Am I justified in feeling this way?

[amkxoxo]

So I went to college about 2 hours from my hometown. It was a great four years. After graduation I went home for about 6 months, and then ended up getting a job back where my college is. I picked up and moved the two hours again. I have been living here for about 9 months now and I really like it. I go home to see my family a lot and I do miss them terribly. I have my own apartment and its really nice. My parents helped me so much and I cannot express how much I love and appreciate them. What has been bothering me is the amount my mother either wants me to come home or wants to come see me. Now that I have my own place, she likes to come and stay overnight and she sleeps in my big bed with me. I love having her there, but not every weekend.

 

She asks me to come home almost every weekend. Its a long drive, gas money, and time for me to do that. I have friends here and I have been dating this new guy and I like doing stuff with them. Sometimes my guy will make little comments about how much I go home. Sometimes its for necessary things. I got sick once and had to see my doctor so I went home, because I love my doctor there. I went home because my relative was sick. Those are unexpected. Sometimes I go for a family birthday or just to visit.

 

And with me going home, I never get anything done around my apartment, like cleaning, laundry, or hanging out with friends because I'm at home. I work 40 hours a week and am often tired to do much at night, or I'm spending it with my boyfriend. Nights and weekends are my alone time.

 

I just drove home and went on a 5 day vacation with my family. It was great. It makes me miss them. I got back on Monday and went to work on Tuesday. My mom is already talking about coming out to see me this Friday. I am okay with this, but I would like Saturday night to be with my friends. If I express this to her, she gets angry. The weekend after this she also might want to come out with my father to stay overnight with me. I love the company, but sometimes I like my boyfriend to come over and he occasionally sleeps over. He can't do that if my parents are here. I will get asked to go out by friends last minute to the movies etc.. and I cannot go because my parents are here.

 

I love them and I owe them everything. I am also 23 and need to forge on with my life. I told my mom she needed to choose either this weekend or the one after and she couldn't come both. She gets mad and spiteful and says "well I should be able to come anytime I want, I am your mother." or she tells me she won't come at all and she will just make plans with her friends at home. She gets very sarcastic and bitter. I love her more than anything. I would do anything for her, but I think she misses me way too much. She asks me all the time " So your just going to stay forever out there and never come home." I don't know what my life holds. Maybe, who knows. I like it out here not and I am here now. As much as I miss home so very much, I feel more like I belong here than I do at home.

 

I try and reason with her and I have a hard time saying no, but I feel I am justified. I know for a fact two weeks after that I am coming home to go to a family event anyway. Its not like I will not see her.

 

I don't know what to do. I want to see her, but I don't want her to be mad at me if I want to say No!

Edited August 6, 2015 by amkxoxo

[SallyU]

Set boundaries in a loving way and stick to them.

 

"Mom, I love you and miss you too but I have other responsibilities to attend to this month, how about we have a nice long weekend beginning of next month?"

 

Suggest a nice weekend get away, wine tasting tour, stay at a B&b, girls day at the spa.

 

Then when she is sad or negative about the lack of quantity, remind her of the quality..."but Mom, think of the fun we will have on our girls weekend" then start making plans with her for the get away or the fun things you can do together next time you drive home.

 

The key here is when she is sad or negative and missing you redirect her thinking to something positive to look forward to with you.

 

Be kind but also be persistent. Try not to let her devices such as guilt affect you. Responding to them will only encourage her to utilize them more. Hopefully over time she will adjust to the new patterns of your and her lives as you become the independent adult you are meant to be.

Edited August 7, 2015 by SallyU
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