Trying to understand the OW

[BTR]

Hi, am new here. I am a BW, am still struggling to cope and comprehend the whole situation (d-day abt 2 mths ago) and lately I have been obsessing with trying to figure out what the OW was thinking. Let me explain- my WH met OW at a group recreational event and after a few sessions they decided to go it alone.

 

From what I gather, the sex happened soon after (maybe 4th time they met). He doesn't wear his wedding ring but she had been questioning him if he was married, his past relationships etc and based on what he told me, the excuses he gave were paper thin. The entire A was abt 2 yrs and only stopped becos I found out. Apparently during this time she had asked to go back to his place (his excuse was he had a flatmate), asked to meet his family (not sure how he got out of that), asked to meet his friends (he said he didn't have any), asked to visit his workplace (he said it was inappropriate).

 

On weekends he would rush home by late afternoon although he did spend several weekends over at her place (excuse to me was business trips) and they apparently spent most of the time either at her place or doing sporting activities. He refused to go to malls or any crowded places. She never called him after they parted for the day, hardly any phone messages between each other when they are apart and she told him she 'respected his privacy' so did not call him outside the times they were together.

 

They had taken several trips abroad (4-5 days per trip) and I found out that it was basically every month. He claims she was not aware he was married and said she even questioned him several times on the issue and told him stories of other friends who had been lied to by married men and kept saying she would never date a married man. She has a Facebook account and asked him for his but he claimed he didn't have one except for his company. I

 

f you type in his name you will immediately see his FB account on the first page and if you go to his company's FB page you will see him and I in the photo. Also they would not spend important holidays together (eg Christmas and New Year) since he had to spend time with his real family and birthdays were also spent with his real family.

 

I am pretty sure she knew he was married, maybe not at first but I would imagine early on like 2-3 months later. She has lived and worked abroad in various countries and holds a senior position in a bank, so she is not a naive 18 year old. He did say early on in the relationship she had argued with him as she felt he was using her just for sex and had demanded they spend more time together so it ended up that she would withhold sex till the end of the day as she knew he wld leave her immediately after the deed was done.

 

'Normal' people do not go on vacation every month and I'm sure it was done to get more time with him. I know he is a cheating lying bastard and I'm still coming to terms with it but as I know I shouldn't contact her (I really want to though) I'm hoping someone can help me try to understand from her perspective why she continued in the relationship. I get it that all the information presented here is based on what the WH told me but facts appear consistent.

 

I think if I can truly believe she was being deceived the entire time by him I would feel less hostility with her but knowing all the facts (and there's probably more which I do not recall at the moment) I'm actually 1000% convinced she knew.

 

Not sure what I want but perhaps some insight into the OW mind by someone who has been there would be helpful.

Edited August 6, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Arieswoman]

BTR,

As another BS I don't really think it will help you to try and understand the OW.

 

Your WS should be the one you should get mad at, not her.

 

She may well have been duped, but that's not your problem. Your WS is your problem.

 

You don't say if you are still with your WS, so what is the situation at the moment?

[winterkeep]

You will probably gain some insight reading these boards I guess but not the insight you are really after which is into the nature of the affair between your husband and this woman.

 

I did not know the man I was seeing was married, there genuinely were not any signs I don't think that I was particularly naive I just trusted the man who said he loved me and wanted to start a family with.

 

It's difficult for you as you only have your husbands story to go by and it sounds as though you are doubting what he has said to you which is very understandable. Will it make a difference to you and your healing if she knew or not? I certainly understand that it would be cathartic to have someone to blame, your husband is probably not your fist choice if you're trying to reconcile with him and it's easier to hate someone you don't know. it's all pretty normal emotional reasoning but probably isn't helpful in the long run if it detracts from your healing and your husbands accountability.

[Poppy47]

You will never know what she was aware of.

 

At the end of the day HE is the one you have to spend your life with and not her.

 

It doesn't matter. You need to work out whether you can ever put your life in this man's hands again and if you want to.

 

It sounds as though you doubt his story and rightly so.

 

Good luck I think you have a lot to contemplate,

 

Poppy

[bathtub-row]

The OW may have suspected that something was off but it seems that, for some reason, she didn't dig very deep. I think you believe that if she had been more astute about the whole thing, you wouldn't have to be dealing with all this heartbreak. But that's probably not true. If it had not been her, it probably would've been someone else. If not now, then later. This always goes back to your husband, particularly in this case because he admitted to deceiving the OW.

 

Who knows what she was thinking? Maybe she fell hard for him and didn't want to know the truth. Maybe she thought he was dating someone else besides her and hoped that at some point, he'd choose her. From her perspective, the affair wasn't about you, and her actions were not aimed at you. You were non-existent in her mind. Even if she suspected he was married, you were still just an entity, not someone she personally knew.

 

What would concern me more is that your husband lied to someone about being married so that he could sleep with her. And he did that for two years. From your perspective, I would call that inexcusable. The OW is nothing in comparison to that.

[NewLeaf512]

I have never been a BS, it's clear that you are in deep pain and I am very sorry. The only thing that points to OW not knowing (or not wanting to believe) your WH was M is that when she found out, she dropped him

[nikki76]

Why won't you contact her?

 

I would trust the words out of the OW 's mouth more then I would your H. She has no obligation to you, and I think would be more willing to tell you the real story.

[whichwayisup]

Why not contact her? Remember this though, your husband has lied to her, led her on and though it won't malicious, it was selfish. He put you and the kids (if you two have any) out of his head and was with her for 2 years behind your back. He did this willingly...So she held no gun to his head. If she didn't know and he hid his marriage from her, then she is his victim and he's a real shi.thead!! You probably have anger towards her, rightfully so, but if you want answers, show her some compassion and keep in mind that your H played her for a fool, manipulated her and probably told her many lies to keep her in his life.

[elaine567]

The only thing that points to OW not knowing (or not wanting to believe) your WH was M is that when she found out, she dropped him

 

Good point.

[Zagan]

She withheld sex until the end of the day so he wouldn't leave her early? That's needy and that should give you some insight into how this womans mind works. There's no way in hell that she didn't suspect he was married unless she was incredibly dense. My guess is she lived in denial and ate up all his bs willingly because she was getting the attention from him that she so evidently craved and needed.

 

Contacting her wouldn't do you any good, she's probably deluded herself into believing it was her he preferred and would reiterate that to you.

[elaine567]

I tend to believe she didn't know, as that is one helluva involved story for your husband to tell, if she did indeed know.

What reason would he have for covering her back, since she dumped him on dday?

 

I guess he is telling the truth here and he lied to her in the same way, he lied to you.

 

I suggest you ask her for her version of events, its only going to bug you, if you don't.

All we can do is speculate and I am sure you have been doing that all by yourself anyway.

 

A BS on here contacted the OW, fairly recently.

She created a new personal email account (in case the OW got nasty - she didn't) and contacted the OW a few times for answers.

[cozycottagelg]

She knew he was married.

 

If you don't mind me asking, how did you find out?

 

I can't believe he went away with her for 4-5 days at a time...wtf. What does he do for work that would require him to travel this much?

 

Big hugs...keep posting, you will find comfort here.

[What_Did_I_Do]

Because the OW believes what the MM is telling her - plain and simple. If she did question his marital situation, he lied his way through that and she likely rug swept any red flags that might have been laying about.

 

All of us want to be loved and some will compromise certain values in order to feel this acceptance. To have that special someone in their life.

 

I would focus more on your WS as to why (if he truly loves you) he would hurt you and your family with this betrayal.

[Redheaded Mistress]

IMHO, you have bigger fish to fry than what the OW was thinking.

 

You have a husband who started having sex with somebody after claiming you didn't exist. Somebody he knew for a relatively short amount of time. And he had a fairly elaborate story along with already set up means for which to be with her. And he did this for 2 years.

 

So let's just be honest... This isn't the first time he's had an affair, just the first one you've caught.

 

I'm not sold on if she knew or not. To me, it's plausible she didn't.

 

As for contacting her... Do so at your own risk. When my husband's wife contacted me, I told her absolutely nothing. My loyalty was to him, not her, and as a result I felt no need to tell her anything at all. Even if he had scorned me, I'd still have said nothing because the last thing I want is more trouble and more entanglements.

 

The only thing potentially worse is if she tells you everything... And do you really want to hear absolutely everything?

[qubist]

BTR sorry that you are i pain. please focus on yourself rather than spending all your energy on anger. first thing first: why would want to know her side of the story? and how is that going to help you are you attending any counseling and this is your therapist suggestion? the main focus should be your healing and nothing else. I'm assuming you just want to know if he is still lying to you. there are other ways for you to know whether he is sincere at Recovering and Reconciliation.

I don't believe that she didn't know she either suspected he was married but was in denial which BTW doesn't make her naive we are all human and sometime our mental needs can overpower our logic reasoning, or she knew everything and he was probably lying to her and promising her he would leave you for her and keeping it going just for the sex lot's of cheating MM do this.

I don't thing you should go out of your way to seek info from her but if the opportunity comes and she is in front of you it wouldn't hurt to ask. but the main think is make sure you are working on healing yourself from anger and pain.

[waterwoman]

I am sure she suspected but if he kept denying why would she not choose to beleive. We often beleive what is most palatable to us. Please let it go. Her reasons and what she believed are irrelevant. Your focus should be on what you want and need now.

[usernametaken]

I think you are discounting the possibility that she DID know and your husband is lying to you to cast OW as the innocent party in order to protect her.

 

If that's the case, the affair is likely still ongoing but has gone underground.

[World's.Edge]

I know who've stated that all of what you know about her is from what your (cheating lying bastard) husband has told you but seriously, why are you taking HIS word for it? He has been able to lie and deceive you every day for two years. His word should at the very least be sketchy and suspect.

 

I'm not sure why you feel that you shouldn't contact her. Infidelity is devastating. If you really feel that you have to know about her than contact her.

 

It may be a good idea, it may not be. She may lie to you, be hostile, vindictive, or innocent, who knows, but if this is a compulsion that has the possibility to provide some answers and insight that'll help you handle this then I say go for it.

 

I am sorry for what you're going through.

[Ifalltopieces]

The OW is the least of your worries. She was deceived just as you have been. What you should be focused on is what you want for your future. Do you really want to stay married to a "man" that you have to baby sit and monitor all the time?

 

Oh and the part where you said she withheld sex until the end of the visit in order to get more time with him....did HE tell you that? Your foolish if you put any stock in anything he says.

 

Leave the OW alone. Like you, she has healing to do. And like others have said, she owes you NOTHING. Your dear, sweet, lying hubby is the one who needs to answer. I fear even if you do ask him about it, he will just lie and tell you what you want to hear. These men are cowards. They avoid conflict at ALL costs and don't care one bit who they hurt in the process. It's all about him and saving his own A**.

[TrustedthenBusted]

Hi, am new here. I am a BW, am still struggling to cope and comprehend the whole situation (d-day abt 2 mths ago) and lately I have been obsessing with trying to figure out what the OW was thinking. Let me explain- my WH met OW at a group recreational event and after a few sessions they decided to go it alone.

 

 

 

Not sure what I want but perhaps some insight into the OW mind by someone who has been there would be helpful.

 

 

I ask, with all due respect, empathy and understanding: " Who Cares?"

 

Who cares what she thought or believed? Who cares how she feels, or whether she was ultimately betrayed? Who cares what she's done since discovery? Who cares what happens to her from here.

 

I get the whole thing about wondering who this person is/was and why they were so appealing and all that. But in the end, there is nothing you are going to learn about THEM that is important to you, outside of any communicable diseases they may have.

 

Please, work to focus on yourself, and not obsess about this other woman. She is not important. She either knew he was married, or let herself believe he wasn't despite mountains of evidence to the contrary. Who cares?

[the_artist_1970]

Some OW won't talk and withhold information but there are a few that feel really guilty for taking part in helping to destroy a M and they are completely honest with the BS. Our former OW had a conscious and answered every one of my questions honestly. I will forever be grateful to her for that. She told me that she knew he was M and she realized that it was wrong to sleep with a MM but was in a very dark place. Some OW don't care if the man is M or not and they feel like if your DH is cheating you must be a bad W or your M must be terrible (which isn't true a lot of times). It is perfectly normal to want to have a conversation with the woman you shared your DH with. After all, this stranger allowed herself to come into your M and share an intimacy that should only be given to you. Of course your DH is at fault for allowing her and I am sure that you are talking constantly and endlessly to him to find out WTF was he thinking to put you in an open M. Hopefully the OW in your case has empathy for you as ours did and is honest and willing to talk to you.

[TrustedthenBusted]

 

I would trust the words out of the OW 's mouth more then I would your H.

 

I wouldn't trust either of them. Everyone typically goes into CYA mode.

[No Limit]

OW was/is in love, simple as that. She buyed it because she had rosy glasses all the time, and because your husband is a good manipulator - you're a good example as well, focusing on blaming everything on the OW when your husband has actually led a double life for 2 years and has obviously given a lot of effort into it. He even dumped the ring, he could have just spat in your face instead and flush your marriage pictures down the toilet, it would be the same. Depending on your age I would suggesting leaving this marriage instead of waiting for the second affair.

 

Some OWs are led on that their MMs will leave their marriage for over a decade (!) and even more crap like this. Who knows what's going on in her head, or maybe it's just an empty head, who knows.

[BTR]

Thanks everyone for the insight. It's really good for thought. Just to share more, he's doing his own business now so traveling is not uncommon but he has now stopped it completely since d-day. I found out after I got a PI to track him as I had a nagging feeling but didn't think it would really be true. We just started counseling - he sought out the counsellor and asked me to join. He has been showing remorse but I don't know if I can trust him anymore. He's been home early every day, tells me his every move, put in an app for me to track his whereabouts etc but I know he can easily bypass all these if he really wanted to have another A. The OW did not 'drop' him - I made him do that. When I found out I forced him to give me her number and I called her on his mobile and identified myself as his W. She was extremely calm and collected but before I could question her further she cut off the phone. I made him call her on speaker phone (about 6 hours after my call to her) and tell her he is not to contact her again. I kept very quiet the entire time so she could not tell it was on speaker mode. The strange thing is when she answered I expected her to rant at him since she was a victim who never knew he was married (at the time I didn't know all the information I know now from him) and she just hung up. One week later she contacted him asking him to buy something for her but I told him he was not allowed to respond. I have since blocked her on social media and his phones so unless she physically turns up in person, none of her calls or messages will get through.

 

He keeps telling me he is determined to make our M work, he didn't consider her a 'soul mate' etc but I keep saying if you didn't feel a connection why the hell did you continue for 2 years? I questioned if it was the sex and he claims no, since the novelty wore off after a while and they weren't even doing it frequently towards the end. He says it was to fill an emotional void as she would praise him and showed him affection which he felt I was not giving.

[HereNorThere]

First off, she totally knew. She knew he was married, knew it would hurt you and she did every single bit of it on purpose. Why? Because these people are broken and purposely choose people that are unavailable. They like the fact that someone isn't calling them all the time or they can't just randomly show up at their house. Most of them have intimacy issues and it's much easier to have a part-time boyfriend that will most likely disappear one day as opposed to a real person whom you have to navigate a real relationship with.

 

Now that that's out the way -

 

You don't need to think of her a second longer. The bottom feeders are everywhere and anyone can cheat with one any time. It's like alcohol. You wouldn't go blame the liquor store owner if your husband got drunk and crashed his car and killed someone. It's your husband's responsibility not to drive drunk in the first place. 100% of the blame is on him and he's the only person you need to worry about.

 

I know your mind is running a mile a minute looking for answers and to make sense of everything, but it's actually much more simple than you think it is. He is a crappy guy who made crappy decisions. If you can live with what he did, cool. If it's going to drive you to an early grave, you have to run towards the pain and get it over with now. For some people this behavior is a deal-breaker, some can forgive it, some can even tolerate it. However, it can't be taken back and it does raise his risk of doing it again. You will ALWAYS have to wonder what he's doing behind your back. Welcome to you new life with your new partner. You can't blame her to make it go away and you can't ever look at him the same.

 

Only you can decide whether or not you can live with it, but don't drive yourself crazy thinking about her trashy self. You'll never understand the a broken person. You just have to accept that they are out there.

 

I'm sorry youre going through this. Good luck to you and make sure you stay in individual counseling.