It is so sad

[Dave]

Is there such a thing as true love, or we just practically choose to be in love, and when and if we see that the LOVE that we feel (or we think that we feel) is not doing us any good, we just simply choose not to love!

 

My Ex GD claimed that she loved me. Well things did not work out very well between us, and I started noticing that her "love" towards me was proportionate to what she was getting out of me, sort of like as the advantage she got from the relationship diminshed, so did her "love".

 

What do you people think?

 

Maybe some people can not love!

[Tony T]

YOU ASK: "Is there such a thing as true love, or we just practically choose to be in love, and when and if we see that the LOVE that we feel (or we think that we feel) is not doing us any good, we just simply choose not to love!"

 

BY GEORGE, I think you've got it.

 

First, yes, there is true love. The love that a parent feels for a child is true, unconditional love. A son or daughter can rob a bank, mow everybody down with a gun at work, or do most anything and the loving parent will love that offspring nonetheless. The love people have for God is true, unconditional love. God can cause floods, hurricanes, tornadoes, etc. that cause billions of dollars in damage and people still adore Him. Athiests do not love God because they don't believe in a diety and therefore one offers no spiritual strength to them and no hope for them in the hereafter.

 

Now, romantic love is different...and it HAS to be. We fall in love with people because they meet certain of our needs. They cause us to feel good...they give us very warm feelings, make us feel special, excite us sexually, etc. When that stops happening, the love can die pretty quickly. It would be insane to be otherwise. Loving somebody we don't particularly like or enjoy being around doesn't make a lot of sense...and feelings often do change.

 

People who remain in sick relationships where they are abused in some form, not respected, experience no consideration, etc. are in those because of their low self esteem, their warped ideas of love based on their own personal upbringing, financial necessity, and all kinds of other sorry reasons. Emotionally healthy people terminate those immediately for their own wellbeing.

 

It really is pretty dumb to remain in a romantic relationship if you aren't getting something out of it. We aren't going to sit there like a vegetable and lavish love on someone who is cold, who takes advantage, who doesn't consider our feelings or other aspects of our lives. That wouldn't be true love, that would be stupidity.

 

So, yes, true romantic love exists between two people who have deep feelings for each other. Oh, it all starts out with this stuff about they would never leave each other and all that. But after time passes, if one of them changes, cheats, becomes bored, changes to some finatic religion, starts ignoring the partner, etc., TRUE LOVE IS OVER...OVER AND OUT. Some true love exists for a lifetime. Those are the lucky ones and I suppose that is what we all seek for ourselves.

 

I don't think reality is sad at all. I'm really glad that I don't have to stay in love with someone who starts treating me like crap.

 

Sexual love is likewise not true love. Sometimes sex gets boring. Sometimes the partner gains or loses weight and becomes unattractive to the other. There are dozens of other problems that can complicate sexual love. You may hold true love inside yourself and spread it around but true sexual love for one individual is highly conditioned on there being attraction and excitement. I can't imagine it any other way.

 

Yes, love is a choice...made either the first time we set eyes on someone or later on. But it is based on our feelings at the time and a whole lot of other variables. And it can disappear just as quickly. While commitment is very important to most people, I would release any person from a relationship with me if they one day found they didn't want to be with me anymore. I don't think people ought to chain others to themselves.

 

As for your ex, what you described happens all the time. She probably never had great depths of feelings for you because deep feelings usually don't disappear quite that way. But you can absolutely bet that if you got linked with a user, the less she got the less she loved.

 

A genuine user will be totally gone once there is no hope of them getting exactly what they want. There is a tendency for some younger people to be a bit more selfish and self centered. They tend to require a lot more specific stuff to stay in love. Older, more settled and mature people, often look for a different kind of companionate, true love that is more flexible and lasting. But it is still conditional...don't forget that.

 

So many men get married and think the relationship can be put on automatic pilot. The get off the honeymoon, go back to work and think things will just hum along without much work. NOT!!! You just take a spouse for granted and see how long he or she stays in love.

 

Someone who is incapable of love or who is immature will lose feelings very rapidly as a relationship proceeds if they perceive who they thought a person was all about is not really the case. A lot of people fall for others based on initial perceptions, not on anything based in reality.

 

Don't take this all personally. You are much better free from this girl so you can find someone who will love you exactly like you are. But, even then, there are no guarantees. If you end up with someone who is immature, unstable, etc., it will fail no matter how wonderful it is in the beginning.

 

You gotta be sharp in this love business. Nobody said it was easy. True love is for songs...and for the people lucky enough to find a person who has lots to give and a genuine willingness to bend on their demands and expectations. You know of a lot of those???

[Beesting]

What you are describing, Abraham Maslow, Carl Rogers, and other Humanistic psychologist would describe as deficiency love, which is the most common form of love. It's a want-needs based love, without regard for the other individual. As in "s/he makes me so happy, I love her/him".

 

Being love is rare and what we would call "true love". It is based in firm self-identity, without the wants/needs being satisfied. Some would liken this to God loving humans, but humans can never really love God this way because we aren't conscious of the infinite (aren't omniscient) and so we can't be equals with God.

 

read "Toward a Psychology of Being" by Maslow and the explanation is better, if longer.