"Friends" with his ex-wife

[Love is a fairytale]

I've been dating a man for about 6 months. He is divorced and has full custody of his two children. His ex-wife lives in another state but periodically comes down to visit and spend time with the children. In the early stages of our relationship, I stated that I understood that she spent the night at my bf's house because the kids liked when she stayed over. However, I said eventually it might be problematic for me because I felt that if they were divorced, his ex wife should not be staying with him.

As things progressed, he finally agreed because he felt as though things we getting serious between us. He told her that she had to find another place to stay when coming down. Things seemed ok until I found out that my bf was talking to his ex on a regular basis about her current relationship and even details about our relationship. I told him that I was uncomfortable about it and that there needed to be clearer boundaries. I feel as though now that she see's him with me, she wants him back. My bf said he had a talk with her but lately he brings her name up in EVERY conversation. She is back in town and although he says she isn't staying with him, I don't believe him. I feel that he has misled me about being ready to be in a relationship and that he was over his ex. He is still facebook friends with her. He called me yesterday and mentioned her and I had had enough. I am going to break things off with him tonight but am I being unreasonable? I have never told him he couldn't talk to his ex wife because they do have kids together, but I think the nature of their relationship is leaving an open door for infidelity. What do you think?

[qubist]

you have every right to be mad and concerned. I don't suggest you end it with him today if you love him, but be firm and honest. do not accuse him but be honest and clear, tell him exactly what you just wrote. tell him that you feel uncomfortable with their relationship. if he really cares about you he will assure you and talk to you about putting boundaries ( since they share kids he can't just cut her loose). if doesn't care about you you will find that out too

good luck

[mrldii]

Based on what you've written, I agree that you have been more than accommodating, more than understanding, have been more than reasonable with your expectations and explanations, and have articulated all of it well to him.

 

You are not being unreasonable in deciding to break it off with him, though it doesn't require believing that he's lying to you (and she's still staying the night) and/or that they're going to get back together/he's going to be unfaithful.

 

There is no reason for a grown adult to discuss a current relationship with a member of the opposite sex and especially a current relationship with an ex. You have made this clear to him; he still does it. THAT is a betrayal...no need to wait around and see how far he's willing to go to/how often he's able to betray you in the future.

 

 

 

Best of luck to you, OP...

[Lois_Griffin]

UGH. This drama and bullsh*t is EXACTLY why I refused to date guys who weren't divorced for a while AND who didn't have dependent children.

 

That just spells, drama, baggage and oh yeah - DRAMA.

 

Drop this guy like the plague.

[Clockwork]

The writing seems to be on the wall. I'd say drop him.

 

 

Look, you do have to accept that a man with children is going to at the very least have to be friendly to the mother of their children forever. Especially if they are young. However, you don't need to take this stuff he's done. That's beyond the relationship they are supposed to have for the kids.

[Space Ritual]

I've been dating a man for about 6 months. He is divorced and has full custody of his two children. His ex-wife lives in another state but periodically comes down to visit and spend time with the children. In the early stages of our relationship, I stated that I understood that she spent the night at my bf's house because the kids liked when she stayed over. However, I said eventually it might be problematic for me because I felt that if they were divorced, his ex wife should not be staying with him.

As things progressed, he finally agreed because he felt as though things we getting serious between us. He told her that she had to find another place to stay when coming down. Things seemed ok until I found out that my bf was talking to his ex on a regular basis about her current relationship and even details about our relationship. I told him that I was uncomfortable about it and that there needed to be clearer boundaries. I feel as though now that she see's him with me, she wants him back. My bf said he had a talk with her but lately he brings her name up in EVERY conversation. She is back in town and although he says she isn't staying with him, I don't believe him. I feel that he has misled me about being ready to be in a relationship and that he was over his ex. He is still facebook friends with her. He called me yesterday and mentioned her and I had had enough. I am going to break things off with him tonight but am I being unreasonable? I have never told him he couldn't talk to his ex wife because they do have kids together, but I think the nature of their relationship is leaving an open door for infidelity. What do you think?

 

He is full of crap. Yes please dump him.

[Vercetti]

I have a son with my ex. I have not spoken with her direct or indirectly in two years. Closet thing was lawyers amending agrements. Just cause have a son doesn't mean I'm cursed to deal with her and stress my wife. Think would talk to ex for relationship advise with my wife...there is a parenting plan for a reason.

[Love is a fairytale]

Thank you all for your advice. Unfortunately, I have an update...

 

Well, after having that conversation with him, he came over and tried to make light of the whole situation. He told me in a round about way that he was going to have some type of conversation with his ex and trivalized my concerns. He made it seem like he really wanted our relationship to work so I gave him the benefit of the doubt.

 

BIG MISTAKE. I've had a really bad gut feeling this entire week about our relationship. The previous week, I spend the full week taking care of him after his shoulder surgery. He had NO ONE ELSE. I even spent time with his son and cooked , cleaned up, etc. I had to return back to work this week so I hadn't seen him but I would call and check on him to see how he was recovering. I offered to bring him food during the middle of the week and he declined. We usually make plans to see each other on the weekends due to my busy work schedule. Although our relationship isn't long distance, he lives about 30 minutes away, and in my line of work, I can't afford an hour commute during weekdays. When he called me tonight, he seemed rushed like he had to get off the phone and then he told on himself.

 

HIS EX IS STAYING AT THE HOUSE WITH HIM AND THAT'S WHY I CAN'T COME OVER THIS WEEKEND.

 

I told him good luck but this wasn't going to work for me at all. I told him to throw my things away that I left over his house and immediately blocked his number. Before the app could finish downloading to block his number, he tried to play the "dumb" card and say that he didn't know what I was talking about- what wasn't going to work out?

 

I'm upset at myself because I sort of knew this was going to happen. I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt because I had met his mother, sister, and children. Yesterday was our six month "anniversary" but I am glad I didn't waste another minute of my time. I'm just hurt that people can't do what is right- be truthful and honest to someone that is treating you NICELY. I was more than accommodating to him and never once told him that his ex couldn't see his kids, but I'm sorry she has been down here more than ever before since he started seeing me. She has come down 5 times in the past month. She told her daughter to address me by my first name. She tried to get my now ex back and she won. I will never fight for a man that puts me LAST in every aspect of his life.

 

The crazy thing is...this woman left her kids to live a free life- she's the one that wanted out of the marriage but now all of the sudden she wants it all back. I believe that they will reunite but after it's all said and done, all of the issues they had before will come right back up and he'll realize he screwed up. Or maybe they will reunite and have a happy family all over again. Either way, it was really messed up what he did and now I have to go back on antidepressants to deal with this pain.

 

I will probably never get involved with a man that has children again unless his ex has given up her parental rights or doesn't even exist anymore.

[sportygirl89]

Does he claim he is over her or he trying to get her back. First 6 months to a year be very cautious. I won't date anymore divorced guys. All the same! Play with your emotions then they drop you like a hot cake.

[S2B]

I think you've made a wise decision.

 

She came there often - AND stayed. She did that because he allowed it. She could have stayed somewhere else while visiting.

 

And she's there this weekend (to see the KIDS?) yet he can't leave to date you? Ya, that's more than fishy. Normally when a divorced parent has visitation it's with the kids; not the kids and the ex spouse.

 

He hasn't cut it off with her. And now he's made his priority known by stating he can't see you because she is there (in your place).

 

Let him have her. He sucks.

[mrldii]

...Let him have her. He sucks.

 

Absolutely this.

 

Put down the antidepressants and down a handful of virtual happy pills.

 

You and she (from what you've written) sound as if you are complete polar-opposite women. You took a week of your time to nurse him back to health; she's spent 6+ months coming and going as she pleases, leaving her child/ren behind TO do so. IF he's taken her back and IF they go off to live happily-ever-after, then that is the type of woman he prefers: someone is self-centered, self-involved, and lives to please only herself.

 

YOU are not that type of woman; eventually, you would have dumped him anyway for not being able to appreciate the type of woman you are. Or, he would have turned you into a similarly self-centered, self-involved woman who lives to please only herself.

 

Thank GOD he chose wisely (for him) to free you to find the type of man who DOES want a kind, patient, understanding, loving and giving person. Have that (next) guy send him a thank-you note for being so f**ked in the head that he stayed in his own lane when choosing the equally-f**ked-in-the-head woman to be with.

 

 

Chin up, my dear...he got what he deserves.

[Space Ritual]

Thank you all for your advice. Unfortunately, I have an update...

 

Well, after having that conversation with him, he came over and tried to make light of the whole situation. He told me in a round about way that he was going to have some type of conversation with his ex and trivalized my concerns. He made it seem like he really wanted our relationship to work so I gave him the benefit of the doubt.

 

BIG MISTAKE. I've had a really bad gut feeling this entire week about our relationship. The previous week, I spend the full week taking care of him after his shoulder surgery. He had NO ONE ELSE. I even spent time with his son and cooked , cleaned up, etc. I had to return back to work this week so I hadn't seen him but I would call and check on him to see how he was recovering. I offered to bring him food during the middle of the week and he declined. We usually make plans to see each other on the weekends due to my busy work schedule. Although our relationship isn't long distance, he lives about 30 minutes away, and in my line of work, I can't afford an hour commute during weekdays. When he called me tonight, he seemed rushed like he had to get off the phone and then he told on himself.

 

HIS EX IS STAYING AT THE HOUSE WITH HIM AND THAT'S WHY I CAN'T COME OVER THIS WEEKEND.

 

I told him good luck but this wasn't going to work for me at all. I told him to throw my things away that I left over his house and immediately blocked his number. Before the app could finish downloading to block his number, he tried to play the "dumb" card and say that he didn't know what I was talking about- what wasn't going to work out?

 

I'm upset at myself because I sort of knew this was going to happen. I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt because I had met his mother, sister, and children. Yesterday was our six month "anniversary" but I am glad I didn't waste another minute of my time. I'm just hurt that people can't do what is right- be truthful and honest to someone that is treating you NICELY. I was more than accommodating to him and never once told him that his ex couldn't see his kids, but I'm sorry she has been down here more than ever before since he started seeing me. She has come down 5 times in the past month. She told her daughter to address me by my first name. She tried to get my now ex back and she won. I will never fight for a man that puts me LAST in every aspect of his life.

 

The crazy thing is...this woman left her kids to live a free life- she's the one that wanted out of the marriage but now all of the sudden she wants it all back. I believe that they will reunite but after it's all said and done, all of the issues they had before will come right back up and he'll realize he screwed up. Or maybe they will reunite and have a happy family all over again. Either way, it was really messed up what he did and now I have to go back on antidepressants to deal with this pain.

 

I will probably never get involved with a man that has children again unless his ex has given up her parental rights or doesn't even exist anymore.

 

 

Sorry that happened but the guy was so full of crap his teeth were floating. I also learned the hard way about dating someone with Children. In my case I was on Vacation abroad and called my then Girlfriend and lo and behold her ex husband picked up the phone and it was 8 in the morning. And as in your case, my GF played dumb when I got her on the phone like this would not be a big deal. Never mind I had been taking care of her and her 3 children. When I got back to the States the first thing I did was take my name off of any bills we shared since it was really only me that was paying them. Never heard from her again....hope she is laying in a ditch clutching a bottle of Boone's Farm. Oh I could only hope...lol

[Love is a fairytale]

Does he claim he is over her or he trying to get her back. First 6 months to a year be very cautious. I won't date anymore divorced guys. All the same! Play with your emotions then they drop you like a hot cake.

 

In the beginning of the relationship, it seemed he was over her. As things progressed, I realized he wasn't due to a text message he accidentally sent me that was meant for her. Then bringing her name up in simple conversations, her calling him for relationship advice (who calls their ex husband for help in a new relationship????), and now the frequent trips since I was in his life. He had been divorced for 3 years when I met him so knew there would still be some residual feelings but it should have never been taken this far.

 

 

She came there often - AND stayed. She did that because he allowed it. She could have stayed somewhere else while visiting.

 

He hasn't cut it off with her. And now he's made his priority known by stating he can't see you because she is there (in your place).

 

 

This really helped me solidify my decision even more after reading this. His actions spoke VOLUMES. While I understand that his ex will always be in his life and that the kids come first, when the ex is staying over there to the point that they look like one big happy family again and I "can't come over", it's basically telling her that I have no presence in the relationship. She's probably thinking "He still has feelings for me because his girlfriend IS NEVER HERE".

[Love is a fairytale]

Absolutely this.

 

Put down the antidepressants and down a handful of virtual happy pills.

 

You and she (from what you've written) sound as if you are complete polar-opposite women. You took a week of your time to nurse him back to health; she's spent 6+ months coming and going as she pleases, leaving her child/ren behind TO do so. IF he's taken her back and IF they go off to live happily-ever-after, then that is the type of woman he prefers: someone is self-centered, self-involved, and lives to please only herself.

 

YOU are not that type of woman; eventually, you would have dumped him anyway for not being able to appreciate the type of woman you are. Or, he would have turned you into a similarly self-centered, self-involved woman who lives to please only herself.

 

Thank GOD he chose wisely (for him) to free you to find the type of man who DOES want a kind, patient, understanding, loving and giving person. Have that (next) guy send him a thank-you note for being so f**ked in the head that he stayed in his own lane when choosing the equally-f**ked-in-the-head woman to be with.

 

 

Chin up, my dear...he got what he deserves.

 

I think that's why this hurts a lot more today than yesterday because he used to tell me how grateful he was to be with me, that he didn't deserve me and that I was loving and affectionate- something his ex was not. You hit the nail on the head about us being polar opposites. Ironically enough, despite all of the things she did and the fact he sought me out, but in the end went back to her shows me that I can no longer trust when someone compares me to their ex. I feel that they are trying to convince themselves that they are over that person. If they have to convince themselves, then the feelings are still there.

[Love is a fairytale]

Sorry that happened but the guy was so full of crap his teeth were floating. I also learned the hard way about dating someone with Children. In my case I was on Vacation abroad and called my then Girlfriend and lo and behold her ex husband picked up the phone and it was 8 in the morning. And as in your case, my GF played dumb when I got her on the phone like this would not be a big deal. Never mind I had been taking care of her and her 3 children. When I got back to the States the first thing I did was take my name off of any bills we shared since it was really only me that was paying them. Never heard from her again....hope she is laying in a ditch clutching a bottle of Boone's Farm. Oh I could only hope...lol

 

I'm sooo sorry this happened to you. I am just angry/hurt/upset and I hate feeling this way. Especially when I have so many things to take care of and now I can't even think straight.

[Space Ritual]

he used to tell me how grateful he was to be with me, that he didn't deserve me and that I was loving and affectionate- something his ex was not.

 

I have come to learn when someone tells you that they don't deserve you, that there usually is a guilty conscience behind it.

 

If you read enough of these threads here on LS, and other sites., you will discover that literally 80 percent of them include the phrase "didn't deserve me".

 

That usually bears out to be true....lol

[Love is a fairytale]

I have come to learn when someone tells you that they don't deserve you, that there usually is a guilty conscience behind it.

 

If you read enough of these threads here on LS, and other sites., you will discover that literally 80 percent of them include the phrase "didn't deserve me".

 

That usually bears out to be true....lol

 

 

Thank you. I am trying to stay positive but I have to admit that it does hurt. He has not even tried to call me since I confronted him yesterday, so it appears that my gut feeling was correct all along.

[S2B]

He will be back in touch after his ex leaves. He can't talk right now because she's there.

 

 

Have a plan for the beginning of the week when he comes begging to have you back. He will.