Would like some insight .

[soulmates]

Hi, i'm here to talk about my emotional/physical affair with my soul mate.

Now what i've been trying to research online but seem to come across a lot of disgruntled people with issues about relationships with married men, for this reason i will disregard any hurtful or pointless comments and hope that you all remain mature about this.

 

I have a few questions but first i'll tell you a bit on how this started.

 

I met him online he is 25 yrs older than me and i'm perfectly happy with that, i find i can communicate and enjoy the company of older men on maturity alone.

 

I did not intend on starting or entering a affair in fact we both ignored and didn't address our feelings for a year. He is a wonderful man and still loves his wife and i think that is great because even though we might not of planned of having a affair or falling in love we both still respect his wife, as complicated and what most of you would think was just ironically funny but this is true, she is a good woman but you cannot change who you fall inlove with.

This is my first relationship with a married man, in fact i never had plans on being married or had a desire to till i met him.

 

We talk 15 hours out of the day, privately in his own room, we discuss everything good, bad and personal. I have 2 children and he cannot wait to meet them, i plan on being with this man for the rest of my life even if that means no marriage or living together.

He has asked me to move international to be close to him, with my children so he can be there for them as well.

Most recently we had a discussion about what we would want from each other and what we can settle for. He could never have children with his misses so he desires to have a child with me and thinks about marrying me all the time, talk about starting a business together which should take off soon and hes more then kind with help regarding money support and emotional or anything i require even if we argue about me not wanting to accept it half the time.

He has never lied to me an have been up front and honest with each other through every step, but since i have been content with being the other woman as long as it means we can be together in some shape or form, i've become curious about his vary vague words.

He seems to keep saying with out prompting that he needs resources in reference to us spending our lives together.

Most recently he said hes sorting it all out not to worry,and would like to meet my family.

He adores me and me him but as i said he said he still loves his misses as well as me but he is in love with myself.

So my end question is am i right to be assuming hes talking about divorce and marrying me since he wants to have a child with me and in his words, i can give him more than he ever thought he could have, that i've helped him more than i know.

He's very traditional which is why i have got to thinking he's planning something.

He never desired sex this started of as a emotional affair and we still have not slept together, do we desire to.. sure we do but our relationship is not ruled by physical despite how much we desire to.

I'm also starting to think he wants to be caught, he mentions a lot that if his misses was to ever find out he would be upfront with her and not deny anything but he also would not stop seeing or speaking to me, that the only way he would is if i asked him not to as i would to.

 

So if i could please have some helpful advice on whether i should be preparing for a huge commitment or any other advice you can provide that would be wonderful.

If you only have negative replies to me being a mistress, please do not comment it would be pointless. I love and trust this man more than life but if he is planning something i do not want to ruin it or ever push him to leave this choice is his and i'll be his no matter what he chooses.

[ShatteredLady]

If/when his wife finds out she will probably either file for divorce or demand that he stops all contact with you. What will he do? When it comes down to you or her (Which it's very, very, very likely to at some point, particularly if you move & have a sexual affair) who will he choose? You need to be completely secure in what that choice will be before you do this & get children involved.

 

Faced with his wife's devastation will he drop you? The probability of her never finding out is sooooo low. Why won't he start divorce proceedings now? He's asking a HUGE adjustment from you with no guarantees.

Edited August 6, 2015 by ShatteredLady

[soulmates]

He would not stop talking to me if that was the case worse case scenario, we can no longer be intimate and remain friends.

He is not the typical man, he loves his wife but he is committed to myself, i don't doubt his feelings for me or her nor do i doubt that it might end that way.

 

I do hope in the end we can stay together but i understand thats a risk that is tricky, i don't plan on having children with him for a few years to be safe and as for my children they will be introduced as a friend and no intimacy shown in front of them as to not cause confusion.

 

Hope that helps clear a little up and thankyou for your advice.

[TaraMaiden2]

There is no such thing as a soulmate.

There is no such thing as 'the one'.

 

That over with, The ball is in his court.

He is the one with the overshadowing commitment.

He needs to put up or shut up, because otherwise you will find yourself sharing a life with a man who has the best of both worlds, while you have a half of what you might have (if you're lucky.)

[soulmates]

He hasn't asked for a divorce yet because i have not asked or pushed, also because i believe he is trying to find a best case out of this and save money.

 

He is very bent on providing for me, despite the fact i don't care about money he has or doesn't have.

 

But that all seems to be the way its going at the moment. I believe he loves is wife but more as a friend/room mate there are some personal issues i cannot speak of due to breaking his trust but he was emotionally checked out for few years before i came, i suspect he hasn't left yet ue to finances. He currently does not work.

[soulmates]

I am content with that out come since i never planned on getting married in the first place with any partner i have had, as for soul mates- people put to much stock in the words, soulmate generally means made for you.

 

You can have many soulmates which you may or may not meet but when you do find someone who is perfect for you in every way that is what i class a soulmate and not a trickery or so called fate/magic.

 

If that helps you understand, it is all about perspective.

[Mascara]

The term "thrown under the bus" is probably something you can read up on in terms of your comments about what he's said he will and won't do if the wife finds out. There are many stories on these boards from shell shocked women who found that he did the exact opposite. Even in cases where the MM confessed and left the wife - after a while, the harsh reality made them run back to their marriages.

 

I'm curious, have you actually met in person? It's not clear from your OP

[amomwhoknows]

Have you even met him in person? Or has all this been online/virtual?

[soulmates]

Have you even met him in person? Or has all this been online/virtual?

Met, in person. We plan on seeing a lot of each other in future.

[TaraMaiden2]

The problem is, this man is NOT perfect in every way.

 

He has no income.

He is much older than you are, (which will in and of itself portend subsequent problems) and all you hear about his marriage, is his version.

He is with his wife, he loves her and I doubt, at his age and hers, he will EVER leave her, or commit to you.

Therefore, you are in for a lifetime of sharing what's left of his time.

He, in the meantime, has a home, a wife who loves him, and support form her, it seems.

 

You say you are contented now, and I accept that.

But any promises or provisos he puts forward are not for you to fulfil, arrange, engineer or orchestrate.

 

He is the one who has to make life-changing decisions, not you.

 

Actons speak louder than words.

 

Once is actions do not suit his words, then you will have cause to seek advice.

As things stand, you are apparently both quite content to pursue this fantasy/.emotional affair.

 

It's when the rubber hits the road, that things will really tell.

 

If he has no income, who is going to pay for your move?

How is he giving you money at the moment?

Where is it coming from?

How is he explaining this expenditure to his wife?

Have you considered the disruption this might cause your children? Moving them away from an environment they are familiar with, simply to accommodate an ideal you have?

 

i've become curious about his vary vague words.

He seems to keep saying with out prompting that he needs resources in reference to us spending our lives together.

Most recently he said hes sorting it all out not to worry,and would like to meet my family.

 

Vague words... you're hearing alarm bells, because he's saying things to placate you and keep you where he wants you...

 

'Needs resources'.... what is he talking about?

 

And please do NOT have a baby with this man, until you absolutely, definitely know for 100% certain that he is in a position to be able to support you and will accordingly provide for you.

That's 18 more years of motherhood.

How will he explain THAT to his wife?

And how exactly, will he be a father to this child if he is already 25 years older than you are?

 

I hear many alarm bells, and while I take nothing away from how you seem to feel about this man, you need to put your 'practical' hat on and listen to yourself....

[Eagle's-bargain]

Honesty is the best policy in this case...

[Guilty Good Girl]

He would not stop talking to me if that was the case worse case scenario, we can no longer be intimate and remain friends.

He is not the typical man, he loves his wife but he is committed to myself, i don't doubt his feelings for me or her nor do i doubt that it might end th

 

I'm concerned with the phrase "he's not a typical man", a phrase I hear often from women when this type of relationship is happening. No disrespect but you can't believe this won't lead to hurt and heartache. Please don't introduce your children to him. They deserve a father or man whom respect them enough to take care of their mother. They won't respect him because of the relationship you will have with him.

 

I'm sure the conversations are in depth and fun, but this is when being selfish is healthy. You want fun, then be selfish enough to know you don't need a man who takes care of another family.

 

Hurtful when we care, I know I have been there.

[RainDown]

I think it makes more sense for him to move to your country. He doesn't have any children to think of; you do.

 

I wouldn't move my kids unless he's divorced - not "getting" a divorce, or "planning" to get a divorce, or "finding resources to get a divorce" - absolutely divorced.

 

Then go from there.

[Sassy Girl]

Actions speak louder than words.

 

If he wanted to be with you he would.

 

It is that simple.

[Quiet Storm]

Please don't move to another country with your kids. It's a very strong possibility that he will drop you if he's caught.

 

I'm not saying his words are fake or that you aren't in love. What I am saying is that he can mean everything he says to you, he can feel in love with you 100%, and still stay with his wife and end things with you.

 

This is because "love", which you see as essential and worth moving to another country for, doesn't end up being more important to MM than his commitment, reputation, history, love for his wife, home, etc. It doesn't mean it's not real, it just means it's not essential.

 

It often takes a MM getting caught to realize this. When he sees his wife's hurt and pain, when he comes face to face with reality, you don't know how he's going to feel. If his wife demands he stop speaking to you, he may honor it. Actually feeling the consequences could change his feelings and priorities.

 

It's one thing to be OK with being an OW. It's another to move your kids to another country. The odds are against you and your kids stability is more important than being available to MM.

Edited August 6, 2015 by Quiet Storm

[Susmay]

Hi, i'm here to talk about my emotional/physical affair with my soul mate.

Now what i've been trying to research online but seem to come across a lot of disgruntled people with issues about relationships with married men, for this reason i will disregard any hurtful or pointless comments and hope that you all remain mature about this.

 

I have a few questions but first i'll tell you a bit on how this started.

 

I met him online he is 25 yrs older than me and i'm perfectly happy with that, i find i can communicate and enjoy the company of older men on maturity alone.

 

I did not intend on starting or entering a affair in fact we both ignored and didn't address our feelings for a year. He is a wonderful man and still loves his wife and i think that is great because even though we might not of planned of having a affair or falling in love we both still respect his wife, as complicated and what most of you would think was just ironically funny but this is true, she is a good woman but you cannot change who you fall inlove with.

This is my first relationship with a married man, in fact i never had plans on being married or had a desire to till i met him.

 

We talk 15 hours out of the day, privately in his own room, we discuss everything good, bad and personal. I have 2 children and he cannot wait to meet them, i plan on being with this man for the rest of my life even if that means no marriage or living together.

He has asked me to move international to be close to him, with my children so he can be there for them as well.

Most recently we had a discussion about what we would want from each other and what we can settle for. He could never have children with his misses so he desires to have a child with me and thinks about marrying me all the time, talk about starting a business together which should take off soon and hes more then kind with help regarding money support and emotional or anything i require even if we argue about me not wanting to accept it half the time.

He has never lied to me an have been up front and honest with each other through every step, but since i have been content with being the other woman as long as it means we can be together in some shape or form, i've become curious about his vary vague words.

He seems to keep saying with out prompting that he needs resources in reference to us spending our lives together.

Most recently he said hes sorting it all out not to worry,and would like to meet my family.

He adores me and me him but as i said he said he still loves his misses as well as me but he is in love with myself.

So my end question is am i right to be assuming hes talking about divorce and marrying me since he wants to have a child with me and in his words, i can give him more than he ever thought he could have, that i've helped him more than i know.

He's very traditional which is why i have got to thinking he's planning something.

He never desired sex this started of as a emotional affair and we still have not slept together, do we desire to.. sure we do but our relationship is not ruled by physical despite how much we desire to.

I'm also starting to think he wants to be caught, he mentions a lot that if his misses was to ever find out he would be upfront with her and not deny anything but he also would not stop seeing or speaking to me, that the only way he would is if i asked him not to as i would to.

 

So if i could please have some helpful advice on whether i should be preparing for a huge commitment or any other advice you can provide that would be wonderful.

If you only have negative replies to me being a mistress, please do not comment it would be pointless. I love and trust this man more than life but if he is planning something i do not want to ruin it or ever push him to leave this choice is his and i'll be his no matter what he chooses.

 

Lots of good advice and perspectives here so far. I think only he can answer some of your questions and address your concerns. If you and he are as close as you say then it should be simple and easy for you to nut out with him exactly what is going to happen and what he plans to do. If he fobs you off and continues to be vague then you have some of your answers.

 

You say he can't wait to meet your family. Hopefully he is just as eager for you to meet his family and is not hoping to keep you hidden indefinitely. Why not ask to meet his parents, siblings and other close family? See how he reacts.

 

Another big indicator about whether he's really leaving his wife is whether she knows it and is on-board with it. If not, he's probably lying to you both, and this would be what the typical MM does when having an A and wanting to string 2 women on indefinitely.

 

Lastly, I'd recommend not even considering moving countries until he has left his wife and organised a home for you all.

Edited August 7, 2015 by Susmay

[Juno]

I am content with that out come since i never planned on getting married in the first place with any partner i have had, as for soul mates- people put to much stock in the words, soulmate generally means made for you.

 

You can have many soulmates which you may or may not meet but when you do find someone who is perfect for you in every way that is what i class a soulmate and not a trickery or so called fate/magic.

 

If that helps you understand, it is all about perspective.

 

You said "you can have many soulmates..." I would suggest dropping this one and meet your next soulmate...one who is not married.

 

Until he his divorced and can give you 100%, there will only be heartbreak & resentment in your future. If you think not, then ask yourself why are you seeking advice on this board from strangers instead of from family & friends who should happy that you have found your "soulmate"

 

You already see the red flags & have already begun to question the validity of some of the things he has said...hence your use of the word "vague"

 

Lately I've been hearing too many news stories of OW going crazy & hurting their MM, MM spouse & themselves due to fake future promises.

 

Please know that he is not the only "soulmate" for you. Spend the energy you are wasting on him to find the next guy who can give all you deserve out of a relationship.

[anika99]

I am content with that out come since i never planned on getting married in the first place with any partner i have had, as for soul mates- people put to much stock in the words, soulmate generally means made for you.

 

You can have many soulmates which you may or may not meet but when you do find someone who is perfect for you in every way that is what i class a soulmate and not a trickery or so called fate/magic.

 

If that helps you understand, it is all about perspective.

 

 

I've never wanted to get married but not wanting to get married is a far cry from being an OW. I have no desire to marry or even live with a man but it's not acceptable to me to be someone's shameful secret. Even though I don't want to be married I do expect to have a monogamous relationship where we can live our lives together and out in the open. Where we can sleep together whenever we want and I can go to his house for visits, meet his family and friends, call him anytime and expect him to be available. You want to move to his country so you can spend your evenings alone while he tries to make excuses to sneak away for a few stolen hours here and there? Maybe an occasional overnighter when he can convince his wife he's going camping with buddies or something? You want to live in another country and spend Christmas and other important holidays alone because your MM has to be with his family? That's an acceptable life to you since you don't plan on getting married?

 

 

MM doesn't have any kids and he spends all day talking to you so why should uproot your life and your kid's lives to go to him? Why can't he move to be with you? Also since he doesn't have any kids why is it so hard for him to divorce? If he wanted to leave his wife he would be working on that right now. His vague statements and questions are just to give you enough hope so that you will go be his mistress in his country. Once you get there the excuses for not leaving will start to pile up and since you have moved to a new faraway place where you don't have any friends or family you will be emotionally dependent on the MM and more than likely put up with having a subpar life. If you want to move go ahead and do it but realize that you will most likely be leaving to live a life of misery as the OW always wanting more than the MM wants to give you. Don't your kids deserve better than that?

[nikki76]

He hasn't asked for a divorce yet because i have not asked or pushed, also because i believe he is trying to find a best case out of this and save money.

 

He is very bent on providing for me, despite the fact i don't care about money he has or doesn't have.

 

But that all seems to be the way its going at the moment. I believe he loves is wife but more as a friend/room mate there are some personal issues i cannot speak of due to breaking his trust but he was emotionally checked out for few years before i came, i suspect he hasn't left yet ue to finances. He currently does not work.

 

He's not asking for a divorce, because he's getting the best of both worlds and plans to stay there for as long as he can. It has nothing to do with you not asking or pushing him to get one.

 

You say no matter what he chooses, you'll be his. But you need to realize, you aren't his and he's not yours. He belongs to the women he married, lives with and has sex with.

 

I really think this man is brainwashing you.

 

And I really think you need to prepare yourself for devastation if he gets caught. If he's like every other MM we've read about, he'll "throw you under that bus" in a heartbeat. Don't fool yourself. He is no different than any of these other mm with their bull crap lies and manipulation.

 

You said to save the negative replies because they are pointless. But really, they arent. I was once in your shoes and if it wasn't for all the people and their bitter truth, I'd probably still be running in the same old pathetic circle of the affair.

[fllygirl]

Why he can't get a job? Is it age? His skills ? Health issues ?

You may end up supporting him financially while he is chatting online with strangers when you are at work.

[whatatangledweb]

How long have you been in an affair with him? How long has he been married?

[Juno]

Move to another country for a married man? Are you really considering this? I wouldn't move across the street unless was already divorced and prepared for a committed relationship.

 

Move to another country to be with a married, accepting whatever his status may be, with kids in tow? You do know this is just crazy talk?

[CarrieT]

Met, in person.

How much physical time have you actually spent in each other's company?

[HappyAgain2014]

I doubt anything will come of this. He's talking, just talking.

 

I'd tell him to call you when he takes definitive actions. Until then, he's just amusing his unemployed ass in a room for 15 hours a day. Affairs are fantasy and he seems to have plenty of time to indulge that.

[Arieswoman]

OP,

I don't understand this;

 

We talk 15 hours out of the day, privately in his own room,

 

What does his wife think he is doing all this time?

 

And what are you doing, don't you go to work?