Rassy Posted August 6, 2015 Share Posted August 6, 2015 My ex husband I were married for twenty years. We have two daughters and a son together. Our son passed away in Iraq and it split our family. My husband and I divorced soon after but have remained friends. He got involved with some college girl a few years ago and she has really changed him. We had a BBQ together with our girls a few weeks ago and he was quiet and strange. He still lives in our home, and it can be difficult to see her things there. There was an anti-religious book on the coffee table and he told our daughter he was reading it. That was hard for me because we always went to church with our children. I think that it's due to her influence. He said he "just didn't believe it anymore." He said his girlfriend has gotten into a PHD program on the other side of the state, and he is thinking of selling the house to be with her. Both of our girls were in tears. They grew up there and lived with their brother there and now he's just getting rid of it. I feel like this girl is changing him in a bad way and I don't like it and I'm worried it'll hurt our girls. I also don't trust her What should I do? Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted August 6, 2015 Share Posted August 6, 2015 (edited) If he is your friend, then speak with him, but try to remain neutral and speak on behalf of your girls. Do not pull too much emotion into it, but try to make him see things from their perspective. He may also be trying sub-consciously' to relive aspects of his youth and branch out, trying different things. His 'doubting' religious stance is one aspect of this. Leave him be. You can't decide such things for him, he has to find his own way through this. Stick to logic and practicality, but let him know how this is affecting his family. ETA that, your referring to his GF as "Some College girl" would seem to denote an element of contempt for her, as if she is a fly-by-night, non-serious candidate and a passing whim. But the fact that he is still involved with her a few years later, should tell you that this relationship is more serious than that, and you should respect that. Edited August 6, 2015 by TaraMaiden2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Qboro90 Posted August 6, 2015 Share Posted August 6, 2015 This to me sounds like he is still having trouble coping with your sons death. I don't want to pry or get to detailed but how long ago was your sons passing? Have you or your ex husband ever sought out counseling in order to come to terms with what happened to your son? I see this as his way of burying his emotions. Selling the house might be something he feels like his has to do because living in the house where he has to walk by his sons room every day and deal wth that heartache and pain might be affecting him more than you think. I'm sure the anti religion books are due to this as well. Struggling to find the reasoning or "why" behind the loss of a child is something that's very common in surviving parents. "Why would God take my son?" The questions of faith go hand in hand with events like this so try to understand his mindset in exploring other ways besides "God" to help him cope. There is a good chance he is angry with "God" and wants nothing to do with religion. I know people who lost a spouse or child and they tell me that hearing people say "he's in a better place now, it's just part of Gods plan" is a comment that makes them incredibly angry and emotional because they can't grasp what plan that could possibly be. Talk to your ex husband. Open yourself up to discussing the possibility that he's still in denial about what happened and is acting out as a coping mechanism . 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rassy Posted August 6, 2015 Author Share Posted August 6, 2015 He was killed in an explosion in 2005. We did some grief counseling for about a year before we divorced. I think it helped us all quite a bit. I know it helped me get to sleep at night. As for the girlfriend, she just isn't someone I'd trust. I've overheard her speak about various things like religion and I think she is leading him down a dark path. I worry about him losing himself, and God. I love this man, he is the father of my children. I don't want to see that happen. Link to post Share on other sites
Qboro90 Posted August 6, 2015 Share Posted August 6, 2015 Did the counseling help you BOTH quite a bit or did it effect you more than your husband? Do you discuss your son with him at all or is it not something he likes to bring up anymore? Are you still "in love" with your husband? Could the feelings you have be a bit of jealousy or comparing yourself to a younger woman? Just throwing ideas and possibilities out for you to consider as difficult as they may be to think about. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted August 6, 2015 Share Posted August 6, 2015 Your ex husband is exactly that your EX husband and your only link now to him is through your children. His relationship with his gf is NONE of your business, there is nothing you can do, they are both adults. Stop obsessing over the gf, I guess you see her as the fly in the ointment and without her you could reconcile with your ex and play happy families again, but it has been years now, and a lot of water under the bridge, so I suggest that is highly unlikely. YOU can speak to him on behalf of your girls re selling the house, but as they do not live there, and their pull to the house is purely nostalgic, then I guess he will sell it, if he feels that is he best thing to do FOR him. As for his relationship with God, again he is an adult, many people fall out of love with religion and as Qboro90 has said that may be in direct response to the death of your son and nothing to do with the gf at all. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rassy Posted August 6, 2015 Author Share Posted August 6, 2015 It helped me more than anyone else, but I still feel like it helped them too. Yes I am still in love with my ex husband aside from our children he is the most extraordinary person I've met. We all still talk about my son and every year do things to honor him. His absence is always felt by all of us. I never heard my ex express having doubts until this woman came along. She also has never made an attempt to get to know our daughters or be aware of our son. I understand she never knew him so things like that are difficult, but I think it's disrespectful. Link to post Share on other sites
Qboro90 Posted August 6, 2015 Share Posted August 6, 2015 I think that you're more upset that you lost your son (you have my sincerest condolences, I'm sure he was an incredible man and thank him for serving his country to ensure our freedoms)... And now, even though you already divorced, the new gf is making you realize for the first time that you've lost your husband as well. This is completely understandable with all you've been though. Only your husband Can understand the pain you've been through and how your lives are forever changed. And even though you were divorced, you were living together so you had that support system there even just for the comfort of normality to cover up the sadness. Now that support and comfort is leaving and supporting someone else and in your eyes he's erasing you and what you connected with and erasing the memory of your son by selling the house where he grew up. No one here can offer you the advice you need here. It's too personal and too real. Have you considered getting back into counseling? Even just to have someone you can express yourself to and get feedback. Or just as another adult to fill that space your husband fit, while at the same time bettering yourself and learning to let them both go. I truly hope you're able to find happiness and joy very soon. Link to post Share on other sites
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