I have a midnight curfew at 23 years old?

[BlueIris]

[quote=autumnnight;6480613

Here is my advice: Find a job - ANY job - that is not your parents' business. Find a place - ANY place - that you and your dog can afford. If you really want to do it right.....these places should be a minimum of 2 hours away.

 

Move, take care of yourself, even if you are eating Ramen noodles every night.

 

Absolutely. I can’t fathom someone lacking the motivation and drive to be self-sufficient by age 23/24. In our family, it sure wouldn’t last the 7-8 months that OP’s been living with and drawing a paycheck from his mom and dad (mistake on their part). Dropping out of a professional program because he “hated it” and then fussing over a crimp in his partying and staying up late is stunning. It’s time to sleep on one of his friends' couches and see how long they tolerate it.

[JADIE]

I see both sides on this one...parents and kid, although Dad sounds pretty much like a control freak.

 

On the one hand, my house my rules. Period. I bought my house and raised my 2 kids in it by myself. Never had any real "teenage" issues with my son & he moved out at 21 originally. Daughter was another story...suffice it to say that I locked her out permanently at age 17 on some "I didn't tell you this, but...." advice from sheriff's deputies after one of many many visits to my house. She could NOT follow the simple rule of get up, go to school, come home by 10pm, never mind actually contributing to the household in some form or other. It took the Navy to straighten her out.

 

Fast forward to now...my son is 30 and back home the last 4 years after losing his relationship & job and acquiring a DUI. The kid can't seem to hit the reset button on life. But he's got a job now, pays rent, helps out when asked. I don't ask for his schedule, don't tell him when to be home or ask where he's going. He's on my phone plan and pays me for that...I don't track his calls or texts. If he's not here and his dog is, I take care of the dog until he shows up...he takes care of my dogs & horses if I'm away for any length of time. I don't cook or clean for him or buy his food. In fact, if his food is here any length of time, I take the liberty of eating it. Sometimes I wake up when he leaves at 5am for work or comes home at 2am, but he goes straight to his room and I fall back asleep. We are two ADULTS sharing living space...period. He just happened to occupy my womb at one point.

 

OP, take the advice of others and get out. Rehome the dog. You have a vehicle...drive a few hours away, find a job or two, share a room and make your own rules when you can afford your own house. Your present living conditions are stifling and you're old enough to take control of your future. Quit finding the reasons you "can't" and make a move.

[SoleMate]

Yes, your parents and particularly your father are being quite unreasonable and controlling. They might have anxiety or depression or OCD, or they might just be jerks. Or maybe they're not good at talking and they're trying to send a message with their behavior. Not sure what you can do with that opinion, though, other than use it to inform your next decision.

 

I suppose you could try pulling a 180. It's often the best way to change 3rd party behavior. It's far from guaranteed, but if ANYTHING can change their behavior, this will. Instead of resisting their efforts to control you, welcome and even solicit them. Don't wait for Dad to text you with rules....instead, you text him repeatedly asking for them. If he hasn't texted you any control messages, then you up your texting and start getting more and more frantic every 5 minutes. Everything you've done to try to resist their control, turn it around and do the opposite. Spend every waking minute under their feet and asking them what your next move should be. The rare times you slip out of the house, text him every 10 minutes to let him know where you are. Demand a response and use a good cover story so it seems like you really want to know. Ask again and again if he approves your evening plans and if not, what he would like you to do instead. Then do that, again texting constantly. Etc.

 

And........if that doesn't work, you know what you need to do. M - O - V - E O - U - T. If you make that a priority and stay very flexible, I'm sure you can do it even in a very expensive city. Heck, right now you're sleeping in a cluttered 6 x 7 foot space, so that should not be hard to find in some kind of flophouse.

 

Last fall, I moved away for professional school (insert program you think here). I hated the program I was in, and left in January.

Oh, just saw this. Well, I think your parents might be unhappy that you dropped out of your professional program for a seemingly thin reason. What exactly were the problems there?

[amkxoxo]

I am so sorry you are going through this. As a 23 year old myself, I understand. I went away for four years of college too and then moved back home. Luckily, my parents know they raised a smart, mature, and responsible person. As long as I tell my parents where I am, where I will be, what I am doing, and when I will be home, they are okay with me staying out as late as I want. My brother, who is 20 on the other hand has a midnight curfew. He has gotten into trouble in the past and my parents worry about him doing bad things at night. I am like you, normally at a bar, on a date, or at the movies. All innocent things. When you go away to college, you have freedom. I've stayed out until 4am with friends before in college. We didn't get in trouble or do anything bad, we just went out and had fun.

 

Our parents generation do not know that lifestyle. My parents didn't go to college so me going was a whole new world for them. Our parents believe in the notion that nothing good happens after midnight.

 

It is their house, and their rules. But sadly at your age, the rules are unreasonable. Them not giving you space or a room is quite weird to me, especially if you say you have been working with them since you have been home. They could simply be afraid that as soon as they clear out a whole room for you, that you might move out and then they have to turn it back into an office.

 

I don't really know what to tell you about getting more space. Maybe clear out a basement...if you have a finished one. Maybe try and make space yourself.

 

As for the curfew ridiculousness, I am sadly going to tell you what my brother does. He does it all the time, it drives my parents crazy, and he gets away with it.

 

My brother acts emotionless, comes in when he wants, ignored my parents, and walks away. My brother should have been kicked out a while ago for his behavior, but my parents love him so much so they don't do anything.

 

My brother doesn't answer his phone. Or if he does he gives one word answers. My dad will call and ask when he will be home and tell him he should come home, and my brother merely goes "yup" over and over to every question. He still comes in after midnight. If my parents start nagging him, he literally just stands there emotionless, says barely anything. The usual "yup" or "whatever" and he goes to his room as soon as he can. He doesn't argue with them or try and talk to them, he practically ignores their complaints. He gets away with it. He leaves our house when he wants and comes home when he wants. Maybe try this to see if it gets you anywhere.

 

Its good that you are helping your parents around your house and keeping up with chores. That is what you should do. But they should give you a little freedom too.

 

Maybe try harder to get a better job so you can move out. That is the only way to gain the freedom you seek. Look into your college's career services office. They normally help alumni find jobs and its all free since you went there. They can help you.

Edited August 7, 2015 by amkxoxo

[bathtub-row]

Your dad is obviously an ass and your mother just goes along with him. Regardless, you are at their mercy and can only do as they say until the situation changes.

 

How about reversing the situation by going out very rarely and hanging around the house all the time? That might piss them off enough to remove the curfew. At the very least, it'll be hard for your dad to send his ridiculous texts if you're at home.

 

It's really bad when kids have controlling parents but please do not waste your time arguing with people like this. Just disappear from their lives.

 

My question is why are you trying to live in such a pricey place? Move away from that location and from the control. This is the perfect time to pick up your life and start over. And I'm curious as to why you can't get loans for college.

[Sugarkane]

My parents are just like yours. I was always a good quiet kid, no criminal record, no drugs, never crashed the car etc. I haven't still met one other person who wouldn't find this extreme. My dad is always a hypocrite and verbally abused me that what if I ended up dead? But always left the house without leaving a note for us.

[hoping2heal]

I would say it's one thing to enforce a midnight curfew; I can understand why there could be reasons for that such as you might end up waking people when you get home, your parents or siblings might end up worrying WHO is in their house late at night (e.g. is that just you coming home or a burglar, etc.).

 

But the other examples you have given are just a whole lot of inappropriate boundary crossing for an adult/parent relationship. Maybe it's because your father is controlling, maybe it's a misguided attempt at showing their love for you, whatever the case is it is distressing to you and I can understand why.

 

The bad news is that your only solution is to leave. Make some hard choices so that you can get out of there sooner rather than later.