Am I causing us pain for nothing?

[aj6735]

Hi all,

 

I'm new here and just looking for advice as I'm suffering. I've been the 'other woman' for 2 and a half years now, my MM doesn't seem like most of the ones I've read about on here, he probably spends more time with me than with his own family, he has lived in another city 2 hours away for the last 18 months but he still comes to stay regularly, spending anything from a day to an entire week at a time at mine, often several weekends in a row. He was here for my birthday, my daughter's birthday, new year, most dates that are important to me really. He knows most of my friends, we all hang out together and they all think he is lovely and often tell me he'd be the perfect bloke for me if he wasn't married. He even brought his son to my daughter's birthday party. He says he loves me and that he and his wife barely even speak any more and I honestly believe him, he's the most caring, considerate, wonderful man I've ever met, apart from the fact that he's cheating on his wife.

 

He truly seems like he's dying inside staying in the marriage and I've tried to convince him that he either needs to fix it or leave. He claims he wants to leave but feels trapped, he doesn't want to destroy the mother of his children. He says he's tried to tell her he's miserable at home but she's not interested and seems quite happy to just plod along as they are without even questioning why he spends so much time away with 'friends'.

 

Anyway, he's in the military and he's currently posted abroad but had to fly back over for work recently, he came to visit me for a night and then went back home to see his kids the next night before flying out again. Since then I accidentally found out that he'd actually been to his wife's graduation that day and whilst questioning him as to why he'd not mentioned that he was actually coming over for that (as its kind of important and its not like I begrudge him doing things with his wife), he blurted out how he feels so guilty for cheating on me but he doesn't know what to do and its killing him etc etc. Obviously I also hurt because despite the amount of time we spend together he's still not mine and our relationship cant be public knowledge.

 

So I ended up giving him an ultimatum, over the final few weeks of his posting abroad he sets things in motion and either he fixes his marriage, chooses properly to go back to his wife and I'll respect that and we can still be friends if thats what he wants, or he leaves his wife and we deal with the fallout and get to be a proper couple, or he carries on avoiding his issues and being a coward and we're over. I also told him that we're to avoid contacting each other in that time because I know that if we carry on as we are then nothing will change because he has nothing to motivate him.

 

Its been just 2 days and its already killing me. We usually talk pretty much all the time we're awake by instant messages and I feel like I've shut out my best friend and have so much I want to share that I can't. Its like I've lost a limb. Am I right to give him this ultimatum? I can't think of a good reason why not being with him at all is better than only partly being with him right now. And to make things worse, he did send me a message earlier to tell me his mother-in-law is in hospital and probably close to dying, he needs someone to talk to but I barely answered and that makes me feel bad for him, but I also know it means we're truly going to be over as there is understandably no way he'll grow the balls to do anything (even talking it out) while his wife is losing her mum. Am I making a mistake? I wish I knew

[Ms. Faust]

I do think you did the right thing, no reason sitting in limbo. I know this question is cliche, but I have to ask: If he does end up leaving his wife for you, will you be able to trust him as much as his wife does when he goes away on business?

[aj6735]

I would actually. For some reason I trust him completely, I never trusted my exes but yeah with him I would. He's just a fool I think. As am I

[Ms. Faust]

He's just a fool I think. As am I

 

So is the wife.

[aj6735]

Yep I think you're right there

[OldRover]

I would actually. For some reason I trust him completely, I never trusted my exes but yeah with him I would. He's just a fool I think. As am I

 

I can appreciate that.... yes, an OW can trust her MM. It does happen. There's LOTS of different situations, where one may not be trustworthy because of reasons that don't exist with someone else.

[Ronni_W]

but I also know it means we're truly going to be over as there is understandably no way he'll grow the balls to do anything (even talking it out) while his wife is losing her mum. Am I making a mistake? I wish I knew

You also do have the option of postponing the ultimatum until such time as his mum-in-law recovers or dies. Reason being that then, for all the future of the rest of your life, you will know for sure that there weren't any extenuating circumstances that might have influenced things, one way or the other.

 

That is, it's only the timing of your ultimatum that turns out to have been unfortunate, in the sense that it might just cause you to have "what ifs" if your relationship with him ends (as part of the result of the ultimatum).

 

On the other hand, if you're ready NOW -- which you must also be on some level, or you'd not have given the ultimatum in the first place -- then just let it play itself out, even with him also having to deal with his wife and her mum's illness.

 

There's no easy way, or "right" or "wrong" thing to do, I don't think.

Wishing you the best.

[aj6735]

You also do have the option of postponing the ultimatum until such time as his mum-in-law recovers or dies. Reason being that then, for all the future of the rest of your life, you will know for sure that there weren't any extenuating circumstances that might have influenced things, one way or the other.

 

Thanks for the advice, maybe you're right. Just not sure I'd have the strength to go through with it again if I back out now! Definitely worth considering though.

[Popsicle]

In my opinion, you would be making a grave mistake to continue to be friends with him after he chooses his wife.

[anika99]

You also do have the option of postponing the ultimatum until such time as his mum-in-law recovers or dies. Reason being that then, for all the future of the rest of your life, you will know for sure that there weren't any extenuating circumstances that might have influenced things, one way or the other.

 

That is, it's only the timing of your ultimatum that turns out to have been unfortunate, in the sense that it might just cause you to have "what ifs" if your relationship with him ends (as part of the result of the ultimatum).

 

On the other hand, if you're ready NOW -- which you must also be on some level, or you'd not have given the ultimatum in the first place -- then just let it play itself out, even with him also having to deal with his wife and her mum's illness.

 

There's no easy way, or "right" or "wrong" thing to do, I don't think.

Wishing you the best.

 

 

But if the MM isn't serious about leaving then there will always be some kind of extenuating circumstances that prevent him from leaving. After the mom dies it will be "just wait until after Christmas" then just wait until the youngest starts school, or the oldest leaves for college, just wait until the house sells, just wait until my wife gets a job, just wait until the cat has her babies. There will always be some excuse that will leave the OW wondering if she made a mistake by not waiting just a little bit longer. I actually find it quite suspicious that the MM's mother in law is suddenly dying right after the OP gave him an ultimatum.

[aj6735]

But if the MM isn't serious about leaving then there will always be some kind of extenuating circumstances that prevent him from leaving. After the mom dies it will be "just wait until after Christmas" then just wait until the youngest starts school, or the oldest leaves for college, just wait until the house sells, just wait until my wife gets a job, just wait until the cat has her babies. There will always be some excuse that will leave the OW wondering if she made a mistake by not waiting just a little bit longer. I actually find it quite suspicious that the MM's mother in law is suddenly dying right after the OP gave him an ultimatum.

 

Yep you're right on that too. His MIL was diagnosed with terminal cancer back in February so it isn't as suspicious as it sounds though.

[HappyAgain2014]

You're questioning the ultimatum because you already know the outcome.

 

That's what you should focus on. You know he's not going to do anything but make more excuses and probably will blame you for stressing him out.

 

Poor bastard has enough to worry about without you acting like his wife.

 

Sound familiar?

[sandylee1]

The ultimatum is a good thing. No point in him staying in the marriage unhappy. Leaving sets his wife free to find a man who truly loves her. At the moment he's being selfish and just because she trusts him , does not make her a fool. Many spouses travel a lot and they aren't all having affairs.

 

Then there's always a chance she's cheating as well, as it seems so rampant these days. His absence gives her lots of time for an OM.

[Bittersweetie]

I can't think of a good reason why not being with him at all is better than only partly being with him right now.

 

I can think of many reasons.

 

Because you deserve a partner's 100%.

 

Because you have enough self-respect to no longer share a man with his wife.

 

Because you no longer want to enable this man to live a double life (i.e. cake-eat).

 

Because you have enough integrity that yon no longer want to pass off another woman's husband as your boyfriend.

 

You made the right decision. If he truly wants to be with you, he will start making changes in order to do so. If he chooses to be with his wife, it will hurt, but at least you will know and not invest any more of your life on someone who is not willing to go the distance for you.

 

When I was in my A, I thought if I had a part-time relationship with xOM and a part-time relationship with H that would equal a whole relationship. I was wrong. It sucked on both sides. The 100% relationship I now have with my H is a thousand times better than what I had back then.

[AngeliqueC]

I was in your place twenty years ago... Twenty years later, I'm still waiting for his "right time" for him to talk to her, ask for a divorce, etc etc. Ask yourself: can I live this way another twenty years? Thirty? More? If you can, great - Welcome to the LONG term affairs club. If not, get out now!!

[still_an_Angel]

How determined are you to stick to your ultimatum? That's a major factor in how this plays out. Are you able to live up to it or crumble?

[BROKENOW]

I got the same Mm.. With me every day for hours. Talked for hours as well. I don't know how BS didn't wonder why he wasn't earning any money. Clue one!!He told me his father law was dying and talked about it a lot as he was very close. I gave him an ultimatum. They don't work... He must decide on his own. I'm not sure even now if it was a lie.

[dubliner]

Hi all,

 

I'm new here and just looking for advice as I'm suffering. I've been the 'other woman' for 2 and a half years now, my MM doesn't seem like most of the ones I've read about on here, he probably spends more time with me than with his own family, he has lived in another city 2 hours away for the last 18 months but he still comes to stay regularly, spending anything from a day to an entire week at a time at mine, often several weekends in a row. He was here for my birthday, my daughter's birthday, new year, most dates that are important to me really. He knows most of my friends, we all hang out together and they all think he is lovely and often tell me he'd be the perfect bloke for me if he wasn't married. He even brought his son to my daughter's birthday party. He says he loves me and that he and his wife barely even speak any more and I honestly believe him, he's the most caring, considerate, wonderful man I've ever met, apart from the fact that he's cheating on his wife.

 

He truly seems like he's dying inside staying in the marriage and I've tried to convince him that he either needs to fix it or leave. He claims he wants to leave but feels trapped, he doesn't want to destroy the mother of his children. He says he's tried to tell her he's miserable at home but she's not interested and seems quite happy to just plod along as they are without even questioning why he spends so much time away with 'friends'.

 

Anyway, he's in the military and he's currently posted abroad but had to fly back over for work recently, he came to visit me for a night and then went back home to see his kids the next night before flying out again. Since then I accidentally found out that he'd actually been to his wife's graduation that day and whilst questioning him as to why he'd not mentioned that he was actually coming over for that (as its kind of important and its not like I begrudge him doing things with his wife), he blurted out how he feels so guilty for cheating on me but he doesn't know what to do and its killing him etc etc. Obviously I also hurt because despite the amount of time we spend together he's still not mine and our relationship cant be public knowledge.

 

So I ended up giving him an ultimatum, over the final few weeks of his posting abroad he sets things in motion and either he fixes his marriage, chooses properly to go back to his wife and I'll respect that and we can still be friends if thats what he wants, or he leaves his wife and we deal with the fallout and get to be a proper couple, or he carries on avoiding his issues and being a coward and we're over. I also told him that we're to avoid contacting each other in that time because I know that if we carry on as we are then nothing will change because he has nothing to motivate him.

 

Its been just 2 days and its already killing me. We usually talk pretty much all the time we're awake by instant messages and I feel like I've shut out my best friend and have so much I want to share that I can't. Its like I've lost a limb. Am I right to give him this ultimatum? I can't think of a good reason why not being with him at all is better than only partly being with him right now. And to make things worse, he did send me a message earlier to tell me his mother-in-law is in hospital and probably close to dying, he needs someone to talk to but I barely answered and that makes me feel bad for him, but I also know it means we're truly going to be over as there is understandably no way he'll grow the balls to do anything (even talking it out) while his wife is losing her mum. Am I making a mistake? I wish I knew

 

Let's look at this from another perspective, his WIFE's mother has been terminally ill for months, it's no shock that at some point she would deteriorate and this would be a very difficult time for his wife.

Who needs the support right now?

His wife.

She needs him to be there for her 100%, not crying on the shoulder of the woman he is cheating on her with.

How do you think she would feel if she found that her husband was running to another woman when she needed him most?

 

His MIL's illness has nothing to do with you, this isn't about you and him, you are not his counsellor, you're not his partner and you're not really his friend, not in the true real honest sense. You're in a place in his life HE has chosen for you.

You made an ultimatum because you don't like that place, and now he's trying the emotional blackmail to get you to backtrack.

If he needs someone to talk to let him talk to his wife, his real friends that he has honest relationships with or a therapist.

 

If you relent, what changes? His MIL is still ill, his wife still needs him, you're still in your box. But he gets what he needs.

Leave him be, when he is in a position to follow through on his promises then is the time to talk, not now.

[Giggle]

Yeaaaaah. It's not even his mom and not a sudden thing. He's fine. I would definitely call it an excuse to talk to you because he misses you.

 

Mine couldn't even stand the thought of not talking to me this weekend. I think he's a bigger baby. Aaaaand they are afraid if they leave you alone long enough, you will find somebody else. Somebody you could actually have. I told him I was gonna have to find something extra to do to make the time pass and his first thought was someone else and suddenly he can talk to me this weekend.