I still love her, but I don't want to get my hopes up

[Pharcyde]

First of all, I want to thank this place for helping me get through the early stages of a very tough break up and helping me with my self imposed NC. I'm definitely not over her/relationship, but I'm at least thinking clearly(mostly) and not letting my emotions get to me.

 

Ok this may be long..

 

So my ex and I were in a 6+ year relationship until this January, we are both 29 now. It was tough at times due to distance. Met in the US, but she is from Scandinavia. I made the choice to move to be with her a few years ago. I managed to get a great job while I was there(but it required traveling at times). Everything seems fantastic, marriage came up numerous times, and we had planned on moving back to the US.

 

About 6 months before the breakup I saw a noticeable change in her. Short with me, despondent, and just not happy. (Which in turn made me not happy.) But I loved her completely and I knew there were things happening with her close knit family that were tough, so I sucked it up and supported her the best I could. I knew there were issues with us, but I tried to just be supportive and be there for her the best I could. So our plan to move back to the States was put on the back burner with all the sudden family problems.

 

The few things that happened that I could tell were wearing on her during that time: Her mother(who she has a bad, but close relationship with) became very ill, in the hospital, etc etc. Then her younger brother had to have an emergency surgery, was in the hospital for well over a month. On top of that right before Christmas her closest cousin committed suicide, which I could tell was devastating to her. So the whole month of December was just terrible, and on top of all that the big happy family gathering that they always had was completely soured by her brother breaking up with his wife(who just gave birth) the day of Christmas.

 

After that we had been planning to move back to the states sometime in the spring. But because of all the tragic events we hadn't had a lot of time to finish the planning. After Christmas, it seemed the dust had finally settled, things getting a bit more normal, but still a bit distant. So I decided to push talking about our plan, but she still kept putting it off. 3 weeks went by and I thought enough was enough. Everything seemed to come out at once.

 

The outcome was all I could get from her was "I don't think we are right for each other and we shouldn't see each other anymore".

 

I was crushed, angry, sad, every bad emotion all at once... Not only had I put up with a terrible last 6 months, I moved to a country 5,000 miles away everyone i knew and I barely spoke the language of: and spent the last 6 years of my 20s on her. So I left, I told her If this is how you truly feel I see no reason to stay here any longer and I'm moving back to the US immediately. I quit my job(just earlier than expected), packed what I could and left. Which I did within about 24 hours.

 

When I got back to my home city, I was obviously in a dark place, but made a conscious effort to reconnect with all my lost friends and put as much effort as possible into the business I was starting.

 

A few weeks in, I get a few instant messages here and there, "Hi, how are you doing?" blah blah I told her the truth every time not good and want her back. She was still very distant to those answers. So I imposed my own NC, right after I poured my heart into a letter to her, That the reply was "Something like "thank you for the letter, it meant a lot to me, I'll answer as soon as I can"

 

A month goes by... no reply, but shes messaging me again and often. I felt like we are getting somewhere. Then she drops the bomb " I may be seeing someone".... So I then felt and told her, why was she even bothering to talk to me then? she ignored it.

I went silent and back on NC.

 

A month later I get the:

Hi how are you?

me-fine

I still think about you.

me-I think about you too

Are you seeing anyone?

me-No, are you?

Yes

Me-Well if you are happy, good babe.

 

After that nothing until May; I was back in Europe for few weeks, which she knew. A few days before I was going to leave Europe again, she sent me messages like something was wrong or she wanted to meet up(a lot of my stuff is still there), so I got in touch with her, only to find out that she just wanted to see how I was because she hadn't heard from me in awhile. I was pissed at myself for thinking it was anything more. I went back on NC and didn't answer any of her messages over the summer. I figured if she really wanted anything real from me, she would call or ask to actually talk

 

A few days ago she contacted me, apologized for the way things ended and actually wanted to talk. We hadn't spoke on the phone/skype etc, since the break up. I felt I was in a better place, so what the hell, I obliged her wish. I really didn't know what to expect.

 

We immediately clicked and hit it off like the we were old friends/lovers, laughed, caught up with family/friend details, even flirted(initiated by her every time). By the time I looked at the clock we were on the phone for an hour and we had kept each other interested in the conversation about really nothing important. I could tell we were both smiling by the end. It was late there(7 hour difference) so we said our goodbyes. And She asked if we could talk and catch up again soon. I said that would be fine and to let me know when.

 

After the call it immediately hit me that I still love her, like I had for years. My feelings, that I had really been trying to suppress, for her came back.

 

I thought a bit more about the phone call and some things stuck out.

First, she did ask if I was seriously seeing anyone. Which I am not, I'm honestly not in a place to do so and running an upstart company on your own gives me little time for any of that. I didn't ask if she was still seeing someone, lack of time..... also because I really didn't want to know and I don't see why she would call(and be so "friendly") if she was.

 

Secondly, She did mention wanting to move away(sort of like we planned). It was a bit gut wrenching to hear her talk about it, when she had originally passed on her opportunity with me. I'm trying not to think of it as a sign she wants that, but its hard not to..

 

 

I have no idea if she'll call or not.... I've been checking my phone more often than usual, heh. I'm trying not to lose sleep over it, because I know its out of my control. If she does call I'll make sure to find out what she is looking for out of this, because I honestly don't know.

 

Thanks for having a place to post this.

[SwedishJohn10]

Well you want to make sure you don't give in to satisfying her by talking to her when she misses you because all thatll do is have her back off again. Give it time, focus on yourself and keep thinking that if its meant to be and if she really does miss you that much she'll call. She broke it off so she needs to fight for you.

[Cephalopod]

She plays you like a fiddle.

 

A person who cares about someone would never treat you the away she does. She is using you to feed her ego.

 

Stop talking to her, stop replying to her messages and let her go.

[lolablue17]

I would never treat the way she treats you, to someone I respect. In fact, I would never treat like that to anyone!

 

She is purely disparages you, disrespect you, and selfishly despises you. I assume she doesn't do that out of revenge, so she is just that kind of a girl whom you can never trust, cannot think about anyone else beside herself, and generally a piece of sh*t!

 

Do you love her? Because she has a nice side that pulls magics on you, so you ignore her real character.

 

I'll tell you what's the worst for you - That she'll want you back and wants to marry you. Then you'll get familiar with the miserable side of life!

[preraph]

She went through a lot of major life changing events that made her get a new perspective on your relationship and realize that it wasn't adding up. I'm sorry.

[lolablue17]

She went through a lot of major life changing events that made her get a new perspective on your relationship and realize that it wasn't adding up. I'm sorry.

 

Do you really think so? She got a new perspective on their relationship?

 

If that is the case so why does she contact him ALL the time, asking him repeatedly "is he seeing someone"? Why, every time he starts to heal, she contacts him and pulls him back to square one?

 

A decent worthy girl who "gets new perspective about a relationship" takes responsibility for her choices and bothers herself to be fair with her Bf or Ex Bf and let him going on with his life.

 

If she'd care just a little bit about him, she wouldn't hurt him selfishly over and over again.

Edited August 7, 2015 by lolablue17

[Pharcyde]

I am beginning to feel like she just doing it to make herself feel better about the ending or just bored... Her self esteem has always been low and can be insecure(but usually hides it well), so I guess I shouldn't be surprised.

 

But it is still something I would NEVER do to any person. relationship or not.

 

 

I gotta say, it is making me stew in my suppressed emotions and putting me back at square one.

 

She contacted me today with a very empty "hey" and stupid question about a bachelor party I'm going to. She signed off before I had the chance to reply.

 

But I made sure to confront the elephant in the room, on why the sudden contact and what exactly is she looking for from this...

 

So she'll at least see that and she should know I at least deserve an answer to that. But whether or not she replies, I'll have my answer.

 

I think I made it perfectly clear the way felt and would continue to feel in a letter, months and months ago.

 

I just don't understand the purpose of contacting your ex who is 5,000 miles away and will most likely never see again, if all you want to do is talk and have empty conversations with. You could just as well do that with a stranger.

Edited August 7, 2015 by Pharcyde

[Pharcyde]

Well... she replied and says she misses me. which can mean just about anything or nothing at all.

 

I told her if she was serious that we should have a talk about it.

Since then it feels like shes ignoring answering that comment, but still trying to be nice to me.

 

I really don't like to "beat around the bush" per say, I feel like I wasted enough time with her avoiding things in our relationship towards the end.

 

I would just like her to be honest with her intentions.... Is that so hard?

[Waynester]

Seems to me that she's stringing you along, like some sort of backup plan..or fall back if the current guy/relationship doesn't workout, she always has you, you are like her insurance.

 

I think you know the answer to this, you have almost said it yourself. She is 5000 miles away, and even though you have asked her straight out..she's still non committal. This is just the feeling I get.

 

If she wanted you, she would be with you. This isn't fair on you, you are living in limbo..you deserve better. As hard as it is, I think NC and move forward with your life and business is the way to go.

[Harlowk]

Agree with others here.. you are her backup plan darl'en. Please find a girl who knows how to give you her heart the way you seem to give yours to others. You can't hang onto the few things that seem to give you some hope. You need to trust she is leading you with crumbs to get what she needs. You are worth more, everyone is! You deserve someone that leaves no question in your mind of how much they care about you. Best of luck!

[Pharcyde]

thanks, I think I just needed reassurance that its just bread crumbs.

I guess its still a bit hard for me to let go of someone I loved unconditionally for so long. I really thought I was getting past it.

 

She'll be getting my ultimatum tomorrow, which I'm 99% sure will be just as non-committal as its always been.

[Cephalopod]

You have a choice to make. Wait on a flake who lives 5,000 miles away, has no intention of getting back together with you, who is probably dating and having sex with lots of guys, and who has friend-zoned you as hard as a person can...

 

Or...

 

Cut off all contact for good and find a nice semi-safe American girl to settle down with. You might get 10 good years out of her until she goes MLC on you, but least she'll be local where you can keep an eye on her.

[Simon Phoenix]

thanks, I think I just needed reassurance that its just bread crumbs.

I guess its still a bit hard for me to let go of someone I loved unconditionally for so long. I really thought I was getting past it.

 

She'll be getting my ultimatum tomorrow, which I'm 99% sure will be just as non-committal as its always been.

 

Stop with the ultimatums. It's overdramatic and manipulative and they are almost always ineffective. She'll tell you just enough to keep you hooked like she always does and there's no reason for her not to -- she knows you'll gobble up any and all contact.

 

If you want to make a statement, say nothing. Do not send an ultimatum and do not respond to bulls--t. Plus, you already know the answer, so what's the point of making an ultimatum? It's time for you to provide your own answer and move forward. Stop being the emotional tampon.

[NVO]

Stop with the ultimatums. It's overdramatic and manipulative and they are almost always ineffective.

 

This! Please don't use ultimatums, you can not force someone to do something. If you want to give this a shot, don't get your hopes up. You said in this thread title yourself.

 

When you started dating this girl, did you come up with ultimatums on the first dates? Like: "You're pretty and all, but if you don't stay with me I'll better be leaving right now." I bet you didn't, you let things ran a natural cause. So you better go with the flow right now too. It's your own responsibility to respond to her breadcrumbs or not and making it clear if you want to be friends or not.

 

Set up boundaries for yourself dude, you're a man! Stand up for yourself, but do it an a respective way. And you are not doing that with those ultimatums.

Edited August 10, 2015 by NVO

[sandylee1]

Don't allow her to do this to you. You're getting played with her silliness and it will lead to heartache for you. Not her, but YOU.

People who love you don't do this and you continue to play into her hands. She loves the fact that she clicks her fingers and you jump.

You've spent 6 years with her and unless this will lead to a life partnership, why waste your time. The US is full of single women and you deserve one who won't drop you without an explanation.

 

She keeps you dangling, to give you false hope and to keep you from dating anyone else, while she has lots of fun with other guys.

[Pharcyde]

Hah, guess I used the wrong word.... Really meant more of confronting of her motives rather than an ultimatum. After nearly 7 years I know exactly how wishy washy she can be when it comes to things that are out of her comfort zone. I also highly doubt she'll ever move back to the US, even if she keeps telling herself and I otherwise. Because if that didn't occur first, there is no way in hell I would ever entertain the idea of a any sort of relationship with her.

 

Doesn't matter though, didn't bother to go out of my way to confront her about, nor did I hear from her. My guess it was just the 8 months out "missing me game" and pure selfishness.

 

Still... it definitely left me in a sour mood all week and threw me off my game. Hopefully my weekend trip to a Brazilian coffee farm helps me forget about this crap.

[Pharcyde]

Had a great weekend in Brazil... Luckily I had no service.

 

The ex was blowing up my phone like crazy. with "I miss you", asking me what I was doing(she didn't know where I was).. "I can't stop thinking of you" etc etc...

When I looked at them this morning at the times of day sent over the weekend, It definitely seems like there must not be anyone else.

 

I replied, even though I probably shouldn't have, but I already kinda knew it wouldn't be a straight answer.

Asking essentially what she was looking for out of this and why the sudden(and ample amounts) contact after all this time, because I honestly never expected to hear from her again.

 

All I got was "I'm not sure what I am looking for, all I know is a miss you"

 

I left it there, because I'm feeling more and more indifferent to it. While I miss her, love her and all... She chose this and I would need action, not just words to feel different about it.

 

Lots of more texts( which i didn't reply to) through out the day.... More about can't getting me off her mind and such... I think she finally got that I wasn't going to reply and left it with "You're a great man,_____. Never forget it."

 

 

I think shes finally starting to regret the break up.