I have a midnight curfew at 23 years old?

[Twentysomething]

I lived with my parents all through college. And I had a midnight curfew. I'm the oldest child. I had a bedroom.

 

Last fall, I moved away for professional school (insert program you think here). I hated the program I was in, and left in January. So I moved back to my hometown, and back in with my parents. In the few months I'd been gone, they'd give my room to my sister. We live in a HUGE house. So I moved into my dad's "office"--he has an office at work, too, so this is really more of a junk/storage room he hasn't been inside in 6 or more months. My dad didn't clear anything out of it, and he WON'T LET ME clear it out, either. So all I have room for is a twin mattress on the floor. I didn't have anywhere to put my clothes, either, since there's a closet but he won't let me clean it out, but eventually I got a little dresser at a garage sale so I at least could unpack some of my clothes.

 

My parents have a business, and I worked for it all through high school and college. Since I've been back, I've been working there again, while applying to career type jobs.

I'm not dead weight--I buy groceries, run their younger kids places, I contribute housewares, I do dishes, I do all my own laundry, and I sleep on the floor in a 6ft x 7ft space without complaining.

 

The problem? My midnight curfew is back. I've tried to negotiate it, but my dad loves it, and my mom thinks whatever my dad thinks, so she thinks its perfectly normal, too.

 

I'm 23. I will be 24 next month. This curfew ruined what little social life I had in college--Try telling your friends in a bar you have to be home by midnight, or that you have leave movie night half way through the film because your curfew is coming. And now it's making my life weird again--try explaining on a DATE or to a group of friends why an alarm is going off on your phone. The curfew also makes me anxious, because I have to keep an eye on the clock the entire time I'm out, instead of actively being present and enjoying life or who I'm with.

 

My dad is REALLY controlling, too, so the passive aggressive text messages usually start around 10:30 pm to come in from him--sometimes they're so bad I usually have to put my phone in sleep or airplane mode so it can't get his texts because people see and "Wonder if something's wrong" and I have to explain my dad is just controlling.

I've also learned it doesn't matter what I'm doing. I could be at a church movie night, or star gazing-it doesn't matter. Also, it doesn't matter if it's an accident--I got in the biggest fight I've ever been in, last month, because I went to a 10:00pm showing of Jurassic Park and it didn't get out until after midnight.

 

Last night I was out til 1:04 am. I woke no one up. This morning, he shoved it in my face, and threatened how he's going to "kick me out" if I keep doing this. The only reason he knows what time I was out til, is there are security cameras on the house now.

I'm at my wits end. Does anyone else--including people who have raised children--think it's ridiculous to have a 12:00 curfew at 23 years old?

I live in one of the top 100 most expensive towns in America, so it's harder to live here than it should be. I know the first step is having a job that's not with them, and saving as much money as possible, but in the meantime, I'm getting tortured.

 

Also note: We had an arson this spring, that would have burned the family house down had I not been here--the office is on a different side of the house from all the bedrooms, and I was the only one who could see where the arsonist lit the fire, and woke everyone up. That night, I had been late for curfew (one of the 5 or so times I've been since moving back in with them), and wasn't in a deep sleep yet, which is why waking up to the fire was possible for me. The firemen said if it had gone 15 minutes more, it would have burned the house and we'd all be dead. So they're alive because I was here. Yet no one seems to care about how me coming in late for cufew, saved our lives that night.

 

 

Anyone have suggestions? Or perspective?

Edited August 6, 2015 by Twentysomething

[Clarence_Boddicker]

"I moved back with my parents" end of thread.

[SammySammy]

Move out of your parent's house.

[Satu]

Move out and fend for yourself.

 

Then you can make your own rules.

[beach]

Move on your own- then you make your own rules.

 

While you live with the it is their home... Do as they say...

 

Get any job... As long as it's not under the shelter of them (family business). Any job or two or three jobs - so you can rent a room somewhere. Or move away where it's cheaper rent.

 

Make changes while you're young. It's your opportunity to become free and independent.

[CarrieT]

Their house: Their rules.

 

Abide by it or move out and become independent.

[Keenly]

People are going to stonewall you for your problem, but I'll go another direction with it.

 

 

How exactly do parents expect kids to grow up and act like adults when they themselves continue to treat their adult offspring like children?

[Art_Critic]

Their house: Their rules.

 

Abide by it or move out and become independent.

 

Yeah, I agree with Carrie.. also.. they aren't making it too easy and comfortable for you on purpose since you have a tendency to lean on them, they are trying to push you out on your own.. maybe it's time to go.. time for a job

[Art_Critic]

How exactly do parents expect kids to grow up and act like adults when they themselves continue to treat their adult offspring like children?

 

They are trying to push the little birdie out of the nest so he will fly on his own, this little birdie has been here before with his parents so they know he isn't going to go anywhere if they make it easy on him....

[Twentysomething]

Okay "little birdie" was frantically trying to get out in college, too, but the only way I could afford university was to live with them. So it didn't happen.

 

Also, I've been applying for jobs. Tons. It's not that im not actively trying to change this situation.

 

I also have a dog--wherever I go i will be taking that dog with me, so that puts addition constraints on rent in this already very costly town where a 1 bedroom apartment can run you an easy $1200 plus utilities.

 

I was merely asking if anyone else felt a midnight curfew was extreme? Or any suggestions to cope in the interim?

 

Also, I should note: they don't want me to move out--I kid you not. I've made comments. "You would be stupid to move out." And "nowhere is going to let you have a dog" and "you have it great here."

 

Things aren't just weird at midnight, either. Example: the other night, I got off work at 7. HE asked me shortly before I got off (I had the closing shift), if I was "coming home after." I said yes. Because I was. Then when I got off, I went to the grocery. Which ended up being 3 stores total to find something. Im driving down their road at 8:39 pm, and he calls me angrily, "YOU LIED TO ME. You're not home. You lied. WHERE. ARE.YOU?" So I basically have to ask permission to go to the grocery store after work. In my own vehicle, I bought.

 

There's also their incessant need to know everyone I associate with. If im texting, he asks who im texting. Any time I leave to go anywhere, he asks where im going, or who im with. And then he freely lends his opinions on everything. As a punishment when I was 20, he kicked me off the family cell phone plan. So I've been on my own plan (read: much more costly than if I was just a line on their mobile plan and payed them monthly instead), and he's been angry for the last year or so that I won't go back to their plan. But i remember how it was--even though they have unlimited texting, he would go through and count my texts, and check the phone numbers, and inquire about who everyone was.

 

He still freely likes to tell me I "spend too much time on my phone"...although what's the alternative if im my allowed to go out and be social, and am not asleep or applying jobs, cooking cleaning or doing laundry?

[BlueIris]

When one of my kids (24 and 28) are staying with me, they’re home much earlier than that. But that is just the tip of the iceberg in your situation, just something that bugs you. (It’s not “torture.” That’s overly dramatic.)

 

Apply for jobs in cities and towns where you can afford to support yourself. Take a day job and wait table and/or bartend at nights. Give up the luxuries you have now until after you can afford them- give your dog to a good home, spend less time and money at bars dating or partying, and get a less expensive phone plan. You’ll be able to afford those luxuries in a few years, but really can’t afford them now.

 

Thank your parents for having made it possible for you to get a college education without a massive debt load or working and going to school part-time. Both of my kids have some loans to pay, so that was very generous of your parents! Thank them for having given you "a sofa" to sleep on for a bit when you dropped out of grad school. Again, very nice!

 

Then strike out on your own, to make your own life on your own labor. It really will feel great.

Edited August 6, 2015 by BlueIris

[RoseVille]

People are going to stonewall you for your problem, but I'll go another direction with it.

 

 

How exactly do parents expect kids to grow up and act like adults when they themselves continue to treat their adult offspring like children?

 

Good point, hence why they shouldn't let him move back in in the first place.

[Diezel]

I can't sympathize.

 

I moved out when I was 17. Lived on my own for a year. Went to college at 18, did the dorms (Mandatory) for a year, then back on my own at 19.

 

Lived alone ever since.

 

I never worried about curfews since.

 

It's killing your social life? Boo hoo.

They are upholding their end of the curfew? Boo hoo.

You're 23, almost 24 and you still have this curfew? Boo hoo.

 

Endure this a little while longer, get a job, move out and this will be a thing of the past.

[WomenWubber]

Your parents sound very controlling and invasive of your privacy. You are going to end up depressed if you stay there for too long.

 

Save some money, release the pet and move into an apartment (with a friend, if you cannot afford doing it by yourself).

[Satu]

I left home shortly before my 17th birthday, never took a penny from my parents from that day on, paid my way through university, established myself in a profession, and learned to fly (!)

 

I have no debts whatsoever.

 

It was difficult at times, but I got there under my own steam.

 

No regrets.

[beach]

Okay "little birdie" was frantically trying to get out in college, too, but the only way I could afford university was to live with them. So it didn't happen.

 

Also, I've been applying for jobs. Tons. It's not that im not actively trying to change this situation.

 

I also have a dog--wherever I go i will be taking that dog with me, so that puts addition constraints on rent in this already very costly town where a 1 bedroom apartment can run you an easy $1200 plus utilities.

 

I was merely asking if anyone else felt a midnight curfew was extreme? Or any suggestions to cope in the interim?

 

Also, I should note: they don't want me to move out--I kid you not. I've made comments. "You would be stupid to move out." And "nowhere is going to let you have a dog" and "you have it great here."

 

Things aren't just weird at midnight, either. Example: the other night, I got off work at 7. HE asked me shortly before I got off (I had the closing shift), if I was "coming home after." I said yes. Because I was. Then when I got off, I went to the grocery. Which ended up being 3 stores total to find something. Im driving down their road at 8:39 pm, and he calls me angrily, "YOU LIED TO ME. You're not home. You lied. WHERE. ARE.YOU?" So I basically have to ask permission to go to the grocery store after work. In my own vehicle, I bought.

 

There's also their incessant need to know everyone I associate with. If im texting, he asks who im texting. Any time I leave to go anywhere, he asks where im going, or who im with. And then he freely lends his opinions on everything. As a punishment when I was 20, he kicked me off the family cell phone plan. So I've been on my own plan (read: much more costly than if I was just a line on their mobile plan and payed them monthly instead), and he's been angry for the last year or so that I won't go back to their plan. But i remember how it was--even though they have unlimited texting, he would go through and count my texts, and check the phone numbers, and inquire about who everyone was.

 

He still freely likes to tell me I "spend too much time on my phone"...although what's the alternative if im my allowed to go out and be social, and am not asleep or applying jobs, cooking cleaning or doing laundry?

 

You could have texted him to say you planned to go grocery shopping. Instead you did make yourself look like you lied - by not going home after work.

 

And when someone comes into a home after midnight - there's a chance it may wake others up. So your family rules are in place to be considerate of others in the home.

 

Move out. Get a room somewhere. Someone will allow a dog. All you need is a room. But get a job first. Any job is better than I job. The decide if you wish to job hunt in a cheaper area and plan a move.

 

You want to act like an adult - then be an adult. Pay your own way. Offer others peace of mind and be responsible and dependable.

[pteromom]

Is their behavior extreme? Yeah - not the curfew as much as the prying into your friends and texting.

 

The curfew, I understand. It sucks to be the one at home worrying. It also sucks to be the one woken up by someone coming in at 2AM.

 

Your age is a moot point. They are your parents; you are their child. You will always be their child. Even when you visit in 15 years with your wife and 2 kids, they will probably ask that everyone is in bed at a reasonable hour so their routine isn't thrown out of whack.

 

The only way to remedy this is to get your own place.

 

You could even put an ad on Craigslist for housekeeping/lawn maintenance in exchange for room/board if you are desperate.

 

But even a minimum wage job will allow you to get a room over someone's garage or something... you just need to put your energy into changing your situation rather than being angry at your parents.

[mrldii]

When I was 50, I left my LTR, my life, and moved 600 miles south to stay with my adult (30YO) son 'til I got back on my feet, got a job, and got my own place.

 

While I lived with him, it was His House/His Rules. Part of being adult is understanding when others are footing the bill for where you lay your head, they get to make The Rules.

 

Yes, get your own place. When you rent an apartment, there will House Rules that as an adult, you will be expected to follow...including "Quiet Hours", which are out of consideration for the other adults living around you.

 

When you buy a home, there will be HOA and/or City and County ordinances that you will be expected to follow.

 

Welcome to being an adult...where a huge part is knowing how to play well with others...by playing by The Rules.

 

 

Best of luck to you, OP...

[Tayla]

I will answer your question directly. Curfews are for 18 and under unless your on parole. Which you are not.

 

The 2am late night socializing does little for getting rest or having a consistent habit of being home safely.

Unless your a night creature and you work odd shifts. I think you are indeed conveying your homelife as stifling and controlling. With respect , thank your parents for the homestead and explain calmly that you have chosen to do A,b& c, and that you hope they appreciate your adult behavior. Then walk away to let them consider it. I doubt anyone here wants to be watched like a hawk... or be treated less then. Stay responsible and keep some goals in sight for moving out on your own. You are each adults ... a bit of loosening the reins are in order.

[pteromom]

I think you are indeed conveying your homelife as stifling and controlling. With respect , thank your parents for the homestead and explain calmly that you have chosen to do A,b& c, and that you hope they appreciate your adult behavior. Then walk away to let them consider it. I doubt anyone here wants to be watched like a hawk... or be treated less then. Stay responsible and keep some goals in sight for moving out on your own. You are each adults ... a bit of loosening the reins are in order.

 

True, but OP has no leverage with which to ask for the loosening of the reins. What is in it for his parents?

[Mandy235]

That's just insane. I feel for you. I'm 21 and my parents have not put any constraints on me other than asking that I text if I'm not going to be home or if I'm going to be home after they go to bed. I get that you can't move out at this point, and it doesn't sound like you can reason with your dad. Unfortunately, you may need to just tough it out until you have the money for a dog-friendly apartment.

[Tayla]

True, but OP has no leverage with which to ask for the loosening of the reins. What is in it for his parents?

 

They could learn how to let go in respectable ways. He has already proven himself to be responsible in household matters, he keeps a job. He abides as best he can. He is human . I think the parents may think they are being attentive but the reality is they are helicopter parents and need to give up their pilots license. He is not a criminal or displaying rebellious antics. There is middle ground to be had for each to concede to here.

[Raena]

I hear what the others are saying... their house, their rules... but I do agree with you that your parents are going overboard. There is no reason for a 12:00 curfew for a 24 year old. I had a 12:00 curfew when I was 16, not 24. Do you pay rent? Is it waking others up if you come home late? Why are they so worried about you getting home later than that.

 

I moved out of my mothers house at 17, came back 2 times... once to save money for college, another time to save money to get married. I got married at 23. Never once did my mother give me a curfew after I had moved out and came back. All she asked was that I call her if I was going to be out later than whatever time I told her I'd be home, so she wouldn't worry about me. It didn't matter if it was 2 am. If I said I'd be home at 2 and I wasn't, I called her. That's what she wanted.

 

Your parents, particularly your father, sounds like a control freak. I'm sure he's doing it because he worries about you, but he's going way above and beyond just being worried and being completely nosey and stalkerish. That's a bit insane really. At this point, you should be more like a roommate rather than a child to them. You should be contributing to the home as well. (it sounds like you do)

 

The best advice you'll get here is to find a way to get out on your own and support yourself because it doesn't sound likely that your father will listen to reason from you. Things aren't going to change until you make them change.

[Diezel]

You can tell in this thread, who has kids over the age of 13 and who doesn't.

[autumnnight]

First, I have adult and almost adult children.

 

I was raised in a home much like the OP's. Don't get me wrong, I love my parents. But talk about control....and it was both subtle and not subtle. OP, at least your curfew was midnight. On school nights, they didn't actually SAY I should be home earlier, but they made it uncomfortable enough that I just basically caved and came home earlier. People who have never been basically.....cloned and directed in every facet of life since childhood can't really relate to what it is like.

 

Here is my advice: Find a job - ANY job - that is not your parents' business. Find a place - ANY place - that you and your dog can afford. If you really want to do it right.....these places should be a minimum of 2 hours away.

 

Move, take care of yourself, even if you are eating Ramen noodles every night.

 

I didn't have my own identity until I was nearly 30 and had been married for a few years. I was THAT enmeshed. Don't live like I did.

 

BTW, all my children have their own minds, and they do not always agree with me. And I love it!