What causes MM/MW's to feel like they are imprisioned in their M beyond their control

[amomwhoknows]

I wonder why so many OW/OM believe that the AP wants to leave. It is likely they are simply looking for fun outside of the marriage, but never intend to leave. This is why, upon discovery of the affair, it is often the wronged party that actually files. Given the opportunity, the wandering spouse would stay. They don't want to leave the marriage.

 

There are cases where people have an exit affair (again though, they want their betrayed spouse to file so they aren't the bad guy) or even scarier for the other woman/other man, they are looking for a soft landing because the want out of their marriage but not to be alone.

 

These people say what they have to say to get what they want from their other person, be it sex, emotional connections etc.

 

How many other people would stay in an affair if the person said I have a great marriage/life, things aren't always easy, but I am not going anywhere, but hey I want a little fun on the side. (Of course, I think this is the premise of Ashley Madison right?)

 

To keep the access going, I think cheaters will often pretend that their feelings have evolved to maintain the benefits of the affair.

 

I think a huge percentage of folks cheating just want to have fun, a release whatever and really don't want to change much else (ie end their marriage.)

Edited August 7, 2015 by amomwhoknows

[anika99]

I think being cowardly plays a role but when it comes to cheating MM I think I think the true reason they don't leave is pure selfishness. Most marriages/relationships have some benefits attached to them even if they are not really happy unions. When a woman is unhappy and decides to leave she realizes that by leaving she has to sacrifice those benefits, at least temporarily, until she meets her new prince charming.

 

 

When I left my alcoholic ex we had very little to hold on to. We weren't married, didn't have kids, didn't own assets together, yet there were still things I missed. I missed the extra income, the shared friends, some of the routines we did together, the warm body next to me in bed, etc. Walking away from everything we shared was painful but I knew it had to be done.

 

 

Cheating MM don't want to give up anything. They want all the comforts at home plus the excitement of an affair. They feel entitled to have everything they have plus more. They don't care that they are cheating and lying to their families and robbing the OW of part of her life, they only care about themselves. It's all about them and their well being. I have no sympathy for a man who cheats and then whines about being trapped. That's a lot of BS. They just don't want to face giving up either their marriage or their OW, they want both and think they deserve it.

[Furious]

Are they for real about this? Part of me think that they are faking that attitude (because it's an easy cop out) but part of me think they really believe that they are a poor victim who is stuck with no recourse. Like it is absolutely out of their control. I have seen many people, even people not in A's have this attitude. I might have even had it a long time ago when I was married, but I have long since forgotten. I just don't understand what makes one have this attitude. Is it because you spend so long being at your spouses beck and call and ignoring so many of your needs that you forgot what it's like to have any sort of control of yourself (or others) anymore?

 

Just curious.

 

 

Thi irony is if the MM was so trapped and stuck in his marraige how is that this trapped "victim" has the time and freedom to cheat. The greatest tool a cheater uses is the trust of their spouse, trust that they're working "late"..."the business trip", "gone fishing with the guys", "at the gym"....etc.....come on...why do OW buy the "victim" woe is me from the MM, when they know that when out with the MM he has lied about where he is to his spouse...come on...it's mind boggling that so many OW don't connect the dots. Who is watching the kids, who is taking care of things when MM is out with OW , the MM who claims to love his kids so much, but is taking that time away from his kids to spend it with OW.

[Got it]

Both of my parents said this to us while growing up as well as later on. My mom said she was stuck financially/concern about our upbringing under my dad and my father said he was stuck financially as well as not seeing the kids as much/concern about my brother's upbringing under my mom.

 

They divorced when the youngest graduated high school.

 

My father still stands by his decision to wait as well as being stuck. While I see his argument, I don't necessarily agree and have agreed to disagree. They were the adults and their decision to do with it what they wanted owning the consequences.

 

Ultimately he felt that as bad as it was, and we have expressed it was, divorce would have been more likely far worse.

[HappyAgain2014]

Still, another element to staying in prison, is the fact that he can't just AGREE that it should end. I'd like it to be a mutual, amicable parting. Instead, it's a mind game to keep me (only for financial reasons). The marriage is completely lacking intimacy, and his only motive is money. I talk to him and tell him that I'm not happy living in HIS world, HIS way. Everything is determined by him. He either gets angry or stays silent when I try to talk to him. He never just agrees that it's not a marriage and needs to end. I told him I won't stay in a marriage that isn't a marriage. I'd rather be single and alone than married and alone. Yet, he says nothing. It makes me feel like I must be wrong.

 

Keep in mind, that good people would just agree that it's not working, and part ways amicably. He's just a selfish person that wants me to be his prisoner (living by only his rules). He controls virtually every aspect of my life. That's how it feels. Maybe I'm a coward, but he's helped to make me more of one.

 

You have to get past the idea that he will ever agree. I was married to a man like your H. Everything was my fault, he was smarter, I was crazy, blah blah.

 

The lack of agreement is a control issue. It also undermines your confidence if you let it. I spent years waiting for my opportunity. I finally told a few people I could trust. I stayed for my kids for many years but I also left the marriage for them. I couldn't let them believe this was how marriage was supposed to be.

 

In a perfect world, we would have agreed to divorce, worked everything out peacefully, and coparented our children. It was ugly but he lost the control he believed he had and now acts like a complete victim.

 

Fast forward a few years. I'm married to a wonderful man who not only loves me, but them. They were shocked by his consideration for me and trust him in a way they will never trust their dad.

 

Make a plan and execute it. No matter what happens, you will come out on the other side.

[Got it]

As someone one said " no one ever died of divorce"

 

Actually not true, some people have tied due to actions tied to divorce.

 

But there are far other very negative ramifications tied to divorcing than just death. Many people, not just people in affairs, stay in marriages because of other constraints. Which is why the second most popular time to divorce is at the beginning of the empty nest stage. Liability tied to minor children is gone, child support concerns gone, and potentially some level of alimony.

 

Others stay because of fear change, fear of the unknown, etc.

 

Staying unhappily married extends across a wide swath of marriages including many that do not have affairs involved.

[minimariah]

Then she "forgot" to take birth control and "forgot" to tell him and there came another baby.

 

wait, wait, wait... he was DYING in his marriage & was miserable - but continued to have sex with her...?

 

why...? was he attempting to "work" on the marriage & save something...? was she blackmailing him or something...? why not stop with the sexual life alltogether - would she abuse him even more if he didn't keep that part up...?

 

(i'm in no way being rude or sarcastic, i'm genuinely interested.)

[minimariah]

I could be wrong, but I think part of the reason they use this excuse is cowardice.

 

i would call it - lack of motivation.

 

it's really hard to discuss what is brave or what's cowardly in situations like these. many folks (men and women) do feel like they cannot handle the consequences of them leaving -- they do leave when the motivation for actually staying away is strong enough. usually it's the affair - it can be something else. so i don't think it's an excuse - many really do feel trapped and like they cannot leave for this or that reason.

 

takes time for folks to step out of something where they aren't happy - and in my experience, for MEN? it's even harder. i have a feeling women leave faster & easier.

[autumnnight]

Staying unhappily married extends across a wide swath of marriages including many that do not have affairs involved.

 

Funny how many people forget this.

 

Most of the time in the above case, the person who was just fine with the status quo cannot BELIEVE that the unhappy person is leaving.

 

And of course, some forums proport that the only reason anyone would ever leave out of the blue is an A, which is not true.

 

The odd thing about affairs and not leaving that I have seen is this, though: I know people who were absolutely miserable in their marriages, but they did not leave due to their church/extended family/religion. In other words, abject misery was a "sinful" reason to leave...so they stayed, only to cheat, which is also sinful (if we are talking religion in this case).

 

Maybe it would be better to take some of the guilt tripping pressure and stigma for divorce over misery off the table?

[Revolver]

Married men get so much tail on the side. I don't know there is something about that ring that makes women go crazy

[unluckycharms]

This.

 

My MM acts like he's in prison, saying strange, martyr like things to me all the time, such as "You are free. I am not. "

 

"I can't remember what it is like to be free..."

 

" I'm so trapped. I'm so trapped and miserable...."

 

This is a wealthy, assertive, very shrewd, business alpha type man.

 

He literally should come with his own violin pathos soundtrack.

 

He speaks of his marriage like he's the man in the iron mask.

 

It's insane.

 

Ha, mine would use the whole "you're free, you don't understand how trapped I am" storyline too. He actually is pretty financially dependent on his wife and her family right now but I believe his real reasons for not leaving are a fear of conflict and a fear of being alone. At the end of the day, the reason doesn't really matter though and I try not to focus on it because it doesn't excuse his behavior.

Edited August 7, 2015 by unluckycharms

[Redheaded Mistress]

wait, wait, wait... he was DYING in his marriage & was miserable - but continued to have sex with her...?

 

why...? was he attempting to "work" on the marriage & save something...? was she blackmailing him or something...? why not stop with the sexual life alltogether - would she abuse him even more if he didn't keep that part up...?

 

(i'm in no way being rude or sarcastic, i'm genuinely interested.)

 

He'd left, but he came back. When he came back, he felt like he had to try to make the best of the situation. Things were fine for a few weeks, but then things backslid to where they were around when he left. By then, however, he'd resolved that was his life and his future... So he really had no reason to not have a sexual relationship with her.

 

Again, this is all before I came along and all I have to go on is what she told me and what little he's told me. I know more about what happened from her point-of-view than his. All he'll say is that it was a really bad time in his life and, as much as he loves their child, the whole birth control thing was the straw that broke the camel's back in the trust department and that was the point where he just felt like their marriage was irrecoverably broken. The other things, the abuse, the opening credit cards in his name, the debt... He could rationalize all of it in one way or another, but when she got pregnant after lying about birth control when he made really, really clear that he didn't want kids anymore... The only thing he could see that act as was a deliberate attempt to tie him into the marriage and make it harder to leave, and she wasn't really subtle about how that was her motivation behind getting pregnant. She felt the more kids, the less likely he would leave because she'd "need him more."

 

It was just messy. His ex was recently diagnosed with a mental illness which she most likely has had for quite awhile, so... It explains a lot.

[minimariah]

All His ex was recently diagnosed with a mental illness which she most likely has had for quite awhile, so... It explains a lot.

 

ohhhhh, so he did leave before he met you? thank you for replying. well, now that she has been diagnosed - maybe she'll accept treatment & finally get better.

[Josmatjes]

I don't leave for many reasons: 1- am I a quitter? Did I just quit? 2- Children, I was sick to my stomach reading about divorce and how custody would work, I hate the thought of my kids not being with me all the time, and missing their dad. 3- finances! I can't afford to live on my own... My kids deserve the best life and that can only be provided when there are two incomes not two incomes being split. 4- my family and his family are ours and I would miss them, they are hard to let go and they would hate me forever.

More shallow things also play a role, such as social status and loosing friendships.

 

It's not an easy thing to get your head around.

 

These are also my reasons. Some people think its so easy. My girlfriend just got a divorce but he makes a lot of money so she is financially set. For me, we make a good living but if I get divorced I will be forced to sell my house and split the assets and find a new place to live with three kids and that accepts cats and dog. Family poses a problem, I will be hated.

I guess for me I need to just be more stable myself to make that kind of move. I think it's the same for men but worse because they most likely will only get visitation. If it were easy no one in their 40s would be married!!

[2.50 a gallon]

Two of my MW were trapped. Both in their 30's, both with children, both with semi sexless marriages. Once a week to get hubby off. Both co-workers who approached me after the break up of my marriage. Both had recalled my Ex at a party bragging of my oral skills, an act neither had experienced but were wanting.

The first one's husband was a golf addict. He brought in more money than her, and felt it was his right to spend the excess golfing each weekend. He was gone each and every weekend. As she put it she was no longer his wife, more like his children's nanny. The children, I believe one was first year high school, or to start the next year. They lived in an exclusive and upscale neighborhood. Both children liked the schools they were in, and both were making excellent grades. To divorce, meant they would have to move and no longer be able to attend school with their life long friends. She did not want to put them thru that and was waiting for them to graduate high school

The second MW story was similar. The same or similar story with her children. Her H was totally into racing. Racing is a money pit, and she did not realize how deeply in debt he had put them, of which she would be expected to pay half. She had already contacted an attorney

[sandylee1]

I told him I won't stay in a marriage that isn't a marriage.

.

 

Not to be harsh here, but your words mean nothing , because YOU are in a marriage that isn't a marriage.

 

The thing is that everyone is different. Some people can be controlled and others can't. You can be and that's why he controls you.

 

I personally believe that if the marriage was really that bad, they'd leave. Some people would much rather a better marriage , more sparks, similar interests etc, but the marriage is okay and there's the feeling of, is there anything better out there.

 

Remembering that they were once very much in love with their spouse and that changed.......there's always the 'what if the same happens with the OM/OW'

 

I knew someone who a couple where the man was a serial cheater. He wasn't leaving the marriage no matter how unhappy he claimed to be, because he liked the status of being married. His much younger wife was beautiful and she felt trapped because she was a SAHM and he controlled all the money.

 

On top of all that he was physically abusive and it got to the point that after seeing her swollen face and busted lip (not for the first time), my dad got her father's contact details and told him to come and get his daughter, before her H killed her.

 

A plan came into action and her dad got her and the kids out of the country when her H was at work. She wasn't going to leave him by herself, because he made her feel that she was soon lucky to be married to him because she wasn't very highly educated.

[Arieswoman]

RHM post #44

 

Then she "forgot" to take birth control and "forgot" to tell him and there came another baby.

 

I call BS on this one.

 

If he was that unhappy why did he

a - continue having unprotected sex with his wife and

b - not either put something on the end of it, or get a vasectomy?

 

Two girls I know were married to serial cheaters who had at least 4 affairs each. Coincidentally each WH left when the 4th ( yes 4th !! ) child was a new baby.

 

I can't help but wonder at the mindset of these two women who kept having kids with serial cheaters.....

[LovelyBrown]

These are also my reasons. Some people think its so easy. My girlfriend just got a divorce but he makes a lot of money so she is financially set. For me, we make a good living but if I get divorced I will be forced to sell my house and split the assets and find a new place to live with three kids and that accepts cats and dog. Family poses a problem, I will be hated.

I guess for me I need to just be more stable myself to make that kind of move. I think it's the same for men but worse because they most likely will only get visitation. If it were easy no one in their 40s would be married!!

 

So true. That's what I keep waiting for, for me to be more financially stable.

[Got it]

Not to be harsh here, but your words mean nothing , because YOU are in a marriage that isn't a marriage.

 

The thing is that everyone is different. Some people can be controlled and others can't. You can be and that's why he controls you.

 

I personally believe that if the marriage was really that bad, they'd leave. Some people would much rather a better marriage , more sparks, similar interests etc, but the marriage is okay and there's the feeling of, is there anything better out there.

 

 

Sorry I have to counter this point. My parents' marriage, by all perimeters was THAT bad, there was emotional, mental and at points physical abuse. This was on both sides. I saw my dad taken away in handcuffs for an altercation with my mom and trying to physically push her out of the house (she said some things that were extremely hurtful to him and that was how he reacted), they were financially strapped for most of my childhood where, at times, we lost our house phone line, running on emergency heat because it was broken, etc. Not enough to have gotten government help, or they never pursued it, but very tight.

 

In all of that neither saw divorce as a possibility at that time. Both were miserable. Exceedingly miserable, but they still stayed.

 

So I have learned that a marriage can be very bad and people will still stay. Leaving is not always an option they see as viable regardless of what other's on the outside think.

[cocorico]

Sorry I have to counter this point. My parents' marriage, by all perimeters was THAT bad, there was emotional, mental and at points physical abuse. This was on both sides. I saw my dad taken away in handcuffs for an altercation with my mom and trying to physically push her out of the house (she said some things that were extremely hurtful to him and that was how he reacted), they were financially strapped for most of my childhood where, at times, we lost our house phone line, running on emergency heat because it was broken, etc. Not enough to have gotten government help, or they never pursued it, but very tight.

 

In all of that neither saw divorce as a possibility at that time. Both were miserable. Exceedingly miserable, but they still stayed.

 

So I have learned that a marriage can be very bad and people will still stay. Leaving is not always an option they see as viable regardless of what other's on the outside think.

 

Mine did, too - until the kids were grown. Then they split, and my dad M his OW.

 

I know I used to pray they'd D, since I was a little kid, but I guess that if they had back then, we'd have been given to my mother - which is how it worked in those days - and things might have been a lot worse for us. Who knows. I hated it at the time though. He saw it as his duty. You don't walk out on the kids you spawned. You stay - however miserable you are - until they're grown. Then you get your shot at happiness.

 

I think my H was the same. He had never felt so free, so happy, as he was during the first split - and for himself, he would never have agreed to take her back. But she had fallen apart completely, and the kids had been really traumatised by the whole thing (witnessing her attack him physically, then drive off and disappear for ages... etc) and so when they also begged him to take her back, he did - conditionally. And of course when she broke all her promises about going to MC and being a better person, his only option was to leave - but how could he, seeing how badly she had traumatised the kids doing just that? So he stayed, and yes, felt trapped. Very vulnerable to an A, which he succumbed to later.

[cocorico]

RHM post #44

 

 

 

I call BS on this one.

 

If he was that unhappy why did he

a - continue having unprotected sex with his wife and

b - not either put something on the end of it, or get a vasectomy?

 

 

I can't speak about this particular case, but in similar others

 

a - the woman claimed to be on the pill / injection, and swore she was taking care of contraception and that he didn't need to. To insist on a condom in those circumstances is obviously an act of bad faith then - it's tantamount to accusing her of lying, and a sure fire way to kill any desire or ability to perform. And some women have been known to sabotage condoms with pinpricks or use of oil-based lubricants, anyway.

 

b - some countries insist that a married man get his wife's permission for a vasectomy. And if she's planning to trap him with a pregnancy, she's unlikely to agree.

[SolG]

I have a work colleague whose parents consider themselves 'trapped'. Apparently growing up her dad travelled a lot for work and was rarely home. Things were tolerable then; frosty but manageable. When he retired and was actually at home all the time it became very obvious that all was far from well with their M. They ended up moving into separate wings.

 

They live that separately that the (now adult) children have to call them both when they have news because they won't pass it on to one another. Yet on the other hand... They still have their evening meal together, attend functions as a couple, and even vacation together once or twice a year.

 

My colleague--who btw swears she believes neither of them have other partners--and her siblings have repeatedly told them separately that they should just be done with it. But apparently the nub of it is the estate; they both want to stay there, or somewhere similar. But if it were split in a settlement, neither would be able to. And that's more important to them than freedom or moving on. Sounds like whomever outlives the other in this case will 'win'!

 

They both feel trapped, and indeed are so. By choice. And that's invariably the way. When faced with competing paths, most of us choose that with the greater payoff in the currency that we value the greatest (eg, love, respect, security, wealth, time with children, etc). Just because it's the greater/greatest of the options we find available, does not mean it is one strewn with happiness. Sometimes all of them suck and we just go with that we percieve as the least suckiest.

 

I think feeling trapped can be an emotional reality. What is not helpful is the abrogation of responsibility inherent in believing that you are trapped 'beyond your control'. The reality is that the trap is of your choosing.

[Arieswoman]

corcoico post #71,

 

That still doesn't explain why he was having sex with her at all - if he was so unhappy in his marriage??

 

Either he wasn't that unhappy or he was using her.

 

In the first case he was lying to OW.

 

In the 2nd case he was using someone for sex - not nice.

 

Either way he was cake-eating.

 

 

It never ceases to amaze me how many OW believe this rubbish that MM spout - "we don't have sex any more", "it's a marriage in name only" etc etc.

 

A girl I knew was a MM's mistress for about 12 years bought all this garbage and believed they would be together when his two boys were old enough. When the youngest went off to Uni she thought he would make a move. He made a move alright but not in her direction. He made a move with his wife to Mothercare shop to buy a pram for the new baby.

 

She finally broke up with him after that

[cocorico]

corcoico post #71,

 

That still doesn't explain why he was having sex with her at all - if he was so unhappy in his marriage??

 

Either he wasn't that unhappy or he was using her.

 

In the first case he was lying to OW.

 

In the 2nd case he was using someone for sex - not nice.

 

Either way he was cake-eating.

 

As I said, I don't know the circumstances of this case, so can't comment on that. The cases I knew involved men not wanting kids, and being conned into that by their wives who did. There wasn't infidelity involved (AFAIK, anyway) so considerations of "cake-eating" (urgh! I hate that term) didn't apply, and nor were they "using" their wives for sex - they were having normal marital relations; though perhaps it could be said that their wives were using them, since they were being employed as sperm donors without their consent.

 

Were I to speculate, however, I would guess that a man in that position - having an A, but still having sex with his BW - would be doing so so as not to arouse suspicion. Yes, technically that might be considered "using" - but if he's not enjoying it, and is fantasising about the OW while doing the BW, say, then it's probably closer to a mercy **** - and he's probably the one being used.

[Arieswoman]

coricoco,

 

but if he's not enjoying it, and is fantasising about the OW while doing the BW, say, then it's probably closer to a mercy **** - and he's probably the one being used.

 

^^^^ that is quite honestly the most distasteful comment I've read on this site for some time. It say a great deal about the mindset of a cheating H - yuch.