How to keep NC at work?

[rackcity]

I'm slightly embarrassed that I need to post something on here, because I feel so stupid about this all. This thing with a MM at work started about two years ago and ended about a month ago. For two years it was non-stop, we saw each other multiple times a week outside of work, talked at work all day, and texted non-stop during waking hours.

 

It's over now but I have to deal with him at work. He said he told his W everything and they're making it work for their child. I don't believe him but I'm telling myself it doesn't matter anymore.

 

How do you keep NC at work? I've been good about not texting, unfriending on social media, etc. I have to admit that the first two weeks I went up to him and asked him a few questions, things like whether the W was going to say anything to our coworkers, and whether we were going to ignore each other, etc. I stopped two weeks ago. This week he asked me if I was going to ignore him all the time as I stopped acknowledging his presence. I said yes and walked away, even though I was really tempted to talk to him and ask how he's doing.

 

I guess I am just struggling with everything so much. We really were extremely codependent. I think we spent more time together than a lot of normal couples. He was emotionally and verbally very abusive towards me. He would berate me but then make up for it with compliments and presents.

 

I know I posted about NC at work, but any advice for this situation would be really helpful. I have so much anxiety and I feel so lonely and terrified of everything. I am an introvert and used to prefer staying home and doing nothing. Now I feel anxiety about being alone at all, even if it's walking to work. I am seeing a therapist but I just have no clue how to put myself back together again.

[amomwhoknows]

Most recommend that you start looking for a new job. This makes everything better.

 

In the meantime, you just have to do the NC thing for your own mental well being. You deserve better and you deserve more. Just keep telling yourself that if he approaches you.

[Ifalltopieces]

First and foremost, congrats on initiating NC! As hard as it is, you have already begun the process of healing.

 

Second, most people will tell you to find another job. In reality, this isn't always feasible. If you can find another job that wold be great! If you can't, maybe pursue working a different shift or relocating to another area. If these things just aren't feasible, then you need to remember that you are the one in control.

 

From what it sounds like, Ex MM can't stand being ignored by you. As badly as you want to talk to him, DO NOT DO IT! Every time you talk to him, he feels validated and he thinks he has you. Also, hold your head high!!!! These men prey on the weak. They get pleasure out of our pain and it empowers them to see us sad and upset! As hard as it might be, wear a smile on your face!!!!!! Laugh, joke with other people and show him what he lost AND show him that your life goes on without him!

 

If he does approach you to talk, avoid it. Even if you have to smile and run off with "sorry I'm really busy"....avoid him and ignore him!

 

As for him supposedly telling his wifey, I call BS. These men avoid ALL conflict!!!!!! He didn't tell her squat and if he did, he surely didn't tell her everything. He told her what he WANTED her to know and that's probably only after she pried it out of him. Don't torture yourself with thoughts of "them"...unless they work on the issues in their marriage, he will be right back finding another woman to nurse his fractured ego. In a sick way, we OW make these marriages bearable. We provide just enough of an escape, which allows these men to not rock the boat on the home front but still get their little fragile egos stroked on the side.

 

I have been an OW for 2 years. This has been the most abusive, dysfunctional "relationship" I have ever been a part of. I have initiated NC several times, only to allow him to weasel his lying A** right back in. I recognize the hold he has on me and I have started pulling back.

 

Your already on the road to healing, don't let him take that away from you

[GoldieLox]

New job. If not possible, ask for a transfer to another department, if you're physically near him, ask to move offices or cubicles.

 

If absolutely none of that is possible, keep yourself busy at work. I'm not sure what you do for a job, but if there's downtime, either read, play a game on your phone, start a new project, chat with coworkers, take a walk, do anything to avoid him and keep yourself distracted. I personally enjoyed writing in a journal. I actually started parking in a new parking lot for a while and altering my arrival time by 5-10 minutes just to avoid him.

 

Most of all, do not let him know that he gets to you. I really encourage the job hunting, but again, I know it's not always possible. The problem is that you may find yourself in this NC/C cycle.

[road]

NC at work is a must.

 

 

This is why you getting a new employer is a must.

[whichwayisup]

I said yes and walked away, even though I was really tempted to talk to him and ask how he's doing.

 

Reading from below, this exMM sounds like a real jerk and you allowed him to abuse you and berate you. That's so not healthy! I hope you gain your confidence back and learn to love yourself with the help of your therapist. Continue to ignore him. If you can't handle working with him, then ask for a transfer or start looking for another job.

I guess I am just struggling with everything so much. We really were extremely codependent. I think we spent more time together than a lot of normal couples. He was emotionally and verbally very abusive towards me. He would berate me but then make up for it with compliments and presents.

[privategal]

His behavior and abuse should help keep you away. Finding a new job, even just looking would be good.

If you can listen to meditation style music with earphones its relaxing. Also aromatherapy oils from online geared toward stress...some can be ingested...like Bach brand...others inhaled. A stress ball to squeeze, making an effort to have friends...maybe just one?

A home project like painting a room and putting some plants and new blankets and pillows.

A new diet can be a good distraction like maybe a juice cleanse. Yoga or walks by the river or beach...force yourself out of your shell, life is short! Start living.

[rackcity]

I have been an OW for 2 years. This has been the most abusive, dysfunctional "relationship" I have ever been a part of. I have initiated NC several times, only to allow him to weasel his lying A** right back in. I recognize the hold he has on me and I have started pulling back.

 

Your already on the road to healing, don't let him take that away from you

 

Thanks everyone for the advice and support! It really means a lot and is really helpful. I'm sorry to hear that you're in a similar position. I tried to break things off multiple times in the past year... the first time I told him I couldn't do this anymore was Sept 2014! I am determined to make it stick this time.

 

It isn't a good time to be looking for another job, but thankfully I have a lot of friends on the floor and they have all been great distractions.

[Artie Lang]

you really need to look for another job, regardless if it's a "good" time or not. if it's affecting you like you say, your sanity is waaay more important, dontcha think? notice i said "look"... doesn't mean you'd have to leave now. when something to your liking comes along, seriously consider a change in work environment.

[lemondrop21]

I'm sending you a hug. You're not alone.

 

My MM and I just had a conversation that ended the A this morning, after 5 weeks of NC. Knowing he's just one hallway away makes me want to vomit. The whole thing makes me want to vomit.

 

I have to believe that it will get better with time, and also that it will get a LOT better if you find a new job. That's my goal as well although unfortunately it's challenging for me right now and I have a good gig here... but you gotta do what you gotta do for YOU.