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What causes MM/MW's to feel like they are imprisioned in their M beyond their control

Popsicle

By Popsicle,
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Popsicle

Popsicle

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Are they for real about this? Part of me think that they are faking that attitude (because it's an easy cop out) but part of me think they really believe that they are a poor victim who is stuck with no recourse. Like it is absolutely out of their control. I have seen many people, even people not in A's have this attitude. I might have even had it a long time ago when I was married, but I have long since forgotten. I just don't understand what makes one have this attitude. Is it because you spend so long being at your spouses beck and call and ignoring so many of your needs that you forgot what it's like to have any sort of control of yourself (or others) anymore?

 

Just curious.

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kilgore

kilgore

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Are they for real about this? Part of me think that they are faking that attitude (because it's an easy cop out) but part of me think they really believe that they are a poor victim who is stuck with no recourse. Like it is absolutely out of their control. I have seen many people, even people not in A's have this attitude. I might have even had it a long time ago when I was married, but I have long since forgotten. I just don't understand what makes one have this attitude. Is it because you spend so long being at your spouses beck and call and ignoring so many of your needs that you forgot what it's like to have any sort of control of yourself (or others) anymore?

 

Just curious.

 

I don't feel that way and have not had an affair

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Popsicle

Popsicle

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I don't feel that way and have not had an affair

 

Well, that's good. I am still curious about this attitude though.

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Woggle

Woggle

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Some people just like playing the victim. My first wife said that to me so I told her we can go see a lawyer and get a divorce if that is what she wanted and she got mad at me for being so cold about it.

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Popsicle

Popsicle

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I think it is bs

 

I always have too but tonight I'm wondering if they truly feel that way (not that I'd feel sorry for them, but still).

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kilgore

kilgore

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I always have too but tonight I'm wondering if they truly feel that way (not that I'd feel sorry for them, but still).

 

It feels convenient

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Popsicle

Popsicle

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Some people just like playing the victim. My first wife said that to me so I told her we can go see a lawyer and get a divorce if that is what she wanted and she got mad at me for being so cold about it.

 

Interesting....

 

She must have felt that you had the upper hand all the time and that she could never win. This is what I'm talking about....

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Juno

Juno

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It is a crock of sh*t. They say this to explain away their delay in taking action. I believe they very well maybe unhappy in their marriage, but there are aspect of it that are working and possibly cherish. Taking this stance allows them to maintain what is good in the relationship.

 

My MM said he would divorce his wife today, but he just doesn't know how. This is coming from a man who has several advanced degrees.

 

I told him he should start by talking to a lawyer. He acted as if I was speaking in tongues & didn't understand a word I said.

 

It's a stall tactic.

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Woggle

Woggle

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Interesting....

 

She must have felt that you had the upper hand all the time and that she could never win. This is what I'm talking about....

 

I don't know why but I have found that many chronic complainers never really want a solution. My view was that if that marriage was making her so miserable then why didn't she get out of it? I never want anybody to stay with me that doesn't want to be there.

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Popsicle

Popsicle

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Very interesting responses, so far. They illustrate exactly what I was talking about.

 

It is a crock of sh*t. They say this to explain away their delay in taking action. I believe they very well maybe unhappy in their marriage, but there are aspect of it that are working and possibly cherish. Taking this stance allows them to maintain what is good in the relationship.

 

My MM said he would divorce his wife today, but he just doesn't know how. This is coming from a man who has several advanced degrees.

 

I told him he should start by talking to a lawyer. He acted as if I was speaking in tongues & didn't understand a word I said.

 

It's a stall tactic.

 

He feels like he is being held hostage!

 

I don't know why but I have found that many chronic complainers never really want a solution. My view was that if that marriage was making her so miserable then why didn't she get out of it? I never want anybody to stay with me that doesn't want to be there.

 

There is something that makes them feel like they have no control (at the hands of the other person) and they just want the other person to stop being a meanie or stop doing them wrong. To tell her that she can just go get a divorce is just you being a meanie again and as usual not understanding. More of the same.

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Goodbye

Goodbye

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Well, I left a long term marriage and we had 3 kids together. The marriage was BAD, but it took me quite a while to work up the nerve to pull the plug. After a decade and a half it is tough. I wasn't cheating on him, mind you...that could have motivated me to move on faster. It does feel like the sky is going to fall especially if you live in a community like mine...intact families all doing cute activities together. Filing for divorce definitely raised eyebrows but it was the right thing to do because I knew the marriage couldn't be improved and I didn't want to feel like a hostage anymore...and frankly, I didn't want my daughters growing up thinking traditional marriage was the only way to go, happy or not. My kids have bounced back nicely...as has the exH who has had a string of much younger gf's (one of whom he is marrying this weekend).

 

My ex MM did the "you have no idea how hard it is to break up a family" thing we me. He was telling this to the WRONG woman.

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kilgore

kilgore

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Well, I left a long term marriage and we had 3 kids together. The marriage was BAD, but it took me quite a while to work up the nerve to pull the plug. After a decade and a half it is tough. I wasn't cheating on him, mind you...that could have motivated me to move on faster. It does feel like the sky is going to fall especially if you live in a community like mine...intact families all doing cute activities together. Filing for divorce definitely raised eyebrows but it was the right thing to do because I knew the marriage couldn't be improved and I didn't want to feel like a hostage anymore...and frankly, I didn't want my daughters growing up thinking traditional marriage was the only way to go, happy or not. My kids have bounced back nicely...as has the exH who has had a string of much younger gf's (one of whom he is marrying this weekend).

 

My ex MM did the "you have no idea how hard it is to break up a family" thing we me. He was telling this to the WRONG woman.

Thanks for sharing. Your posts are great

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Popsicle

Popsicle

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My ex MM did the "you have no idea how hard it is to break up a family" thing we me. He was telling this to the WRONG woman.

 

Lol.

 

I don't think they realize that they're talking to someone who's been there, done that before.

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Hope Shimmers

Hope Shimmers

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I think that men in general are much more cowardly than women when it comes to relationships. Or at least I seem to be very good at getting involved with emotionally codependent, weak men who are afraid to be on their own.

 

Men don't want to jump out of the frying pan into the fire. In other words, they may truly be unhappy or at least dissatisfied in their marriages, yet they don't have a "guarantee" that something better is out there. So they ain't leaving! Because hey, what if it really isn't better? Then what?

 

Whereas women believe and trust in their feelings more, and in general believe in relationships more. Men need a sure thing before they take action, and there is never a sure thing. So for them the status quo, however dissatisfying that might be, is better than the unknown.

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kilgore

kilgore

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I think that men in general are much more cowardly than women when it comes to relationships. Or at least I seem to be very good at getting involved with emotionally codependent, weak men who are afraid to be on their own.

 

Men don't want to jump out of the frying pan into the fire. In other words, they may truly be unhappy or at least dissatisfied in their marriages, yet they don't have a "guarantee" that something better is out there. So they ain't leaving! Because hey, what if it really isn't better? Then what?

 

Whereas women believe and trust in their feelings more, and in general believe in relationships more. Men need a sure thing before they take action, and there is never a sure thing. So for them the status quo, however dissatisfying that might be, is better than the unknown.

in my experience women are much braver than men
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Popsicle

Popsicle

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in my experience women are much braver than men

 

Unfortunately, that's not sexy. It's the opposite.

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Raena

Raena

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I think for many people, the evil you know is better than the evil you don't. They don't leave out of fear that if they do, there will be consequences they don't like... financial, emotional, child rearing issues and so on.

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kilgore

kilgore

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Unfortunately, that's not sexy. It's the opposite.

 

All I meant was that in my experience it was women who were more willing to take a chance on a relationship, to take it to the next level, while the guys (ok me) were more scared.

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Popsicle

Popsicle

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All I meant was that in my experience it was women who were more willing to take a chance on a relationship, to take it to the next level, while the guys (ok me) were more scared.

 

I knew what you meant.

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Popsicle

Popsicle

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I didn't mean to offend you at all

 

Why would you think I'm offended? I'm not. We're just having a discussion.

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SammySammy

SammySammy

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Kids and financial obligations.

 

Some people are really devoted to their kids and the idea of family even if they are not faithful. Social pressures and expectations from family, friends, church and so forth can also play a role in keeping an otherwise failing marriage together.

 

I think financial obligations is the other one. Divorce is expensive for many people. They may not be in the best position to take that financial hit at the moment.

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HappyAgain2014

HappyAgain2014

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Here's the recipe:

 

*Frequent excuse that is generally accepted by APs.

*Sense of being powerless feeds their victim mentality and ignites the OW to make excuses for him. Men aren't the only ones with a rescue complex.

*identity is based on their families, including their wives.

*Cowardly behavior means they are seldom honest with themselves nevermind anyone else.

 

This combination makes a hot mess that will ruin lives.

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