too_risky Posted May 8, 2005 Share Posted May 8, 2005 If you're the one who broke it off, not for another relationship but for valid reasons that you thought were in the best interest of the other person. If you did it because you loved that person so very much that you felt like you were helping them. You had NC for 13 days and then you hurt so much for them, missed them so much you had to at least see how they were doing. You made contact with that person. You continued to talk for the next few weeks or so, things seemed to be getting better, that person said they'd never give up on your relationship. You decided to try to work things out. Next, that person meets someone new, decides they don't want you anymore, because of anger, hurt, resentment, who knows. They tell you they want no contact after knowing this person for only 2 weeks or so. You were together for 3 years. You finally explain to them why you did what you originally did. It makes sense to them. They understand now. They are confused, they need time to absorb it all. They say they will contact you. 2 weeks go by and still no contact. This person adored you, wanted you, loved you. The two of you never even fought. You hurt them but also helped them understand why you made the choices you made. Is it best to continue to respect that persons wishes and have no contact? I feel like I should be proving myself to this person. I'm the one who broke his trust, I'm the one who broke his heart, I'm the one who hurt this man I adore. I'm the one who broke the friendship in two. He is a hopeless romantic. If I have NC, won't he move on? Is this what he really wants? What do I do? I don't want to mess this up. Link to post Share on other sites
outdated Posted May 8, 2005 Share Posted May 8, 2005 Being on the receiving end of the same thing, I was hurt badly. Basically what you said is "I know what's right for you. Me leaving you will make everything better for you. I know this, because I am doing your thinking." Sadly, that obviously wasn't the case. A woman I loved did the same thing to me. "All I want is for you to be happy," she said. And I was devestated, but then I found someone else, and then she was devestated. Don't ever think for someone else. Ever. Not to be blunt, but you screwed this one, and if you have NC he will move on if he hasn't already. I did. If you want him back, you need to contact him, there will be no other way. YOU BROKE UP WITH HIM. Link to post Share on other sites
Sal Paradise Posted May 8, 2005 Share Posted May 8, 2005 You did this to yourself. He has every right to request no contact and to move on. He may believe you love him, he may even see why you may of did this but he can't trust to be with you. How does he know you won't do this again at the drop of the hat? I mean think about it, there was nothing wrong in your relationship and you both loved each other and you still broke up with him. How is he supposed to feel secure when he knows that everything could be perfect and you could still leave him? I say give him his NC. You explained to him your position. Either he decides he can trust or he doesn't. There's nothing you can really do at this point. You made you bed, now lie in it. Link to post Share on other sites
zep52 Posted May 8, 2005 Share Posted May 8, 2005 If you really want him go for it 100% all is fair in love and war, forget all the NC crap it is only any good for helping you heal, we all make mistakes especially it seems in the minefield we all call love, he loved you once, probably still does, the new woman may well be the real thing, and if she is well you will just have to cope with that as and when you find out, but she may also be just a passing fling, you will never know till you go after him, I have been chasing my girlfriend for the last 6 months, after what is now our fourth breakup, she refuses to commit and keeps running, this time i ended it, she loves me and i know it, i have lost friends over her and have made a general fool of myself, but without her everything is grey, it is nearing the point where i will give up on her, me leaving her is my last roll of the dice, if she truly wants me we will get back together, but if not i shall walk knowing that i gave it my all If you really want him, really really want him, do what ever it takes while still respecting him, miracles do happen, they really do, as a man i can tell you that nothing is more flattering than having a woman pursue you, put aside your pride (within reason) and go for it, you have nothing to lose, and everything to gain, love is worth it , but if it isn't to be, at some point you must accept it and move on, i love my girlfriend with all my heart, but at a certain point your head takes over and you will start to accept that it is not to be, when this happens you will know, as i now do, but until then love him, and the chances are he will reciprocate, it aint over till you quit... Dave Link to post Share on other sites
WithOrWithoutYou Posted May 8, 2005 Share Posted May 8, 2005 Originally posted by zep52 I have been chasing my girlfriend for the last 6 months, after what is now our fourth breakup, she refuses to commit and keeps running, this time i ended it, she loves me and i know it, i have lost friends over her and have made a general fool of myself, but without her everything is grey, it is nearing the point where i will give up on her, me leaving her is my last roll of the dice, if she truly wants me we will get back together, but if not i shall walk knowing that i gave it my all I could have written that paragraph myself about a month ago. Your logic is sound. Mine played at coming back, but didn't really, not in a real way, but at least I know I gave it my all. I hope you have better luck than I did. too_risky, If you truly love him, go after him, but don't play with him. Mean everything you say, and follow through 110%. It may be too late, or it may not, but at least you will know you put all of the cards on the table and tried your best. That will be something you can always keep with you, no matter what happens. There may come a time, when after you have told him all that you needed to tell him, and had a real talk about everything, that he may make another choice. At that point, if you really love him, you need to respect his wishes, as much as it hurts. Good luck, and I hope it works out. Link to post Share on other sites
gersanos Posted May 8, 2005 Share Posted May 8, 2005 If you're the one who broke it off, not for another relationship but for valid reasons that you thought were in the best interest of the other person. The reasons you have are irrelevant because they still did warrant a break up on your end. What exactly is a valid and an invalid reason for a break up? Next, that person meets someone new, decides they don't want you anymore, because of anger, hurt, resentment, who knows. They tell you they want no contact after knowing this person for only 2 weeks or so. He is trying to move on, and more than likely he has been hurt and is angry and has resentment. You already broke up with him once, why shouldn't he think that you'd do it again? This person adored you, wanted you, loved you. The two of you never even fought. You hurt them but also helped them understand why you made the choices you made. Is it best to continue to respect that persons wishes and have no contact? Yes, respect that persons wishes. The only way I would say to contact them would be by letter. A letter helps put your thoughts and feelings on paper, yes, paper, not e-mail. A letter is more personal than an e-mail or a text, but not too personal to seem invasive at a time like this. It shows that you took some time out to contact them, and puts the ball in there court. The phone may seem too much pressure. The letter will allow them to read it on there own time, let it sink in, think about it, and then decide to take a course of action. If I have NC, won't he move on? Is this what he really wants? It's hard to say. NC is used to move on, yes, but it may not be what he really wants. What he may want by that is to detach from you and from all the painful emotion that is/was involved, at least for the time being. Hard to say. I don't want to mess this up. It may be too late. Lets say that he was devastated by the break-up as you say. You come back then after 2 weeks. Resentment is present on his side. The trust has been broken. The friendship has been tossed. You caused this to happen. I don't know what was going on prior to the break-up, but, if you had communicated effectively all of your concerns and thoughts and feelings on what was going on, then it wouldn't have happened if you two understood each other. Link to post Share on other sites
Author too_risky Posted May 9, 2005 Author Share Posted May 9, 2005 I've tried to contact him, sent text messages once, one email and one phone call. I get nothing....I guess there's my answer huh? Should I let it go now? Fight for him 110%? I'm not sure where to go from here. I know he adored me and I'm willing to show him I mean what I say and that we are worth fighting for. He always told me he'd never give up on us. I feel like I should carry the torch now. Advice??? Link to post Share on other sites
outdated Posted May 9, 2005 Share Posted May 9, 2005 Let him be for now. You blew it. If he wants to talk to you, he will. There's nothing you can do now. Link to post Share on other sites
UCFKevin Posted May 9, 2005 Share Posted May 9, 2005 Sounds done to me. Sorry. Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted May 9, 2005 Share Posted May 9, 2005 You didn't screw up anything. You just fastened the inevitable. Good for you. If he found someone else just like, that it clearly means he didn't really love you at the end. We can't stop loving someone just because we broke up with them for 13 days. You got back together, things seemed fine after that so it's not the reason. He wants YOU to think that you did it and it's all your fault. He's just hot for this new girl's ass. He doesn't call cuz he's having fun with her. You didn't lose anything. Sometimes the most romantic people are the ones who burn faster than you want them to. He doesn't sound like a stable guy. Move on, girl! Link to post Share on other sites
mental_traveller Posted May 11, 2005 Share Posted May 11, 2005 This one's simple - if you are the dumper, and decide later that you made a big mistake, then the onus is totally on you to beg & grovel for the other person to come back. And I agree with "outdated" - if you have problems with a relationship, then *communicate*. Don't treat the other person like a child, or try to mollycoddle them & think what's best for them. You should only break off after giving fair warning, unless you SO has done something really out of line like cheat or get violent. So you should have warned him about your concerns, to give him a chance to think & maybe deal with them. But if you broke off to "save" him from something (in your own mind), then you were being pretty patronising IMO. Finally, if this guy has any self-respect, then he won't get in touch with you much, if at all, especially since he is seeing someone new. You've basically bruised his ego as well as his heart, and a typical man won't let himself look like a fool by begging for you to come back. So you are going to have make the moves here. You have to make it seem like you definitely want him back, and that now it's entirely up to him whether to take you or not. Whatever you do, don't pressure him into getting back with you. Just be honest and say you made a big mistake, and say you understand if he isn't interested, but would dearly love to get back together again, or at least try things for a while to see how it goes. Don't push too hard, but be persistent and keep in touch regularly (e.g. 2-3 times a week). Remind him you are still there and still interested. In this situation (trying to win back someone you dumped), NC is the absolute WORST thing you can do. Then cross your fingers and hope for the best! Link to post Share on other sites
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