sandylee1 Posted August 8, 2015 Share Posted August 8, 2015 I would say consequences for him have not been much. I see no point in making him suffer. He claims he is suffering seeing me so hurt and has been trying to change his ways by now being involved in the kid's homework, household matters and basically taking over what I used to singlehandedly do. look after myself more, get into shape etc. ......other MM have subtly expressed interest in me and I have intentionally told him this (I am not having an A, I couldn't do the same to another spouse) and I can see the hurt in his eyes but he says he has no right to stop me since he did the same thing. I don't know if I can trust him but I'm still taking time to see how it plays out. I hope for your sake that his claims about seeing you hurt are true. Some WS can't get over the pain they put their BSs through after an affair. To see the person you vowed to love suffering because of you is enough for some. Hopefully time and vigilance will tell. It's good that he's spending time and doing what he should have been doing at home and with the kids. So often one spouse (usually the wife) does so much to keep the home running and look after the kids, only to have the other go swanning off. Glad to hear you're taking care of yourself as well. I think it's good you let him know others have paid you attention. It should keep him on his toes. The trust is difficult, because sometimes no matter how much remorse is shown, it doesn't change what happened and not everyone can get over it. You trusted once and see where that went. When you give a second chance, you already know what your WS is capable of. Well done and try to stay strong. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Lois_Griffin Posted August 8, 2015 Share Posted August 8, 2015 Of course she eventually knew - unless she's competely learning challenged. It takes almost no effort or forethought at ALL to search for someone on Facebook or google. Jeez. However, I'm equally sure he probably LIED to her in the beginning so she wouldn't tell him to f*ck off, as any self-respecting woman would have done. So he probably tricked her in the beginning until he was sure he had her on the hook then probably told her. What a prince among men. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Lois_Griffin Posted August 8, 2015 Share Posted August 8, 2015 I've been questioning him a lot to try and find answers and I feel I've asked all I can possibly ask from him. I know in my head that speaking to her would not help since she probably will lie anyway but it's a morbid sense of curiosity I suppose? I am angry with him and with her but maybe if I see her as a victim I won't be so angry with her? I really don't know what to think. Initially I was ready to forgive as I felt his remorse was genuine but now I am starting to think otherwise as I cannot accept it lasted for 2 years As LIARS will do, he's protecting the OW and lying to you that she was innocent. Why? Because he's protecting her from your wrath. He doesn't want you going on a rampage on her and he wants to leave her out of it, so the OH SO NOBLE prince is claiming he conned her for 2 years running and she was "innocent." I believe he lied to her when he first met her and probably continued lying for a bit until he couldn't anymore. Because he's a snake and has no qualms about deceiving anyone if it benefits him, so that's totally believable. Is she married or otherwise engaged in a committed relationship? If so, he's also hoping you'll NOT tell her spouse/SO, so that's another reason to lie to you that she didn't know. She knew. It's jut another of his many lies. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Lois_Griffin Posted August 8, 2015 Share Posted August 8, 2015 (edited) OP, don't be too quick to believe any of his empty promises. He's already shown you exactly who he is. Edited August 8, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Response to deleted post redacted and topical content retained. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
cocorico Posted August 8, 2015 Share Posted August 8, 2015 he feels relieved to be caught as he found living a double life very frustrating Frustrating? Frustration is what a kid feels trying to solve a maths problem. Frustration is what you feel stuck in traffic trying to reach your destination. Frustration signals being dead-set on a goal, and being hampered in achieving it. How is this an appropriate emotion for a WS to feel? It signals that he was dead set on his goal (having sex with her? Being with her?) but was being hampered in attaining that (by the M? By other constraints?) And this is supposed to make you feel better??? So, he's pleased the A is over so he no longer has to feel frustrated. Not, guilty, torn, conflicted, confused, sorry.... Just frustrated. Are you OK with this? That he's grateful to you for solving his inconvenience, rather than relieved his moral dilemma has been resolved? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Furious Posted August 8, 2015 Share Posted August 8, 2015 (edited) We dont think about you, you are not there, we only focus on us and the love we have, we see a man empty of love and we fall and see him fall too, and without love the species wouldnt survive so we surrender to the powers of it with no bad concience, afterall you must be just as empty of love as he was? Love just takes over// later on we hate you for not setting him free, but all we want is for you to be happy as we are:( BTR The above is the reality of how some OW think. The reality is the OW/OM is only a reflection of the WS's character, and if the OW/OM refuse to see that character for what it really is, it's up to you to realize the affair partner is only a symptom of the WS's ability to choose someone that fits their agenda. The truth is you should not underestimate the dysfunction and the repercussions that arise from triangulation of being inserted in a three way relationship that you did not know about or sign up for. Lies are the norm, gas lighting is a form of abuse, trickle truth and a cheater only admitting to what you find out. At the end of the day the OW is irrelevant, if it is wasn't her, it would have been someone else just as willing with the same sense of character. It's your husband who chose this, it's his actions rather than his words you need to see clearly to understand what you're dealing with. Keep strong and stay focused on you, trust your inner voice, it's the best voice you'll ever hear. Edited August 9, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 6 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted August 8, 2015 Share Posted August 8, 2015 (edited) if your spouse loves somebody else you set them free I don't believe the OPs husband or any other spouse is being held prisoner. If they really want to leave and be with their AP, they'll do exactly that. If they don't leave, they don't want to. No ifs, no buts and no maybes. The AP is not as special as they think they are in the majority of cases. Edited August 8, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Fix quote 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Cloudcuckoo Posted August 9, 2015 Share Posted August 9, 2015 I don't believe the OPs husband or any other spouse is being held prisoner. If they really want to leave and be with their AP, they'll do exactly that. If they don't leave, they don't want to. No ifs, no buts and no maybes. The AP is not as special as they think they are in the majority of cases. Quite. My husband was given the choice at dday. I stated that he could no longer have both and he had as long as it would take me to pack a suitcase to decide. Her or me. He was certainly not subjected to any form of 'enforcement' and was free to leave at any time. You're so right Sandy, his concubine was no more remarkable than any other female. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
cocorico Posted August 9, 2015 Share Posted August 9, 2015 I don't believe the OPs husband or any other spouse is being held prisoner. If they really want to leave and be with their AP, they'll do exactly that. If they don't leave, they don't want to. No ifs, no buts and no maybes. The AP is not as special as they think they are in the majority of cases. Most MM who stay, stay because they don't want to lose full time access to the kids, can't afford to support two households, and don't want the whole breakdown of systems that comes with D - read the WS posts on these boards. Many WS openly say that if they could simplymswap out the BS for the AP, they would. I guess those BWs are just not as special as they'd like to think they are? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Lois_Griffin Posted August 9, 2015 Share Posted August 9, 2015 Most MM who stay, stay because they don't want to lose full time access to the kids, can't afford to support two households, and don't want the whole breakdown of systems that comes with D - read the WS posts on these boards. Many WS openly say that if they could simplymswap out the BS for the AP, they would. I guess those BWs are just not as special as they'd like to think they are? You know, I might actually believe that, but NOT every married man has kids and not EVERY married man has a wife who doesn't work outside the home and needs him to support her. Yet, we've all read many stories over the years of MM who STILL wouldn't leave their wives for their OW even when they didn't have kids or the burden of supporting another household. So, I'm left to believe that maybe most of these OW's aren't quite as special as THEY believe themselves to be. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Arieswoman Posted August 9, 2015 Share Posted August 9, 2015 cocorico, Most MM who stay, stay because they don't want to lose full time access to the kids, can't afford to support two households, and don't want the whole breakdown of systems that comes with D - read the WS posts on these boards. Many WS openly say that if they could simplymswap out the BS for the AP, they would. I guess those BWs are just not as special as they'd like to think they are? ^^^^ totally wrong in my sitch. We had no kids, I earned more money than he did and paid most of the bills. If he had wanted OW he could've walked any time. He chose to stay and eat cake 3 Link to post Share on other sites
LivingWaterPlease Posted August 9, 2015 Share Posted August 9, 2015 (edited) The AP is not as special as they think they are in the majority of cases. You're so right Sandy, his concubine was no more remarkable than any other female. So, I'm left to believe that maybe most of these OW's aren't quite as special as THEY believe themselves to be. This, after so many posts advising OP to focus on WS not OW? Edited August 9, 2015 by LivingWaterPlease 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted August 9, 2015 Share Posted August 9, 2015 This, after so many posts advising OP to focus on WS not OW? Everything is said in context. Link to post Share on other sites
LivingWaterPlease Posted August 9, 2015 Share Posted August 9, 2015 Everything is said in context. The issue of context of thread being an excuse to refocus on OW is a red herring and doesn't seem to me to be helpful to OP. It seems to me OP is best served by posts that help her place her focus on dealing with her WH. To retrovert by posting statements that divert her attention back to OW seems contrary to the purpose of the forum to me. Many posters have encouraged OP to focus on her relationship with WH, which seems wise, healthy and in the best interest of OP to me. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
cocorico Posted August 11, 2015 Share Posted August 11, 2015 cocorico, ^^^^ totally wrong in my sitch. One swallow doesn't make a summer. Link to post Share on other sites
truncated Posted August 11, 2015 Share Posted August 11, 2015 We dont think about you, you are not there, we only focus on us and the love we have, we see a man empty of love and we fall and see him fall too, and without love the species wouldnt survive so we surrender to the powers of it with no bad concience, afterall you must be just as empty of love as he was? Love just takes over// later on we hate you for not setting him free, but all we want is for you to be happy as we are:( Sorry, but it's hard to buy any of that. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
truncated Posted August 11, 2015 Share Posted August 11, 2015 It's really nothing to do with that. The affair was two years so it wasn't just physical. I never chested on anyone in my life till I met Mm at 40. He just turned me . and I loved him Sorry, I know it's hard for ow and mm ( and ws) to accept, but at that point in time, their morals were not there. Mind you, that doesn't mean they never will be or that they are doomed to always be a "bad person". the alternative is that they are capable of ignoring their own morals and value code to get what they want. Link to post Share on other sites
truncated Posted August 11, 2015 Share Posted August 11, 2015 One swallow doesn't make a summer. If only everybody felt the same way:laugh: 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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