

I like Popsicles approach. If you need to say something say it in a line and close all the doors. Cut him off.

 

Integrity in affairs. Now I've heard everything

[Popsicle]

Lol that's funny. Affairs certainly don't start with integrity, so why should they end with any? And for who?

 

Thank you!

 

Whenever I would find myself thinking that I owed him something or thinking about his feelings, I would remember that the whole relationship was rogue and off the record anyway. There were no rules to follow and he certainly wasn't following any with respect to me as a woman, and for sure he wouldn't have respected me had I let it go on and he got caught by his wife. He would have dumped me with a quickness and done it with such callousness that I would have been devastated. So I just beat him to it and went flatline on him.

Edited August 6, 2015 by Popsicle

[MissBee]

What do you "owe" the other person when your ending things and going NC?

 

I saw something on the Internet about how affairs should be ended with integrity. This wasn't just a one night stand. This has been an intense, deep, emotionally\physically involved relationship. What do I owe him?

 

Do I tell him in person, email, text???

 

I want to do it the right way, if there is such a thing. All of the other times I have initiated NC I have done it over text and I have done it after I discovered some out landish lie. Most of my NC texts were out of anger and displayed such.

 

This time I want him to know I'm serious. I want him to feel my pain. Not that he is capable of that. But I hope somewhere deep down he will realize what he has done to destroy a part of my life.

 

Any suggestions?

What worked or didn't work for you?

I fear doing it in person...he has a temper and I really don't want to face his manipulation face to face so I'm thinking email or text...

 

Help...

 

Based on what you're saying, how he feels is neither here nor there really.

 

If you have been in pain and if he is angry and manipulative does it really matter how he feels? You're ending it FOR YOU, not for him and his ego or feelings. NC is purely for you to end things and heal, it's not for the other person to feel your pain or learn any lesson or do anything. That's something only they can figure out on their own time or never...

 

If he will manipulate you in person then send an email or text saying it's over and you will not be contacting him to heal and he shouldn't contact you. But please, be honest with yourself and be ready. If you're just doing it to manipulate him in return, have him change his mind about the A, feel your pain, be sorry etc...then you're not doing it for the right reasons.

[winterkeep]

I agree that you owe him nothing but you need to end this in a manner that will enable you to hold your head up high knowing you acted with dignity and didn't give him the ability to turn all this around onto you - how this can be achieved for you is obviously very personal.

 

From my perspective I don't think just disappearing on ANYONE is the right thing to do and will allow him to play the wounded victim hence diminishing (in his disordered thinking) all of his bad behaviour that led to you making this decision in the first place.

 

I'd make a list of exactly what you want to say with a BIG reminder for yourself why you want to be free of this situation and call him. Give yourself an "Elevator Message" a quick, business like 30 second grab of it's over, you're moving on and will not change your mind - let him respond but stay strong! Then hang up and block him. Then put the phone down, get out of the house and distract yourself for a bit while the urge to call back and say you were wrong or to unblock and see if he's contacted you has passed!

 

I like the direct approach over passive aggressive Don't do it in person though, this isn't a normal relationship so you don't owe him that and it will only drag this **** out longer then it needs to be.

[Poppy47]

You don't owe him a thing. Forget about the intensity of it and just end it.

 

I would go for a short email. Don't answer your phone or anything else.

 

Poppy.

[Dela]

i did it in person, but that s just me... it was very painful, but it s what i chose

[NewLeaf512]

What do you "owe" the other person when your ending things and going NC?

 

I saw something on the Internet about how affairs should be ended with integrity. This wasn't just a one night stand. This has been an intense, deep, emotionally\physically involved relationship. What do I owe him?

 

Do I tell him in person, email, text???

 

I want to do it the right way, if there is such a thing. All of the other times I have initiated NC I have done it over text and I have done it after I discovered some out landish lie. Most of my NC texts were out of anger and displayed such.

 

This time I want him to know I'm serious. I want him to feel my pain. Not that he is capable of that. But I hope somewhere deep down he will realize what he has done to destroy a part of my life.

 

Any suggestions?

What worked or didn't work for you?

I fear doing it in person...he has a temper and I really don't want to face his manipulation face to face so I'm thinking email or text...

 

Help...

 

 

don't advise, do not text, do not call, do not meet do not email, regular mail or send a smoke signal. Simply stop doing everything as if he doesn't exist

[FusionCutter]

How do you jump off the diving board? Rip off a bandaid? NC?

 

You. Just. Do. It.

 

No fancy goodbyes, no fancy letters. Just do it.

[Got it]

Obviously it varies. I would not want someone to just go dark on me when ending a relationship so some head's up would be appreciated.

 

When we had ended we had a few discussions with it both in person and via the phone. And then I kept NC for my own sake to work on moving on.

 

It is really up to you and what you need.

[unluckycharms]

don't advise, do not text, do not call, do not meet do not email, regular mail or send a smoke signal. Simply stop doing everything as if he doesn't exist

 

Completely agree. One of us will want to end it "on a good note" or "with closure" but that really just ends up being an excuse to talk more and see each other again, which keeps everything going. I haven't been completely successful at cutting off contact with my ex yet but the times I've come the closest are where I just did it out to the blue. Just remember that you don't owe him anything.

[NewLeaf512]

Obviously it varies. I would not want someone to just go dark on me when ending a relationship so some head's up would be appreciated.

 

When we had ended we had a few discussions with it both in person and via the phone. And then I kept NC for my own sake to work on moving on.

 

It is really up to you and what you need.

 

My exMM went dark and it was the best thing ever. It eliminated all avenues and was final and definite.

[MissBee]

My exMM went dark and it was the best thing ever. It eliminated all avenues and was final and definite.

That's how it was for me too and I was pissssssed! But it ended up being the best thing because we had tried before, so many times, to end amicably over discussions or tried to "just be friends" and really at the time I wasn't strong enough neither was he to end things through some mature discussion and then shaking hands and going our separate ways. It always ended up eventually going back to the status quo. It had to come down to him going dark, painful as it was, for things to truly end and for me to move on. We ended up reconnecting but it wasn't until a whole year of NC had passed.

 

I don't think going dark should be the default in most relationship scenarios, but in the case of an A (or other relationship) that you're describing as painful and have admittedly tried ending before multiple times and tried to have talks and got manipulated into* not ending things or the person got angry, it will probably be best to forget having some talk or waiting for a mutual agreement and you should probably just go ahead and make a unilateral decision... after all it won't really be totally unexpected if you have tried before and if they know you're unhappy. You can simply send an email or text if you want stating what you plan to do and then do it. No need to meet face to face, no need for them to cosign, agree or give any form of input, it's totally your choice and you're just informing them and swiftly putting it into motion.

Edited August 6, 2015 by MissBee

[privategal]

Nothing speaks louder than silence.

Plan a date to dissappear...read some nc articles, get some things lined up like a trip or new ventures or classes...

Be prepared for the hurt...get strong...then just do it, like a bandaid.

Make bigger changes too if you can like changing your driving route..making a place at home to meditate or journal or paint or just to relax and enjoy.

Maybe go visit an out of town friend or take a cooking ir painting or yoga class. Change your look, change everything so you dont feel empty.

Get excited for a new life!

Then also get off the boards here if you can and disassociate yourself from the whole thing for a good while.

You can do this.

[Starbright78]

Then also get off the boards here if you can and disassociate yourself from the whole thing for a good while.

You can do this.

 

I found that staying on these boards after I went NC helped me and still are actually. After reading the painful stories of what OW go through, it keeps a fresh reminder of what I don't want to go through again. Plus, when I read about affairs that were so much more intense then mine it puts things in perspective for me.... If they can go and stay NC and come out happier in the end then so can I!