Sister hates family, since very young

[SallyU]

Hello all! I am here seeking some understanding as to what drives my sister's behavior. I have considered that she is somewhere on the scale of sociopath but she doesn't quite fit the profile.

 

Her story, she was born two years after me. She was not planned but my mother bonded to her very strongly. She was somewhat sickly so my mother would spend extra time caring for her and found that I was a distraction and "too much" to care for along with my younger baby sister. She pushed me into my Dad's arms which at the time was not normal, it was the 1960s and Dads weren't as involved in rearing babies and toddlers then. My father, however took me along with him to work and fishing and other places and I became his little side kick. I am thankful for that as I already at that young age sensed the displacement, rejection, if you will of my mother's actions.

 

I learned to cope and accept the situation, though it did cause struggles for me including depression but I recognize them and work on it as I can.

 

So this is more about a sister who, as she grew, started to resent the attention my father showed me (unable to comprehend as an adult my mother basically dumped me on him). In spite of, or because of, my mother's extra nurturing efforts my sister grew to hate her as well. Those fights they had. In the middle of the mall my sister screaming at my mother because my mother couldn't afford the $80.00 designer jeans my sister wanted. I'll never forget the screaming match in the car going to the local store to buy birthday decorations. My sisters birthday was coming up and she was furious that my mother refused to spend more then $50 on birthday decorations. She painted a huge #1 on the long side of her bedroom wall. It started in the lower corner and then grew to take up the whole wall as if a shooting star. A huge, garish, brightly colored # 1.

 

That my parent's allowed this astounded me, even as a young preteen. My Dad mostly stayed out of it. I guess he understood what my sister was doing, being manipulative, controlling, selfish and seeking attention. I stood in dismay at the way my mother would fight with my sister at home and in public.

 

I too was an object of scorn and belittled by her. She enjoyed humiliating me and after she reached the age of 10 we were not close, even while living under the same roof. She often told me that she hated having me as a sister.

 

I often thought, if only she had not been born, how happy and peaceful our family would be. I used to feel guilty of the thought, a 5 cent condom would have prevented all the chaos and negativity this child brought forth.

 

As the years waned on the battle between my mother and sister continued. Over some incredibly ridiculous things like how to cook a certain dish for dinner. She continued humiliate me and dismiss me. Since there was absolutely no positive reason to interact with her my way of dealing with her has been to withdraw and avoid contact. My mother avoids conflict and if put into a situation with no easy out will simply take my sister's side, often at my expense. To a certain extent I think my mother is afraid of my sister.

 

After she had a child of her own things did calm down a bit and we were amiable enough, though not what I would ever call close and loving. Definitely NO unconditional love from my sister.

 

Recently due the aging of our parents she and I came to a conflict regarding how to address an issue with my father who is suffering with depression due to his advanced age, loss of hearing and now eyesight.

 

She wanted to confront him, based I was told, on my mother's urging because he was "bringing everyone down". She even concocted some stories about another relative to support her desire. Stories which I knew weren't true and did verify later.

 

In my world you don't confront a man in his mid 80s who is essentially dying and complain about how he is bringing everyone down. My father, who had been so strong well into his 70s is struggling with end of life. Seems to me compassion and understanding would be the most humane and kind and loving way to treat him as he tries to prepare for his last days here in this life. I stood up to her in a way I've never done so before regarding this. It ended ugly. Frankly at this point I wish to clear her out of my life completely. Though I will have to keep up appearances for the sake of my frail and elderly parents.

 

Wow...if you've made it this far I want to thank you for reading!!

 

I also would really like to know other's thoughts on what may drive my sister to be the way she is. She seems to have sociopathic tendencies but it's directed primarily at her core family. She is very kind to animals and doesn't seem to show her cruel or selfish side to friends or co workers, in fact she holds them often in high esteem. She does treat her husband badly, I've witnessed her being very disrespectful to him and for it their marriage is now on the rocks. Yet it doesn't match with a true sociopath as I understand it, since she is very selective as to who she acts out towards and it tends to be the same people over and over. I do believe she was born with what ever internal demons that drive her behavior. My mother unwittingly enabled it further...but what "it" is I don't know.

 

I think it would be helpful for me to understand what condition or personality disorder this may be, it would give me some closure and information on how better to deal with her. Any input is welcome and appreciated. Thank you!!

Edited August 7, 2015 by SallyU
Spelling errors.

[mrs rubble]

I don't know anything about personality disorders but after reading your story I'd guess that if she is aware she was an unplanned baby perhaps she has deep resentment over the fact. Maybe she feels she was unwanted and acted out in order to gain attention and or justify her existence, after so many years of acting this way it's become a habit?

 

I truly believe you were right to stand up to her over your father.

I'm sure your parents appreciate your kindness.

[TaraMaiden2]

No, she's a spoilt brat with a sense of entitlement and what she needs is someone who will stand up to her and give her as good as she gets.

 

She could do with bringing down a peg or two.

 

your mother spoiled her rotten and by doing so, created a monster.

[minimariah]

your mother spoiled her rotten and by doing so, created a monster.

 

^^

 

& the father helped - by "staying out of it".

[Radu]

Spoiled rotten and never taught humility.

 

Key is what you said, that if in contest with one another, your mother will always side with her out of fear.

It means no barrier was broken with her that required her parents to do ... adjustments in behaviour [grounding, punishment ... stuff like that].

 

I have a cousin that was raised just like that, because his older brother died of a heart condition and he was much younger than his older brother, so he became the 'only child' of the family.

2 sets of grandparents not willing to confront even when he made the life of others miserable, a mother who was similarly nonconfrontational.

A dad who confronted, but not that much ... made a bloody monster.

[Ronni_W]

SallyU,

There is an entirely different way to come to look at and understand some relationships and relationship dynamics, if you are open to the concept of karma, karmic relationships, karmic returns. These do not exclude psychological ego dramas and control games but, rather, do include them.

 

Regardless, you are not obligated to stay in any environment that is ultimately negative for you...even if that is a sibling or parental relationship. You can simply say, "I don't want to be around this type of vibe/energy", and then refuse to engage (react) in any way. Because you are not responsible for how other people (even your siblings) treat their parents. You are not responsible for how other people (even your parents) let other people (even their children) treat them.

 

You simply stay neutral to their games and dramas, do what is in YOUR own heart to do, and ignore all the rest. You have the right -- and the power and authority over yourself -- to simply ignore other people's ego dramas and control games.

 

Easier said than done, I know. That's why, for me, it is easier to just accept that other people sometimes are just involved in clearing up their own karmic stuff; and it has nothing to do with me...and it's not my business or right to get involved with them doing that; no matter how they are choosing to do that.

[SallyU]

I don't know anything about personality disorders but after reading your story I'd guess that if she is aware she was an unplanned baby perhaps she has deep resentment over the fact. Maybe she feels she was unwanted and acted out in order to gain attention and or justify her existence, after so many years of acting this way it's become a habit?

 

I truly believe you were right to stand up to her over your father.

I'm sure your parents appreciate your kindness.

 

 

I had pondered whether she knows that she was an 'accident'. My mother sure didn't treat her as an unwanted child though. She was very loved, maybe too much really, smothered almost by my mother. I've never said anything to her about it. My mother or father may have though. Have felt compassion for her due to this but unfortunately the bad has outweighed the good in our relationship over the years.

 

No, she's a spoilt brat with a sense of entitlement and what she needs is someone who will stand up to her and give her as good as she gets.

 

She could do with bringing down a peg or two.

 

your mother spoiled her rotten and by doing so, created a monster.

 

 

One time my mother called me complaining about my sister. I told her, "you created that monster". Interesting you should say something similar here. Helps me a lot to know that I'm not a bad person for seeing the truth and saying the truth.

 

^^

 

& the father helped - by "staying out of it".

 

 

I agree and her sense of entitlement approaches the level of a personality disorder, IMHO.

 

 

I hadn't considered that aspect, my father 'staying out of it' did enable it. I think a lot of men do that, especially of his generation.

[SallyU]

Spoiled rotten and never taught humility.

 

Key is what you said, that if in contest with one another, your mother will always side with her out of fear.

It means no barrier was broken with her that required her parents to do ... adjustments in behaviour [grounding, punishment ... stuff like that].

 

I have a cousin that was raised just like that, because his older brother died of a heart condition and he was much younger than his older brother, so he became the 'only child' of the family.

2 sets of grandparents not willing to confront even when he made the life of others miserable, a mother who was similarly nonconfrontational.

A dad who confronted, but not that much ... made a bloody monster.

 

 

She was punished by my mother. Spanked, grounded, didn't always get what she wanted, hence the knock down drag out fights between my sister and mother. As my sister got older my mother slowly stopped fighting her though. I think my mother gave up after my sister hit her 20's. They still had some fights (like those two could never cook a meal together, they always fought about some part of the meal prep). So my mother just stopped even trying. Oddly she would also pander to my sister when they weren't fighting. Now that my mother is older I do think she is afraid of my sister and just doesn't want to fight anymore.

 

 

I recall a time my mother was spanking my sister and my sister started laughing. A bizarre and weird laugh, which infuriated my mother futher. (and my mother didn't just 'pat' she was an old school spanker, many good whacks with a wooden spoon. You had marks on your butt when she was done.)

 

 

Punishment (at least the traditional kind employed by my mother) didn't seem to affect my sister.

 

 

This is why I think that she has a personality disorder which is probably inherited. It does run on my mother's side of the family.

 

 

Interestingly, I take after my father in appearance and temperament whereas my sister takes after my mother's side of the family much more so.

Edited August 8, 2015 by SallyU

[SallyU]

SallyU,

There is an entirely different way to come to look at and understand some relationships and relationship dynamics, if you are open to the concept of karma, karmic relationships, karmic returns. These do not exclude psychological ego dramas and control games but, rather, do include them.

 

Regardless, you are not obligated to stay in any environment that is ultimately negative for you...even if that is a sibling or parental relationship. You can simply say, "I don't want to be around this type of vibe/energy", and then refuse to engage (react) in any way. Because you are not responsible for how other people (even your siblings) treat their parents. You are not responsible for how other people (even your parents) let other people (even their children) treat them.

 

You simply stay neutral to their games and dramas, do what is in YOUR own heart to do, and ignore all the rest. You have the right -- and the power and authority over yourself -- to simply ignore other people's ego dramas and control games.

 

Easier said than done, I know. That's why, for me, it is easier to just accept that other people sometimes are just involved in clearing up their own karmic stuff; and it has nothing to do with me...and it's not my business or right to get involved with them doing that; no matter how they are choosing to do that.

 

 

Yes, I am student (not practicing really, just learning) of Buddhism. I've thought about karma and it's role in our lives.

 

 

I'm also fan of Sun Tzu.

 

 

It is best to ignore or not start the war if another method achieves positive goals.

 

 

I also note that Buddhism (nor most religions) prohibit self defense or the defense of another who cannot defend themselves.

 

It's a difficult line you know? Allowing Karma to flow in each person's life as it should but not allowing yourself to be abused or hurt.

 

Put this way, I've been very easy going with my sister's insults to my life and peace for many, many years. I will *not* start a war with her. I will allow her to think (as a sociopath does) that I am weak. I will leave her alone to deal with her karma (which there is a heavy load on her I think...but that's another story). Having said that if she comes at me with her negative energy or tries to damage my (imperfect yes) but frail and elderly parents I will not hold back. She will be as TaraMaiden2 suggests, knocked down a peg or two.

 

 

I wish she would seek mental health help, but I know even the suggestion of it would throw her into one of her rages. She simply cannot handle even the gentlest suggestion that perhaps 'she' is the one with the problem.

 

 

She has an extremely well defended ego.

 

 

What I have learned over the years is the only way to deal with a crazy person is to be crazier then they.

 

 

In her world this is a control 'game', a game of maintaining her false sense of over-blown self worth and world view. In my world it's serious and I don't play games.

 

 

I told her she will never use me as her 'whipping post' again and I meant it.

 

 

Hopefully she senses the seriousness of what I said because if she doesn't and she intrudes on my peace or tries to attack my father all hell is going to break loose on her.

Edited August 8, 2015 by SallyU

[SallyU]

I want to thank all of you have posted your thoughts here.

 

 

It's eerie really how all of you have touched on things I've pondered and have pointed out things that I needed to ponder.

 

 

Your comments, each and every one, have been helpful and it's been very cathartic for me to share and gain understanding through your comments.

 

 

Thank you very much for taking the time to read and respond.

 

 

Namaste.

[SallyU]

...and the saddest part of it all. My neice is becoming just like her Mom.

 

 

Another relative who is close to our family and often visits and I had a heart to heart about this.

 

 

This person also felt as I did, we probably won't be able to have a close relationship with her. We are both broken hearted about this.

 

 

My sister has referred to her daughter as her 'mini-me' and sadly, that is what my niece is turning out to be.

 

 

Of all the things I've been through with my sister and family, that for me is the saddest and hardest thing to witness and now accept.

[Radu]

She was punished by my mother. Spanked, grounded, didn't always get what she wanted, hence the knock down drag out fights between my sister and mother. As my sister got older my mother slowly stopped fighting her though. I think my mother gave up after my sister hit her 20's. They still had some fights (like those two could never cook a meal together, they always fought about some part of the meal prep). So my mother just stopped even trying. Oddly she would also pander to my sister when they weren't fighting. Now that my mother is older I do think she is afraid of my sister and just doesn't want to fight anymore.

 

 

I recall a time my mother was spanking my sister and my sister started laughing. A bizarre and weird laugh, which infuriated my mother futher. (and my mother didn't just 'pat' she was an old school spanker, many good whacks with a wooden spoon. You had marks on your butt when she was done.)

 

 

Punishment (at least the traditional kind employed by my mother) didn't seem to affect my sister.

 

 

This is why I think that she has a personality disorder which is probably inherited. It does run on my mother's side of the family.

 

 

Interestingly, I take after my father in appearance and temperament whereas my sister takes after my mother's side of the family much more so.

Then most likely it was a situation where she got her strength to stand up to her from someplace.

 

A deep belief that she was right and no matter what happened, she was right.

What you are seeing is egotistical + lack of empathy.

 

Which is probably why her marriage is on the rocks.

[writergal]

 

I think it would be helpful for me to understand what condition or personality disorder this may be, it would give me some closure and information on how better to deal with her. Any input is welcome and appreciated. Thank you!!

 

No one here can diagnose your sister officially -- only a licensed psychologist can and that's without meeting your sister. Have you tried therapy for yourself? If not, perhaps you should consider it so that you can get insight in how to deal with her.

 

Your other choice is sibling estrangement. It's not uncommon for adults to do, but not widely talking about because of the stigma attached to it. No family is perfect, and siblings are not required to be best pals as that is a rarity.

 

Even if your sister has a mental illness, the only way you can get closure for the trauma she has caused you directly, is to confront her directly about that trauma -- in person, or electronically via email. She may not give you answers that satisfy you either.

[Tiger Lily]

Sorry for the conflict you're having (and have always had) with your sister.

 

I wondered, as I read your post, if there was a possibility that your father was more of the impetus behind your parents "picking sides". Could there have been a possibility that, rather than your mother getting close to your sister and "pushing you off on your father", that maybe your father shied away from your sister (especially as she was unexpected, and sick) and gravitated towards you? Maybe your mother, seeing his favoritism towards you, began to defend your sister?

 

I think there are a lot of family dynamics that we can't always understand as we were young children at the time, and our perspectives are always very self-centered at the time. That's only natural, because we were children. But there could have been a lot more going on at the time that helped contribute to your sister's behaviors.

 

She could have very well sensed that she was not fully desired by her father. I think that creates havoc in the life of a young girl. And obviously he parenting style used didn't help.

 

Have you tried talking calmly about your concerns with your relationship with your sister? If anything, for the sake of your relationship with your niece. She could probably really benefit from having you in her life.

[SallyU]

No one here can diagnose your sister officially -- only a licensed psychologist can and that's without meeting your sister. Have you tried therapy for yourself? If not, perhaps you should consider it so that you can get insight in how to deal with her.

 

Your other choice is sibling estrangement. It's not uncommon for adults to do, but not widely talking about because of the stigma attached to it. No family is perfect, and siblings are not required to be best pals as that is a rarity.

 

Even if your sister has a mental illness, the only way you can get closure for the trauma she has caused you directly, is to confront her directly about that trauma -- in person, or electronically via email. She may not give you answers that satisfy you either.

 

Understood. At best it would only be an educated guess, especially online. It was a counselor I was seeing who suggested that perhaps part of her issue was being smothered by my mother.

 

 

The irony here is my sister always has been and continues to be the type of person who cannot admit that she is wrong or needs help herself. That would be the only way to get a definitive diagnosis, *her* willingness to see a counselor. Given family history it is in the realm of possibility that she is suffering from an inherited disorder.

 

 

In answer to your question, yes I have been to a Psychologist and LCSW off and on over the years. Their advice matches yours, stand up to her or disenfranchise her.

 

 

I have cut off communications with her for many years in the past. She had a child, when my parents moved to be close to their grand daughter, the dynamics shifted. I hoped that things would change, they seemed to but these sociopathic tendencies lurk under the surface. She's back to her old ways now.

 

 

So at this point my communications will be sparse at best and only because she and I are both involved in helping our elderly parents. I am still debating on whether I should continue to reach out to my niece or not.

 

 

When my parents pass I will cut off communications completely, unless a miracle happens and she changes.

[SallyU]

Sorry for the conflict you're having (and have always had) with your sister.

 

I wondered, as I read your post, if there was a possibility that your father was more of the impetus behind your parents "picking sides". Could there have been a possibility that, rather than your mother getting close to your sister and "pushing you off on your father", that maybe your father shied away from your sister (especially as she was unexpected, and sick) and gravitated towards you? Maybe your mother, seeing his favoritism towards you, began to defend your sister?

 

I think there are a lot of family dynamics that we can't always understand as we were young children at the time, and our perspectives are always very self-centered at the time. That's only natural, because we were children. But there could have been a lot more going on at the time that helped contribute to your sister's behaviors.

 

She could have very well sensed that she was not fully desired by her father. I think that creates havoc in the life of a young girl. And obviously he parenting style used didn't help.

 

Have you tried talking calmly about your concerns with your relationship with your sister? If anything, for the sake of your relationship with your niece. She could probably really benefit from having you in her life.

 

Oh yes, she has actually openly expressed that. It has made her angry in the past. I've tried to discuss it with her but she only perceives from her point of view. To try and point out to her that my mother actually perpetuated that dynamic by asking my father to take me with him to work and other places sends her into a tail spin.

 

 

I have tried talking with her calmly, she rages. By raging I mean she will clench her fists and scream (has done this while driving a car, with me in it, 80 mph on the highway and I can't even remember exactly what set her off). The other thing she does is attack and retreat. She will make a blunt statement condemning me, my opinion, my suggestion and run away. "This is not open for discussion" and she will walk away, hang up on the phone (she has hung up on me several times) or stop communicating entirely.

 

 

The last blow up started because she said something I found hurtful and I said "I found what you just said hurtful". She immediately raised her voice at me started yelling, I told her stop yelling and she hung up.

 

 

She will not have the opportunity to hang up on me again.

[SallyU]

p.s. I know reaching out here, online, is really a shot in the dark and no one can 'officially' diagnose what the problem is. Still I have found the comments thus far to be helpful and some good points brought up that I hadn't considered. I appreciate it.

[SallyU]

Then most likely it was a situation where she got her strength to stand up to her from someplace.

 

A deep belief that she was right and no matter what happened, she was right.

What you are seeing is egotistical + lack of empathy.

 

Which is probably why her marriage is on the rocks.

 

Yup and that is often associated with personality disorders.

 

 

Not to say she is off her rocker crazy, she is intelligent and successful in her career. She can very charming and is kind to her friends and associates at work, from what I have witnessed. There is this side to her though, that just isn't normal and it's mostly directed at family over the years.

[writergal]

Understood. At best it would only be an educated guess, especially online. It was a counselor I was seeing who suggested that perhaps part of her issue was being smothered by my mother.

 

The irony here is my sister always has been and continues to be the type of person who cannot admit that she is wrong or needs help herself. That would be the only way to get a definitive diagnosis, *her* willingness to see a counselor. Given family history it is in the realm of possibility that she is suffering from an inherited disorder.

 

In answer to your question, yes I have been to a Psychologist and LCSW off and on over the years. Their advice matches yours, stand up to her or disenfranchise her.

 

I have cut off communications with her for many years in the past. She had a child, when my parents moved to be close to their grand daughter, the dynamics shifted. I hoped that things would change, they seemed to but these sociopathic tendencies lurk under the surface. She's back to her old ways now.

 

So at this point my communications will be sparse at best and only because she and I are both involved in helping our elderly parents. I am still debating on whether I should continue to reach out to my niece or not.

 

When my parents pass I will cut off communications completely, unless a miracle happens and she changes.

 

I can empathize with your situation because I'm permanently estranged from my brother and his family. I offered to attend therapy with him but he refused. It took my immediate family (mother and sister) and my sister's children 3 years to adjust to this new family dynamic but now it's accepted as an un-changing reality.

 

I understand that your communication regarding your elderly parents is necessary with your sister. Yes, I think you could reach out to your niece and explain the truth to her. I did that with my sister's 3 children and they are still young. They understand that their aunt (me) and uncle (my brother) don't like each other. As far as I can tell it doesn't bother them, or I think they would have said something to me or to my sister. I think your niece will appreciate hearing from you as long as you don't put her in the middle of the situation. Hearing your side, will give her perspective about why you and her mother don't stay in touch. And, if your sister tells her lies about you, she'll know not to believe her mother if she has a good, stable relationship with you, especially if things with her mother break down and she needs an adult to go to for safety -- she has you.

[SallyU]

Thank you Writergal. I agree with you.

 

 

I will attempt to keep the lines of communication open with my niece. She is still fairly young (not a teenager yet) so it will be difficult to communicate with her if my sister decides to not allow it.

 

 

So it may have to wait until my niece is older and can communicate independently from her mother.

 

 

I intend to send cards for birthdays and such until then and play it by ear.

 

 

BUT...if my niece becomes like her mother, which she may, then it will be I who don't want her in my life.

[writergal]

Thank you Writergal. I agree with you.

 

 

I will attempt to keep the lines of communication open with my niece. She is still fairly young (not a teenager yet) so it will be difficult to communicate with her if my sister decides to not allow it.

 

 

So it may have to wait until my niece is older and can communicate independently from her mother.

 

 

I intend to send cards for birthdays and such until then and play it by ear.

 

 

BUT...if my niece becomes like her mother, which she may, then it will be I who don't want her in my life.

 

And you never know. Your niece may have an epiphany one day about her mother's behavior and be appalled by it. So, the pendulum could swing that way too. She may not turn into her mother. Her friends' feedback will help her determine what behavior keeps good people in her life.

 

Continue to be a good role model for your niece despite your sister's behavior as much as you can. Definitely send your niece cards for birthdays, holidays, graduation, etc.,. because that's a great way to stay connected with her.

[Tiger Lily]

The last blow up started because she said something I found hurtful and I said "I found what you just said hurtful". She immediately raised her voice at me started yelling, I told her stop yelling and she hung up.

 

She will not have the opportunity to hang up on me again.

 

You're faced with a task that should have been done many years ago: standing up to your sister. I agree that a line should have been drawn in the sand (by the whole family) and if she couldn't act right, the family should have probably disconnected a bit until she could act better. Ideally that would have been done when she was little.

 

You seem to understand there were complicated dynamics at play, and maybe your sister was rejected by her father. I definitely wonder if that was more of the relationship dynamic at play, as it seems there was a possibility that your mother wasn't necessarily rejecting you at all, but just trying to take the place of father in your sister's life.

 

Given that possibility, it would seem to inspire at least some element of pity. It's sad that your sister grew up without the boundaries she needed, allowed to get away with so much, not shown a true example of what authority looked like. You and she are different. You seemed OK with the dynamic, and she wasn't. Not necessarily her fault, but unfortunate for her.

 

She's an adult now, and has no business to continue to act how she does. But I wonder if you have any pity or compassion for the fact that she has had an unhealthy family experience...?

 

I did not always believe in God, but have come to have a relationship with God (through Christ), and have learned a lot about forgiveness. I have a lot more to learn, as forgiveness can be very hard. But many times, forgiving is mainly helpful to our own personal lives. I pray that you are able to forgive your sister, and, if anything, move on in your life. At this point, you still seem very attached to wanting her to change into a different person. As you learn to forgive, hopefully you'll be able to let go of the idealistic version of "sister", and move forward in who you each are as individuals. If that involves disconnecting (at least for a time), there is nothing wrong with that, imo.

 

Your family is in my prayers, Sally.

 

God bless.

[SallyU]

You're faced with a task that should have been done many years ago: standing up to your sister. I agree that a line should have been drawn in the sand (by the whole family) and if she couldn't act right, the family should have probably disconnected a bit until she could act better. Ideally that would have been done when she was little.

 

You seem to understand there were complicated dynamics at play, and maybe your sister was rejected by her father. I definitely wonder if that was more of the relationship dynamic at play, as it seems there was a possibility that your mother wasn't necessarily rejecting you at all, but just trying to take the place of father in your sister's life.

 

Given that possibility, it would seem to inspire at least some element of pity. It's sad that your sister grew up without the boundaries she needed, allowed to get away with so much, not shown a true example of what authority looked like. You and she are different. You seemed OK with the dynamic, and she wasn't. Not necessarily her fault, but unfortunate for her.

 

She's an adult now, and has no business to continue to act how she does. But I wonder if you have any pity or compassion for the fact that she has had an unhealthy family experience...?

 

<snipped>.

 

 

Pity is the last thing my sister needs though.

 

 

I do have compassion. Compassion is very different then pity.

 

 

Part of the problem of sharing things like this online is I'd have to write novel to give the whole story.

 

 

Once a woman, whose child had been bit and killed by a snake, came to Buddha carrying her dead child in her arms. Greif stricken she hoped Buddha could bring the child back to life. Buddha told her, "Bring me a mustard seed from a house that has not seen suffering and with that I can bring your child back to life".

 

 

The women went from house to house but could not find a person nor a family who had not experienced suffering.

 

She returned to Buddha without the mustard seed and learned that part of life is accepting reality.

 

 

Not from pity, nor weeping will there come peace.

 

I see that my sister is suffering. She has also caused much suffering. That is life.

 

 

Still I do have compassion and if I were given the opportunity to actually be able to *help* her I would.

 

 

My task is to accept the reality that I cannot help her. Her peace must come from within as it must for all of us.

 

 

I came here to try to understand better and frankly, that has happened and I am thankful for that!

Edited August 8, 2015 by SallyU

[SallyU]

Here is another way to put it.

 

 

God Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change:

 

Courage to change the things I can:

 

and the Wisdom to know the Difference.

 

 

Namaste.

[SallyU]

p.s. I've never been one to try to 'change people', even when younger and especially not now that I'm older.

 

 

I don't think it's right to conflate my desire that she should get help (to ease her suffering which shows signs of only getting worse) with wanting to "change her".

 

 

I've been watching this slow motion wreck for many years now. I've tried to do what I can to help, to no avail.

 

 

When she wanted to confront my elderly, frail, ailing father and make him feel responsible for her 'feeling down' I had to draw the line. I could no longer be passive and hope for the best.

 

 

I would do it again.