Dumped him, what did I do wrong?

[CrystalCastles]

Hey Loveshack people. I haven't been posting in some time but I need to unload.

 

I dumped my boyfriend last week. We dated over a year and this was my first relationship.

 

It was also an enormous nightmare.

 

About 6 months ago, I found out that my boyfriend thought it was perfectly ok to go over to an ex's house, if that ex is still a friend, and have a sleepover there. He also thought it was perfectly ok to sleep in the ex's bed, with the ex in it, while in a relationship. It was a hypothetical situation because he started talking about some things that lead me to ask this question, and I freaked out. He then proceeded to accuse me of not trusting him, and that its not cheating and nothing would happen. He made me feel like an absolute nutcase and somehow I believed him. That I was overreacting, that I didn't trust him and that this was normal. I spent a month agonizing over this information until I couldn't take it anymore and told him to cease this behaviour or I'm gone. He reluctantly agreed (but later brought up that he never agreed with me on this, and that if only I was more patient he would show me that this is reasonable).

 

He also said things like "you're pretty but not beautiful. Beautiful is too strong of a word" but then he'd see an actress on TV he liked and say "oh my God, she's sooo stunning, gorgeous, beautiful, I'm sooo jealous of her husband!". I realize it was an actress but that was hurtful. That he doesn't consider me good enough to be beautiful but some other woman is. He told me that he knows that I probably wouldn't want to hear that since I'd want to be number one for him, but he didn't want to be dishonest.

 

I also planned almost all the dates, and I planned almost all the times we'd have sex. If I didn't plan for sex, we wouldn't have it for like, a month, and he'd be ok with it. Apparently he didn't masturbate as a substitute either. He also told me that in his single years he'd go with masturbating a couple of times a year. How. I masturbate at least once a day, often two or three.

 

He also had terrible hygiene. He showered every other day, so when he'd take a dump on the non-shower days his butt stays dirty. He also had huge dandruff problems, and brushed his teeth once a day only (for like, 10 seconds, seriously, it takes me longer to go pee). He also didn't exercise, or rarely does, eats out because he can't cook and doesn't want to learn but he doesn't eat healthy. He told me he doesn't like that I'm "obsessed with the naturalness of food". What the hell does that even mean. I work out a few times every week, eat very healthy food. He also dressed in clothes that were very torn or stretched out from too many washes, and for the first many dates, sneakers with holes so big you could see the sock through. When I asked him, kindly and sensitively to please brush his teeth more often and dress up a bit more on dates, he called it "making demands" and that I have OCD and that I'm controlling. He also shops for clothes with his mom. He's 25 (I'm 22).

 

I have been to his parents' house before. Their house is like something out of "Hoarding: Buried Alive!".

 

He was also very awkward with sex and stuff in general. He liked to thrust as hard as he could, which would hurt my cervix. He also didn't really do enough foreplay and would last so long before he came that my vagina was super sore and dry (normally I'm so wet that the juices drip down my legs so lube was not the issue). He also wrote me dirty messages like "when I come back to [our city (he was out of town last year)], the first time we will have sex and I will take your virginity, I imagine that you will be lying on top of me and we will be naked, and my hard cock will go "tap tap tap" against your vagina like its saying "can I come in?"". And many other equally awkward and cringeworthy things.

 

He also had problems with feelings. He sometimes said stuff like "I don't know what love is". And "I'm generally neutral about things. I sometimes get excited but I never felt dread or despair or been upset before". He did act very cold and indifferent and we had a lot of fights about this. He also had weird vices about words, and was super obsessed with making sure he was honest, even if the things he said were terrible and hurtful.

 

There are many more similar issues but I don't want to list all of them. A lot of people I introduced him to later asked if he was gay when I mentioned to them we broke up. He did act very very feminine so he might be a closeted gay who is angry about being closeted, but I'm not sure why I have to put up with his sh**ty behaviour.

 

I'm sorry this is so long. I just want to know how to avoid these kinds of men in the future. I am also not sure why I attracted this type in the first place. I sometimes chew people out on here about boundaries but looks like I have none myself. If people can offer suggestions or any input at all that would be great.

Edited August 6, 2015 by CrystalCastles

[jay1983]

Damn dude, I can't even defend him. Lo!

 

Yeah I think you most likely did the right thing. You didn't have to dog him like that though. Lol

[Ruby Slippers]

I only had to read 1/3 of your post to see clearly that this guy was a major DUD. You definitely did the right thing.

 

But breakups can be tough, so take it easy for a while.

[TaraMaiden2]

What you did wrong was to stay with him as long as you did.

 

Keep your radar clean, you'll spot the duds a lot faster and bail before you get in too deep.

 

Don't throw yourself in headlong to fast, too soon. Be careful who you give your heart to.

Ask yourself at the end of each day: "Has he made this day worth-while for me?"

 

(of course, you should be doing the same for him. If he doesn't reciprocate or lets you do all 'the work'... well, there's your answer....)

[gaius]

From what I remember you used to kind of have an online attraction to another guy who was kind of the same type. Short, loserish, unappealing to the vast majority of other women. So I'm guessing it's more of a self worth thing on your part since it's a pattern. I went through something similar when I lost a ton of weight and wasn't fully aware of what I had transformed into. It can take a long time to shift your self perception to be more in line with how other people see you.

 

And when you do end up dating down that's often the reaction you'll get from your partner. Passive aggressive hostility. There's no valid reason he couldn't give you a genuine compliment except to be a dick. I bet someday you'll end up with a guy that's like 10x the man this one was, better looking, taller, more masculine, and he'll be way more into you too. Because you're on his level.

[writergal]

Don't blame yourself. You got stuck with a real DUD. Chalk it up to a good learning experience. He showed you what you don't want in a boyfriend. So, the next time you find yourself dating a guy who you see yourself long-term with, make sure that guy doesn't have anything in common with this one.

[acapelo_dp]

Wow, you definitely dodged a bullet there! Sounds like he was a pretty terrible (and gross) boyfriend! You have the freedom to find a great man that treats you right now

[Guilty Good Girl]

I was shocked at the title of this post. What did you do wrong? ....For some reason woman are assuming they have control over someone's character or quality. Like if you wore your hair a certain way he wouldn't have slept in someone else's bed....hmmm makes you wonder.

YOU couldn't have controlled this anymore than the next one he does it to. YOU can only control why you would have wasted another millisecond with this creep.

 

I will admit, I only had to read the first paragraph and that was all I needed to read.

 

I have been there and done that and now am an advocate for helping out with a direction. The reality is, he will still be in touch and until you become a little bit better you will fall prey to it again. Your story is something I like to see on our website.

 

I think the next article will be towards your honor on these types of relationships.

 

~Tggg

 

About 6 months ago, I found out that my boyfriend thought it was perfectly ok to go over to an ex's house, if that ex is still a friend, and have a sleepover there. He also thought it was perfectly ok to sleep in the ex's bed, with the ex in it, while in a relationship. It was a hypothetical situation because he started talking about some things that lead me to ask this question, and I freaked out. He then proceeded to accuse me of not trusting him, and that its not cheating and nothing would happen. He made me feel like an absolute nutcase and somehow I believed him. That I was overreacting, that I didn't trust him and that this was normal. I spent a month agonizing over this information until I couldn't take it anymore and told him to cease this behaviour or I'm gone. He reluctantly agreed (but later brought up that he never agreed with me on this, and that if only I was more patient he would show me that this is reasonable).

 

He also said things like "you're pretty but not beautiful. Beautiful is too strong of a word" but then he'd see an actress on TV he liked and say "oh my God, she's sooo stunning, gorgeous, beautiful, I'm sooo jealous of her husband!". I realize it was an actress but that was hurtful. That he doesn't consider me good enough to be beautiful but some other woman is. He told me that he knows that I probably wouldn't want to hear that since I'd want to be number one for him, but he didn't want to be

[fireflywy]

Sounds like he was a winner!

 

18 seconds in if it doesn't play.

 

 

Jk.

 

You didn't do anything wrong! He sounded like a creep.

Edited August 6, 2015 by fireflywy

[CrystalCastles]

Wow! :love: You guys are lovely! :love: So much support, thank you so much! :love: I feel a thousand times better, the advice is great, I am relieved I made the right decision.

 

Damn dude, I can't even defend him. Lo!

 

Yeah I think you most likely did the right thing. You didn't have to dog him like that though. Lol

 

I'm not sure what the bolded means, but I can't understand how this guy would deserve defense. I have been defending him against anyone who said anything against him, even my best friend and my family. I was in huge denial for a while.

 

So I'm guessing it's more of a self worth thing on your part since it's a pattern. I went through something similar when I lost a ton of weight and wasn't fully aware of what I had transformed into. It can take a long time to shift your self perception to be more in line with how other people see you.

 

And when you do end up dating down that's often the reaction you'll get from your partner. Passive aggressive hostility. There's no valid reason he couldn't give you a genuine compliment except to be a dick. I bet someday you'll end up with a guy that's like 10x the man this one was, better looking, taller, more masculine, and he'll be way more into you too. Because you're on his level.

 

The second paragraph is very sweet, gaius. I'm so touched that you would think that about me. My best friend, sister, parents and other close friends (even those who are acquaintances) say the same thing. I think that I just have terrible self-esteem because I used to be really awkward and was a late bloomer so I'm not yet comfortable in my own skin as you said.

 

The thing is, this guy knew that. Yet he still made that stupid comment about my looks? The actress he gushed about was Carey Mulligan. I don't understand how I can be compared to her, its like comparing apples to oranges. This actress has professional makeup artists working on her, hairstylists too, people pick out her clothes for her and with good lighting and photoshop its no surprise she looks stunning. I'm on the other hand, a university student. I don't even wear makeup. I do exercise regularly and eat healthy food (I'm 5'11, 130 pounds) so its not like I'm so gross that such a comment would be warranted. He also gushed about Emma Stone, I pointed out the same, but he waved it off. Maybe I need to transform into Carey Mulligan or Emma Stone for him to think I'm worthy.

 

To the posters who asked about the title, I meant not whether dumping him was wrong (it was definitely a good decision) but whether I was missing cues that would have pointed me to the problem earlier. I'm not sure how to be able to see these kinds of red flags before we become official. Because the really huge red flags came out when I was already attached, and by that point it was difficult to leave him. Can dressing badly be a red flag? I don't mean the latest fashions, but if a guy shows up in clothes with huge holes in them, this means he doesn't respect himself and doesn't respect me either. And it probably means he has gross habits. I don't know.

[serial muse]

To the posters who asked about the title, I meant not whether dumping him was wrong (it was definitely a good decision) but whether I was missing cues that would have pointed me to the problem earlier. I'm not sure how to be able to see these kinds of red flags before we become official. Because the really huge red flags came out when I was already attached, and by that point it was difficult to leave him. Can dressing badly be a red flag? I don't mean the latest fashions, but if a guy shows up in clothes with huge holes in them, this means he doesn't respect himself and doesn't respect me either. And it probably means he has gross habits. I don't know.

 

Yeah, I think that wearing clothes with holes in them while you're starting out can be a kind of red flag. Dressing nicely to please you isn't a guarantee that a person will be good to you - but if someone doesn't take the trouble to make an effort at the beginning of the relationship, then I think that does say something about who they are. He sounds selfish and immature and emotionally lazy, and ... well, very like a child in many ways. Thinking back to a year ago, were there signs of this? I don't know what your early dates were like, but I would suspect that the guy you described in your OP wasn't hiding it very well. But it's hard to point out the red flags from this side of the computer, since we weren't there.

[SpiralOut]

 

To the posters who asked about the title, I meant not whether dumping him was wrong (it was definitely a good decision) but whether I was missing cues that would have pointed me to the problem earlier. I'm not sure how to be able to see these kinds of red flags before we become official. Because the really huge red flags came out when I was already attached, and by that point it was difficult to leave him. Can dressing badly be a red flag? I don't mean the latest fashions, but if a guy shows up in clothes with huge holes in them, this means he doesn't respect himself and doesn't respect me either. And it probably means he has gross habits. I don't know.

 

 

Yeah the bad clothes would be a red flag. I think most people have some clothes with holes in them or stains on them that they wear on laundry day, but it's not cool to wear them out on a date.

 

 

You can also pay attention to how he acts with other people. For example, does he act like he cares about other people's feelings. Next time you could also wait longer to make things official so that you have more time to decide if the guy is right for you or not. It can take a while for someone to show their true colours.

Edited August 8, 2015 by SpiralOut

[CrystalCastles]

Thinking back to a year ago, were there signs of this? I don't know what your early dates were like, but I would suspect that the guy you described in your OP wasn't hiding it very well.

 

I have thought about this quite a lot because to be frank I am not sure how I missed these details. The early dates were super, actually. I would not have predicted anything like this. He did wear clothes with holes in them from day one, but at the time I thought "well so far this is the only minus, everything else is a plus".

 

He was very nice, gentlemanly, held doors for me, was very romantic and planned the first few dates, we clicked well, he always picked me up from my house and was never late. The first major red flag happened after month three, and by that time it was hard to leave because we had been so glued at the hip that I became really attached. That's when his lack of emotion and coldness surfaced. Otherwise he had actually been much less of a zombie at the beginning.

 

Now that I look back, there were some minor issues but I didn't think of them as a big deal at the time. I remember I was at his place and we were cooking. He shared an apartment with a friend from HS. But it seemed the friend provided all the furniture, dishes, decorations, microwave, everything besides his bed. Everything was hers. I asked where his stuff was and he said something along the lines of why buy it when he can just use his friend's. I thought that sounded like he was mooching but for some reason I dismissed it.

 

We also wrecked a pot at her house by heating it too hot and the bottom was too thin. I told him we need to replace the pot, or at least give his friend money so that she could go buy a replacement she likes. My ex said "don't worry I will take care of it". I later, much later, found out that he never did replace anything.

 

Yeah the bad clothes would be a red flag. I think most people have some clothes with holes in them or stains on them that they wear on laundry day, but it's not cool to wear them out on a date.

 

 

You can also pay attention to how he acts with other people. For example, does he act like he cares about other people's feelings. Next time you could also wait longer to make things official so that you have more time to decide if the guy is right for you or not. It can take a while for someone to show their true colours.

 

Oddly enough he was actually really nice to everyone. My friends who knew him, and our mutual friends who are also my coworkers, said he was really nice. I think while he acts very cold and heartless, he is otherwise a very polite person, he seemed really likeable and got along well. So frankly I was and still am baffled.

 

I agree, most people definitely have some bad clothes, I am guilty myself. However the bad clothes is stuff I sleep in, or wear around the house esp. since I clean floors in them, cook, garden in them. Whereas my ex would wear clothes that he slept in on the actual date! Mind boggling.

[CrystalCastles]

The hardest thing is knowing what is a red flag and what isn't. I recognize that some things I won't like in everyone. Every person has good sides and bad sides. I just am having a hard time deciding which bad things I can dismiss as a person's "imperfections" and which are red flags.

[Arieswoman]

CC,

 

I have been to his parents' house before. Their house is like something out of "Hoarding: Buried Alive!".

 

Next time you see this ^^^ run for the hills - the fruit doesn't fall very far from the tree......

 

He showered every other day, so when he'd take a dump on the non-shower days his butt stays dirty.

 

He also shops for clothes with his mom. He's 25 (I'm 22).

 

And you dated this guy for a year ????

 

Ask yourself ; if a person can't even cope with basic stuff, like personal hygiene how can they cope with life?

 

Pat yourself on the back for dumping this slob.

[Tayla]

perhaps based on preference this was not a relationship worth investing in.

 

As someone who raised sons, I must say the bashing of the ex is a bit much. Here was an opportunity to an extent to encourage or accept the person. Some great people have not been judged by their physical appearance or attire , but instead on their goodwill towards others. Call it maturing to better pastures if your needs weren't met... yet I do hope you realize that most ppl when given support and encouragement do rise to the occassion. When ppl choose to end it , take the good ( and there was some) . May you find a good relationship that enhances you both.

[Phoe]

CC, I definitely get it.

 

Remember a year ago when I would post about my ex, and get some pretty rough responses? Because it's easier said than done. And I know that you now understand that.

 

Remember I defended him? Tried to point out the good? Felt like I was a record stuck on repeat trying to state that I really felt he was a good person, but needed help resolving the bad things?

 

After spending so long defending someone, while letting all the irritation fester inside, it eventually boils over. Some might see you being a bit harsh, or "bashing" your ex. But you held that in for so long hoping for that sliver of light.

 

It's all so much easier said than done. Even if right now you're confused and wondering what went wrong, soon enough you will have learned from it. As you disconnect from the relationship and look at it objectively, you'll start seeing the red flags quite clearly. You'll remember the first time you waved off those red flags. By going through this you will have made yourself that much more perceptive for the next time. Even if you don't know it right now.

[CrystalCastles]

CC,

 

Next time you see this ^^^ run for the hills - the fruit doesn't fall very far from the tree......

 

And you dated this guy for a year ????

 

Ask yourself ; if a person can't even cope with basic stuff, like personal hygiene how can they cope with life?

 

Pat yourself on the back for dumping this slob.

 

My parents said the same when I came back from my ex's parents' house and told them. They were appalled. His parents told me not to take my shoes off when I came over. They have no dining table- no room for it. So they eat on the couch and whatever food falls to the floor the dogs pick up. I have never seen so many dust bunnies and dirt and piles of junk in my life.

 

They are not rich, but I feel that's no excuse. My best friend's parents aren't rich either but their home is always clean and pleasant to be in.

 

The hygiene thing was most confusing. To brush my teeth twice a day, wash my face in the morning, and floss, it takes me 10 to 15 minutes. Showering takes 10 to 15 minutes (including shaving, lathering up my whole body, washing and conditioning my hair etc). That's not a lot of time out of a 24 hour day.

 

As someone who raised sons, I must say the bashing of the ex is a bit much. Here was an opportunity to an extent to encourage or accept the person. I do hope you realize that most ppl when given support and encouragement do rise to the occassion.

 

Yeah, maybe I wasn't clear in my OP.

 

I am not bashing him. I never once said anything insulting about him here or called him names.

 

I did my best to voice my concerns in a sensitive and kind way. After two months I gently asked "hey I really like it when guys dress up on dates. I noticed you don't do that as much, would it be possible if you could consider that please?" in a nice, calm manner. He did change his dressing a bit, its true, and I gushed and complimented his looks. He was still a huge fan of very stretched out old clothing but at least the clothes and shoes with holes were thrown out. But then I found out about his washing and teeth brushing habits and I again said very nicely. He accused me of being controlling and that I was "badgering" and "mothering" him. And later he told me all my requests bothered him, that I was "making demands".

 

So he didn't "rise" to any occasion. I agree that dressing badly doesn't automatically make a person bad. But it comes off as lazy, and I found out more lazy habits that later surfaced. I know some people who are nice who dress badly, hence why I didn't automatically dismiss my ex when we first started dating.

 

CC, I definitely get it.

 

Remember a year ago when I would post about my ex, and get some pretty rough responses? Because it's easier said than done. And I know that you now understand that.

 

Remember I defended him? Tried to point out the good? Felt like I was a record stuck on repeat trying to state that I really felt he was a good person, but needed help resolving the bad things?

 

After spending so long defending someone, while letting all the irritation fester inside, it eventually boils over. Some might see you being a bit harsh, or "bashing" your ex. But you held that in for so long hoping for that sliver of light.

 

It's all so much easier said than done. Even if right now you're confused and wondering what went wrong, soon enough you will have learned from it. As you disconnect from the relationship and look at it objectively, you'll start seeing the red flags quite clearly. You'll remember the first time you waved off those red flags. By going through this you will have made yourself that much more perceptive for the next time. Even if you don't know it right now.

 

Thank you!

 

To be honest at the time, I didn't understand your posts, and why it was so hard for you to leave someone who treated you so badly. But I see how hard it is now. Its because you become attached. This person is your partner, your boyfriend, not just some random nobody you don't care about.

 

I posted before about my boyfriend's dressing habits and money habits. People called him a miser and penny pinching IIRC and some other nasty words I can't remember and it hurt to read, especially since it was true. I didn't want to admit to myself that that was the man I picked.

 

I especially agree with the last paragraph. Before I eventually had enough I kept trying to make the relationship work. I kept asking him what he needs to be happy, what I should do to make him happy. I kept putting in the effort, changing things up, coming up with date ideas that were fun and unusual, complimenting him, doing my best not to get angry when he made me wait an hour before picking me up for a date, any rudeness on his behalf I did my best not to get angry about. I did literally everything I could because I was in SUCH huge denial that for some reason I felt like if I let this guy go I wouldn't have anyone else, like this was as good as I could get. Now that I'm not in the relationship anymore I am actually THRILLED! I am happier than I've been in the past year. Its better to be single than to be in the relationship I was in.

Edited August 8, 2015 by CrystalCastles

[Els]

Well, I don't think you should beat yourself up too much for 'attracting' him. All sorts of men are attracted to all sorts of women. If we all defined ourselves by the worst person who was attracted to us, we'd all be pretty awful people... If it was a pattern I can see the rationale behind this line of thought, but this is your first real boyfriend, and one data point does not a pattern make.

 

That being said, what is the reason why you didn't leave sooner once you noticed all of this? Do you think it's just inexperience, in which case you will just do better next time, or do you think there are bigger issues that you might need to work on? I think most of us have at least one ex whom we stayed with for just waaaaay longer than we should've. I had a couple of those myself. It's all part of learning about yourself and about relationships IMO.

[CrystalCastles]

That being said, what is the reason why you didn't leave sooner once you noticed all of this? Do you think it's just inexperience, in which case you will just do better next time, or do you think there are bigger issues that you might need to work on?

 

I honestly have no idea anymore. I used to think I knew what I wanted but now I'm just confused.

 

I think it was because I didn't know what was normal. He acted like everything he said was totally normal and people did it all the time. Plus when he said the thing about the exes/single ladies and I freaked, he proceeded to give me all this flak about how I don't trust him. I have no idea what is normal, this didn't seem normal to me.

 

I always kind of had some self-esteem issues, and he knew this. I remember he told me that with every girl in the past that he was interested in, he'd never make a move. He'd hang out with the girl until the feelings went away. And I asked him, what was different about me? Because he told me he felt differently. And he said "I don't know. I just had a good feeling". Like there was nothing special about me that attracted him to me. My best friend said he made me sound really average. Throughout a lot of the relationship I felt very replaceable and not at all valued. Like there was nothing keeping him to me. So often I wouldn't talk about problems or I'd be quick to agree with him because I was worried that would be rocking the boat and he'd discard me.

[NGC1300]

I only brush once a day.

 

That's all that's necessary. Any more is OCD, IMO.

[Els]

I think it was because I didn't know what was normal. He acted like everything he said was totally normal and people did it all the time. Plus when he said the thing about the exes/single ladies and I freaked, he proceeded to give me all this flak about how I don't trust him. I have no idea what is normal, this didn't seem normal to me.

 

Sounds like inexperience to me in that case. We've all been there - it gets better, I promise you. Like everything else in life, we learn from doing.

[CrystalCastles]

Sounds like inexperience to me in that case. We've all been there - it gets better, I promise you. Like everything else in life, we learn from doing.

 

What a relief! My best friend freaked out and told me my boundaries aren't very good but she was just concerned (like a good friend would) that I had allowed myself to be put in these kinds of situations without standing my ground or leaving. But in my defense its easier said than done.

 

I definitely agree with everything you say, and I believe that most men aren't like this. I picked a bad seed because not all the glaring red flags come out right away. But I'm confident that there are plenty of guys out there who are fantastic and I'm looking forward to meeting them, dating them and being in relationships with them. My guy friends are exemplary men, especially to their gfs and wives, I just need to find a guy like that for myself.

[jay1983]

I was talking about your rant about him.

[CrystalCastles]

I was talking about your rant about him.

 

Why, should I not have posted it?

 

I know it seems like a lot, but this stuff went on for a year. I didn't post about it on here at all, never said a mean word about my ex, never talked about him to my friends or family while we were still dating. So I know it looks like a lot of stuff but it happened over a long period.